If I'm So Awesome, Why am I Still Single...

I tell you what. Before I embarked upon my journey of self discovery, self improvement, and fitness, I sure had a lot more dates!

I certainly don't have movie star looks, but I'm starting to sympathize with them. You know, like when they are asked if they are dating and they say "I havn't been asked out in.....(fill in the blanks)".  And you think "boo-hoo, rich movie star, you don't have a date..I feel soooo sorry for you."

But then the average Jane can totally relate! When I felt like crap about myself, and barely had a pot to piss in, I got asked out all the time. Now that I am happy with myself, have money, and nice things...crickets!

I like to tell myself that it just means I am meant for greater things. The wait will be worth it. And sure, when I activate my online dating profile I get a ton of messages, but how many of them are from someone I would actually see myself dating? Zero.

My friends say I should take things into my own hands and initiate conversations with guys. As practice.

The thought terrified me, but recently I've had success with talking to married, non-threatening men who take classes with me at the gym. So I discovered, it isn't all boys who terrify me. It's just the cute ones!

So I decided at Earth Fare, I should ask a cute stock boy if they sold peanut flour. I learned this where I learn most things, from watching TV! It was on an episode of MTV's "Made" where the girl was also terrified to talk to boys.

In the end, I shared way too much information about my search for peanut flour. Where I'd looked, and what I wanted it for. And since they didn't sell it, I had no idea when or how to end the conversation.

I got the feeling he just thought I was weird. Or desperate for a friend.

I swear, internets, I am NOT socially akward. I just have zero game!

On Potential Stalkers...Online Dating

I'd been messaging back and forth here and there since about December with a guy. Nothing major, but no red flags. So, when he gave me his digits I used the balls I grew last month, and called him.

Wow, what a great conversation! We talked for an hour and a half, laughed, the conversation flowed, everything seemed great. Lots of things in common. I was excited when we made plans to meet two days later for coffee. I even texted my Momma to let her know I may have actually met a dateable guy.

Luckily the crazy train pulled into town before that ever happened.

25 minutes after our first conversation he started sending me more pics of himself. Ok. Then he texted me fishing for compliments on the pictures. Then, he asked me to send  him pics. And asked me twice if I did it. Then asked if he should reboot his phone to see the pictures I didn't send.

When I didn't respond he called me. He wanted to tell me he was on his way to get dinner. And ask if I liked his pictures.

20 minutes later, he called to tell me he was done with dinner, and he couldn't wait to meet me. We talked for about 10 minutes.

In the next 20 minutes I got quite a few texts about how beautiful I am and how excited he is to meet me. And by the way, did I send him pictures?

Then, you guessed it. He called again!

This time I didn't answer. I mean, really? Mr. independant, OK with a girl having her own life, couldn't stand that I didn't text him right back within seconds.

Then after several more texts, he texted me that he was sorry if he was bothering me but he was so excited to talk to an amazing girl like me.

I think all these compliments work for people with no self esteem, but buddy, I know I'm awesome, and you are laying it on a little too thick in the first couple of hours.

Then, it was 9:00 and everyone knows The Walking Dead is on. So I texted him that I was busy with watching my show, it was my sacred time.

He texted me "oh, ok, enjoy your show, text me later if you want".

A few more of his texts came thru, that I ignored because, I'm busy...so then he sent "aren't there any commercials in that show?"

Then he sent me a youtube video by Kenny Chesney called "come on over".  Which I didn't even watch. Followed by a Rascal Flatts video "God bless the broken road". Ehh, you know me a few hours, and you thank god we met?

Um...it's too much!

Then he texted me "I can see you thru your window...boo! LOL"

LOL? Really, that's funny?

Followed by "did I scare you?"

This went on for a long time, until finally I texted him I was going to bed.

The next morning I had 3 texts between 7 and 7:25 when I got up. They were full of terms of endearment, hope you slept well beautiful's, and lots of "xoxo's" . Followed by a phone call at 7:30 am, that I did not answer, because a) you are crazy and b) I'm getting ready for my JOB!

Then, several more texts. After an "are you alive?" text,  I finally told him around 9 am, that my heart is beating, and I was in fact....working.

He said he was off work that day. And told me not to work too hard. Call him later.

I mean, this went on and on, and on and on and on and onnnnnn!

It was obvious, I had to block this guys number. So I texted I didn't think I was ready to meet someone off the internet.

And then I blocked his number from calling or texting me.

Then, a few hours later... I blocked 4 more numbers that kept calling me. When I googled the numbers, they were from his place of employment. Where, he was not working that day but was steady calling me like a champ. 

The following day was quiet, until 2pm. When I was on my lunch break, running...and got another call, 1 digit off from a blocked number from the previous day. From his work. So he was trying all the lines at the job.

I blocked it as well.

After the gym that night, I got yet another missed call from his place of employment and a garbled VM that I can't decipher.

I blocked that number as well.

And I had an entire day of peace. 

I mean really? All that mess because of an hour and a half conversation, and a potential coffee date? Even saying you are not into someone isn't enough. If someone told me that, I'd be over it in a second.

But then I'm not crazy.

The best comment comes from my Mom, who is addicted to the ID channel, and relates all stories back to being murdered and stuffed in a trunk. "Well, you know how men are crazy for sex and murder".

Thanks Mom!

Aaaaand....fade to the single girl who is perfectly content with being single.

When I Grew Balls...

You may or may not remember my posts about how I have the hots for a security guard at work, (which I have not so successfully hidden for about two years) who said he had a girlfriend when he was asked by others, but still feels the need to turn around when he passes my desk to check me out whenever he passes by.

Recently another coworker asked him again if he was single, and he said no, but asked "who wanted to know". And even though she says she didn't tell him, she was quitting in 2 weeks, so I know she told him, I'm no dummy!

He told her that "she could at least say "hi". That was a few weeks ago. I couldn't say hi like the next day. That would be more obvious than me averting my eyes as he walks by...

This past week, I ran into him outside of my department. And usually, I retreat in the opposite direction to not so non-chalantly avoid passing him....No, this time, I forged on. Caught his eye, and, I actually said "hi".

He said "hi" back!!!!

No, I am not in 6th grade, I am just scared shitless to talk to a boy I think is cute. Boys should pursue girls, so being friendly to strangers is not my forte!  Plus, he wears a uniform. And carries a gun. And handcuffs. And is an EMT to boot.

*swoon*

Now the ice is broken. We'll be buddies in no time, and once he realizes how charming I am, he will probably propose to me, and we will live happily ever after! I can't wait to detail all of this in my wedding speech.

Of course, I must say to the karma Gods...if he does in fact really have a girlfriend, and it is not just a cover, I want no parts in breaking that up.

I have a clean karma pond, and I intend to keep it that way.

Hibernation Mode...

I have stayed in the last several weekends. It started out that I was sick, and needed to rest, so I gave up working out for a week, which is hard to make myself do.

During this time, I discovered that Netflix (my most favorite thing on earth besides wine, and real tivo, not DVR) has the first 8 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.

So, naturally I watched the first three seasons in 3 days.

It was fun catching up with the gang, but this is highly anti-social, not to mention....lazy!! This should be reserved strictly for snowstorms, and freezing temperatures!!

I took my hibernation to two weeks. While it was hard to make myself not work out for a week, it was pretty easy to just not work out another week...an object at rest stays at rest.

Now I am facing a 7.5 mile relay leg next weekend, followed by a half marathon the following week.

Gulp!!

So finally, today I laced up my shoes, and hit the trail for a test run of 8 miles. I hadn't been outdoor running for months due to the heat, and I forgot how much I love it! But fall has arrived!! The crisp  air, the beautiful leaves turning color, waving to fellow runners.

But mostly, I love the forced time to be alone with my thoughts. That is my favorite therapy. I do my best thinking when I run outside. (indoor runs are distracted by TV watching)

I'm glad I went! Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do what you don't feel like doing to remember how much you love it!

I'm back on the wagon this week, and I am hoping that I can pull these last two races out of my ass.

It's the end of the season for me. (I think) What I know for sure is...I cannot wait to get those last two medals!! They are like crack to a crackhead for me!

Woodwork...

I'll never understand that boy radar. You know, the one that they have that goes on red alert when you are either happy, or seeing someone else?

Surely someone could harness this power for some sort of good? Instead of making it cause them to remember "oh...I fucked up....she seems to be doing really well, I should totally call her!"

I got some texts today from some exes. One was of oh....13 or so years, to tell me that he saw me on FB, and obviously I had been hitting the gym pretty hard, and I am looking really good. I won't lie, it did make me smile a bit. In the "you're loss, buddy" category.

What didn't make me smile, was that he is now living with his fiance, and has 3 kids with her. I see some things never change. Still seeing whats out there while pretending to be happy.

I just responded "yes I have, thank you, say hello to your fiance, and kids for me!" And ignored all future texts in response.

Maybe I am not fully together emotionally, but I will NEVER be "THAT GIRL". That girl ruined many of my relationships, along with the assholes that partook in the "thatting" of the girl.

I may not have found him yet, but the right one is out there for me, and he sure as hell does not have a fiance, and kids at home.

Then, TDH texted me today to "see how I was doing" and "did I want to get together to talk" or "am I not even interested anymore". It's been a few months since I broke things off with him, "to get over my ex".

When I broke things off, I told him I needed time...to "do my own thing"....the least I could do is talk to him and explain where I am at this point in my life. He didn't do anything wrong, other than fall for a girl who didn't have an available heart to give.

I think until I can be with a guy that is seemingly awesome, not afraid of committment, and is super sweet to me....and not think about how he isn't exmanfriend, I'm no good for anyone.

I've also pumped the brakes on the development with school friend for the same reason. Yes, things are going well, but no, I am not ready for a full on relationship yet. I don't wanna end up being someone I hate, that hurts people. So we are dialing it back a bit. We are still going to talk, and date.

I'm trying...but with baby steps.

The best part is that he is so understanding of that, and not wanting to mess things up with us, that it doesn't even phase him.

How Communication helps...

Things are still going well with TDH. But it's kinda like he is a friend I like to make out with on occasion.

It's hard telling if I am just comparing the spark I had with exmanfriend to the lack of an instant spark with him. Sometimes I don't like to give things a chance. Sometimes I get so caught up in "meant to be" and forget just living in the moment.

I'm good at that. Mostly because the last time I was in love I got burned. Alive. At the stake. With some added fuel. While the burner pointed and laughed.

TDH is moving alot closer in a couple of weeks. It doesn't seem to excite me, I'm just not that into him I guess?


Where this goes, only time will tell. In the meantime though...I vow to enjoy dating. To stop trying to make everything fit into a perfect little box. Let myself like someone. See where things go. Let loose. If he turns out to be an asshole, not like it's something new to me, right? If it turns into more, bonus! I'm not married. I'm not yet an old haggard cat lady. I'm in the best time of my life, and I just need to go with it.

Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride...

So as I mentioned I had a date. It was a friend of a friend, but I'm on some dating sites, I havn't really found anyone worth dating but I'm there. I check my mail now and then, and mostly hit delete, and thank the nice ones I don't find attractive, or that are in their 50's and say "I can pass for 35" (I can pass for 25, so bite me) for their compliments.

I say yes, I am an awesome girl, what I have in my profile is real, yes those are recent pictures, no I don't want to have sex with you. That sorta thing.

Last night I was on, and I got a text message on my blackberry, from my date, "what are you doing on (insert site name here)?". I just texted "being social" and heard nothing back.

In retrospect, I should have said "the same fucking thing you are doing?!" Douchebag! I didn't know I was exclusive after a few hours together. My Momma says its the family curse. Guys fall too fast for us.

Obviously, he's not the future Mr. me, so, um....NEXT!

In other news, I weighed in tonight with another impressive 4lb loss! I was pretty nervous because I had string cheese a few days (I've been off cheese mainly) and drank two nights during the week, when I usually only drink on Friday night so I have 7 days to burn off the calories.

This puts me at an 11 week loss of 41lbs....a mere 19lbs to my goal. Ideally, I should lose 35 more pounds to be the "ideal weight for my height" but I'm ideal enough without the scale, so it can suck it!

The bad news for the week is I have to have a root canal. After the pain I've endured with said tooth, it's a welcome thing.

My dentist actually said "we try to make them fun here". I think that it may be code for they are loose with the gas, but we'll see?!

In even BIGGER news, I made first contact with the hot security guy I have a crush on at work. I said "Hi" as I almost plowed into him, while eating an apple. I'm working on my smoothness, because normally, I'd have averted my eyes and went the other direction.

All the girls at work are pulling for me, and I find it completely delightful!

Hood Life...

You know if you live in NE Ohio that we got spit up on with snow last night. About another 8 inches. After work I'm shoveling my steps, which I complain about but it's really good cardio, and I'm going out with the girls tonight, and of course, not driving, so I have to burn off my pre-alchohol calories, right?

When along comes a man..."Hey, hey, why don't you let me get that for you, I'm a man, I don't like to see young ladies doing stuff like that"

I reply that I don't mind and he insists on being nice. And says how women shouldn't have to do things like that. Even when I had a boyfriend, I still did menswork, so I'm pretty use to it by now.

Of course, once he starts he begins to tell me how he's just trying to buy a pack of cigarettes, and if I could give him a couple of dollars.....

I tell him I don't keep cash at home, because this is always my stock answer for beggars, and I say but I do have fifty five cents in my pocket....

He says "every little bit helps" and he takes my money, and hands me the shovel.

Mind you, my steps are still snow covered. But he wont be back asking for money either.

The lady across the street from me that wears duct tape on her mouth, hasn't gotten the hint that I don't give hand outs, and waits for me to leave each and every morning for work, and comes out of her house and yells at me "hey neighbor lady...." over. and over. and over. and over. Until I get in my car. Or finish cleaning the snow off of it. I don't even look at her. She wants cigarettes.

She asked my duplex neighbors once for money for toilet paper, so they gave her toilet paper and she threw it at them. She's a real peach!

City living is definately a real treat! I made it a year! I wish I could move my apartment, and my landlords to the country. I'd stay here forever.

You wont like me when I'm angry!...

This past weekend I was hanging with my manfriend and one of his friends, and for some reason, I said something would make me mad, and he said "do you ever get mad?"



Interesting question. We all get mad. But I really don't do it much. At all. Manfriend always mentions this, and says he wishes he could be more like me. I'm non chalant about alot of things. I guess I just realize, it's pointless to get bent out of shape over things I can't control. This took almost my lifetime to achieve though.

Which is funny because I use to be such an angry person. Like, full of rage, and so much that it contributed to my abusive relationships, sure, I can admit that much.



But even my boss compliments me on my even keel tempermant (I totally sound like a dog don't I?) all the time. I don't let things get to me. More work? We'll finish it! If I meet a challenge, I'll conquer it. If something happens that sucks, oh well, try again. There's always next time. And I'm not feeling defeated when I do it, I genuinly have a sunny disposition. I am not on medication either. I'm telling you, it's the secret.



I use to get pissed off that my ex boyfriend would leave the bathroom "a swamp". Or not hang up his towels. When I was in counseling she told me, things that are important to you aren't important to others, and I have no right to get bent out of shape about it. If it bothers me, clean it up, otherwise, let it go. Huh? The world doesn't revolve around me? I'm not most important to everyone else? What eves!



I once got so pissed off at my ex husband, that I took a butcher knife and stabbed the bed, inches from his cringing body. I wasn't trying to kill him...just scare him a bit. *grin* I let him treat me badly, and then blamed him for everything. I had a part in it. If I loved me, I wouldn't have put up with the years of shit he put me through. I would put holes in walls, or cut myself, or spend all my spare time crying, and wishing so and so would love me. I also have a million stories of stalking boys, or following them, (BTW, they were always caught with someone else when I did this...) I felt like, they treat me badly, so I'm a bad person. I treated myself badly as well.

I had issues. I didn't start turning it all around until I started reading/listening to Wayne Dyer, and read the Secret, and started meditating. I can hardly believe I'm me too. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm so happy, it's sick. I am the person I want to be. When you are happy with yourself, everything else has to logically follow suit. It seems so simple. And...well, it is!



I'm thankful every day for what I have. If I park far away, I enjoy the walk, and see it as exercise, and that I have the legs to get me into the store. I learned to give up control. You can't control people. (hard one to learn) I learned to accept my responsibilty in certain situations, "my bad". I chose consciously to look at the bright side. Eventually, this becomes second nature.



Some people may view this as being a door mat, but I think that is what happens when you lay down and let people harm you, and do nothing about it. I have learned to genuinley let things go, and not fester. I'm not going to explode one day from not being angry. (I use to explode when I was an angry person!) Yes I get mad. Yes, when I have PMS, or a bad day, I'll scream "fucking asshole, eat a dick" at you in the car. Or, if you hurt my feelings, I'll cry. But the only thing I have control over in this world is me.



And I can also recognize being more in tune to myself, that the first thing I want to do when I'm frustrated at work (besides throw my computer into the wall) is eat.



Before, I'd have just eaten and never known why. It's the first instant thought in my head. Food! So, I can let those situations stay with me all day...or month, or year....or I can feel the anger, or the sadness, and then let it go on my terms, when I am ready. That's completely my decision.



It all starts with a choice. Choose to be happy. Constantly work at being positive. See the good in everything, even the bad. And it will become second nature to you. But starting, and staying on this path is a very hard, concious, and constant thing to do. I can only say it's the best thing I ever decided to do. I'd rather laugh at life, than cry over it.

P.S. Remember how bad-ass the incredible hulk was? When he was actually incredible, and not CGI?

The Good Old Days...

Is it seriously the end of March? Remember when you were little, and it took DECADES for Christmas to come, and your Mom was always like "wait til you are older and time will fly" and your all like, "who asked you?" Just wondered. I drove home from Cleveland last night in a blizzard. I had to go 45mph in the snow. Um....hello, spring? You can show up any time. Thanks.

So two weeks ago, I met some high school friends out for drinks. This was fabulously fun. I found two more girls who are uninterested in having kids like me and my friend Kat. Maybe it was pumped into the water in school? Oh wait, everyone else has kids. This foursome was the most fun at the get together. I mean, I'm glad that you are happy with your children, but what ELSE do you do? I have nothing to talk about with people who only talk about their kids. Reason 34,566,89-45.2 I don't want kids, you mostly become boring. (if your not boring, then dont take offense.) Of course, there were people with kids who talked about other things, but they didn't bother me.

Then, one classmate told me like 15 times that I looked good, and one time said "you look 100 times better than in high school". 100 times. That leaves no room for you looked 1% good. Which is total bullshit because I was pretty cute in high school. I think he probably forgot who I was, and he was pretty shitfaced. You know, there's one in every crowd.

I threw Kats (unused) tampon behind the bar. And, stuffed one in the straw bin on the bar. The bartender found both of these. Obviously, I don't need to have kids, I am still one myself. In retaliation, she added $4 to my tab, after I signed and gave her a tip. In retaliation, I called her manager and had it reversed. She did it to kat too but I don't think she complained.

Saturday I tried to jog outside. Ok, so it went like this. Ow, ow, ow, ow....I didn't get much jogging done. Outside is 95% harder than the treadmill! I did 2 miles in an hour, and I usually do 4 miles in 45 minutes inside. Plus, there is no cushioned deck outside to protect your crunchy knees. I have crunchy knees. And lets face the most important issue...there's no TV to stare at.

So, instead of jogging for 25 minutes straight, and walking fast on an incline for 25 min, I did the "ok, I'll jog to that next tree up there" and practically died on the way. Seriously, I'm not cut out for sweating outdoors. I think I will stick to the gym.

I had a fabulous weekend with my manfriend. His cuteness has been surpassing his already cuteness, and if he isn't careful, he might get locked in a closet. His Mom and stepdad came over and we got pizza. She brought me roses, which was sweet as can be. Then I left them in the manfriends fridge to probably die. *sigh* I'm really sad about it. I love flowers.

Lost In Manslation....

I watched that new show last night "How to get the guy". It is a reality type show, where dating coaches help chicks pick up guys. Me and CP laughed our asses off. Dating sucks! It especially sucks for women. Although, having watched that, I'd hate to be a guy and have to be the one to pick up the chicks all the time too. It seems way too stressful! On that show, I heard my new favorite word. Manslation. As in, a mans translation for things. I kept asking CP to manslate things last night.

And, then this morning. I bought myself those cute hanes boxer briefs. Their only slightly longer than the 'boy short' underwear I wear 99% of the time, that the man just loves. They are excellent for a girl having her monthly visitor, because you don't get pad in your butt, and your draws don't shift around on you. So, I'm standing at the sink, brushing my teeth in my T-shirt and boxer briefs. CP comes up and starts rubbing my butt as he often does when I'm brushing my teeth. Then he felt the need to tell me, that those underwear didn't flatter my figure. I guess in the grand scheme of things, he worded it politely. I let him know that I wasn't trying to be flattering while on my period. Thanks anyways. Manslation? They probably make my butt look big. It's the whole wearing underwear in the tanning bed theory. I swear that it makes your naked butt look smaller, because there is a break up of color. Works for me.

I'm thinking about getting another second job. Crazy? Nah! The Movie Gallery 1 mile from my house is hiring. If I can work 3 days a week it's way better than 5, and it can't be that difficult to watch movies, and check people out, right? The bad part of that is I always fear seeing someone I know, and them thinking "that's what she's done with her life?". Ugh. I dunno. I am jonesing from the cash flow withdrawl. It's hard to be out a second income! Especially when you have sick pets! I havn't saved anything to pay back to the fed's either. They can suck it.

Aerobics kicked my ass. I walked a mile before class. I am fairly certain they fixed the a/c in there! I felt cold air and saw the fans moving in the vents above! Last year, we all nearly died in the heat there! It was cruel and inhumane! Tonight I am going to friggin' interval's class. It's step, and weights. Why? Because I'm a good friend! Kat wants to check it out, and I'm sacrificing my personal body for her well being. It's going to kill me, especially when I have to go to aerobics tomorrow too. I didn't take this class until I had gotten 'use' to aerobics and was doing the hops and jumps. But, what doesn't kill me will inevitably make my butt look smaller!