Christmas Spirit...

I may have caught a bit of the Christmas spirit this weekend. I spent the weekend with someone super cute, putting up my tree. I havn't had a partner in Christmas crime in years. It's so much more enjoyable with help, flirting, laughing, and someone who has the patience to replace christmas light fuses, vs. just trashing them, as I was perfectly fine to do. Also, if not for my helper, my tree would be on the floor. It had the gangsta lean going on, and we ultimately had to screw it to the wall with wire. Now it's Beyootiful!

I got a text this weekend from the old new guy. You know the one who said it didn't "feel right" to date me, and said our relationship was too sexual. That's why he texted me at 3:30 in the morning. Do you think he realized he messed up and wanted to take me to dinner? What a pig. I didn't respond. I was busy snuggling with someone who doesn't think it feels weird to be with me.

But if he does it again, I will tell him I've moved on, and maybe he should work on finding his good christian baby factory. Cus I'm not her.

And I'm utterly smitten.

Hoebag Isn't on my Forehead...is it?

I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 on Friday. Which was awesome, because it ties the first one into it, and you find out why the first girl is haunted, and its actually pretty messed up!

After having a fun night with my friends, I get out of the movie, and I had gotten a text around midnight from exnewguy. Midnight texts from an ex. You know what that means.

He wanted to get together one last time for "fun". Seriously. This is the same guy who decided our relationship was too sexual and bailed. Talk about being screwed up in the head. As if this doesn't scream....."I don't respect you enough to date you, but screwing you is just fine." Or, "I just might be afraid to commit to anything but sex"

As much as I may have wanted to hook up, I decided that nothing would change in my life if I didn't change it. If I wanted to be respected, I had to do the respectable thing, and make him feel like total dog shit. I told him that while it did sound fun I actually had feelings for him, and doing something like that isn't so easy for me as it once may have been.

Of course, he persisted for some time, and eventually gave up. Then the next day sent me an apology saying he was out of line, and had been drinking.

Yea, I'd say so.

Obviously, this is just another frog in the pond of life. I think eventually there has to be a good one. I believe I found it before. I know I will again.

The Lloyd Dobbler Effect...

So, I'm going along, minding my business. Getting use to the idea that I'll likely be alone until my cats eat my eyeballs out. *Or, the mice overtake my house. I still pine for exassholemanfriend, and it pretty much annoys me, because it's not getting me anywhere. Wishing him back wont make him come back. And why should I wish for someone who obviously doesn't want me?


*(Yes..I have mice again. I've caught two...me two, my four cats...ZERO! They are lucky that they are cute fluffernutters! At least they do that job right.)



And I get a message from exnewguy. Just friendly chit chat. Why? He was overly concerned that we were "OK" after the dumping. I was assuming, just because we have many friends in common. I told him sure, I know we'll run into each other again one day. It's not like we were IN LOVE or anything, so whatever. Yes it hurts and I don't look forward to one day seeing him w/someone else...



But don't boys understand that it's not easy to hear from you once you dump us? Like, don't rip out my heart, and send me a message all about regretting it. Because what does that do? It makes me hurt for what we had all over again. If you wanted to do the right thing, you would get your shit together, and stand outside my window blasting "in your eyes" by peter gabriel on your retro boom box just like Lloyd Dobbler. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen" That sums it up.








Yes, that is definatly a signal, that you cannot mix. Especially since I live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm sure they'd love hearing it just as much as me. I think that like Cinderella ruined most girls, Say Anything ruined me.

Where is my prince charming with a boom box? Oh, I can believe it will happen one day. Because it gives me hope. Instead of a white horse, it'll be a beat up blue hoop-t!

Oh heck no. After friending Lloyd on FB...I was turned on to this video on youtube.

If theres one thing I'm good at, it's getting dumped!..

Yes, yes. I got dumped again. I really am starting to get a complex. Sort of. I mean, honestly, I cried a little bit about it, but mostly, my heart wasn't in it anyway. And he was looking for a reason to stay with me and I couldn't really give him one.

What happened this time. Well "it's not you its me" would probably fit here. The guys been single for like 5 years and he just wasn't ready. When he mentioned that he didn't feel "100%" that things would work out w/us, asked what I thought...and I said "I just spent the last three years with a guy who wasn't sure he was ready, and we had a good relationship, we were in love...I can't do it again".

Furthermore, new guy said we had too much sex. Um. firstively, this isn't the first time I've heard this from a man, but it never ceases to shock the shit out of me. Secondly, I really don't remember having to force myself on him thankyouverymuch.

He admitted, nothing may ever feel 100% to him, and thats on him, I'm an awesome girl and he likes hanging out with me and we have a lot of fun, blah. bliddy blah blah.

When you give up the universe will bring you love, right? I dunno, but I give up. Not on finding love, but that love will find me, and I'm not going out of my way to find it.

Crash course in Mommy Dearest...

Being a supervisor is mostly like being a Mom minus the horrid memories (I'd imagine) of child birth.

This week I had this conversation:

"I stood up and saw so and so emailing so and so about me being on the rampage with my pregnancy hormones. So I asked her if she had a problem with me, and she had nothing to say. I know she doesnt' know I know she was emailing so and so about me, but I know. Me being the way I am has nothing to do with pregnancy. If I were some people, I'd be offended, and have this taken to HR"

Seriously people. This turned into an hour and a half meeting. And I had to take it seriously.

Do I manage teenagers you ask? Oh no, we're all in our 30's.

In other news, I'm on 3 more weeks of antibiotics, nasal spray and claritin. I have fluid in my ear. Doesn't look like I'll be hearing for some time now.

I have a date with new guy this weekend, and I'm super excited about it.

If I were in charge, life would be fair...

Recently I was talking with a girlfriend about our current and past relationships. We both had a 7 year run, mine ended in divorce, hers a break up. Both were over 10 years ago, and neither were the greatest of matches.

She asked if I ever thought fondly of the ex husband, or missed what we had. We were high school "sweethearts" (puke) and had all of our firsts together, and for a while, I thought I'd never get past that, and move on. Even 8 years later when he remarried, and I'm still hopelessly flailing around the dating pool, it hurt me.

But as I've said before, running into him and his not remembering all the shitty things he did, reminded me that only I can hold myself back. And only I have control over how I feel about anyone at any time.

But if I'm being honest...I still miss that exassholemanfriend of mine. In my 34 years I was never that in love with anyone.

The only thing I can do is remember how he dumped me because he was afraid to move forward like a coward....on facebook no less. Moved his shit out while I was at work. And left me a letter.

So...almost as quickly, I imagine covering cat poop in chocolate, nestling it into pretty paper cups, and shrink wrapping it in a whitmans sampler box...and sending it to him. I imagine with delight, the look on his face when he bites into a chocolate covered cat poop.

Hopeful...

I'm on day 9 of having partial hearing. I've been sick 15 days. I went to urgent care a week ago with a horrid ear infection following the worst pain I've ever felt..which turns out was a ruptured ear drum due to a sinus infection/strep throat.

I still can't hear out of my left ear and the extreme annoyance, and lonliness at work because its so quiet can't be described. I'm on medicine, but it just takes time. And a follow up appointment in 4 days with my regular Dr.

I feel fine now, aside from occasional sharp pricks in my ear, and being hella tired, I "feel" great.

This weekend I had my first four wheeler ride! I may be sheltered, but after a talk w/new guy about the state of our "relationship" we decided we don't see each other enough. (duh) And he'd been too busy wondering whether or not I was "the one" rather than enjoying our time together and seeing where it lead.

And boys say GIRLS are confusing. He's really hung up on the kids thing, which I said I'm not like most girls, who would have a baby at any cost....I want the whole shabang, the love, the husband, happy marriage, laughter, respect, the house, and THEN the kid. I don't want any one without any other.

I have been with guys I thought about having a baby with. Well two. My ex husband, and that asshole exmanfriend of mine. I don't think I'll feel incomplete without having one. But for me, its an extension of my love for someone..not something I feel the need to do to validate being a woman.

It was an awesome talk, which was followed up by him asking me to spend the day with him on Saturday. He took me on his four wheeler, which I thought would scare the crap out of me, but I ended up having so much fun! We went fast, and I got muddy, and subsequently, some bruises.

Then we spent the day with a couple that he's friends with, he made his deelish homeade mac and cheese, and we played cards.

Which by the way...we won. Not only do I have a uechre partner again (I've missed playing so much!) but we're a pretty good team!

Apology...accepted?...

What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.

Wedded Bliss..

The rehearsal, and wedding were just perfect. Topped off by spending it with the cute boy I like, who was also in the wedding. Dancing, laughing, talking. Hearing everyone say how cute we are "together" (to which I'd reply...we aren't technically "together") And my friends that were there that hadn't spent much time with him, decided they just loved him, and his infectious smile, and fun personality. Even my MOM likes him and she's the pickiest person I know.

I kinda like those things too.

Too bad he is afraid of committment. This situation is screaming with undertones of the exassholemanfriend, and his fear of letting the past go. I mean, we talk all the time about how much we like each other, how much fun we have together...but the bottom line is, he always tells me he is afraid. We talk about how we want to be exclusive, but really the only thing different than what we have now, and being a "booty call" is we spend more time together before, and after.

I'm not a part of his life. He thinks about me when we aren't together, but we aren't together an awful lot.

How long does one wait around for a scared person? Last one I waited three years for, only to be dumped mid-move in! And new guy is all about starting a family, but we're not getting any younger, and he's not getting any less afraid.

Aside from all the fun I had over the weekend it was unfortunatly overshadowed by a really shitty turn of events, where the least of my worries was that my purse was stolen practically out from under my nose at a bar. New guy ran after the douche and luckily was coming back with my purse by the time I got to the door.

The cops were waiting on him outside, apparently he had been trying this on other people at a bar next door.

All I can say is that I know everything happens for a reason, and I'll get through the BS I am dealing with and live to enjoy another day. I can't change the events, I can only accept them, and move on with my life!

And Just Like That...

I'm done with my new job. When they called me they said it was for a specific project my guess was, this was to let me know what the job payed. Mind you its been about two years since I worked there, and I didn't remember. I also didn't think to ask, because I'd always made between 10-19 an hour averaged out.

I spent my first night working, typing my fingers off, almost up to my full capacity of typing speed, and I made 9 bucks in 4 hours.

This is fabulous for someone else, but not for me after working 9 hours.

It's hardly worth my time.

So, I'm cashing in my stock savings plan at work next month. I'll also get an extra 80 a month in my check as my employee account will be paid off. (no more buying jewelery boo hoo) And my friends uncle will fix my car for cost.

Maybe the second job came along to remind me how lucky I am to not HAVE to work it, and to be more thankful, and SAVE money.

I got home from working two jobs, to the lady across the street who I call "duct tape lady" cus...she wears duct tape on her mouth, obviously, begging passers by for money or cigarettes.

I also had an offer from the new guy to massage my fingers for me. He can be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll keep him.

Look at me Neglecting the blog...

I've been doing things like, working too much unpaid overtime (I'm salary so it all adds up in the end) and preparing for bacheloretting, cleaning, and seeing my new guy. Who's quickly climbing to the top as my favorite guy.

We had our first date last week. Yes, we've known each other for years, and have hung out countless times, and had a "cook you dinner" date, but it was our first time going out officially!

He asked what time I wanted him to pick me up, I said pick me up? I'm so not use to that, I told him that's the royal treatment! I havn't been picked up for a date in years! When he came to get me he put me in the car too which is my #1 favorite boy thing to do for a girl. (this is closely followed by petting, and forehead kisses, which I also have been getting!)

I was so nervous, which seems silly, as we've seen each other naked, and talked about everything from religion, to childhood crushes. I just get nervous! But of course, we had a fantastic evening! One of his friends called when we were on our way home, and he said he had to go because he was being rude being on the phone in front of his....(insert my name here) he almost called me his girlfriend.

This past week, he bought me pillows for his house. Which is pretty stinking cute, seeing how I sleep on a cloud of pillowy goodness at home (I have 8 pillows, I sleep with 4) and he has two, what I refer to as "pancake pillows". So, he thought enough of my comfort to buy me pillows.

Then, he came over, just to fix my bed for me on Sunday, because it's been broken countless times (don't ask me how) and finally took a crap when I was making it. He fixed it for real, and I enjoyed every second. I love a man who will rescue a damsel in distress, and knows how to fix things, and cares enough to offer his help, without being asked. *swoon*

The only thing that I wonder about, is the fact that he does not consume my every thought. I mean I really like him. I love hanging out with him, I'm attracted to him, he's super sweet and funny, and never ever complains about my smelly dog, rather says "it's not her fault" (which it isn't!) and isnt a cat person, but still calls my cats by name, has a couple nicknames for them, and lets them lay on his lap. (the way to my heart is thru my pets, obvy)

My Mom says that's because its a normal healthy relationship. I guess I'm not use to it. That, and the fact that it's not really "new", since he's what i affectionatley call a "re-do". He calls it third times a charm. I mean the relationship stuff is new. But we're not new in a lot of other ways.

I'm just rolling with it. Because I am happy where I am. Still seeing my friends and living my life, and having a cute boy who I really like to hang out with too.

Happy 2010!...

I wish I had the patience, or the home computer to put together a nice recap of the past year in my beloved blog.

But I don't. So the best I can do is refer you to yesterday's post. And let you know that I'm still laughing about that skank, and if I had to post right now what made me laugh the most, it would be just that. And if I allowed myself to act as childish as I feel about the situation, I would post her picture.

But I'm better than that.

Oh, annnnnd second thing that made me laugh almost as much was the 34 peices of advice I got for my 34th bday from my friends. Cus those were hilarious and my friends made my day extra special!

For 2009 I broke things off with new guy. Who took it really well and is such a nice guy he said its no problem, and we can be friends. And wished me a happy new year. I'm not over exmanfriend. He understood that. I felt worse than he did. But I also felt bad being with him and thinking of someone else. It wasn't fair for either of us.

With that said, I will enjoy ringing in the new year tonight, with a very special date. Welcome new year, and new possibilities!

Be safe everyone!

Screwed Up..

Funny how long it takes to realize you are screwed up huh?

I had a really nice date with the new guy Saturday. Except that I can't get over that he doesnt smell right. It isnt that he stinks and I can't explain it. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night because it smells like that too. And I can't smell very well.

The whole thing just feels wrong.

He's super sweet and it's obvious that I'm not ready to move on. Silly to think it would be so easy. I have to tell him how I feel.

All I do when we are together is think of notsomuchamanfriend. So much so that I cried when I stayed the night Saturday. How awesome is that? While he snoozed away. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong because my heart and mind are elsewhere. And that's not his fault.

(snoozing at 11pm, mind you. )

I'm the kind of girl, that's just going out at 9, 10, 11. I like to go out and see and be seen, and mingle with people I know. One of my girlfriends that he knows before I knew her, wanted us to meet her out and he didn't wanna go. So I was like, ohhhh keeee, we'll hang out here. On a Saturday night. And he was falling asleep by 9pm. He did tell me to call her and I said "you wanna go out?" he said no....

Like I'm gonna leave after he made me dinner and everything.

It's all a big fat mess. I can't watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything, think of anything, or be sober without thinking of notsomuchamanfriend. I guess i can't be drunk either and not think about him, but at least that way I can sleep.

All the while he's told me that he is sorry. I can't explain how I feel. I spent years shaping myself into the person I am today. True, hard work to honor and acknowledge my needs, and my feelings so I am able to get what I want/need. To act like I don't miss notsomuchamanfriend, is not honoring myself. Or being real.

I've been shit on plenty. But I've never had this experience where I was always so happy and treated well, and then poof its gone to no fault of my own. I've been through worse, with my divorce. Way, way worse. But that's just the thing. It was worse. The relationship was crap to begin with. And getting over him, not this hard. We were together 7 years.

Me and notsomuchamanfriend...two years. But two years of happy beats out 7 years of misery any old day.

Obviously there is a lot to be said, and I can't rightfully blog my entire life. But, I talked to him for 9 hours Sunday. From 11 at night til 8 monday morning.

And it was a good, good....talk.

Good Nights...

I happen to have had a fabulous date last night. The new guy invited me over to watch a movie. When we went to pick out movies together, he put me in the truck. I think out of all the things boys should do for girls, being put in the car is one of my favorites. It makes me feel looked out for.

We had fun looking for movies, and we got two. One was a movie supposedly about baseball..with Justin Timberlake. But it kinda sucked. But we talked through the whole thing anyway. We had a really great conversation, and a lot of laughs.

He has a giant fish, that shamu splashed me, and I really got soaked and we couldn't stop laughing. He of course got me a towel and tried to dry me off. It's like 2 feet long its huge. (the fish...wink)

We watched another movie but mostly talked, and cuddled and laughed. He was sleeeepy around 12 he is an early to bed person, I usually stay up til 12/1. So I had to bid him a good night. Did I mention that he's a reallllllllllly good kisser? Eeek...

But today I am smiling thinking about what a good time we had.

And rememering that even though Cher is kinda weird..she was right, there IS life after love. I am trusting the universe knows what its doing. So far, all the turmoil I've been through has turned out for the best.

At Least I'm Not Betty Johnson...

Well I guess when you get into a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend who is totally in love with them, and they dump her for you, you might have some sort of issues with it. Although, you should know that going into it.

I had a party Saturday. There was a girl there who was a friend of a friend, who's name was lets say, Betty. The day after the party I posted pictures and had a friend request from Betty Johnson with no picture. I saw some of my friends had friended her, and I thought it was the Betty from my party. Maybe Johnson is Betty's maiden name. So I friended her too. Betty used one of my photos from the party as her profile picture. Then one of my girlfriends said..that's not Betty so and so, you guys friended the wrong person.

And mysteriously pictures of me and notsomuchamanfriend began popping back up on facebook. Pictures I had deleted but I suspect the dickface had not yet deleted cus he is lax in that sort of thing. I had to go thru all my "photos of me" which were retagged with both of us in them, and delete them.

It ticked me off so much I msgd dickface and said if you know who this Betty Johnson is, please handle it, you know I did nothing to deserve this, I'm minding my business, and I think its best everyone does. Blah blah.

He responded that maybe my account got hacked. The new privacy thing makes it easy to do. I said its funny that only me and my CLOSE friends were targeted, and only pictures of him and I were being tagged. Someone hacks your account, they mess with all your stuff. Not pictures of you and your ex that she stole from you.

I deletedBetty Johnson before checking her profile but Kat did...turns out she went to my high school, and was from my hometown, and cleveland and is in a relationship, and had similar hangouts from my area. Betty didn't have much else on her profile. But betty knew enough about me to try to make her profile similar. Betty wasnt a hacker. She is a jealous bitch who will never be me, cus me don't date boys with girlfriends.

I mean if she has issue with him, what does she expect? A good guy doesn't do what he did. You can't expect things to be peas and carrots. And if he's dating someone that blatently immature I hope he gets all that he deserves. Which is to be miserable because he spread misery into my life for no reason at all.

He didn't get that its the skank he's seeing. I think its obvious. He said "maybe its someone we know im not trying to dig". Yea, like my new guy would go thru all that trouble, and he has no access to photos of us cus he isnt notsomuchamanfriends friend.

I just strive to live a drama free life. And I was dumped w/o reason. I am the one who should be pissed, yet I'm minding my own business, and being harassed.

I reported the bitch to facebook and blocked her, and all my friends unfriended her, but it was a lot of undue stress for me. I'm trying to live my life, pick up the peices, and move on.

It's very difficult to keep positive thoughts in my head when I keep thinking how much I hate him and now this bitch. I have to constantly turn it into a positive, and its causing my mind to go numb. I am trying. I'm a good person, and I wont let this horrible situation ruin or change me back into someone I dislike.

Eye on the prize. Karma will get them. I don't have to do a thing to help it along. Ommmmm...

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No Sex in the City...

When I moved in there were some annoying kids from across the street wanting to help. Then wanting to sell me old broken box fans. Ghetto.

I don't like kids. Especially, annoying kids. I got home from work Monday night, and they were out on their porch instantly, I saw them in the rear view mirror. Ugh, I thought, leave me alone!

I went up front to get my trash can, and they were like "hey, hey, hey hi, hey" and I just waved.

"wanna see my new cap gun?"

"no" I replied

This is when the kid pointed a gun in the air and pop pop pop yes, it was a cap gun and he didn't point it at me...but I can see I'm going to have to call the cops on these kids some day.

Last night, I pull in and they are outside on the porch. I know they were waiting to talk to me. I sat in the car and messed around with my bags until they went inside, when I then proceeded to go in my back door to avoid contact.

Reason 567,893,091 not to have kids. You may resent them, and they will turn into hoooligans who terrorize the neighbors.

Other than that I'm happy at home. I am content there. I'm almost all unpacked, and I have to deal with my other apartment now. Which I am not happy about.

The new place is starting to feel like home. I'm sleeping in my bed, sleeping soundly, and get to work in less than 15 minutes.

Now....to stop drinking wine every night so I can sleep. Oh didn't I mention that part?

After much distress I friended new guy on facebook yesterday. And now he accepted. EEEK. Do I sound like I'm 17 or what?