Wine Makes Festivals Better!!

Who loves to pretend she is a classy drunk and have wine all the time?

ME!!!!

Guess who won tickets to the Cleveland Wine festival courtesy of Cleshopaholic over at Things I Luuuuurve?

ME!!!!! 

I heart contests, and winning, and....wine! The tri-fecta!

Luckily I still have a single friend left in the world who was able to be my date for the event on short notice! Even if she wouldn't even let me FB any pics we took together, let alone, posting them on my blog. Jerk!

It was an absolutely perfect day weather-wise, not too hot, sunny, and fabulous!!

You can pretend it's not Lake Erie, when the sunlight dances off the water. 

Hi Cleveland waterfront, we have arrived!!

This is totally an advertisement for drinking wine...notice my hair blowing in the wind...Yea...I'm drunk..

The band was Lloyd Dobbler Effect (who doesn't love Lloyd Dobbler?) And their "stage man" (who was like....10)  was the only guy I met all day...he gave us several CD's and posters. He was super happy to have his pic taken with us stage-side, can you tell?

I on the other hand, was so completely  amused at this moment.

We each got 10 free tastings....plus the extras people randomly gave us..plus the times we got tastings without tickets...plus the 20 more my date bought because I paid for parking...if she were a boy I'd totally marry her.

Tastings quickly add up. Especially when you add in the two FULL size free beers I had at the beer garden!! Lunch and dinner drinking is pretty dangerous without actual lunch or dinner!!

 Who is wine drunk before 8:30? Ok, me, and everyone else at the festival.

Aside from all the delicious wine tastings, laughing, and random conversations with drunk people..I finally got to meet live, and in techno color, the amazing  Alexa over at Cleveland's a Plum  after allllll these years  in the blogosphere! That was totally unexpected! Hi Alexa!

Me again, all alone! I'm so totally drunk at this point. I loved the wine festival!!

The ride home was made up of car singing and dancing. Including, but not limited to, Melissa Gorga's "On Display" from the Real Housewives of NJ.Cheesy? Yes, but then we belted out the chorus together at full volume.

This led to pulling into our neighborhood gay bar for some full body dancing to top off the night. (old person alert...there are not many people in the club at 9pm, but you get your requests played straightaway)

The day after? No hangover, let's be honest, I am no stranger to large amounts of vino. But my body was certainly tired. I may run 5-9 miles in a day....but it has got nothing on tripping the light fantastic on no food, and I was beat! I was at McDonald's at 7 am for the best post drinking breakfast in the world...a large coke, and sausage biscuit.

I got out of my PJ's long enough to take the dog to sniff dog butts at the dog park. Then...more laying around.

Me and Mr. Magoo ended the night with some forbidden chinese takeout. I had the vegetable lo mein, and he had a menu.

mmmm chinese menu!!

Half is Better Than None...

It's finally here. All that I have been working towards.
Could I sleep these past few nights? No.
Am I excited/nervous/giddy/anxious/happy/sad/scared shitless? Yes.

Good luck to everyone running in the Cleveland Marathon tomorrow!! I am pretty sure I might cry at the finish, but I'm trying to keep my mind on my race finish photo...no one wants to remember their first half marathon by a photo of herself ugly crying.

Aside from the obvious...the sheer sense of pride for finishing a half, and receiving my medal, (which I will wear all day) and getting back in "shape" after this taper (which has somehow turned into a "free for all pack on the pounds, eat, eat, eat, while cutting waaaay back on my running and strength training instead of a healthy way of consuming carbs and extra calories because I am working out way less")...ahem.......there are three other things I am SO looking forward to:

1. Putting my 13.1 magnet on my car!!!!! (this will be displayed over my "will run for wine" magnet)

2.  Enjoying mine, and my bff's beer at the finish party (see why she is my bff?) plus a bottle of wine at home. I've been neglecting the wine these past few weeks in preparation of the race. Hydration blows when you like your drink.

3. Mile 9!!!! Where the Animal Protective League will have their dogs there to "woof" us on"!! Seeing their cute furry faces will make me smile. 

Here's to kicking ass!!!!

Training Day...

Yea, so..I'm in training. "I can't be out late, I'm in training". "I worked out three times today, I'm in training." "Wine 5 nights a week? Not anymore, I'm in training." And my most favorite...."Carbs? Yes please, I'm in training!!!"

This training thing makes me sound awesome, right? (wait til I start in with my Madonna concert countdown if you want annoying)

I have officially started my 10 week training schedule to get me to my 13.1 miles. Suprisingly I have to run less often than I do to get there, and progressively add distance to meet my goal. Kinda like losing weight, and having to eat MORE food to get there. Weird.

On the days that I am forced to rest (I take rest by not running miles, and still getting some cardio/strength training in because I still have 20lbs to lose) I joined a gym close to home!

I really thought I was in pretty good shape. Running 4-6 miles a day 5-7 days a week, and having been thru bootcamp, sometimes running twice a day plus a bootcamp class... I mean come on, I felt bad-ass!

The best advice anyone has ever given me? If you think you are in good shape, try something new.

I started a plyofusion class at the gym. Which is as you may have guessed, a lot of the plyometric stuff in P90X plus some cardio, thus the "fusion" (like my cute little car!!). It's recommended for training athletes and I can see why!

I left about 2lbs of sweat on the floor, along with my ability to stand up and sit down without an audible "owww owwww!!" Just like the beginnings of bootcamp, this horrific pain too, shall pass!

We actually used barbells. Like boys use. You know those things weigh almost 50lbs on their own, right? We did an hour of weight and core training. An hour of weights. When I am accustomed to 10 minutes at the end of a workout class with 8lb weights. Driving? Painful. Using my Tivo remote? That hurts too!

I cannot wait to see how my body changes as a result of all the conditioning I will be doing. I am once again living at the gym without much time for socializing, but you know what? It's something I love to do, that is making me feel even better!

I can hardly believe that a little over a year ago, I lived my life laying around the house complaining about being "so tired". At least now when I'm exhausted, I know that I worked my ass off to feel that way!

And that my friends, is worth all the sweat!

Things Girls Like...

1) Flowers from a really sweet guy, who understands that you just need to take baby steps to learn to open you heart again.

2) A  guy that is willing to take those steps with you.

My favorite conversation about my beautiful arrangement went something like "you got flowers like that after one date?" I said "I also got flowers for our first date". She replied "I'd marry that one....." Oh, if it were only that easy, right?

3) Making others jealous. I also kinda liked, that my flowers are in full view when hot security guard walks by to check me out 5 times a day, but never talks to me. It's weird the things that make a girl smile inside.

4) Random texts that say cute things like "I just wanted to tell you that I thought about you alot today, I hope you feel better!"

5) Listening to your Mom....when she says "not giving it all up" will make a man crazy, she knows what she's talkin bout!! Who knew?



6) Girl dates! I spent Valentine's with a fellow single girlfriend, people watching (which was great on Valentines!) sipping carmel appletini's.

7) Girlie movies! After drinks, we caught a super cute girlie movie together! We saw This Means War, and it was awesome! (btw: we had plans far before I started seeing school friend, and he understood...)

8) Hot guys!! Aforementioned movie starred "Warrior's" Tom Hardy, he is sssssmoking!!! I've added him to my list of future husbands. (P.S. Warrior made me cry, and stand up and cheer, and I had no interest in even seeing it....goood rental!!)

9) Nice friends! I might add, that my girl date was pretty generous, she bought my movie ticket, and my um...five drinks...gulp!

Getting older is better with friends...

There's me, in the plain black top, you know, the one with the drunk eyes.

These are the girls that rung in the big 36 with me, dancing the night away until my hair was completely soaked in sweat, and dripping at the ends. I couldn't have asked for a better night. My drinks were bought for me, (a gay bar is the best ego boost, the men and women both aim to please, and don't care who the hell you dance with!) and we heard "in da club" by fiddy cent...really, it doesn't take much to make my dreams come true!

Our DD got shitfaced, and when we went to eat next door, and she "had to pee" we found her at the bar attached to the deli, dancing with a random stranger. I love my friends. And, the fact that a cab ride home is only 5 bucks from my favorite dancing bar!

When I finally got home at 4am and let my dog out, I fell down my back three steps, and bruised my ass cheek. The only thing I can say is at least it wasn't my tail bone, so I can still sit, and sleep on my left cheek. Running... has been especially painful! I then tucked said DD in safely on my couch after a heartfelt talk that lasted until the wee hours!

What a bitch, all night I danced my ass off in my new high heeled knee high boots, (high heels and boots are new to me) and didn't fall. And I fell barefoot on my back steps.

And since I like to look at the bright side...at least I didn't fall in public, right?

I went back to work today to a desk covered in presents. I love working for VP's, they are so kind! I made out like a bandit, and I can't wait to spend all my gift cards!

Miss Self-Sufficient...Keep Your Distance...

I was in dress barn, utilizing my birthday discount (I'll be 35 again soon doncha know..) where I uttered these words to the sales lady in a totally serious manner...

"Yes, I'm looking for a cute holiday top, for pictures with Santa this weekend. So far, I think my dog is either wearing a red sweater, or a reindeer costume." She didn't even bat an eyelash, and we got a super cute top! Black, and sparkly, it'll match whatever we find Magoo!

What's more, Mr. Magoo and I both have hair appointments on Saturday, for said holiday photo. Score!

See, I don't need a romantic interest to be happy. I am a happy person with a tiny obsession with my dog.

Is this normal? Probably not!

I simply won't settle for less than the (as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently stated) "zsa zsa zu" and until that crosses my path....

I have lots of interests to take up my time, a core to strengthen, 13.1 miles to achieve, muscles to build, and friends, and family to enjoy laughs with!

I have a very blessed existence partly because I can recognize that I do.

Halloween...

Did you have fabulous Halloween festivities?

The angel and her handsome shih-poo. (he just looks scared, he really wasn't)

A drunk angel

All in all a fabulous night with my lady friends. Who all told me I was going to meet my future husband at one of the parties we were attending. Then, when I did actually meet someone, I was whisked off, just like Cinderella from the ball...only instead of my pretty furry shoes, to leave behind, at that point I was wearing my house slippers. The girls made me go to a lame party with some political people and promised to take me back, but that didn't happen.

I was cock blocked by my own best girlfriends. I think being in relationships, has made them forget the importance of socializing for the single girl. I need to find some single people to hang out with!

So instead of a night of passion...I ended the night snuggled up instead, with Magoo in Moms guest room. I guess things could be worse.

Sigh.

The Great Pumpkin...

I spent my Thursday at my friends new fancy old house. Her husband made us a delicious dinner, including but not limited to baked fries that he cut himself and they had like rosemary or something on them. I had a couple, but not many. I wanted to eat them all. They even got me some Moscato! I told her I may be "stopping by" more often. She moved way closer to me. Which is awesome!

While he cooked our dinner for us (she married well) we drank wine and watched part one of the Halloween American Horror Story again. (so, are you watching yet??????) Her big spooky house added to the ambiance! It is very reminicent of the Horror Story home, minus the ghosts. (I hope!)

Then we carved pumpkins. While asking..."when was the last time you remember carving pumpkins?" It had been far longer for her.

I thought, how very "Martha Stewart" I looked in this photo. Although I may dream of folding my fitted sheets like Martha, I am totally no home-keeping (a Martha term) genius!



So then I showed the real me. A knife weilding pumpkin dominator! Actually, she told me to "look attractive", I said "I'm wearing my Goodwill top"...so, I am not so sure that I made that happen here.


My pumpkin is the most unfortunate looking one, with the bad-ass mouth. She kept asking if I was taking it home. I live in the ghetto. Some crackhead would probably try to smoke it. Really, I think she was a bit embarressed to put it outside in her fancy neighborhood. But then, she was the one who wanted to carve one with a penis motiffe.

I think this should be our annual tradition, drinking wine and playing with knives. I mean, what else are the child free to do with their scores of free time, clean houses, and infinite finances? /bragging.

Old Bird...

Friday night, I went to see Paranormal Activity 3 with my lady friends at the local theater, which is 1 screen, and about 100 years old, and has a full bar. Needless to say, we had some cocktails beforehand, a couple at the theater, and pissed ourselves while watching the movie! Did it change our lives like some of the trailers promised? Um, no! But, it was definatly a must see in the trilogy, and a fun night out with my girlfriends!!!!

I spent my Saturday helping one of my best girlfriends scrape wallpaper from her new house, and paint the walls. It was hard work, but I'm excited to see how it all comes together, since probably the next time I am there, she will be moved in, and the rest of the work will be done. (unless I'm enlisted for more help beforehand....)

When I got home, I poured a glass of wine, and started a ginormous pot of chicken noodle soup on the stove, with beans, split peas, beans, whole grain noodles, and a miriad of other vegetables.

I picked out my Saturday night movie, Pumpkin Karver, (a syfy tivo movie) and fed my Mr. Magoodle the dark meat from the leftover rotisserie chicken.

I am enjoying the delicious smell of my house, my comfy pajamas, and a scary movie! I am so happy for fall to have arrived, I really couldn't ask for more!

One, two, oh, about seven or so bottles of wine on the wall..

Firstly, I so deserved a girls night on Saturday. I had a really nice date on Friday with TDH, which kicked off my weekend of drinking and eating things I had broken up with for many months. (subsequently I remembered why we broke up and we wont be getting back together any time soon, I felt like crap and it wasn't the wine *professional wino here*)

I fired my very first employee on Friday. Despite all the trouble she had caused, and her "secretive" plan to get me fired, (yes, a new person) I still felt horrible. I didn't eat for two days, and crapped water non stop. My ass hurt. (TMI? I'm honest....) I couldn't even work out because of nutrition. I'd have likely passed out, or...shit my pants. Neither of which sounds pleasant!

I'm a nice person. And she.....was not. It's a good story but due to my fear of getting canned over social media, I wont blog it. In short, she violated company policy more than once. With warning.

Now, some photos!


Here's some of the cheese, and my stock pot wine bucket. We had 7 bottles of wine between us, two of which were the giant bottles. I also made Paula Deen's crock pot mac and cheese which was so freaking delicious I wanted to hide it away from the girls and finish it off myself! What the hell was I doing in this photo? I don't freaking know......Perhaps it was when one girl broke my easy wine opener, and I realized I then had to use the kind they use in restaurants, which are damn near impossible to operate. Especially drunk.

You can see that I put to good use my last several weeks of work night drinking (due to the aforementioned firing) and used my old wine bottles for vases.

The idea was to bring your favorite wine and try new things. But it turns out we all like Moscato, and Wolf Creek Wineries White Lies. I also got a reisling, and white catawba which some people hadn't tried.


My friend Stephanie gave me this awesome buddha-glass. Yes, I consider myself a Buddhist. I don't know many Christians that would drink wine out of a Jesus glass with a penis straw (left over from a bachelorette party)...it's probably sacreligious or something for both parties and I kinda felt bad once I sobered up.

Obviously by the look on my face, I'd had enough wine to justify this seeming like a great idea. I almost look crazy. In my defense the balls had later sprung a leak and I switched to a regular old silly straw. Does that make it better to consume alcohol out of a religious figure? It seemed that way.


And this is the group shot we used the auto feature on the camera for, and it took us about 15 tries to get a couple good ones. We were all laughing too much and not paying attention. I spent a lot of the night doing walking lunges because I was reminded by seeing the other girls, that I really don't have an ass anymore.

Are women ever really happy?

All in all it was a great night. It felt good to let loose with the ladies, laugh, act silly, drink lots of wine, and learn that yes....there is such a thing as too much cheese. (I never thought it possible!)

I can't wait until the next time!

Off the Sauce...

It occurred to me today, that it would have been my 15 year anniversary with my ex husband, and 20 years together. Why do I care? I don't, it just occurred to me is all. Its been over for 12 years.

It's been 3 days with no wine. And..considering what's been going on at work (turns out I hired someone who has simply done nothing but cause problems) the past few weeks, this is an accomplishment! I had been drinking every day. A whole bottle of wine. A regular bottle? No, the big ones.

I think my liver thanks me, as does my bank account, and certainly, the scale since it's been a few weeks since its moved anywhere. I feel like I wasted that time, and I could have easily been to my 10lb goal by now.

Instead of working out to eat, I have been working out to drink. I have to admit, working out to drink is way more fun. And you can sleep just fine when you've downed a bottle of wine.

On the other hand, I have had a blast clothes shopping. My credit card is on fire. I never enjoyed it before, but when you try things on and you don't hate the way they fit, its hard to put them back on the rack...I also realized that no matter what size you are, they never have your size. I always thought there were only smaller sizes. Now, there are only larger sizes.

My favorite purchase was a size 6 pair of jeans....with...wait for it....a BELT! I don't remember the last time I wore a belt. And I certainly never wore a size 6, that's for sure!

I have still been lunging around the house, trying to fix the derrier, and have seen progress, so if you want a firmer butt, walk-lunge around the house!

I still havn't totally blown off the guy I was seeing because it turns out I'm a chicken shit, and I'm no good at letting people down. I thought he'd just go away if I ignored him but it turns out I'm too awesome to forget. But...I'm working on it.

It's a Small Drunk World After All..

Tonight I trekked it down to my local Circle K to buy cigarettes, and a nice bottle of Moscato, for my Friday night enjoyment. (Firstly, I'm helping my fancy friend pass out literature at our alma mater football game on Friday, cus she is running for council!) And...when I get home on a Friday night, I need Moscato.

When I hear a loud voice....."You've lost weight since I saw you last" .

I think, who the hell knows me here? This can't be good! I live in a sketchy neighborhood!

I turn to the counter, and I see her.

You remember, how I got a DUI last September. Among maaaany other things I had to go to jail. You don't want to get a DUI in Ohio people. If I am good for nothing else in this world, I should be a shining example to you all. One drink is too many. Even a sip of alchohol, is enough to land you in a heap of trouble in our glorious state. You don't think it is but trust me, I went to jail. I heard everyone's stories! I had the laws shoved down my throat for days.

I don't know many people who follow that no drink and drive rule, but if you got a DUI you'd think the same thing!

So anyway, I turn around, and oh yes, it registers instantly, there behind the counter sporting a red Circle K shirt, is a girl I was in jail with. Jail!!!

I said "OMG, yes, I have, look, I'm here I am buying alchohol"! (laughter)

She told me how she gave up drinking and is now smoking pot. Ok, cus I think that whole under "the influence" also pertains to drugs. We were locked up with a girl who was driving on vicoden, so ummmm.....yea. Good luck with your new found substance there lady!

Hello, universe, I get that you may want to remind me not to drink and drive, but unless people go out within a 10 mile radius because the cab rides cheap, or, if a cute boy drives me *wink*, I am like George Thorogood, and I drink alone. Yea, with nobody else. It's pretty sad actually. I might cry myself to sleep tonight.

Jail girl also happens to live on my street. Talk about a small world after all.

Kiss, sort of!

I spent my Friday evening with some friends, and a cute boy, at the river front to see a Kiss tribute band.

One thing I love about living in Akron, is every weekend either at Lock 3 or Riverfront, there is free entertainment, and that means free parking too. It's nice to see my tax dollars hard at work, unlike when I lived in the country, where my tax dollars paid for the unsolicited harassment of innocent people by the podunk police department.

One thing I love about vodka, is that if you have enough before you go see a tribute band, you actually think it's the real deal. For instance, in this photo, I was soooo excited to meet the kitty kat guy in kiss, and I wanted a picture. I couldn't believe I got to meet him!

Obviously, I had enough vodka to make me think this was the kitty kat guy too. I was kinda let down when I looked at my pictures today. Vodka for president!

Sidenote: rock stars are really sweaty. This guy stank. I never washed my Edwin McCain T-shirt he signed, and sweated all over for our photo op either, because to me, Edwin's sweat can cure cancer. (um his new album drops August 30th, you know you want to buy it!)

I learned a few things this night, TDH is really good at taking care of drunk me, for instance when I totally bailed on him to jump on stage for photo ops with the band, without even looking back, I found him sitting in a seat holding my purse. He also held my hand, and saved me from running into traffic to cross the street, when the alcohol made me think the timing was perfect.

Really, I don't ask for much, it's the little things!

Finally, he survived a night with my crazy-fun girlfriends, who felt the need to text me first thing in the morning and apologize for being "assholes". To which he replied "I don't think they were assholes, they were alot of fun".

I think I might go out with him again.

Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride...

So as I mentioned I had a date. It was a friend of a friend, but I'm on some dating sites, I havn't really found anyone worth dating but I'm there. I check my mail now and then, and mostly hit delete, and thank the nice ones I don't find attractive, or that are in their 50's and say "I can pass for 35" (I can pass for 25, so bite me) for their compliments.

I say yes, I am an awesome girl, what I have in my profile is real, yes those are recent pictures, no I don't want to have sex with you. That sorta thing.

Last night I was on, and I got a text message on my blackberry, from my date, "what are you doing on (insert site name here)?". I just texted "being social" and heard nothing back.

In retrospect, I should have said "the same fucking thing you are doing?!" Douchebag! I didn't know I was exclusive after a few hours together. My Momma says its the family curse. Guys fall too fast for us.

Obviously, he's not the future Mr. me, so, um....NEXT!

In other news, I weighed in tonight with another impressive 4lb loss! I was pretty nervous because I had string cheese a few days (I've been off cheese mainly) and drank two nights during the week, when I usually only drink on Friday night so I have 7 days to burn off the calories.

This puts me at an 11 week loss of 41lbs....a mere 19lbs to my goal. Ideally, I should lose 35 more pounds to be the "ideal weight for my height" but I'm ideal enough without the scale, so it can suck it!

The bad news for the week is I have to have a root canal. After the pain I've endured with said tooth, it's a welcome thing.

My dentist actually said "we try to make them fun here". I think that it may be code for they are loose with the gas, but we'll see?!

In even BIGGER news, I made first contact with the hot security guy I have a crush on at work. I said "Hi" as I almost plowed into him, while eating an apple. I'm working on my smoothness, because normally, I'd have averted my eyes and went the other direction.

All the girls at work are pulling for me, and I find it completely delightful!

Cravings....

I didn't die from not giving into these cravings. But ever notice how much you want things simply cus you can't have them? Why is that, oh great and wise universe?

• Root beer float


• Cream Soda


• Reese Cup


• Starburst jelly beans


• Girl Scout Cookies


• Pita bread that came with my salad and I had to give away


• A Coke (ca-cola) with lots of ice, fizzy deliciousness


• Oddly enough, someone's ramon noodles at work


• Mashed potatos, with cheese, rice, stuffing, and ranch dressing all mixed up in a bowl!


• Chocolate Vodka


• Whipped Cream Vodka


• Cherry Vodka


• Orange Vodka


• Blueberry Vodka


• Vodka Vodka


• Sunkist to mix with above vodkas


• Reese Eggs (now they have teeny tiny ones too....)


• Someone to blow up the Reese factory so no more eggs can be made. If i cant have em no one should!


• A new puppy, not to eat, but to distract me from wanting to eat.


• A whole block of cheese. I'm not picky about the type. Just as long as I get the whole block.


• A carton of girl scout samoas ice cream by Edy's. mmmmmm


• A glass of milk (I mean seriously, I can't even have MILK for 12 weeks!!!!)


• Any whole entire bottle of wine from Breitenbach's Winery, because they are all so good. But in particular, Roadhouse red. Or, Raspberry. Oh my!!!!


• Deep fried tater tots, covered in mounds of ketchup


• chicken salad on a bagel


• A giant Blue Moon on draft


• Make that two Blue Moon's

The only really great thing I can say about not having these above named items, is that I didn't die from it. I usually get panicked when I have a craving like if I don't give in to it, I'll just die.

I've also learned that after 3 weeks of not having any processed foods, sugar, or complex carbs, that I really don't get hungry nearly as often as I did before. This is also because I am to eat every few hours like clockwork, hungry or not.

Night Life..

I had so much fun this weekend, dancing with my girlfriends until 3 am. What I know about being 35 is I feel like I'm 21 most of the time. Until I spend 5 hours dancing and drinking, and spend an entire Saturday on the couch recouperating. Missing out on seeing a cute boy that I kinda like, and dancing another night with my girlfriends.

I spent half a Sunday on the couch too, but it was totally worth it.

I havn't said much about the new guy, because until I know where it is heading, it's kind of pointless. But what I can say is that it's nice to laugh, and be treated like a lady, and be excited about possibilities instead of pipe dreams. I may have, in the last few years, lost sight of what I really want by hoping to find it in someone who couldn't give it to me.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for me!

Pardon Me...

While I'm off the grid for a while. I go to jail this week, and the impending doom has set in for me.



I plan to be filfthy because a) im not showering in a room of women I don't know, and b)you try finding all your hygeine products in clear original bottles.

You are only allowed clear..and no alchohol in anything. Because the first thing I want to do when I get there, is drink all my hygeine products to get the buzz on...totally. I'm going to be with those kind of people. I'm not those kind of people. To each his own but I prefer my drink in a glass, chilled, maybe shaken depending on the cocktail.



What have I learned...hmmmm....don't drink and drive, and especially not in podunk Ohio, where they treat your first offense like a 5th offense.



I know the dear state is hoping they will make me never drink again by telling me how horrible I am for doing it. But fear not taxpayers, your money is not wasted. I got the honor and priveledge of paying for this intervention.

Let's pray that I don't wind up knifed, razored, ball point penned,. or salad tossed in my sleep...which is a legitimate concern seeing how I have to bunk with "non violent criminals" out in the open. I watch that show Lock up...I know what goes on in this type of minimum security jail. And it aint pretty if you are straight, or enjoy breathing.

Oh yea...this is gonna be totally sweet. I'm so not the type of person that will fare well in lock up.

I like challenges...

I am going to start this fitness venture, after my incarceration.

By incarceration, I mean my six days in "minimum security" lock up for my DUI. Any time I am being held against my will, its incarceration to me.

And by fitness venture, I mean Crossfit! It looks pretty bad-ass and they opened one close to my house. I managed to lose 70 lbs a few years ago, but I've lost and gained 15lbs here and there ever since. And in retrospect, losing that was way easier than keeping it off. I didn't need to work out as much, just stopped eating an entire carton of ice cream, and 2 subway subs. You know, the basics.

I'm excited, this summer, I vow to not have fatty arms!

Guess what? I'm hungry.

When I'm an old lady I'm going to be fat, and eat whatever I want!!

I'm the big 3 5...

I'm 35 Today. So heres 35 mostly pointless things to say.


1. 35 isn't old. I remember thinking 35 was mature. But, well lets face it, I'm still a kid in a lot of ways. A kid that pays her bills, and lives on her own.


2. I'm logically half way thru my lifetime. But we wont go there.


3. We got a ginormous storm in NE Ohio. I don't remember a time when it more than dusted with snow before my birthday. This is a bunch of horse shit. According to Mark Johnson, the devil himself was outside waiting to pitch fork you if you left the house. We got like 3 inches. I hate weather people. And this guy.

4. I didn't get drunk for my birthday. I'm growing up!




5. I ate three peanut butter with reese cup cookies today a girl at work made. Stay tuned, it's still early.


6. I'm not working out for my birthday so I'll probably gain 5lbs from the eating in #5. That's how my body works for me. Not very well.


7. I'm pertty sure I have arthritis in my foot from my old running injury. Getting old sucks.


8. My desk at work is decorated with all hello kitty stuff cus shes awesome. Yes, I realize I'm 35. So is Hello Kitty so shut up.


9. A crackhead decided to stand at the end of my driveway today for no other reason than he is a crackhead, and shuffeled into the street when I just kept backing up at him. I heart the city.


10. I am thinking of cutting most of my hair off. I'm afraid though, so don't quote me.


11. I had a mouse in my broiler of my oven, and I just caught him Saturday. Poor little disease ridden guy.



12. I turned my heat up to 55, which is huge, because I'm a cheap ass who never has a gas bill over $100, or really even close.


13. My favorite Christmas music is the Muppets Christmas w/John Denver. I really wish they'd put the muppets back on TV. Not a remake. The real original muppets. Please, and thank you.




14. I'm in love with a stripper.


15. Just kidding, but I was singing that song, cus we rented the wrestler this weekend, and I was suprised that Marissa Tome took it all off for that movie


16. I don't feel good from eating too many cookies. And a bagel. And chip dip.


17. Someone should come to work and clean my desk for me. It's really bad, and I'm setting a bad example to the department.


18. It's almost christmas, and I bought three gifts. I suck.


19. When I say I'm the big 3-5 i feel like it should be followed with "Elizabeth, I'm comin to join ya honey" ala Fred Sanford. Even though, its not old.


20. I thought when I was in high school, that I'd be practically retired at 35.


21. When you are in high school you are a total freaking dumb ass, aren't you?


22. I really miss Lost. They don't make shows like that anymore. I miss how excited I use to get when it was on, and how I'd slow mo the tivo to see hidden clues. I feel like all TV hope is lost. Especially now that the Walking Dead is over.



23. I learned at my ripe young age, I'm a clencher.



24. Don't be gross, that means I clench my teeth too much, and the dentist had to file down my teeth and recommended a mouth guard. I have sore teeth, and no cracks, cavities, or decay. What the fuck?


25. Doesn't wearing a mouth guard sound pretty hot? I bet next, it'll be circulation socks, and granny panties or something.


26. Just like everyone looks at their poop in the toilet, I know everyone picks their nose.


27. P.S. do you ever get mad at a self flushing toilet, when you don't turn around fast enough to look at your poo and it's flushed down???!!!!



28. I get mad when I don't get to see the fruit of my labor. Dr. Oz says you have to evaluate your poo.


29. Why do boys' legs fall asleep on the toilet? It's like the 8th wonder of the world.


30. I sent my mom a picture of my poo recently, because she sent me a picture of gum in her mouth.


31. You may not know but I have a gum phobia, so she deserved a poop shot.


32. Just like boy babies, boy dogs have crappy clothes, so I think I'm going to just dress him up as a girl cus they have the cutest sweaters and stuff!


33. I feel sorry for people who have boys. Isn't that weird? Cus i totally like boys, so someone has to suffer through the trouble of having and raising them. Just dont ever let it be me. If the universe wants to screw me over and give me a kid despite my carefulness, it had better not be a boy.


34. I had to get an echeck for my car and you know how i have that stupid breathalizer on it? Too bad I didnt have to get a real echeck, cus they cant mess with my electronics boyeeeeeee!

35. Thats the only good thing thus far about having a DUI. and in the grand scheme of things, its totally not worth it.

Beer Goggles...

I had such an amazing weekend. Friday the drive in and dinner with the girls. Saturday shopping for myself (a size smaller top!). A spa party where I had my first manicure...ever (im so deprived). And a girls night out in the valley.

Sunday and Monday, recuperate. I didn't even go out Sunday night, I spent it with my Momma.

I woke up Sunday morning thinking I had so much fun. Me and a girlfriend were up until around 4 am after the bars, chatting. (eating taco bell...bye bye no carbs for 3 wks grrrr) Then I got a text message. From a number, I didn't have in my phone book.

"hey fizzgig, I hope you had a great night, I really enjoyed meeting you, have a great fourth" Oh yea, I met a boy. When we first got to the second bar, "jimmy" greeted us at the door. I'm pretty sure "jimmy" was like, 21 or something and kept bragging how buying us drinks was nothing to him. Whatever, Jimmy, thanks for the vodka and soda! Jimmy invited us to a party at his buddys amazing house, but we passed.

Later, an old coworker showed up with her boyfriend, and a friend. Ah, yes. This said friend, is the boy who texted me. His name? Still escapes me. I remember him mentioning coming home with me, even if jokingly, I didn't find it funny, and told him I'm not that kind of girl. He was nice, he walked me to the bathroom and stuff to make sure I was "safe". Obviously we had fun, and had some laughs. He bought me a couple drinks. But I didn't remember much else.

Pictures! I had my camera!

I'm not like, Jessica Alba or anything, but this guy? Uh....all I can say is beer goggles are a real and true thing. I'm all for dating people I don't find attractive, I'm not that shallow...but there has to be something. I think he was probably like in his mid 40s, and people think I'm 25.

On top of this guy, one of my brothers high school friends asked me out. The fact that none of this excites me, is a sure fired sign that I'm just not ready to move on yet. I don't want a rebound. I don't want a "right now". I want that feeling you get when someone you love, loves you back so much you can feel it through each others skin. I know it exists. I had it for a moment, but it was a lie.

I still cried over that asshole yesterday, for what he did to us. Mostly, because I had no idea he was such a complete and total shithead, and thought he loved me as much as I loved him. He fooled everyone, not just me. Completely and totally bamboozled.

How does one trust their judgment ever again? I don't want to be closed off from love, but it scares me.