Backslide...

So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

One less heart in the jar...

This is a story about two people. A cheater, and a cheatee. (cheatee?) Who dated for a very long time. In their relationship there was cheating, a break up, a reunion, a break up, and after a very long time apart....they got back together.

Que Hearts and flowers.

Then, one stormy evening (for effect) the cheater tells the cheatee that he ran into the skank that he cheated with at a party of a friend of his. The cheatee decides, if skank is friends with friends of his, and she will be around, she has to accept it, and trust him. Not easy, but she does. She is not normally a jealous person so she doesn't let it consume her at all.

But then...after a week of the cheater being distant, and acting strangely...

The cheatee just so happens to unblock the skank from FB and happens to see that the cheater and skank are friends, after the cheatee asks the cheater one measly thing....unfriend her and months prior, he did.

When the cheater is asked why he is friends with the skank again after the cheatee simply asked one thing of him NOT TO be... the cheater says he was 'going to tell her' ...and he did it to see if the cheatee was over the cheating incident. Like...a test. Or as the cheatee likes to call it...a set up.

After all of this, the cheatee goes thru the cheaters phone. Wondering what may have happened to make the cheater no longer hate the skank, and risk the relationship they had to be friends with her.

The past was the past until the cheater brought it into the present again. Disrespecting their relationship, and any progress they had made by choosing to have her in his life again.

The cheater becomes irate because the cheatee looked in his phone. And..dumps the cheatee...because the cheatee doesn't trust the cheater. And after everything she was willing to overlook, this one incident is what made the cheater snap.

In reality, the cheater dumped the cheatee because the cheater hadn't changed, and had something to hide. The cheatee regretted going thru the cheaters phone for about a day, until she realized that if it wasn't this incident, it would have been another day. Another time, or another girl that did it. He was still afraid to move forward, to compromise anything to be happy with her, and would be a perpetual headcase.

So, the cheatee is thru wasting her time and tears on someone who doesn't deserve her. She is so much better than that. And she is totally over it!


(this space intentionally left blank for her happy ending..................)

Wounded...

You know that crappy saying people think helps you get over someone when your heart is wrenched out of your chest? "Time heals all wounds". What. Ever. Time doesn't heal anything. Not even a yeast infection.

I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.

I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?

I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.

Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.

And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.

You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.

And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.

I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.

I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.

I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.

Apology...accepted?...

What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.

I love fairy tales!!...

Once upon a time there was a girl, who was putting her laundry away, not terribly long after having her heart ripped out by a MASShole. (I'm bringing this back!)

She came across a pair of his boxers, that she use to love to wear, and had since their very first week of dating.

Then, she went out of her way to wipe her ass with them before she threw them away. True story.

That girl, might need a lesson on...moving on, but I bet inside she felt pretty good for a second.

As If I needed another reason...

So, obviously I dated a sociopath for years. They are good liars. This is my new word, thanks to Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. (Hi, I'm exmanfriend...Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Grandiose Sense of Self, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions, Need for Stimulation, Callousness/Lack of Empathy, Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature, Irresponsibility/Unreliability, Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity, Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle, Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them, Extreme narcissism)

Another reason to be thankful exmanfriend dumped me with that lame ass letter, is the fact that yes, he is dating this skank that he cheated on me with. (shocker!) who also had a boyfriend at the time. (she's one classy chick....obvy!) Who if I were childish, I'd post her picture so you could see how uncute she really is. (boys...why do you never trade UP???)

Even further, he is still active on our mutual dating sight, while parading said girlfriend around his friends and family.

If I didn't think she deserved to be strung along, and pummeled in the stomach with her own dear john letter one day when he finds what he "really wants" I would warn her.

But then, no one warned me. Sorry bout your luck!

Crazy Like a Fox...

Imagine you log onto your FB account and see that you are no longer in a relationship. It's gone. And so is your manfriend!

Then imagine you jokingly text your manfriend "did you break up with me on FB?" Then imagine it wasn't a joke at all, and he really did dump you on facebook! Who does that? Who doesn't give someone the decency to break up face to face. On the phone. Something, before ending your relationship on FB?

The best part, that I think should be viewed by the entire blog world, is the letter he left me, which was suppose to explain why this all happened, out of nowhere. Two days after moving stuff into my apartment, in a relationship where nothing out of the ordinary ever happened...

..I realize that I have become more and more hesitant about moving in with you over the last week or so. When I first asked you if you would like me to move in; I have had some positive reasons to do so & some negative reasons not to do so. I have spent plenty of time trying to prepare for how this move will effect me and I have come to realize that I do not want to move to (your city) to live with you because its too far from my family & friends. While it may not make much difference at this point; my reason for not wanting to move in has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the fact that I will miss my family and friends more and more while seeing them less and less.

My other reason concerns mojo (the cat) and her well being. I know that you have always had a good home for your pets as you do now, you are great with animals and i have learned a great deal from you. I still feel awful for putting mojo through the "blending" process for however long it takes for her and the other cats to mix. I fear that mojo will not be the same cat after that and it means so much to me that she does remain herself and happy. I am not attempting to say that she will become traumatized or injured, but I do know that my relationship with her will change based on circumstances and there's no guarantee for a successful outcome. I have come to realize that I do not want to move in because I will have to put her through that.

While it may make no difference, I am sorry that I have changed my mind mid moving in, because I realize that you have turned parts of your house upside down so you can make room for me and my stuff as I slowly brought it down. I am sorry that I wont be living with you because you've wanted it for a while. So one day I asked you, you said yes, and I agreed, and then; I changed my mind. I would be really damn upset if I were you too. I hate having to let you down but I realize that I'm not going to be as happy living with you as I'd like to be because I have to sacrifice a lot on my part as well, so I can move in.

I have enjoyed our time over the last 5 months (since we got back together) because you have been able to make a better effort and so have I. I have been very happy with you and only you. We have helped each other through a lot of tough times, shared many great memories and experiences. I am truly grateful that we both have chosen to share the last 2 1/2 years of our lives together. I really appreciate your moving to (your city) because you wanted to find a better place for yourself and be closer to me. I wish that I could overcome my inhibitions and move to (your city) to be with you, I realize that I cannot. So what do we do? How long are we going to drive back and forth hoping we can find a common place to live? You made a bold move to move to (your city) and I dont expect that youd be looking to move even further north. After all of this is there any point? (he never asked me to move anywhere else, it never came up)

I have a lot of things that I need to finish; such as school. (he isnt even in school) I need to clean up my apartment so I can finally have a chance to enjoy living there instead of just storing a bunch of crap and using a few of my things. I need to get part time work so I can have more help getting my finances straightened out. I need to find one or two things to do so I feel happier and more balanced in my life. I have not taken the time to do so and thats my fault; not yours. If you have already realized that you've had it with me, because of my decision to stay in (his city) then so be it. If you havn't come to that conclusion then I need to be on my own and want both of us to move on. Either way, this letter and these thoughts are between us, and if you tell people that you dumped me, then thats fine with me. (use me as the scape goat)

The sony dvd player is yours along with the planters to do w/as you please. I have picked up my tools, clothes, and a few of my packed boxes that I brought down the other day. The key that you made for me is on the table and I would appreciate if you would destroy/dispose of the key to my apartment that I made for you. I do not plan on using FB as much as I have been, I want to tell you upfront that I have no intention of sending you rude comments, messages, or reposting pictures that you no longer wish to have up and Im asking you give me the same consideration.

If you want a reason why I want to go my own way, heres mine...we're never going to find a place to share that will accomodate both of our needs. (even though he never asked) We've been at it for a few years already. (it never came up until he wanted to move in w/me but ok) I havn't stopped loving you, I don't have an eye on someone else, and I have been 100% faithful since we got back together. I just need to focus on myself and my goals for a while instead of driving back and forth to (your city) as you do so we can maintain what we have been. I know its been hard on both of us. (never complained)I had a few great years with you and have not come to this decision easily, I wish you the best,

Signed, Dickhead

Ummm...really? You start moving in with a girl and THEN you decide it's not for you?