Cinderella Had One Thing Right...

My record stay here in singlehood, (we're going on years now people) has really forced me to take a look at myself. I think that's probably why I'm still single. I haven't figured my "stuff" out yet.

Why is it you can know what you want...but lack the ability to find it?

When I want a good running shoe, I try several on, jog around a bit, and instantly know if it is a good fit. I make the decision rather quickly, with no hard feelings about all those shoes left behind. I don't second guess my choice, I know it's the right shoe. I leave happily with my new shoes, and life is good.

Why do we choose to try on relationships that we know don't fit?

I had a few boyfriends before I met the ex husband my junior year of high school. None of them were right for me. And I knew he wasn't right for me either. But I still married him. At that time, youth made me believe he would change....for me. Well, that was a dumb idea.

I went from a bad marriage to a worse relationship. It was even more abusive, and yet, I had a really hard time leaving it. A dear friend MADE me leave and put me up until I found an apartment. So, ummm..yea, that one didn't work out for me either.

The next one treated me like gold. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him, but I still moved in with him because he was the first man who was good to me. He seemed "normal".  His parent's were still happily married. He seemed to have his "shit" together. But, inevitably, we grew apart, and that didn't work.

The rest has been played out via my blog. I met another guy and by then. I  thought I had my shit together too. As in...I wasn't living with another guy until we were engaged. So he saved up enough money to get me a ring, propose, and move in to mooch off of me for a year, while I supported him. He worked and stole just enough to support his drug habit. Fail.

Enter exmanfriend. The end all be all of my relationship highs and lows. I'd never felt the way I felt about him,   about ANYONE and he made me feel cherished. I thought the world of that guy, and for the first time in 30+ years, I thought I'd found the one. I was myself. Nothing was forced. I wasn't pretending, this is what it is suppose to feel like! Except, he just  wasn't in the same place as me, and we all know how that one ended.  

It kinda messed me up for a long while. For the first time I not only knew what I wanted on paper, but I knew how I wanted to feel when I was with someone.

And now, here we are. Dating, and thinking I've found one good one after another, only to not have any of the feelings I expect to have. I still haven't found "it". And it's hard for the guys to understand. You know, the "feeling" part. We can get along, and have loads in common, but I am looking for fireworks And I'm not into wasting my time if I don't feel them.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being irrational, and expecting too much, but I've grown enough since exmanfriend to not compare people to "him" anymore. And simply hold the people I date to a higher standard.

And that's where the shoes come in. I have to believe, that just like I know what a good fitting shoe feels like, so will I know what a good fitting relationship feels like.

I'm tired of tight, pinchy shoes that give me blisters.

Just as I've grown as a runner to value my feet enough to put some effort into the perfect shoe...so do I value my heart enough to put some effort into finding the right partner for my life.

Accepting this scenerio, has made being single seem less like an affliction, and more like a choice.

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort


I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!


Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.


Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

Things That Make Ya Go...YAAAY!

It's Friday. Week 14. I lost 4lbs this week, which means I met my second goal of 50lbs! My total body fat loss is 14%! (so, in the past 4 years, I've lost 106lbs!!!)

How do I feel? Well, considering I am 21lbs from my personal goal, and a mere 26 from what Dr.'s think is my ideal goal....I'd have to say I feel pretty flipping amazing!

And tired, and well...my feet hurt!

I was walking into work this week, and passed by a girl in my department that I see probably on a weekly basis. I said "Hi coworker!" as she passed me ...and she ignored me, walked a few steps and turned around and said, "I totally didn't even know that was you, can we talk about your figure? You look amazing".

A couple of the VP's at work have taken to calling me "slim". Use that in a sentence.."hey slim, how's it going?" Are you talking to ME? Oh, yes, I guess you are!

Does this sort of thing get old? Well if it did I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it.

More than how it feels to wear cute clothes, and be comfortable hanging out at home naked (which is my uno #1 favorite thing about spinsterhood by the way) Accomplishing something I have failed at for so long is really what feels the most amazing.

I'm doing this. No one is making me work out. No one is punishing me for having a reese cup (or 5, so what?) or telling me that the world will come to a halt if I absolutely have to miss a work out. It's all me. What I do or don't do shows on the scale, I'm the one responsible for it.

And now, when people say they wish they had my dedication, I have started saying "instead of wasting all my energy on assholes, I'm spending it on me". I don't have anything everyone else doesn't have. I just actually stuck to something and put myself first.

Ummm...Did I mention I lost 50 lbs in a little over 3 months? I did? Well, anyhow, I want to rent a billboard, and inspire the world!

I also want to dance to shake it for me cowgirl, by Luke Bryan, which I'm a bit ashamed to say that I like, but it takes me back to my early 20's, when a friday night was alabama slammers, and bud ice's, and lots of boot stomping at the boot scoot salloon with my girlfriends! I love it!

Now, bring on the celebratory Moscato!!!

Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

Setting a good example...

I work for a ginormous company, that is the corporate headquarters for lots and lots and lots of retail stores.I get to work today and we have two emails. All of home office systems are down. So you know, customers can't call to ask about their credit, or complain. When people can't complain they get pissed off. They start going up the chain of command and guess who works at the top with the vice presidents?

They turned off the phone number to customer service. Gone. You don't think people will find a way around that?

And I don't like customers. I did my time working with the public at Taco Bell for four years. You want to talk about time served. That's time served times 10 because they are 99% drunk, high, or both, plus I worked in the ghetto for most of that time. People stole our toilet tank cover almost every day.

No computer systems. How do you run a business w/no systems?

This reminds me of those late nights at the bell when I'd be the only one working (yes, we always had to CUT HOURS as shift managers) and I would be so slammed w/drive thru drunks, I never had a second to drop meat. So, I'd periodically run out of chicken, or beef.

Try telling a drunk person you don't have chicken or beef at Taco Bell.

Those are the days that I'd turn the lights off, and pretend to be closed. If you ever drove up on South Arlington Street Taco Bell and it was closed when it shouldn't have been after 2 am....I was probably managing that night.

P.S. This girl also scored Cav's tix in the company suite in two weeks!

Hopeful...

I'm on day 9 of having partial hearing. I've been sick 15 days. I went to urgent care a week ago with a horrid ear infection following the worst pain I've ever felt..which turns out was a ruptured ear drum due to a sinus infection/strep throat.

I still can't hear out of my left ear and the extreme annoyance, and lonliness at work because its so quiet can't be described. I'm on medicine, but it just takes time. And a follow up appointment in 4 days with my regular Dr.

I feel fine now, aside from occasional sharp pricks in my ear, and being hella tired, I "feel" great.

This weekend I had my first four wheeler ride! I may be sheltered, but after a talk w/new guy about the state of our "relationship" we decided we don't see each other enough. (duh) And he'd been too busy wondering whether or not I was "the one" rather than enjoying our time together and seeing where it lead.

And boys say GIRLS are confusing. He's really hung up on the kids thing, which I said I'm not like most girls, who would have a baby at any cost....I want the whole shabang, the love, the husband, happy marriage, laughter, respect, the house, and THEN the kid. I don't want any one without any other.

I have been with guys I thought about having a baby with. Well two. My ex husband, and that asshole exmanfriend of mine. I don't think I'll feel incomplete without having one. But for me, its an extension of my love for someone..not something I feel the need to do to validate being a woman.

It was an awesome talk, which was followed up by him asking me to spend the day with him on Saturday. He took me on his four wheeler, which I thought would scare the crap out of me, but I ended up having so much fun! We went fast, and I got muddy, and subsequently, some bruises.

Then we spent the day with a couple that he's friends with, he made his deelish homeade mac and cheese, and we played cards.

Which by the way...we won. Not only do I have a uechre partner again (I've missed playing so much!) but we're a pretty good team!

The Breakfast Line...

In the breakfast line in the grill at the office:

Grill guy: "did you guys see that (whatever kind of kids jumbo water slide with water guns on it) was on sale at toys r us for $200?"

Coworkers: "yea it's normally $500"!

Grill Guy: "I got one for my kids"

Me: "when I was little I had to swim in a trash can"

At least I wasn't alone, my friend Stephanie use to play in there too.

Things Untold...

Oh yea, the stalker one date guy, is now done with stalking me. He told me off in his own way. Sorry I'm just not that into you. Someone will be. There is someone for everyone, mkay?

Since I'm on a break and all, I won't tell you that I've hung out with someone a few times. (no not that asshole exmanfriend)

This someone I've known for like four years closley, longer than that in the "group of friends" kind of way.

Like, I threw up in his living room about 9 years ago.. after a night of clubbing with a girlfriend found us at an after hours party there. In my defense, I did catch the vomit in my hands. Come to think of it, I'm suprised we're not married already, I'm a pretty classy chick.

We had a casual relationship for a year, neither of us wanted more. After another relationship, we briefly tried for actual "dating", and then someone decided to give their asshole ex another undeserved shot at this prize. (I'm the someone, and the prize)

We never parted on bad terms, or had a "break up" and always remained friendly with each other.

I am a believer in signs, and things happening for a reason. I think there was a reason that my moms A/C broke, and I called him to go look at it for her cus she's broke. I think theres also a reason that despite my strong urge to call him on a personal level after seeing him, I remained strong and stuck to my "If a boy likes me he'll call" 'rule'..and he ended up calling me.

I think theres a reason we've been friends for so long, and enjoy each others company, and seem to always wind up 'together'.

Like Carrie and BIG! OMG!! ok, I'm just kidding. Sorta.

I'm not in any sort of a rush to find love, or be "tied down" or call someone my boyfriend just yet. We know a lot of the same people. We have endless conversation, and the times we get together to watch a movie, we end up laughing and talking all night instead. We can be ourselves and he is a lot like me, positive, fun, and personable.

For whatever reason he's in my life, he is. And I'm just taking it as it comes. He hasn't had a serious girlfriend in 5 years, and I have only been broke up for almost 2 months.

I do know that you always say to a person...where were you my whole life? Why am I meeting you NOW? Why not 10 years ago?

And the answer is simple, the right time is now. You weren't ready 10 years ago. And I think the same thing may be happening here. All the times we were "together" the timing was off. We were never on the same page at the same time for very long, we wanted different things, but always enjoyed ourselves.

Now, we both seem to be in the same place. And that place, is alright with me.

Plus, he is a super duper good kisser. You don't realize how much you miss something until you find a "one up".

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.

Soul Mating...

Back in July, when me and the manfriend were on vacay, we attended a lecture on soul mates at the A.R.E. I've also read the book "Soul Mates, The New Age Guide to Finding your One True Love". I read that book when I had the same idea most people have. That a soul mate is the one person in the world who is meant for you to love. Which, if you think about, is really kind of sad. Why only one person to love? If you had your heart broken, and havn't looked back to say the person was a total loser (which, does happen) what does that mean? You lost your one true love and you will never have another?



I finished the book with quite another perception. A twin soul, as taught in the lecture, is the division of the soul out in the universe (or heaven if you so believe) before taking human form. There is a yin and a yang, and one usually takes on male characteristics, while the other, female.

You are not necessarily incarnated at the same time on the earth, nor are you destined to find one another. The ideal "soul mate" most people describe is actually a twin soul.



Soul mates, are everywhere. They are whomever comes into your life to teach you a lesson, that you need to learn. Boyfriends, husbands, friends, teachers, Moms, Dads. It's whoever you feel connected to beyond this world, which is hard to explain, but it's a feeling. They are put in your life to teach you lessons, and then they are gone.



The idea that there is one perfect person that completes you in the world, is sort of like the ounce of hope in all of us, something to strive for. "I know my someone is out there". Which is true, but you can't waste your life thinking that you have to find that one person who will complete you. Because different people will complete you at different points in your life.



Which goes my favorite analogy as related to me by one of my many counselors. The shoes. If you wear a size 8 shoe, and try to put on a size 6, it isn't going to fit. You can want it to fit, and fight it to fit, but it just doesn't fit. If you force it to fit, it will give you blisters, and make you uncomfortable (and yes, perhaps bitchy). Who's fault is it that the shoe doesn't fit?



Yours? Or the shoes?



It's neither's fault. The fault is in that it's not the right size shoe, and therefore did not fit. It's the same with relationships. You try them on for size and sometimes they don't fit.

So, when you find the right size shoe. You should put it on, and walk around in it. Enjoy the fit! There's a reason for it.

I'm not old....

I'm not old, but I remember cassette tapes. Actually, my Mom had a buick, with an eight track player in the car. And my sister bought an adapter when she inherited the car, so that she could play tapes.

Tapes were cool. I remember listening to them so many times that sometimes they'd break, and youd have to perform surgery on them, with scotch tape.





If you got it right, it just skipped and muffled the sound for a second. If you did it wrong, the damn player would eat your tape. Then it would get all mangled up, and ruin an entire song or something.



And, if you performed surgery you also had to rewind it. This required a #2 pencil which sometimes worked beautifully, or my personal favorite, the letter opener.

I use to wait all day while baking my skin in the sun to hear a song on the radio to tape it. Then, if a song was particularly awesome, you'd have to dub it on to another tape several times in a row because it took forfreakingever to rewind. And you'd pass it up, and have to fast forward.



At first, I had to use two boomboxes to accomplish this, and hope that my mom didnt call my name or anything and ruin my taping with the boom boxes face to face.



Then they got fancey, and "dubbing" was invented for the rest of us. Then high speed dubbing, when you could record a whole tape in like, an hour.



The first tape I bought was Madonna.."Madonna" incidently, my first CD was Madonna "Ray of Light" .



Madonna happens to be my favorite.

Crack Is Wack...

This morning, a lady tapped on my window while I warmed up my car in my own driveway. She had silver duct tape on her mouth and motioned to me that she wanted my cigarette. I said "sorry last one" and rolled the window up. She removed the duct tape and said Please im desperate.

I backed out and left. I kept saying I have to go to work. Then I kept picturing the gypsy curse from "Drag Me to Hell". I don't think crack whores have gypsy demon powers though. Then I thought, what if it was Jesus testing my generosity. Then I remembered, I don't really believe in all that religion stuff. And if I thought there was a Jesus, he certainly wouldn't be asking for cigarettes. right? Your body is your temple or something? Seriously. Drugs make you a total fucking moron.

As illustrated by several of my ex boyfriends.

I msgd back and forth last night w/notsomuchamanfriend. We established a lot of things, except what he avoided was, my asking about the elephant in the room...what made him have an interest in someone else in the first place. All the breaking up may have been a mistake (duh) but what about the mistake of someone else? How bout that?

You know, ending a relationship with me for her? Remember? Hello? Cooking dinner for said skank, and not even taking me out for a drink anymore cus you had no money and I was understanding of your job-less state? Becaue you know, I love you, but she gets dinner?

So I told him today that until hes ready to have an honest conversation about it, theres nothing else to say. I don't know that it would help. But you have to be honest, right?

The new guy finally called me last night just to chat. Which was nice. But hes not the ex. And we've been thru all of that already. I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep thinking that people tell him to call me because he knows people I know. And it seems like whenever I'm fed up with not hearing from him he'll call. We have voice communication from time to time. Imagine that. He makes me laugh.

I really dont know what I'm doing. Did I mention that at all?

So.. I drank wine. I found the yummy wine that me and notsomuchamanfriend couldn't find together after looking and looking, that we had at a restaurant w/his parents. And I drank myself asleep.

Because, why does everything have to be about him? Every song. Every TV Show. Every movie. Every store. Every word. Every-THING.

I've been trying to think away thoughts about him, but I'm reading Understanding our mind by Tich naht hahn (also recommended by said notsomuchamanfriend. Every THING.) and it says you can't do that. You have to feel everything or it will always consume you.

I hate this.

I wish he would try harder to win me back. But maybe he'll make it easier to move on by not doing so. Why wouldn't he come see me? Or I dunno...call me on the phone? Write me a letter? Sing me a song? STAND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE AND PLAY IN YOUR EYES BY PETER GABRIEL ON YOUR 80'S BOOMBOX?? (of course, he might get accosted by the crackhead lady asking for smokes..)

He needs to make an effort, and prove he is sorry and that he wants more. Otherwise he's wasting my time, and preventing me from moving on. And being selfish! And I don't need any of that.

In the meantime I made a nice meditation area at home. I put my buddha head, and candles, and my living wisdom w/the Dalai Lama study cards there, and hooked up my mp3 player w/my speakers to play meditations. I get a card out and think on it each day. And it helps me a bit, at least for a few minutes I clear my head.

This week has been patience. Yea. Imagine that.

Time. Time. Time....

Over You, get over me...

So like, a few Saturday's ago, my phone rang at 8 am. Who calls me at 8am on a Saturday? I dunno, I answered it. Suprise, it was my ex BF. Z.

Now, he's called me plenty over the years. I told him a bazillion times that I'm happy now. For a long time I just ignored the calls. Always caller id blocked.

Last time I talked to him, he wanted me to write a letter to the prosecutor to get his felony esponged (sp?). "I paid my dues" His felonly? Breaking and entering into my house while I slept, waking me up, and terrorizing me.

Maybe he didn't attempt to murder me. But he did hold me against my will, and threaten to kill me, and push me around for a couple of hours.

Since then he has called a lot. Left me msgs telling me to answer the phone. And called some more.

I was caught off guard, when he said he just called this time....to see if I'm married.

Are you married?

I asked. Why do you care if I am? I am very happy now.

As if he wants to demean my happiness, because I'm not married yet. It pissed me off. He wanted to let me know that he is finally having his felony esponged from his record.

"good for you. "

"It is good for me, you know i have been unable to get a real job because of that."

I think he was unable to get a real job because he lacks any non manual labored skill. And he's a drug addict, but whatever.

He wanted to act like what he did wasn't wrong. I reminded him that he broke in my house, and hurt me. He seems to remember it very differently. But the grand jury didn't.

Even though, I may have changed my story, as most abused women do, so he wouldn't go to jail, the state still found him guilty.

And he still calls me.

At first after we broke up I liked it that he called me. It felt good that he thought he messed up with letting me go. I talked to him for a lot of years. I even saw him "casually" a few times.

Of course he messed up, he didn't even deserve me in the first place. I am not that same girl.

I've so moved on. I love me now. I didn't then.

Some good news is that this weekend, that man and woman I mentioned may have come to an agreement. By agreement, I mean that the man also said he would marry the woman....

(They are not engaged.....)

Rain and Snow...

When I get down in the dumper I think about things like how you date someone forever, and they don't want to commit to you ie; live together or discuss marriage, and then they dump you and move in with ..another girl.

Or how you're married and your husband says I just dont love you anymore. And has knocked up another girl. Or how he says "marriage isnt for me" ...and then gets married. To another girl.

As was my facebook status today, when a guy doesn't want to get married, he just doesn't want to marry you.....

It may have happened to me a time or two.

I don't know if I'm projecting or what, but I have a feeling this is going to happen to me again.

Nothing has happened and I'm fabulously happy. As long as I'm happy living apart from the man I love indefinately.

And don't want to get married one day. Perhaps forever. Which I do want.

And as long as it doesn't matter to me that when people ask about our future in front of me he shrugs and says eeeehhhhh.....i dunno.....

I'm ususally a strong unflappable person, but I do have needs, and wants, and from time to time if you read me you'll know this gets to me. There's a reason it keeps coming up.

And...then you blow off your second workout for the day to go home and cry.

Chase Bank Can Suck It....

I've decided that besides selling all my worldly belongings (trying) to have money to survive, I'm going to get rich off of Chase bank. You know how they are screwing the world over? I'm one of them. I'm hoping for a nice class action lawsuit. Did you know that I love to have dreams?



My song and dance is that, (cue violin) I filed bankruptcy in 1999 due to the fact that my ex husband cheated on me (several times) and then abandoned me with all of our bills and a house I hadn't the slightest idea how to take care of. I made $7.25/hr. The past 10 years were spent rebuilding my credit because of that, because soon followed a reposession, a foreclosure, loss of job, and a personal breakdown. Toss in there my 12 year old cat died. It's not easy to rebuild your credit.


The long story would tell you how after my asshole husband, I lived with a few other assholes who treated me like crap until I finally got back on my own. Where I had no cable, free heat, and lived on ramon noodles, and McDonalds hamburgers for a few years, did my laundry in the bathtub, and owed my ass to cash advance.

Then I started a second job.

So, I've struggled. I've been there. A good 10 years was rough, but there were times that were harder than others. Up until almost 2 years ago I worked two jobs. 8am-11pm. Or, when I worked at the police station, I worked 8-5, and then 11-7am. I had no life. I was miserable. I did things like I don't want to struggle again. I didn't pay my taxes because I didn't have the money. I only in the past year got a promotion and raise, and was able to quit my second job and have a "normal" life.

So, that's what scares me about being faced with this tax stuff. I've been there.

On to the weekend. Cookout at the manfriend's tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to see the Akron Aeros in a suite with some school friends, and the manfriend. Free fun rocks!

Sometimes I like to be inspiring...

Sometimes, just for a minute...I think that no one can have everything they want. It's stinkin' thinkin, and I only let it in for a minute and I immediately thank the universe for all the good in my life, and I know I deserve every peice of it. I say out loud "I deserve to be happy". And let it pass.

It's hard to be such a freaking ray of sunshine all the time. No, it's not. But I wanted everyone else to feel better if they aren't.



"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer I love this saying. The more you repeat it out loud, the more sense it makes.



Your perspective changes when you make a conscious choice to do so. In a big way for me, this is relationships. Once I started being honest with myself about what I want and need, I started looking at my current and past relationships and evaluating them with a an outside perspective. Am I really happy? Or, am I simply accepting something less than what I deserve, to make it seem like I'm in control? Because I don't think I can have it all?


Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

This phrase has meant a lot to me on my journey of self discovery. Along with "we do not become what we want, we become what we believe"

You have to truely believe in something for it to manifest. If you want love, make room for it. Don't waste your time on things that are not benefiting you. Get to know yourself. What you like. What you don't like. Try new things. Enjoy your own company. Eventually, you can share yourself with another person. Because you know who you are.

I kept love away by being in shitty relationships. By being fat. Because to me...love hurts. It took me a long time to admit that was what I was doing. I thought I was just having fun, or being carefree. But really, I was pushing the possibility of love out of my life by not loving and respecting myself. Not my body, not my mind. If I pretended I didn't want love, then it was my choice. It wasn't that no one would love me the way I was. I didn't sit around and cry all the time, that's not the unhappy I was. I was an empty unhappy. I had to devote serious time to contemplate that.

Another negative thought I often have ...and turn positive, is "why did I waste so much time being unhappy?" Instanly I follow that with "I had to learn what happiness was". I don't wish away the years I was not happy. It just feels so good right now, to have a heart full of peace, and a quiet mind, that I only wish I had started sooner, and that I can magically give it to everyone who suffers too. It's so simple to be happy. The first step is choosing to be.

It's also no secret that I didn't find my cute manfriend until I started on this path either. We both met on a path of self discovery. I said before I want to hold his hand the rest of the way. We talk a lot about wishing we'd met sooner, and we immediately follow that up with "but you wouldn't have known me" because it's true. We were both different people. I wouldn't have appreciated him, and he, me.

Taking time to reflect on your past, allows you to see why you were led down the path you were. I think this also teaches you how to trust your gut. Usually, there were signs of things to come, that you stuffed away, and ignored. In the end, you can look back and say..."I was right!"

In the end...like attracts like. If you want love, be love. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and someone will come in and share that love with you. Put out what you want to receive. If you are only spouting out negative. Doing negative. Denying yourself what you truley want...that is in fact, what you will get in return. I often say "no one loves me the way I do". (Usually, this is when I'm buying myself jewelry in the employee store at work...and justifying it. But it's true! I can't expect someone to buy me diamonds. I buy me diamonds, and then I'm not disappointed)

Bong! (that's the gong sound)

-----------------
While I'm full of inspiration, I recommend reading "The craggy hole in my heart and the cat who fixed it" by Geneen Roth. She has a humorous/relatable way of finding the you inside that you hide from the world.

The Craggy Hole in My Heart is a tale about the crucible of love. When we deeply enter into relationship with another being-a cat, a dog, a person-we are ultimately saying, "I am willing to go through the grief of being there when you die. Or of leaving you behind when I die." The book, then, is about opening the heart enough to love full-tilt, then losing what you love most and surviving. About coming to terms with what you believe will destroy you. It's about love like the Midtown Tunnel.

I posted an excerpt written by her cat back in 2006, and it still speaks to me. About how you can give a pet, a family member, a man (or woman) a beautiful life and never think to treat yourself that well. Read it here.

The past is past...

After reading this post over at Starting over my wheels started turning. Go read the post I'll wait....

Do people judge you by your past relationships? Do you even want to know about someones past? I think you are curious, but there is such a thing as too much.

I know when I was with my very first boyfriend we had a very codependant relationship. I was insecure, and clingy. I was also 12. I had several relationships until I met the boy I would marry one day...the ex husband. With him, I was a total and complete mess who lost myself in the 7 years we were together through mental and physical abuse, and being cheated on several times.

This continued with several men, until I took time to be alone and decide what I wanted, and who I was. That's taken me about 10 years. And I'm still learning! It always reminds me of the runaway bride, where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts' exes what kind of eggs she liked, and she always liked her eggs how the boys liked theirs. When he asked her what eggs she liked it was completely different. P.S. Did you love the proposal in this movie, or what?? Still makes me cry! Seen it a billion times! P.S. S. If you havn't seen the movie, this is the ending so you may not want to watch.



10 years ago I was married, and I wanted to have a family (yes...kids...ME!). I owned a home, and did yardwork and crafts. I packed my husbands lunches, made dinner each night, and washed his dirty drawers. Today, I couldn't imagine having kids, (no naps???) I can barely remember to pack my own lunch, and I'm constantly doing laundry cus I leave it in the washer too long and it smells musty. I'm not a model wife. But I'm a damn good girlfriend who is happy. Genuinley happy. Progress.


In the 10 years I've been divorced, I've dated a few more people too. And I can say today, I'm nothing like I was with any of those guys. I learned a little each time. Each ended for various reasons; "I'm joining the army", "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" (anyone ever get this one??) "Hey...You're crazy bitch" (remember I said I use to be a little nutty) "I went to Denver for the weekend and decided I'm moving there" (yea, he disappeared, and then moved out) "I'm just not that into him", "Um, if we don't break up one of us is gonna die", "you and your drug problems aren't going to bring me down anymore". (him...not me. My drug problem is I dated people with them)

The common denominator is....We just weren't good matches. But I'm not like I was with any of these guys with my current manfriend. I am myself, the me I know and love, for the first time in any relationship. (this is a big ups to the manfriend, cus he loves me for me...but who wouldn't?)

Knowing the past only causes "what if's" to come up. Sometimes the what if's are what make the if's come true. (that's deep....)

The past makes us who we are today, and today is what is important. I can't think because you use to put your ex girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet, that you'll do it to me. (or...ex boyfriends...heh heh heh...) Living in the moment, is something that is so hard to do, but so fulfilling.

And furthermore...I'd rather not know if you cheated on your girlfriend. If you cheat on me, we have problems. Being someone who has cheated, I know that once a cheater, is not always a cheater, so why is that relevant?

I don't want to know if you had amazing sex with another girl. As far as I'm concerned, I took your virginity. I would rather be ignorant to this aspect, and not think that someone else ever made you melt, or turned you on. Or, bought you underwear. Tell me your Mom bought them.

If you went somewhere you are taking me with someone else, why bring it up? It's only going to make me hope I'm living up to your past experiences. Let me think its your first time.

I don't want to think that you liked holding someone else, kissing them, whispering in their ear, or calling them cute names. I am quite sure these are all experiences we've all had with other people....but what good does my knowing the details do?

Things I find horribly important...

*Reason 235,687 you should help me with my evil plot to slip my manfriend some untraceable homeade rufies, and lock him in my closet...he's a good cook. I mean if the list of things I like about him gets much longer, I might have to start thinking he is a robot created by one of my crazy ex boyfriends as part of their evil plan to steal my soul by sucking me into a happy abyss and then having my manfriend short circuit, leaving me broken hearted.

And, then I'll have to buy a boyfriend pillow. But seriously, I bet if I got one of these, I might be able to sleep in my bed again vs. the couch. Kidding, that's not the part of the manfriend I miss. When they make a spooning manfriend pillow....send me the link.

I swear I don't do drugs.

I want to see the New Kids on the Block at blossom. I think getting drunk on $7 white zinfandel (probably boxed, my favorite) and watching the new kids prance around on stage and do the "oh, oh, oh, oh oh...hangin tough" dance is a killer time! while I scream "donnie i love you!" would be so freaking awesome. The shitty thing is that my friends aren't as cool as me, and no one wants to go. Who wants to adopt me as a friend and take me to New kids? I say take me because obviously, I will need a designated driver. And B) you can't also like donnie. He's mine. Back....off.

Speaking of concerts, and what's mine. Edwin McCain (my future husband) is coming to concert in August. I'm going to take my manfriend, and he will have fun, of course cus it's a killer time. I think it'll be a true testament of his love for me. If he can still love me high on Edwin, then he's totally going to marry me. (don't squash my dreams) You have no idea how hard it is to not buy tickets to this concert until this Friday. I can't use credit. Bad, credit.

Anyone want to adopt me? And by adopt I mean, be my sugar daddy that get's nothing but the satisfaction of calling me his sugar pop? Cus, I'm kinda in love with someone else. Please?

I miss my cable pretty bad. I mean, I don't even have cartoon network. Appartnely, cartoons aren't in gods plan. Because I have god/family tv. Cus its cheap.

Reason 345 I should write a book, someone may deem me god some day when they come across my brilliant writings.And everyone will say what I say is what everyone should do. Kinda like the bible. (unbunch your panties)


Books! I read a book once about a group of girls that murdered a classmate by beating her with a tire iron in the head, stuffing her in the trunk, and setting her on fire. This was during my true crime/Aphrodite Jones phase. The truth is way worse than any fake stuff.

I have to take three cats, single handedly to the vet this weekend at 9 am. On a Saturday? This is blasphemy. I believe in sleeping until at least 11 on a Saturday. Being a single mom is way hard. I don't know how anyone takes human kids anywhere. Especially more than one. I have some serious anxiety over how I'll manage! At least I don't have to dress my cats. Bonus for me. Even though I don't want kids, I think Moms should be sainted or something.

This weekend I watched The Unborn, A Haunting in Connecticut, Bride Wars, The Eschelon Conspiracy (which is a total low budget rip off of Eagle Eye), and Monsters Vs. Aliens. All in my PJ's on a comfy couch with a comfy movie partner. Illegal schmillegal.

*Reason 235,688 would be that I can bribe you with jewelry. Everyone loves diamonds!

Loverly...

We do only see each other two maybe three times a week because of the "distance", but to me, quality wins out over quantity. For him, it was when you have a good thing you want more of it. Who can complain about their manfriend saying that? But then, it never changed. You know, nothing changes if nothing changes. It wont happen on its own, something has to give.

We fell into a routine that first started because I worked two jobs, and I wasnt home until 11pm each night. Then I only worked one job but worked out each day. Then I joined boot camp and my life as I knew it revolved around working out. Now I do my workouts strictly at lunch, and I don't do much of anything at night. (especially now with no good tivo to watch)

So I brought it up to the manfriend that its not easy to see him, because his schedule was such that he didn't get home until 9pm. Guess what, guess what? He changed his schedule! Now he will get off at 6, and we are both excited about how this will help us to see more of each other! Heres to hoping this will make things a little more "normal" for him. He says it's what we need to move forward. When really, its what he needs. Boys have needs too. (I guess)

When I stay with the manfriend, he changes his toilet paper on the roll for me. I like Cottonelle (I'm picky) and he likes Scott's ONE PLY. I might be able to live with some other two ply toilet paper, away from home, but not one ply. Girls have girly parts that like soft things. For a while I was bringing a roll of my own to stash there. Now, he gets me my own TP and actually puts it on the roll when I stay over. He's pretty much the cutest manfriend in the universe.

I mean, personally, this is the most romantic thing anyone has done for me. To me, being romantic is being thoughtful. He's always thoughtful. I'm in love with him. *smile*

Speaking of toilets...I always find it necessary when I'm changing to workout at work and come out of the stall to announce "I just changed my clothes". Because the automatic flush goes off 15 times, and I don't have time to wash my hands for no reason, when I'm in a rush to get the good treadmill. It annoys me that people would take it upon themselves to spread rumors about my non hand washing ways. Why do I care?

I didn't weigh in this morning, because I got up at 7:35. I am spose to be to work at 8, and I live 27 miles away. Whoopsie. I don't feel like I lost anyway.

I want this. Bad. I spend a lot of moolah on club soda (sodium free) cus it makes me feel like I am having a tasty treat aka pop (soda for you southern freaks) only its just water. And, it's yummy when mixed with Cherry vodka. It's on sale at kohls. It will be mine. Oh yes....it will be mine.

As for my TV situation. I have direct tv. I was paying 64/month for 200 channels. And I switched to 34/mo for the Family package, which is the only other cheaper plan. I looked into a local cable company (I'd NEVER go with Time Warner) and they are more expensive too. So, hopefully I can hang with no TV for a while. I have gone to recording a ton of daytime TV talk shows.

Spare Change...

I filed bankruptcy when my life plummeted into a downward spiral long ago. My husband left me. I fell into a deep depression where I wouldnt bathe or wash my hair, or eat. I lost my job. Had my car repoed. House foreclosed. Filed bankruptcy. Like "they" say, it's out of the toughest times that you find out who you really are. But my point is, does anyone know about the 10 year bankruptcy/credit report thing? Cus, I'm 99% sure it's been 10 years here in 2009 and I want that shit off my credit rating.

And am I suppose to write a letter or something? That whole time of my life is a blur. I don't remember much, which may seem silly but I was in a bad way.

This weekend I tried to rescue a cat. It was outside in the woods. Sleeping in an abandoned dog house behind my house under a tree. It cried at me, when I say kitty kitty...I have been feeding it but it runs from me if I get close. I put a warm snuggly blankie in the house and covered the door with a towel to try to keep it warm. It survived the arctic chill, so good deed done. I have successfully rescued this cat as of last night. And she's living in my spare bedroom. On a warm snuggly bed. With food and water. And a potty. And lots of petting, the way cats should live. It's my goal to have manfriend fall in love with it and keep it. He wants a cat so it's not evil of me.












she's just a little thing, and super friendly!
















So, last Thursday coworker turned in her 2 week notice. You know, the one that started the fight with new girl. I have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I don't like change. Secondly, and more selfishlyI don't know if I'm going to have to do her freaking job forever, or if they will move someone into my department. I should know by Thursday at the latest.

Coworker's last day is at month end. When I'm busiest, and they are busiest. And also, right before all of our district managers come to the office for a week and we have a billion meetings to prepare for. And reviews to compile. And a major project for the travel department that is due. Awesome.

I can't blame her, in her position you don't make squat for money, nor can you really think for yourself or make any changes to anything. Until my promotion I was also actively looking for other employment too. I can't blame her....but most importantly....what about me?



We also adopted 4 plants together, coworker and me. At work, in an effort to save money, they got rid of the plant people. And we were asked to adopt plants to care for so we can still have them. Now, I'm a single mother. I don't want to water all those plants doing the work of a billion people.

In my positive thinking way....I have found the good part of it all. I'm going to be so busy at work in February, that before I know it, it will be March. And that means, St. Patrick's day and green beer, and merriment. What else does it mean? Spring is right around the corner!

Pee. Ess: Don't forget to comment if you want to win a fabulous mystery package that won't blow up or anything. Seriously.