Being at Peace...

One of my favorite quotes, hung prominently in my cubicle is.."Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart". -author unknown

I am at peace.

And it was a long road to get here, but I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

When I hear people complaining about their lives, whatever it is...jobs, kids, spouses, family, finances....I really take a moment to take stock in my own life.

My life is pretty amazing, and I thank the universe for the person I am today. 

It isn't that my life is without problems, or turmoil, or issues at all. We all have money problems, stress at work, family drama, relationship BS...What I am thankful for, is the fact that thru the years despite all of my setbacks, I have taken an active interest in learning how to be less concerned with controlling the outcome of any given situation, and more concerned with controlling how I react to them.

The understanding, that if I have given my all to anything, I have done my best. And I can recognize when something is out of my hands. I can't say enough about how amazing your own well-being is, when you make this realization. 

It was not until I took an interest in believing that I was the only one in control of my happiness, that things turned around for me. I discovered inner peace, and self love. What an amazing accomplishment!


Had I not thrown caution to the wind, and just tried to live a life more in tune to the way I talk to myself and perceive things, I would have never believed it was possible to be the person that I am today.

I am calm. I am happy. I am present, because I choose to be.

Change your thoughts....change your life!! What have you got to lose?

On Aging Gracefully...

Alot of things may make you feel like you are getting older. Aches and pains, crows feet, sagging body parts...all your friends have kids that are graduating high school, or driving, or even talking back to them.

Not me, I still feel like a spring chicken for the most part...but one thing has really set me back.

My tooth. 

I have had a tooth problem with one tooth in particular (last molar on top) for about 6+ years. My fear of the dentist kept me away, for years, and when I finally went because it was so painful, they had to take half of it off to clean it out (she actually said "dig it out") and reconstruct it due to a fracture beneath the gumline that let a lot of crap creep in there.

eeeeeuuuuwe!!

Then I had two root canals on it, (they couldn't find the third root, and I had to go back for another one after seeing a specialist, who did find my third root, because of course I was a "special case") and it still gets infected every other week, and causes me pain, and a disgusting taste in my mouth.

I'm sure this is why I'm still single. I probably have wicked halitosis......

The tooth itself doesn't hurt since the root canals, it's the jaw. She packed it, and sealed it as best she could, but told me after my umpteenth visit, that if I continue to have pain, I will have to have it pulled.

The time has come when I am having it pulled.

Nothing makes me feel older, than having a tooth pulled.

I have horrible visions of me at 70 with all my top teeth spaced out and horribly jacked up due to the missing tooth.

I have put up with the pain long enough. Finally today, I called for my last antibiotic script, and made the appointment to have it yanked. This brought on all sorts of old person fears.

Who has a tooth pulled at 36? When did 36 become the age you have a tooth pulled???

While it really does bother me to have a tooth taken out at such a young age (young!), mostly, I'm just irritated that I can't enjoy my wine or martini's this weekend because I'm on 2,000mg (yes!)  of antibiotics a day until I see the dentist. That seems excessive!

Putting the "Ass" in "Assisting"...A.K.A...Being A Good Boss...

I have had a long and sordid career in the business of assisting. I didn't go to college, so, I have depended on my high school vocational training (Office Systems Specialist!) to get my foot in the door, and then relied on my amazing work ethic, and willingness to learn, to take it from there.

After lots of mediocre jobs...I finally landed a really low-paying job as a secretary (not even an Administrative Assistant) at a ginormous company, assisting 4 Vice Presidents, at about half the pay of being a marketing assistant to ONE person, at my previous job. (while also working a night job doing data entry to make ends meet)

Luckily, I had an awesome boss and mentor at the time, and my ability to learn, and grow, work two jobs and still be "present", and train new employees got me a promotion in a little over a year, which doubled my salary, (this took me from "hourly" to "salary") and allowed me to quit the second job (when she told me my new salary, I cried, and said I was turning in my 2 week notice that the night at the second job) and now I supervise all the assistants to the Vice Presidents at my company.

I also take on the added role of assisting one of the executives when his assistant is out. Now, I am doing this for FOUR weeks. And I love it! I love being busy, doing my regular work, and still developing my employees. 

What I am most proud of, in all of this, is that I haven't forgotten where I started, and I love to learn and understand everything myself, before I pass it off on one of the Secretaries to do. I fill in for them in their absence, so when they come back they are not overwhelmed, and their VP's have no lapse in "service" while they are out.

This has gained me the respect, and appreciation of those that I supervise, and those that they support.

I believe that a good boss knows the job that they are supervising, and everything that goes into it! Not just how to delegate, and manage.

There is nothing like receiving countless thank you cards, and appreciative emails from the people that work for you. I love those moments when one of the girls tells me they are so thankful to have me as a boss, and that they love working for me.

I wish more "bosses" took such an active interest in what their employee's do on a day to day basis. In my opinion, this is the way you manage.

It keeps you connected, and appreciative of all the hard work your employees do.

Livin High On the Hog...

Hi new sofa, you are beyoootiful!!

Happiness is...buying your very first brand new pieces of furniture. Something no one else has sat their ass on, or now I lay me down to sleep'd in!

I put more thought into the purchase of my furniture, than I ever did any of the cars I have owned! I took this very seriously! I researched brands, stores, fabrics (having pets, makes this very important!)

I've sat on many couches, and lay on many beds. And when I found "the one" I bought all available warranties, and even asked questions about what the warranties cover, to the "T".

Gone will be the days of my sleeping on the couch, and welcome are the nights of enjoying my beautifully brand-new, sealy posturpedic plush bed!

Just like my sister said, I would regret not getting the matching overstuffed chair and ottoman. But to do this, I'd have to buy a flatscreen TV, and new TV stand, and get rid of my entertainment center to make room. Hmmm...

The rest of my bonus is going to be spent on new bedding for my gorgeous bed, and an air purifier, and starting a savings account. (for a trip to see my sister in VA Beach, and yet another vacay Key West!!)

This weekend, I am going to be sleeping on a cloud, and lounging on a couch that doesn't sink to the side when I sit in it. Or have rips in the cushions or arm. I'm even embaressed to take my old couch to the curb it is so awful, and have lined up curb service with a friends husband under the guise of nightfall!

I kinda like this independent grown up thing I have going on. I'm so tired of waiting for someone else to get me where I want to be.

And getting there on my own, is even better!

Happiness is...Smart People...

I am usually a pretty smart girl. I know my way around computer software, I'm Microsoft certified for fucks sake.

At work a girl made one singular change to an access query that jacked up exactly 9 tables, and 15 linked queries that we base countless reports on.

blah blah, boring computer talk, and software lingo no one cares about.....etc...etc...

I spent a couple of hours trying to figure out why it happened, and then I thought to myself "self, you work for a ginormous company, and there is an entire department dedicated to backing up everything you do".

*So, I called the help desk, and had the freaking file restored to the way it was yesterday at 5:00pm. Cue celebratory music, people lifting me up on their shoulders, and carrying me around, a corporate hero......I earned my salary today with that one. That's why I'm the boss.

Today I am thankful for people way smarter than me, and, that lovely 4 digit extension I can call any time I, or someone I know fucks something up.

I wish there was a help desk extension for life. Imagine how awesome I would look then!

*(This also comes in handy when you "accidentally move a folder full of stuff somewhere because you clicked on it, and have no idea where it wound up. Not that I know first hand or anything.)

Winter Running..

Not only did I never think I would be a "runner" but I certainly never thought I would be one of those crazy assholes running in the snow. I mean, who does that? But I finally got my first taste of it when we had our first official Ohio snow this past weekend.

My best friend/running partner is ever the optimist, where I am not...with running. So she is my Suzy sunshine, and I love her for it. When I complained about how bad it hurt to be pelted in the face with ice crystals, (Even though I only have about 2 inches of skin showing) how my ear bud wires were iced over, how I had an having an ever-running nose, soaked shoes, and a numb butt, she said "think about all those people sitting on their asses on the couch while we are out here burning calories, 80% of the population would never get out and do this" I smiled, thru the pain, and I kinda felt exclusive.

So I agreed to an extra mile.

Plus, we are lucky enough to live mere miles from all the beautiful metro parks, and running trails in the area. Not many people can walk to such beautiful places.

We took a quick stop at beaver marsh, because this big white goose was hanging out with the Canadian geese, and when we pointed out that "one of these things was not like the other" he really did look as though he'd been found out. Animals are so funny...

While a 6 mile outdoor run is always challenging for me, a 5 mile in a snowstorm, was really hard. You can see here, my friend kept going while I lagged behind at a slow jog for a few minutes.

At the end of our run (which included an off-trail urine break, which was also not enjoyable) we had icicles on our eyelashes, wet clothes, and frozen feet. (I need to invest in better winter gear for sure)

In conclusion, I really was proud of myself that I didn't miss my daily run due to weather.

Sure, I could have gone to work and used the gym, but there really is something about being outdoors, waving at other crazy runners as you pass, (I was always jealous of how motorcyclists had this exclusive wave too....) and connecting with nature, that a treadmill just can't offer.

I still wouldn't classify myself as one of those people who enjoys running, or experiences the elusive "runner's high". But I do enjoy the peace, the calorie burn, the way it makes my body look, and how I feel when I am done doing something only 20% of the population is willing to do.

Another Year Older...

It's my birthday. I'm 35 again. I think from now on, I'm sticking with 35. And I am taking time off of work the next 5 days.

I came into work, to a cubicle festively Birthday decorated in American Horror Story...I might have a slight obsession problem? And...the best employees!

I'm spending my time off Christmas shopping, getting some outdoor miles in, indulging in Chipotle (with guacamole!!!), drinking wine, taking Mr. Magoo to the dog park, cleaning for my birthday weekend, pampering myself by getting my nails done, drinking wine, lunching with my best friends, having a massage (my first EVER) drinking more wine, checking my work email, and dancing the night away with my girlfriends!

All things to remind me that being single is pretty damned awesome when you have a great group of people to help you through the tough times! And my ladies have had a long road with this girl!

I'll round the weekend out by spending my Monday entirely in my pajamas watching old American Horror Story episodes (in preparation for the FINALE!!!).

And... considering where I spent my last winter vacation (jail) these plans may as well be a trip to the Carribbean! (maybe if I had a sunlamp, that would help the facade...)

The universe even gave me a birthday smile was when I was carded for smokes (this never gets old) and the cashier gave me a weird look I said "it's not Lewinski, if that is what you are gonna say" ((my name is almost exactly like Monica Lewinsky, and is the #1 comment received any time anyone sees my name. I'm writing a book one day...)) "No" he says "I didn't think this was you, you look totally different"

Booya, I got my first post weight loss nod on the old ID. I told him he made my day.


Also, I'll give you reason 567,789,234 not to have kids. I have an entire 5 days dedicated to whatever the hell I wanna do, whenever the hell I wanna do it!

On that note, since it is MY Friday...Cheers to the freakin' weekend, fellow bloggers!!

Happiness is...

Happiness is...

Buying a tank top with a built in bra, and actually being able to wear it as intended....without a bra, and your boobs don't weigh the top down so all your cleave hangs out!

It's a wonder what you miss your whole life when you carry extra weight around.

Man! I feel like a woman!

Things That Make Ya Go...YAAAY!

It's Friday. Week 14. I lost 4lbs this week, which means I met my second goal of 50lbs! My total body fat loss is 14%! (so, in the past 4 years, I've lost 106lbs!!!)

How do I feel? Well, considering I am 21lbs from my personal goal, and a mere 26 from what Dr.'s think is my ideal goal....I'd have to say I feel pretty flipping amazing!

And tired, and well...my feet hurt!

I was walking into work this week, and passed by a girl in my department that I see probably on a weekly basis. I said "Hi coworker!" as she passed me ...and she ignored me, walked a few steps and turned around and said, "I totally didn't even know that was you, can we talk about your figure? You look amazing".

A couple of the VP's at work have taken to calling me "slim". Use that in a sentence.."hey slim, how's it going?" Are you talking to ME? Oh, yes, I guess you are!

Does this sort of thing get old? Well if it did I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it.

More than how it feels to wear cute clothes, and be comfortable hanging out at home naked (which is my uno #1 favorite thing about spinsterhood by the way) Accomplishing something I have failed at for so long is really what feels the most amazing.

I'm doing this. No one is making me work out. No one is punishing me for having a reese cup (or 5, so what?) or telling me that the world will come to a halt if I absolutely have to miss a work out. It's all me. What I do or don't do shows on the scale, I'm the one responsible for it.

And now, when people say they wish they had my dedication, I have started saying "instead of wasting all my energy on assholes, I'm spending it on me". I don't have anything everyone else doesn't have. I just actually stuck to something and put myself first.

Ummm...Did I mention I lost 50 lbs in a little over 3 months? I did? Well, anyhow, I want to rent a billboard, and inspire the world!

I also want to dance to shake it for me cowgirl, by Luke Bryan, which I'm a bit ashamed to say that I like, but it takes me back to my early 20's, when a friday night was alabama slammers, and bud ice's, and lots of boot stomping at the boot scoot salloon with my girlfriends! I love it!

Now, bring on the celebratory Moscato!!!

My Polish Side...

Today we said goodbye to Grandma. It occurred to me that her being 96 meant that she was already in her 60's when I was born. Time goes by so fast. In honor of not being sad, I'm sharing great things I learned today from my Dad's brothers.

1) Always pee when there is a restroom available
2) Remember to brush your eyebrows when they are wet, that way they stay where you put them.
3) Don't practice buddhism if you want to see them in heaven. I was after all, baptized catholic you know.
4) Free food doesn't count when you are on a diet, because there isn't enough free food in the world that can make you fat. (this may become my new mantra...)

And my favorite lesson was one on odds.

During hurricane Hugo, my uncle, aunt, cousin, and sister donned foil hats. There were trees crashing down all over the yard, and my uncle said that the odds of a tree falling on the house, and crushing them were good...but what are the odds that a tree would smash into a house and kill four people wearing foil hats?

You can't beat those odds.

Who says Polish people are dumb? They all survived, and a tree never hit the house.

One of the memories that came to me today about Grandma was when her and Grandpa got me a chocolate ice cream cone, and I sat and cried as it melted all over my hand, and their car while they kept telling me to eat it.....I didn't like chocolate. I didn't want any part of that stupid ice cream cone, and they finally had to take it away from me.

I would later grow up and eat chocolate to the point where my life now has to be working out to get rid of it.

Kid's may not be as stupid as I thought.

Drill Sergeant...

Saturday, I did an outdoor run. I never do these, because, well, lets face it they are way harder than on the treadmill. I did 4 miles, at about a 12 minute mile pace with a girlfriend, she kept going to do 10 and I did two with her, and two back. Four for me inside is cake.

Outside? Ummm...I felt that all weekend!

Tonight at boot camp I was made an example of, for the first time.

After we did 200 "run it over's" (which is four run counts to the right, jump squat, and four jumping jacks, then to the left) (where I threw up in my mouth exactly three times...what IS the secret to not getting nauseus?) I was "too slow" picking out weights, so she made me do football runs for five minutes.

Then while we were doing speed bicep curls, she asked me if I thought I was in the Matrix tonight and stood in front of me while I did them faster.

Have I mentioned this is over the sound system w/a microphone?

I pay a hefty rate to be pushed like that, and it's worth every penny.

And now, some photos for the hell of it.

My Mr. Magoodle the shih-poodle and his purple elephant. Having 10 teeth pulled didn't put a damper on the cute!

Someone has a muscle!!!

Young Love, A Facebook Story...

I know everyone loves how facebook brings back people from your past, but this is one I had totally forgotten about, and it made me nostalgic for the good old days! I got a friend request from a guy I tried to place the name that sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't see the picture until I accepted him. I am not big on accepting strangers as friends, so I quickly visited his page after friending him, before (if he were a creep) he could creep on my profile, and get into my bizness! It was him! This boy I use to "go with". You remember, when your parents always thought it was HIGH larious to say "where are you going?"

Only this wasnt an average going out kinda thing. I went to one school and he went to another. I don't even really remember how exactly we met...but the important thing is, we did meet. And we use to write letters, and send pictures back and forth. (Mind you if we drove it was like a 15 minute drive to this other school)

But yea, like letters, with a pen and notebook paper. And pictures, not digital, ones that you had to take to get developed, and could actually hold in your hand. And pin up in your locker! And had phone calls, you know like when the phone rang into your house, and if you weren't home you didn't get it, so you would sit by the phone...willing it to ring. Getting pissed when your Mom gabbed on the phone for hours!



And seeing each other? This occurred only twice. At his schools football game, and my schools football game. And it wasn't like we spent the whole game together, oh no..I was in THE BAND, and we only had the third quarter free. "Third quarter privleges" this is called.



So we had made plans to meet, so we could walk around the track and hold hands. Holding hands! This one simple thing, was so exciting!



I guess I am getting older because I really miss the times before I met assholes who hurt me, and ruined that hopeful young love. Who made me think that holding hands wasn't enough, and I wasn't enough.



When things were simple. When distance didn't matter, and you didn't worry that someone would "cheat" on you because you were never around. And..getting a phone call or a letter was enough to sustain something.

Night Life..

I had so much fun this weekend, dancing with my girlfriends until 3 am. What I know about being 35 is I feel like I'm 21 most of the time. Until I spend 5 hours dancing and drinking, and spend an entire Saturday on the couch recouperating. Missing out on seeing a cute boy that I kinda like, and dancing another night with my girlfriends.

I spent half a Sunday on the couch too, but it was totally worth it.

I havn't said much about the new guy, because until I know where it is heading, it's kind of pointless. But what I can say is that it's nice to laugh, and be treated like a lady, and be excited about possibilities instead of pipe dreams. I may have, in the last few years, lost sight of what I really want by hoping to find it in someone who couldn't give it to me.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for me!

Ketchup..

I love Ketchup. But what I love more, is my new soda stream drink maker! I spend a small fortune in buying seltzer water, (with sliced cucumber it's a dream!) so I think of it as an investment! It cost alot by my standards, but I'm worth it. And, I made an orange soda, you know, for mixing with the vodka when you just don't feel like a vodka soda! It's only 35 calories a liter, you can't beat that!

Other than this, I've been hellah busy, girl at work is in the hospital 2 months early trying not to have her baby at the busiest time of the year, so I've been working a lot of overtime, and time is flying by. Sometimes I forget to pee. I wish I could say I forget to eat..but that never happens. The price of being the boss, but I don't have to do it often, and I'm thankful to have a job I love. And, since I'm a hip boss, I texted her to "keep those legs crossed for two more months and not worry about work".

I also spent days sautee-ing, and steaming vegetables, brown rice, and chicken and froze it into serving sizes, in my attempt to drop my final 30lbs for summer time. In a month I can drive...(squeeee...) and I'll be headed back to boot camp (cross fit) and weekly meditation. I cannot WAIT! I have so much to look forward to.

I filed my taxes, and selling my stock didn't screw me over, and I actually got a refund. Soon, I'll bonus at work, and I'm going to be in the clear. Time to pay off more debt, and continue my savings (I actually have one after 35 years!!!!) get my car fixed, and (drumroll........) plan for home OWNERSHIP! A house for ME and the furkids!

My position at work is also growing, and I really feel like this is my year. For the first time in a long time. I'm not holding myself back in hopes someone will catch up to where I am, and where I want to be in life. I'm also planning to do something fabulous on the job, and win a spot on the annual trip to somewhere warm and beachy next spring!

I'm doing a 3 mile outside run tomorrow. I do 4 indoors, but I'm not good outside. This is in preparation for my first 5K in May, and hopefully....a half marathon this summer! It feels so good to have goals!

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone!

Do I miss "him"? I miss what I wanted him to be. But I realize now, that was all in my head, simply dreams, fueled by words he told me to keep me around until he decided what he wanted to do with his life.

The dark cloud is that my uncle shot himself. He had cancer, which he suffered from for years, that came back. He couldn't take it anymore. That makes my Grandma, Grandpap, two uncles, and an Aunt on my Moms side with cancer.

I think that in my awesome new year, I need to add quitting smoking to the line up!

Doncha Know I'm Loco...(Not really)

I don't know that I've mentioned how completely and totally at peace I feel in my life after 6 months of constant anxiousness, sleeplessness, and heartache. I'm happy to be out of that spot for sure! And I hope to continue to do so!

On to better things. Like, the Four Loko ban in Ohio. (and other states that I don't live in so therefore could care less about) Can I live my life without this delicious $2 drink? Sure! But that should be my choice. Not the FDA's. Do the ingredients kill people? I have them all the time. I'm sorry people drink too much and died, but I guess then I'm also sorry that the homeless guy at the intersection near home is homeless because he probably drinks too much too. Only I bet its not Four Loko. It's probably something way stronger! Like whiskey.

I am also sad that countless people die in alchohol related deaths, and accidents each year, but that is all a result of people not knowing their limits, making mistakes. People die, but until we are all walking around in bubbles, thats the way this life goes.

You take your own life into your hands every time you step out the door. Birds could poke your eyes out! You could fall down the stairs! A wild dog could attack you! Vampires could stalk you! So, should we have birds' beaks cut off? Pad all the stairs? Kill all the dogs? (not the puppies!) And battle vampires?

My beef with this is mostly that more and more choices are being taken away from us. I'm not really political, but I'm also no dummy. I have to pay an extra tax to tan, because its not good for me. The 1500 warnings posted in the salon didn't tell me that, so I have to pay more ...to drive the point home. It has nothing to do with making anyone richer.

I smoke, so I pay like $5 in taxes per pack of cigarettes, but thats my choice. I know they are dangerous. Kids are going to take the new reformulated Four Loko, and add red bull to it. Probably more than is already in the pre packaged drink, and more will die. And then who's fault is that? Red bull? Or the kids? When do things become a persons responsibility?

Is it the Honda's fault Joe Schmoe lost control and crashed into a family? Or is it a horrible mistake made by Joe?

You know what they are doing these days? Besides buying up all the sudafed, and making ME feel conspicuous when I have to sign for this LEGAL drug at the pharmacy counter, and wonder how many times is too many before I'm flagged as a meth head?

Their huffing fermented poop to get high.

Look for poop to be banned soon. You will all be ordered to stop pooping, because kids could steal your old poop and sniff it until they are in such a poop stupor, that they probably die. When I was a stupid kid, we took cold tablets. I bet if you take enough cold tablets you can die. So everyone should have to suffer with colds, and have them banned? Please.

Too much of anything is bad. I think you learn this the first time you eat a whole package of zero bars in a day. Or a whole gallon of ice cream. Or a whole two liter of coke. Or drink beer, and wine, and vodka, and pucker, and you get so sick first you eat some guy on the streets chili cheese fries in the flats of Cleveland of all places....and then your Mom has to pick you up cus even your own husband abandoned you to wallow in your own puke. What? You havn't done those things?

Wounded...

You know that crappy saying people think helps you get over someone when your heart is wrenched out of your chest? "Time heals all wounds". What. Ever. Time doesn't heal anything. Not even a yeast infection.

I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.

I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?

I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.

Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.

And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.

You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.

And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.

I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.

I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.

I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.

Weight a minute...

Happiness is...dreading going to the Dr. because you know they will make you step on the stupid scale, and finding out you GREW.

I grew a quarter inch! I have always been 5'4.5" and now I'm 5' 4.75"!!! And I didn't have to get those leg extenders like in Gattica. Maybe I'll make 5' 5".

I guess growing is as awesome same as losing weight. I guess!

When the Dr. came in, the first thing she said to me is "You maintained your weight an entire year!!! Hardly anyone does that, usually they gain some or all of it back!" So, I guess that made me feel good about not dropping another pound since my last visit.

She suggested what everyone does. Weight training. Reluctantly, I started this up again a few weeks ago. I just hate it. It hurts. I also started doing more eliptical than running. I'm ready to lose the last 30lbs once and for all. I am in very good shape, I just have more weight to lose. I have great endurance, and strength, and you would probably never guess it from looking at me.

Gawd! I'm sick of it!

Look at me Neglecting the blog...

I've been doing things like, working too much unpaid overtime (I'm salary so it all adds up in the end) and preparing for bacheloretting, cleaning, and seeing my new guy. Who's quickly climbing to the top as my favorite guy.

We had our first date last week. Yes, we've known each other for years, and have hung out countless times, and had a "cook you dinner" date, but it was our first time going out officially!

He asked what time I wanted him to pick me up, I said pick me up? I'm so not use to that, I told him that's the royal treatment! I havn't been picked up for a date in years! When he came to get me he put me in the car too which is my #1 favorite boy thing to do for a girl. (this is closely followed by petting, and forehead kisses, which I also have been getting!)

I was so nervous, which seems silly, as we've seen each other naked, and talked about everything from religion, to childhood crushes. I just get nervous! But of course, we had a fantastic evening! One of his friends called when we were on our way home, and he said he had to go because he was being rude being on the phone in front of his....(insert my name here) he almost called me his girlfriend.

This past week, he bought me pillows for his house. Which is pretty stinking cute, seeing how I sleep on a cloud of pillowy goodness at home (I have 8 pillows, I sleep with 4) and he has two, what I refer to as "pancake pillows". So, he thought enough of my comfort to buy me pillows.

Then, he came over, just to fix my bed for me on Sunday, because it's been broken countless times (don't ask me how) and finally took a crap when I was making it. He fixed it for real, and I enjoyed every second. I love a man who will rescue a damsel in distress, and knows how to fix things, and cares enough to offer his help, without being asked. *swoon*

The only thing that I wonder about, is the fact that he does not consume my every thought. I mean I really like him. I love hanging out with him, I'm attracted to him, he's super sweet and funny, and never ever complains about my smelly dog, rather says "it's not her fault" (which it isn't!) and isnt a cat person, but still calls my cats by name, has a couple nicknames for them, and lets them lay on his lap. (the way to my heart is thru my pets, obvy)

My Mom says that's because its a normal healthy relationship. I guess I'm not use to it. That, and the fact that it's not really "new", since he's what i affectionatley call a "re-do". He calls it third times a charm. I mean the relationship stuff is new. But we're not new in a lot of other ways.

I'm just rolling with it. Because I am happy where I am. Still seeing my friends and living my life, and having a cute boy who I really like to hang out with too.

The Universe According to Me...

Long ago, I was lost. I wasn't who I am today, and I wasn't happy. Once I started on a path of self improvement, positive thinking, the law of attraction, and buddhism, things all changed for me.

Maybe we all just need something to believe in?

I really believe the mind is the source of all of our trouble, joy, and sadness. The one thought that opened me up to the power of the mind was of course, Wayne Dyer (whom I heart as a spiritual teacher) talking about memories. How powerful a memory can be that it makes you laugh, or cry years later, or makes you feel attached to a moment. Memories are nothing more than thoughts, yet they evoke those emotions.

Think about it. So is love. You can't hold love. It's a feeling, a thought, and is quite powerful.

So, bad thoughts have just as much power, this started me on my path towards positive thinking. Why waste time on negative thoughts? For the most part, I do well with this. I'm always complimented at work on my upbeat, positive outlook, and my ability to motivate others. I love that about myself.

But since the dumping, something has been missing. The love I felt for exmanfriend hasn't been replaced with love for anything else. And while I've always read about improving, I've always been alone on the journey.

Once I took a group meditation in Virginia, and it was the most amazing experience (almost orgasmic...true story) of my life.

Monday I was upset, and crying to the universe, that I am ready to let "this" (the exmanfriend bs) go, and I am open to love. I am ready to move on and put it behind me. I couldn't sleep, so I repeated these things over, and over as a mantra.

The next morning the first thing I googled was Akron Buddhism. And I found a local center close to my house, where I will be attending an orientation tonight.

And thus begins my new spiritual path with Shambhala buddhism, and Shambhala training.

Exmanfriend and I shared this interest, and read about it extensively, but we never followed up with it. He's a good bullshitter, and talker. I'm a doer, and I guess in a way I let him stifel that in me.

This is something that can come out of the wreckage of the break up. I can find my spirituality, and inner peace, and like minded people.

Without him.

Happiness is...a Dear John Letter...

Ladies night was a success as usual. We've been doing a monthly get together, and everyone brings new friends, and you meet new people. I went from having only one day planned this weekend, to now having my weekend jam packed full of fun girlie things to do!

The best part of the night for me, was when I was talking to a new girl about being dumped, as she is recently divorced. She asked what happened..so.

I let one of the girls narrate my dear john letter from exmanfriend to the group. (yes, you have to click and read that if you missed it...) the comments "seriously, you are glad he's gone, right?" "after three years he wrote you a letter?" "who the hell is MOJO? his CAT? Did he really blame his CAT?" "He doesn't know what the hell he wants" "you deserve so much more than that" "He dumped you on FACEBOOK? Is he 12?" "He did you the biggest favor, you'll see that".

All made me laugh and realize that yes...I am a wonderful lady. Who didn't deserve to get dumped, let alone, the way he dumped me. And I am going to be so much better off when my real prince comes along.

It's important to have girlfriends. A slap in the face is easier when you have people to pick you up.