My Compassionate Heart....

Tuesday, on my normal route to work thru the city, I came upon some slowed traffic. The closer I got, I saw what at first appeared to be smoke billowing around an SUV, I thought someone's radiator must've blown. When I crept closer, I saw it was not smoke.

It was fur.

Someone struck a deer. Not the norm on the city streets at all. I only saw the horrible image for about 2.2 seconds, as the doe struggled to get up, only to fall again, frantically trying to find safety, but obviously not going to live.

I immediately shielded my line of vision with my hand, so I could pass by, and just as instantly, out of nowhere...I started to sob. I have never seen a hurt animal in the flesh, intentional or otherwise. Especially now living in the city.

And I couldn't stop crying. My heart ached for that deer.When I got to my desk. I kept sobbing.

When the girls came to talk to me and saw I was upset, I felt a bit stupid saying I was fine, and telling them what had happened. But I can't apologize for being me. I was really shaken.

Yes, it was "just a deer". One of millions that are hit by cars, or shot by hunters on a daily basis. But to me, it was much more than that, it was a wounded soul. I thought about it all night. When I went to sleep, I prayed to the universe for peace from the image of the deer, so that I could put it to rest.

Then, this morning I woke up early to let out the dog. And I saw the most beautiful sight!

Look who chose my backyard to take a rest in! A beautiful deer!

I believe in the universe, and karma, and how everything happens for a reason. I knew deep down, that this wasn't random. It was an answer to my prayer. This deer was there to make my heart feel better.

I left home feeling a sense of peace, and rightness in the world!

And I had the best day! 

New Year...

It's a whole brand new year! I spent my New Years Eve far different than any other in the past.

Which was fitting, because I ended the year as a whole new me. Certainly physically, but also, mentally.

I went for a run. And, as usual, took in the beautiful scenery, appreciated my time to process my thoughts, and smiled at the deer eating on the trails. Finding the beauty in nature is something that calms me and brings me back to my center, each time. My meditation..



My menu was rotisserie chicken, a few saurkraut balls, and dawali. Washed down with pink moscato champagne. (which I hope to find throughout the year, as it is quite delicious) Far different from New Years past, where I ate whatever was available, because...it was.




I rang in the new year with my pets. I thought not having plans and being "the only single girl in the crowd" would be depressing. But that was the old me. I am my own best company. I really enjoyed cooking for myself, having my favorite drinks, watching my redbox movies, (omg, Warrior was a suprisingly touching movie!!) and not having to worry about driving. (Plus I had an 8 am appt with the internet guy to fix my DSL on NY day....)

I rang in my new year kissing my best man ever, my Mr. Magoodle.

I don't like to make "resolutions" but, I do vow to continue on my path of self improvement. Both mental, and physical. I set goals for myself every day and I often surpass them. It's way more fulfilling to me this way.

I may have suffered "the great heart break" in 2011, but as I often say, I learned so much from it, and I have set my bar high. I know how I want to feel when I am with someone again, and if not for experiencing all I did with exmanfriend, I wouldn't know it was possible to be so happy.

This girl, knows she is a prize, and she is done with settling.

"Doing Me" has turned out to be the best decision I have made this past year. Being "alone" isn't really alone when you love yourself. You find your own interests, and things you enjoy doing by yourself. The icing on the cake is having amazing friends and family to fill in the holes you sometimes need to jump over.

When I meet the future Mr. Me, he is going to be extra in love with me for getting all my little shit together, to combine with getting my big shit together. I'm not in a rush, because I have actually found my self worth in 2011. And that makes for setting your standards...way high for a partner.

I hope 2012 brings you all that you dream of. Because, everyone, deserves their dreams to be reality.

Christmas Wishes...

I still believe in Santa. To me it is just in the form of the great and powerful universe. (or God, if that's your thing) And it is with us year round.

So, no matter your age, still make your wishes, believe your dreams, and don't settle for anything less than what your true heart desires.

I remember a time like that. When I was a kid. I think most of us can remember being footloose and fancyfree, as children. Before we knew any different than to care what people thought. When your favorite popsicle flavor made your week, not because it was a popular choice, right, or wrong, or because your friends chose it, but because it was what you really wanted.

Time sometimes makes us lose sight of these things.

My goal this year is to be more in tune with my inner self.

I want to appreciate all that I have brought into my life, intentional, or not, because I have learned from each and every choice I have made.

I want my heart to smile, so the rest of me can follow suit. I want my choices to be mine.

Whether this is a ridiculously expensive coffee maker, new shoes...a cell phone you don't think you can afford, a new puppy, or love....I hope everyone gets what they most desire this this year, not because it is right or wrong, because you want it.

"So in your Christmas prayers this year Alfie asked me to ask you to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood, and those that live there too..."

This video from the Muppets Christmas (John Denver) is by far my favorite childhood Christmas story and sums up my post perfectly.

..Alfie the Christmas tree...

Miss Self-Sufficient...Keep Your Distance...

I was in dress barn, utilizing my birthday discount (I'll be 35 again soon doncha know..) where I uttered these words to the sales lady in a totally serious manner...

"Yes, I'm looking for a cute holiday top, for pictures with Santa this weekend. So far, I think my dog is either wearing a red sweater, or a reindeer costume." She didn't even bat an eyelash, and we got a super cute top! Black, and sparkly, it'll match whatever we find Magoo!

What's more, Mr. Magoo and I both have hair appointments on Saturday, for said holiday photo. Score!

See, I don't need a romantic interest to be happy. I am a happy person with a tiny obsession with my dog.

Is this normal? Probably not!

I simply won't settle for less than the (as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently stated) "zsa zsa zu" and until that crosses my path....

I have lots of interests to take up my time, a core to strengthen, 13.1 miles to achieve, muscles to build, and friends, and family to enjoy laughs with!

I have a very blessed existence partly because I can recognize that I do.

Backslide...

So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

Nice Guys Always Finish Last...

I dunno that I believe in the saying "Nice guys finish last". I also don't believe that when we die we all float into the clouds and meet up with family members, but don't get me started on all of that mess.

I don't know what it is that makes a woman question her own sanity, because a "nice guy" is into her, and she isn't into him. I don't think it has anything to do with being nice. Or, needing drama in one's life. (which, some people do, "hello, my entire 20's.....? anyone?!")

By a woman, I mean me. Yes, I have a nice guy who really likes me a whole lot, and puts a lot of effort into seeing me, and wants to take me out and spend time with me, but I'm just not that into him.

I don't know why. And I don't know that I have to know why? Do I? I'm just not! And I am leaning towards that being enough. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling.

I keep thinking, oh its going to just come along, I'm going to realize that, and he's going to blow my mind some day. I'll realize that he's good for me. But, I don't think I'm the kind of girl who wants to settle for "he's good for you". I mean, I still have all my teeth, my looks, and good health. I think that's the sort of thing you settle for when you are pushing around an oxygen tank, looking for someone to change your diapers.

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they settle. They lie to themselves. They let other people decide what they want. They sell themselves short. Deny what is deep in their hearts. Take what they have, and try to believe its all they want. Or, foolishly believe that by not falling in love, they are not getting hurt.

For me, love may still be in the form of exassholemanfriend, but ultimately I want the kind of love I felt when we were together. I still have no idea if this means him, or if I am holding on to these hopes because I want to feel like that again.

Having had that, makes me want to strive for it that much more. And makes me even less excited to spend time with someone I only like in a friendly way. I know what I want, so why waste my time?

I want the electricity. The butterflies. The passion. The giddieness. The sillyness. The closeness. The feeling that everything will be ok. Feeling like in that persons arms is where you belong, and the feeling of contentment that comes with it, still brings tears to my eyes.

I'm not afraid to put my heart out there. Because despite how much it hurt to fall so far from that high, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, to feel those feelings with someone again. I'm a hopeless romantic.

I think we all can have what we really want. If we just dare to believe, that we can.

*Hello, universe, take the hint, and bring me my future Mr. Me.

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

One, two, oh, about seven or so bottles of wine on the wall..

Firstly, I so deserved a girls night on Saturday. I had a really nice date on Friday with TDH, which kicked off my weekend of drinking and eating things I had broken up with for many months. (subsequently I remembered why we broke up and we wont be getting back together any time soon, I felt like crap and it wasn't the wine *professional wino here*)

I fired my very first employee on Friday. Despite all the trouble she had caused, and her "secretive" plan to get me fired, (yes, a new person) I still felt horrible. I didn't eat for two days, and crapped water non stop. My ass hurt. (TMI? I'm honest....) I couldn't even work out because of nutrition. I'd have likely passed out, or...shit my pants. Neither of which sounds pleasant!

I'm a nice person. And she.....was not. It's a good story but due to my fear of getting canned over social media, I wont blog it. In short, she violated company policy more than once. With warning.

Now, some photos!


Here's some of the cheese, and my stock pot wine bucket. We had 7 bottles of wine between us, two of which were the giant bottles. I also made Paula Deen's crock pot mac and cheese which was so freaking delicious I wanted to hide it away from the girls and finish it off myself! What the hell was I doing in this photo? I don't freaking know......Perhaps it was when one girl broke my easy wine opener, and I realized I then had to use the kind they use in restaurants, which are damn near impossible to operate. Especially drunk.

You can see that I put to good use my last several weeks of work night drinking (due to the aforementioned firing) and used my old wine bottles for vases.

The idea was to bring your favorite wine and try new things. But it turns out we all like Moscato, and Wolf Creek Wineries White Lies. I also got a reisling, and white catawba which some people hadn't tried.


My friend Stephanie gave me this awesome buddha-glass. Yes, I consider myself a Buddhist. I don't know many Christians that would drink wine out of a Jesus glass with a penis straw (left over from a bachelorette party)...it's probably sacreligious or something for both parties and I kinda felt bad once I sobered up.

Obviously by the look on my face, I'd had enough wine to justify this seeming like a great idea. I almost look crazy. In my defense the balls had later sprung a leak and I switched to a regular old silly straw. Does that make it better to consume alcohol out of a religious figure? It seemed that way.


And this is the group shot we used the auto feature on the camera for, and it took us about 15 tries to get a couple good ones. We were all laughing too much and not paying attention. I spent a lot of the night doing walking lunges because I was reminded by seeing the other girls, that I really don't have an ass anymore.

Are women ever really happy?

All in all it was a great night. It felt good to let loose with the ladies, laugh, act silly, drink lots of wine, and learn that yes....there is such a thing as too much cheese. (I never thought it possible!)

I can't wait until the next time!

Life...

I had a particularly trying day at work today, being the boss sometimes takes a toll on you. You spend your time taking on everyone else's problems, and its easy to get caught up in what they are thinking and feeling.

Mr. Magoo gave me a lesson in Zen tonight. With all his past struggles in life, he is perfectly content to lay on my couch, totally unaware of what happened to him in the past.

He is living in the moment, safe, and secure, as we all should be.

In this moment, he his healthy, and safe, and loved in his home.

And, so am I.

Walking on Sunshine...

So tonight was my 8 week weigh in. My goal for May 31st was to lose 30lbs. After I started adding workouts to my boot camp commitments, I decided that 8 weeks was a better goal.

I am only 1lb short of that goal. So to me, I made it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost 29 lbs in 8 weeks, which means I averaged 4lbs/week.

That is 15lbs a month. (I even amaze myself!)

Done with hella hard workouts, (two a days 5 days a week) buckets of sweat, a score of dry heaves (which I have not had in the past couple weeks!) lots of hot spa baths, not giving into cravings, dedication, eating right, and eating ENOUGH and being stress free!

Having achieved this goal for me, has given me an indescribable sense of pride, and accomplishment!

Now, for the next 30lbs!

And if the world ends tomorrow, (which I do not believe in one bit) at least I'll go feeling on top of the world. With no regrets in any aspect of my life, and ready to come back to my cushy life as a fat pampered house cat, as reincarnation is my belief as a Buddhist .

Me-ow!

P.S. My latest "guilty" pleasure, is mashed cauliflower. Everyone says how it is a great alternative for mashed potatoes, and I concur!

1 head of cauliflower steamed
2 cloves garlic
1 sweet onion
1/4c spray butter (no calories)

Puree in the food processer until creamy and delicious! It's so filling, and you can season it so many ways!

Obligatory weight update..

Today at work I sported a fitted T-shirt, and a size smaller jeans. I got a lot of comments on my weight loss. The pounds aren't astronomical, but I am definatly shrinking, and my old clothes just don't fit, at all. It was a sort of "coming out" for me. I felt amazing!

I love having a waist, muscles, and a pep in my step!

So far, I'm down 24lbs in 6 weeks after my official weigh in tonight.

A mere 16lbs to goal!!!! I'm over half way there! After that, I'm aiming for a size, not number, so whatever happens, happens.

I will say, that I can't wait until I am on maintenance, and I am not doing double workouts each day. Two showers a day, two make up applications, two blow dries, two flat irons, two workout outfits to wash, it's all a hassle. (the second wouldn't be so necessary if I didn't have a super duper crush on a security guard that patrols my area at the office....swoon.)

Tonight after bootcamp, I didn't want to shower and primp AGAIN before shopping, so I just spritzed some of my dog's powder fresh cologne in my hair and blew it dry. Classy!!! Don't knock it til you've tried it!! (and I have Jonathon Anton's "redo" spray, it has nothing on my dog's spray!)

I started weight training two weeks ago (P90X, and Jillians 30 day shred) a few days a week, so my weigh ins have gone from 6lbs a week to 2, and then 3 the past two weeks.

I was disappointed at first, until I reminded myself, that to lose 3lbs, I had to burn off 10,500 calories in 5 days to achieve it. And then I kinda feel bad-ass instead!

Tonight I was told to eat MORE. How awesome is that? I'm doing 10 workouts in 5 days, so I need to up my calorie intake in the form of another small meal. Never in a billion years did I think what I am eating now, would ever fill me up or sustain me, but it really does.

Just like everything in life, weight loss is a mind game. Happiness, success, you name it. If you get your mind to believe you can achieve it, the rest just falls into place.

I continue to feel the happiest I have ever felt, and believe the universe knows what is in store for me, so I don't stress.

Whenever anything is meant to happen, it will happen. And I my friends, am open, and ready!!

Tomorrow? An eleventh workout for the week, a four mile run with my girlfriend...as I plan on imbibing some delicious, sweet, ever-friendly wine in celebration of being the best me I can be!!

Bizzee...

Jenkies, I've been hella busy. My work days are flying by. I have been doing 10 workouts a week in addition, and it seems like before I know it, it's going to be fall!

The good news about all of this is, I am down 20lbs in my first month, and well on my way to my 40lb goal! I can hardly believe how fast it is coming off, but I guess when you put in the effort you have to see results. I am really kicking some serious ass.

The good part is my clothes are falling off of me. That's also the bad part. With the cost of bootcamp, and healthy eating, I don't have much left for a new wardrobe, and havn't yet decided what to do about it. I have some smaller clothes I have been filling in with, but that wont get me through the summer.

I want to wait until goal to buy lots of stuff!

I also started P90X on my "off day" from bootcamp.

I survived Easter with having about a cup of mashed potatos, and a small 1/4" sliver of white cake as my only cheat, and no candy. It really is all in the mind. Once you master your mind, it's not so hard to resist foods. It seemed so impossible for years. I always had the workouts down, but not the food.

I'm interviewing for a new secretary, doing three jobs in the process, and possibly getting a new boss which may have its good and bad points. It will help develop me as a manager, but theres potential for conflict.

So, I'm just doing me right now. I'm finding time to attend meditation, and tan in between my busy workout schedule, take the dog to the park, and visit friends and family, and I look forward to redbox movies and a (me size) glass of wine on the weekend with the dog and cats. I am content.

I'm making myself a priority. And I must say, it feels absolutely fantastic! I've never been happier! It feels amazing to accomplish goals I've set for myself, and really change my life even more for the better.

And, I have a crush on someone at work. I know, right? It's innocent enough, it makes for lots of laughs if nothing else.

Wounded...

You know that crappy saying people think helps you get over someone when your heart is wrenched out of your chest? "Time heals all wounds". What. Ever. Time doesn't heal anything. Not even a yeast infection.

I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.

I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?

I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.

Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.

And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.

You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.

And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.

I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.

I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.

I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.

If theres one thing I'm good at, it's getting dumped!..

Yes, yes. I got dumped again. I really am starting to get a complex. Sort of. I mean, honestly, I cried a little bit about it, but mostly, my heart wasn't in it anyway. And he was looking for a reason to stay with me and I couldn't really give him one.

What happened this time. Well "it's not you its me" would probably fit here. The guys been single for like 5 years and he just wasn't ready. When he mentioned that he didn't feel "100%" that things would work out w/us, asked what I thought...and I said "I just spent the last three years with a guy who wasn't sure he was ready, and we had a good relationship, we were in love...I can't do it again".

Furthermore, new guy said we had too much sex. Um. firstively, this isn't the first time I've heard this from a man, but it never ceases to shock the shit out of me. Secondly, I really don't remember having to force myself on him thankyouverymuch.

He admitted, nothing may ever feel 100% to him, and thats on him, I'm an awesome girl and he likes hanging out with me and we have a lot of fun, blah. bliddy blah blah.

When you give up the universe will bring you love, right? I dunno, but I give up. Not on finding love, but that love will find me, and I'm not going out of my way to find it.

And suddently..it's serious...

Wednesday I attended the open house, and meditation for the Shambhala group, and bought a book to read on that particular type of buddhism, and I will definatley be back to learn more.

After that .....I met up with the new guy.

I told him all about my night at the center, and he said he'd never judge me for my beliefs and was open to listening to me, and it spiraled a huge discussion about religion, which turns out we are both passionate about different things, but not in an over the top I'm right kind of way, which is awesome. During which, we laughed, and were serious, and laughed, and kissed.

My favorite thing about a person, is the ability to make me laugh, and make me think all at once.

It then sparked a conversation all about how he hasnt had a girlfriend in 5 years, and it isn't because he isn't a catch, but because he hasn't found a girl worth dating. No one he is interested in talking to, or able to hold a conversation. He thinks theres a reason we've been in each others lives the last 4 years and have tried "dating", and I agreed.

So, I came out and asked if he was seeing anyone, I'm not, should I take down my online profile, yes, you should. (I wouldn't want to be a ((insert exassholemanfriends last name here)) and actively peruse my profile while I'm dating someone)

And just like that...it got serious. And exclusive. And honestly, I couldn't be happier. We both like the direction its going, and the pace, which is slow.

Everyone else in our lives thinks this is it for us, and have been telling us that all along. But our timing was always off. One of us wasn't ready when the other one was. At first, neither of us even wanted to be ready, it was strictly a FWB type deal.

This time, we both are.

I hairdryed his pants someone spilled a drink on at a party last weekend, and he mentioned to me during our talk how awesome that was for me to do. Awesome? That's nothing. This boy is gonna fall head over heels for me, cus I'm one hell of a girlfriend!

I bet it's kinda like that Survivor song, the search is over, love was right before my eyes....

How's that for taking it slow?

The Universe According to Me...

Long ago, I was lost. I wasn't who I am today, and I wasn't happy. Once I started on a path of self improvement, positive thinking, the law of attraction, and buddhism, things all changed for me.

Maybe we all just need something to believe in?

I really believe the mind is the source of all of our trouble, joy, and sadness. The one thought that opened me up to the power of the mind was of course, Wayne Dyer (whom I heart as a spiritual teacher) talking about memories. How powerful a memory can be that it makes you laugh, or cry years later, or makes you feel attached to a moment. Memories are nothing more than thoughts, yet they evoke those emotions.

Think about it. So is love. You can't hold love. It's a feeling, a thought, and is quite powerful.

So, bad thoughts have just as much power, this started me on my path towards positive thinking. Why waste time on negative thoughts? For the most part, I do well with this. I'm always complimented at work on my upbeat, positive outlook, and my ability to motivate others. I love that about myself.

But since the dumping, something has been missing. The love I felt for exmanfriend hasn't been replaced with love for anything else. And while I've always read about improving, I've always been alone on the journey.

Once I took a group meditation in Virginia, and it was the most amazing experience (almost orgasmic...true story) of my life.

Monday I was upset, and crying to the universe, that I am ready to let "this" (the exmanfriend bs) go, and I am open to love. I am ready to move on and put it behind me. I couldn't sleep, so I repeated these things over, and over as a mantra.

The next morning the first thing I googled was Akron Buddhism. And I found a local center close to my house, where I will be attending an orientation tonight.

And thus begins my new spiritual path with Shambhala buddhism, and Shambhala training.

Exmanfriend and I shared this interest, and read about it extensively, but we never followed up with it. He's a good bullshitter, and talker. I'm a doer, and I guess in a way I let him stifel that in me.

This is something that can come out of the wreckage of the break up. I can find my spirituality, and inner peace, and like minded people.

Without him.

Free Bird...

Something I havn't talked about in a long time is that I'm actually a certified Reiki Practitioner. I was attuned around 3 years ago. I've only practiced on exmanfriend, and my dog, who dislikes it, and wont allow me to do it.

It's something that I lost track of, and as of late, have been talking with the person who attuned me about spiritual healing. When I meditate, I picture myself in white light. When you do reiki, you have to visualize the white light coming through your hands and into the person, and you have to have nothing but love in your intentions. With all the negativity in my brain, I can't even surround myself with light. He asked if I'd tried to heal myself. I told him that seemed impossible at this point.

I feel broken, so he put me in contact with a spiritual healer. I am thinking seriously about meeting with her, so I can get back to my old, positive self. I would love to practice reiki, and put it to good use. And let go of the negativity that I'm letting consume me.

In other news, I have works travel department working on booking me a flight to see my sister in Virginia Beach in August. I need to get away, and if I wait until I can "afford" it, I'll never go. A trip is just what I need.

Like most things, I've been avoiding it, because in order to leave town, I will have to put my 14 year old dog to sleep, and I've been in denial about it for a long time. It's to the point where I'm embaressed to even take her to put her down because she looks so bad, and I don't know how they will even find a vein to do so.

Im OK You're OK...

Have you ever wanted to bash someones head in? I guess I don't take rejection very well at all. I mean, perhaps if I were a total bitch and treated people like crap I could say...well, maybe I deserved that for being a turd of a human being.

But, I'm spectacular.

I think its bad when one, you dont sleep for 2 weeks, and two, you start dreaming about chopping someones head off. All. The. Time.

It's gotten so bad, that I took it as a sign when I woke up this morning and the Dalai Lama was on the Today Show talking about happiness. I need to let it go. I've been holding on to anger, to keep from having a melt down. But the anger is causing me much more strife than sadness ever did.

Yes, I was happy. We were happy. What I will take from all of this is that I can have everything I want in a person. I had always settled before, this time, I was crazy in love, and would do anything for him, of my own free will. I was the girl I always wished I could be. I know I can be, and I can have everything, and that's what I take from it.

I havn't been ready to meet my Mr. Right yet, I had more to learn. But I believe I'm getting there!

I can't worry that he is going to date other girls, and eventually, blame them when he can't stay faithful, or happy because he has nothing in his life for himself. He has no direction. When he can't blame distance on a relationship not working, maybe he will finally start looking inside himself. But I doubt it. It's easier to blame others. I spent many...many years there myself.

Me? I'll be ok. I cry. I laugh. I daydream about kicking him in the nads. I'm confused, I'm disgusted. I hate the whole trying to date thing. But this is the life I've been given and I have no choice but to live it, and make the best of it, or be miserable. I'm not a miserable person.

But what I do know for sure (Oprah moment) is that if I came so close to having everything I wanted, the next step can't possibly be a bad one. I'm carrying on being the same girl I love, the silly, sunny, optimistic one that no one can change.

I wont look back with regret. I didn't hurt that boy, he hurt me. And I am strong enough to start letting it go. So, I don't take it into the next relationship. I wouldn't want to be a "insert assholes last name here". (thats my new catch phrase for people who lead you on, or bring their baggage into a realtionship, or are crazy in general. It makes me feel better. Shut up)

In the city they like Jesus....

(i have no idea what happened to my template btw)

I'm still getting use to city living. No one ever came over to my house uninvited in the country, except maybe my neighbor from time to time.



Now, I have annoying neighbor kids, crackheads, and the latest..
"jesus freaks"*.



I mean, to each his own, if you love jesus, good for you! You gotta believe in something, and it isn't like I'm some god hater, I just have my own spiritual beliefs.



You know my ones that include practicing my own way, and don't include knocking on people's door at 9 am on a Sunday. Or, when I don't answer, coming back at 11 a.m. And then again at 2. he last time finally manfriend was up, and I asked him to answer it. But they had moved on to save someone else.



They were nice enough to leave me a card saying that Jesus loved me.



Maybe I should tell them about the crackhead who likes to pee in the church yard in broad daylight across from my house. I think they should spend their time saving him instead of me. I wonder if this has to do with the fact that I have this on the back of my car. Or this. Or this?



The only thing I dislike about "jesus freaks*" , is they don't have much tolerance for any other beliefs.

I've decided to make my own pamphlet about buddhism. And when they come back, we'll swap information. Actually, I look forward to this!

*this is not the same as being a run of the mill christian

I made a brochure. I included info on christianity vs. buddhism. You know, like how buddha doesn't threaten you with hell and whatnot. That outta burn em.

Crack Is Wack...

This morning, a lady tapped on my window while I warmed up my car in my own driveway. She had silver duct tape on her mouth and motioned to me that she wanted my cigarette. I said "sorry last one" and rolled the window up. She removed the duct tape and said Please im desperate.

I backed out and left. I kept saying I have to go to work. Then I kept picturing the gypsy curse from "Drag Me to Hell". I don't think crack whores have gypsy demon powers though. Then I thought, what if it was Jesus testing my generosity. Then I remembered, I don't really believe in all that religion stuff. And if I thought there was a Jesus, he certainly wouldn't be asking for cigarettes. right? Your body is your temple or something? Seriously. Drugs make you a total fucking moron.

As illustrated by several of my ex boyfriends.

I msgd back and forth last night w/notsomuchamanfriend. We established a lot of things, except what he avoided was, my asking about the elephant in the room...what made him have an interest in someone else in the first place. All the breaking up may have been a mistake (duh) but what about the mistake of someone else? How bout that?

You know, ending a relationship with me for her? Remember? Hello? Cooking dinner for said skank, and not even taking me out for a drink anymore cus you had no money and I was understanding of your job-less state? Becaue you know, I love you, but she gets dinner?

So I told him today that until hes ready to have an honest conversation about it, theres nothing else to say. I don't know that it would help. But you have to be honest, right?

The new guy finally called me last night just to chat. Which was nice. But hes not the ex. And we've been thru all of that already. I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep thinking that people tell him to call me because he knows people I know. And it seems like whenever I'm fed up with not hearing from him he'll call. We have voice communication from time to time. Imagine that. He makes me laugh.

I really dont know what I'm doing. Did I mention that at all?

So.. I drank wine. I found the yummy wine that me and notsomuchamanfriend couldn't find together after looking and looking, that we had at a restaurant w/his parents. And I drank myself asleep.

Because, why does everything have to be about him? Every song. Every TV Show. Every movie. Every store. Every word. Every-THING.

I've been trying to think away thoughts about him, but I'm reading Understanding our mind by Tich naht hahn (also recommended by said notsomuchamanfriend. Every THING.) and it says you can't do that. You have to feel everything or it will always consume you.

I hate this.

I wish he would try harder to win me back. But maybe he'll make it easier to move on by not doing so. Why wouldn't he come see me? Or I dunno...call me on the phone? Write me a letter? Sing me a song? STAND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE AND PLAY IN YOUR EYES BY PETER GABRIEL ON YOUR 80'S BOOMBOX?? (of course, he might get accosted by the crackhead lady asking for smokes..)

He needs to make an effort, and prove he is sorry and that he wants more. Otherwise he's wasting my time, and preventing me from moving on. And being selfish! And I don't need any of that.

In the meantime I made a nice meditation area at home. I put my buddha head, and candles, and my living wisdom w/the Dalai Lama study cards there, and hooked up my mp3 player w/my speakers to play meditations. I get a card out and think on it each day. And it helps me a bit, at least for a few minutes I clear my head.

This week has been patience. Yea. Imagine that.

Time. Time. Time....