Get a Friggin' Job, Assholes!

I don't live in the best neighborhood. But, that is why I am able to afford such a large, beautiful, affordable duplex, that accepts my 5 pets at no extra cost, a mere 6 miles from work!

Latley, the crime around here, is ridiculous! Shootings, muggings, local restaurants, and fast food chains being held up for stupid amounts of money (often less than $100) And even a bank was held up in the past two months.

This all hit too close to home when acquantences that live about 6 blocks away had their house burglarized between 9 and 11 am this week. Some assholes kicked down their back door, and took their gaming systems, TV, jewelry. Turns out, their entire block was victem to these "pillow case" bandits.

Yes, times are hard. Jobs may be scarce, but that does not entitle any one person to steal from their fellow man! You struggle, and work hard like most honest people on this earth seem to do!

I don't have a lot, but what I do have, took me my entire adult life to acquire. I had to work two jobs for over 4 years to get out of a debt hole, and regain financial stability. I didn't enjoy it. But it never crossed my mind to rob an innocent, hard-working person, or a business to get myself out of debt.

I think it's disgusting that some thugs feel they are entitled to what you have, just because they are too lazy to work hard for it. Or, because they chose to dabble in drugs, and now have an addiction that they cannot support.

After being a renter for many years, I finally broke down and got insurance. I can no longer live inside my fantasy world where everyone respects each other, and minds their own business.  I'm now living under the assumption that "people are assholes".

Putting the "Ass" in "Assisting"...A.K.A...Being A Good Boss...

I have had a long and sordid career in the business of assisting. I didn't go to college, so, I have depended on my high school vocational training (Office Systems Specialist!) to get my foot in the door, and then relied on my amazing work ethic, and willingness to learn, to take it from there.

After lots of mediocre jobs...I finally landed a really low-paying job as a secretary (not even an Administrative Assistant) at a ginormous company, assisting 4 Vice Presidents, at about half the pay of being a marketing assistant to ONE person, at my previous job. (while also working a night job doing data entry to make ends meet)

Luckily, I had an awesome boss and mentor at the time, and my ability to learn, and grow, work two jobs and still be "present", and train new employees got me a promotion in a little over a year, which doubled my salary, (this took me from "hourly" to "salary") and allowed me to quit the second job (when she told me my new salary, I cried, and said I was turning in my 2 week notice that the night at the second job) and now I supervise all the assistants to the Vice Presidents at my company.

I also take on the added role of assisting one of the executives when his assistant is out. Now, I am doing this for FOUR weeks. And I love it! I love being busy, doing my regular work, and still developing my employees. 

What I am most proud of, in all of this, is that I haven't forgotten where I started, and I love to learn and understand everything myself, before I pass it off on one of the Secretaries to do. I fill in for them in their absence, so when they come back they are not overwhelmed, and their VP's have no lapse in "service" while they are out.

This has gained me the respect, and appreciation of those that I supervise, and those that they support.

I believe that a good boss knows the job that they are supervising, and everything that goes into it! Not just how to delegate, and manage.

There is nothing like receiving countless thank you cards, and appreciative emails from the people that work for you. I love those moments when one of the girls tells me they are so thankful to have me as a boss, and that they love working for me.

I wish more "bosses" took such an active interest in what their employee's do on a day to day basis. In my opinion, this is the way you manage.

It keeps you connected, and appreciative of all the hard work your employees do.

Good things and Good People...(namely ME)

I had mentioned before how things at the job were changing. The new boss thing went through. No one really can stand this person, I told this persons boss, who asked me before making the change, that I can get along with anyone. And, I really can. I'm easy going, go with the flow.

Let's hope I don't eat my words. But the reason behind it was selfish...my development as a manager with the company will be more attended to with the new boss.


But this isn't about stuffy old work stuff.

I met with my old boss who first, who told me that my merit increase went through. Which, you know, 3% is always nice to see each year. But on top of that? The company decided to re-evaluated my salary, and that I needed an adjustment. So, ummmmm, someone ended up getting a 7.5% raise!!!!!! (ME!!) (this also means my BONUS next year will be even MORE!!!)

I was completely caught off guard. I mean, when I was promoted from a lowely secretary, I couldn't believe the raise they gave me, which doubled my salary at the time and enabled me to quit working two jobs.

Now? All I have to say is that I am sure glad my job at my last company was eliminated after 7 faithful years, which led me to the current employer. And that I didn't waste tens of thousands on college, and instead went to vocational school to learn my office-ly talents, was taught a good work ethic from my parents, and am just plain awesome.

Oh, and I'm also glad that I get a bad-ass discount on jewelry, because in celebration of my new found wealth, I am trading in my 1/3ct princess cut earrings, for 1/2ct! HALVES! I can hardly stand it! Before you know it I'll be on my way to full carats!

Ok, so I'm also being responsible and putting the entire raise automatically into a savings account, so that I can buy new furniture, and save for my very own house, since I seem to be getting along just fine without it.

I can hardly believe how fantastic things are going, just because I believed they would! It's kinda my reward for being jerked around the past few years. I'll take it!

P.S. Officially only two sizes from REAL goal size. I am into my "I'll live with it" size. But I'm not settling!

I think I'm going to get my run on while listening to this song today. Oh yea.

I like to Rumba...

And, ChaCha!

I took on a new work from home job, as, I have said I'm going thru some stuff, so I have plenty of time on my hands. I'm not goin anywhere for a while, so instead of a snickers, I grabbed another gig!

If you think you may be interested in working from home, with no committment to how many hours, or when you work, for 100% free, look into being a ChaCha Guide.

It's super fun, and really interesting. It's similar to google sms (if you've ever used that) for ChaCha you text your question to 242242. The questions are always entertaining!

If you sign up, use me as a referral pleeeeease! monlink@yahoo.com

Happy ChaCha-ing!!

And Just Like That...

I'm done with my new job. When they called me they said it was for a specific project my guess was, this was to let me know what the job payed. Mind you its been about two years since I worked there, and I didn't remember. I also didn't think to ask, because I'd always made between 10-19 an hour averaged out.

I spent my first night working, typing my fingers off, almost up to my full capacity of typing speed, and I made 9 bucks in 4 hours.

This is fabulous for someone else, but not for me after working 9 hours.

It's hardly worth my time.

So, I'm cashing in my stock savings plan at work next month. I'll also get an extra 80 a month in my check as my employee account will be paid off. (no more buying jewelery boo hoo) And my friends uncle will fix my car for cost.

Maybe the second job came along to remind me how lucky I am to not HAVE to work it, and to be more thankful, and SAVE money.

I got home from working two jobs, to the lady across the street who I call "duct tape lady" cus...she wears duct tape on her mouth, obviously, begging passers by for money or cigarettes.

I also had an offer from the new guy to massage my fingers for me. He can be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll keep him.

Maybe jobs aren't like exes....

I don't know that I really have been up to anything exciting. Other than the bachelorette party for the wedding I'm in come September 18th. And, you know those are top secret. We had a lot of laughs, lots of drinks, tons of dancing, and ended the night at my new favorite place, the gay bar near my house.

The gay bar is awesome cus its swanky, they play awesome music, and you can dance with anyone on the dance floor and not get dirty looks, or drinks spilled on you. It's like a happy family. If I didn't love boys so much, I'd be gay too.

What else is super awesome in my life is that my a/c compressor is going in my stratus. While you may say good thing its winter, unfortunatly the belt that spins on that part also runs my power steering so even though a friends uncle disconnected the compressor, it still "free spins" and makes noise, and eventually it will seize up and I'll lose power steering.

This means I have to fix it. This also means, that starting tomorrow I'm working my old second job again. I'm hoping that going back to old jobs isn't bad like a stupid ex boyfriend.

pause for disgust.....

What's different this time, is I don't need the job to survive, so quitting will be much easier. I'm only working 12 hours a week vs. 30. Three days vs. five, and I'm hoping to only do it for two months. They actually called me out of the blue last week to see if I'd come back as a temp for a project. So, I took it as a sign.

Until I learn how to grow money on trees, I gotta do what I gotta do!

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.

Chase Bank Can Suck It....

I've decided that besides selling all my worldly belongings (trying) to have money to survive, I'm going to get rich off of Chase bank. You know how they are screwing the world over? I'm one of them. I'm hoping for a nice class action lawsuit. Did you know that I love to have dreams?



My song and dance is that, (cue violin) I filed bankruptcy in 1999 due to the fact that my ex husband cheated on me (several times) and then abandoned me with all of our bills and a house I hadn't the slightest idea how to take care of. I made $7.25/hr. The past 10 years were spent rebuilding my credit because of that, because soon followed a reposession, a foreclosure, loss of job, and a personal breakdown. Toss in there my 12 year old cat died. It's not easy to rebuild your credit.


The long story would tell you how after my asshole husband, I lived with a few other assholes who treated me like crap until I finally got back on my own. Where I had no cable, free heat, and lived on ramon noodles, and McDonalds hamburgers for a few years, did my laundry in the bathtub, and owed my ass to cash advance.

Then I started a second job.

So, I've struggled. I've been there. A good 10 years was rough, but there were times that were harder than others. Up until almost 2 years ago I worked two jobs. 8am-11pm. Or, when I worked at the police station, I worked 8-5, and then 11-7am. I had no life. I was miserable. I did things like I don't want to struggle again. I didn't pay my taxes because I didn't have the money. I only in the past year got a promotion and raise, and was able to quit my second job and have a "normal" life.

So, that's what scares me about being faced with this tax stuff. I've been there.

On to the weekend. Cookout at the manfriend's tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to see the Akron Aeros in a suite with some school friends, and the manfriend. Free fun rocks!

Don't Evade Your Taxes...

So the saga goes with my taxes as such. You know, I pay my federal taxes, I pay my state taxes, I pay my city taxes, and then, I have to pay another city income tax because I live in a stupid fucked up city that makes you pay more taxes for living there.

Only, they dont take it out of your check they make you pay it out of your pocket. I've lived there since 2005, and I owe them from that year. I paid on it here and there.

Back up. I use to work two jobs for 4 years. Because of that I owed a buttload in taxes...you know because i worked two jobs to get ahead, and thats the american way....I ended up in more debt. I paid off my federal, and this year actually got a refund. (holla)

City? Notsomuch. I think its crap so I avoid paying it. I paid it here and there, but the there became more prevelant, and eventually they sent my case to court.

Where I was informed via a summons, and when I called them, they told me I couldn't contest it unless I thought I was wrongfully charged. Which...I wasn't I owed the money. Even if it was wrong.

They said they'll send me a letter to make payments, or they will garnish my wages. So I've been anxiously awaiting said papers. They came.

By payments they mean, I can pay 25% of my paycheck to them. Mind you, I don't have 25% of my paycheck after bills to myself, so how can I pay that to them?

The second option is to let them garnish my wages. Somehow they come up with this figure, garnishment is 60 times the federal minimum wage rate. (because I'm paid bi-weekly....otherwise its more) so, thats almost $500.

Have I mentioned I owe a mere $611? While it doesn't seem like much, I have no savings. I live check to check.

On top of this bullshit, I got a letter from Chase visa that they closed my account. That I've paid over on and never late for 4 years. The reason? My other cards are too close to their limits. They are, because I've been transferring money from my Chase (at 29% interest) onto the smaller rates to pay it off. I had over 1500 free on my chase visa. Now, that will go against my credit.

Manfriend offered to help me if I needed it. He's super cute and it's very thoughtful, but I have a hard time letting anyone help me. Thus my working two jobs for 4 years. I am uncomfortable when other people pay for me to do things too, I dont like to be a mooch! I'm trying to find a job to take on for a while. This is nuts. I make good money, and I'm in trouble.

That's what's wrong with the world today.

The moral of this story is pay your taxes.

Even though its a crock of shit, that you pay triple taxes on money you earn. And then move out of the city that makes you pay stupid taxes, and go to another city, where e-check seems like small potatos in comparison. That is the only perk of living in my county. I'm beginning to favor traffic noise, over listening to dirt bikes all day/night in the woods.

And then, take up a collection with me and buy an island, where non of this bullshit will happen to any of us! Come on!

Lessons?

Found:

One American Music Awards Michael Jackson Doll. His head was missing, but after digging through my "bag o barbies" I successfully reattached his noggin. He has a rip in his jacket shoulder, and his shoulder "straps" are coming apart. Has no pants. But I found both shoes. No socks. Missing his microphone, and signature silver glove.

The moral of this story is. I'm not getting rich off my Michael Jackson doll.

It would have been nice to get rich quick... seeing how I owe my city taxes from 2006 and they are trying to haul me off to court. Only by court, I mean they told me my case is in court, and I can't do anything about it but wait for a letter where they will try to garnish my wages, and make payments to avoid that.

The moral of that story is pay your taxes. Even small towns don't put up with that shit. Assholes.

The second moral of that story is don't work two jobs. Because not only does it suck your will to live for years and years, and you learn to live with no time to do anything, you end up owing more on your taxes, because apparently, you work two jobs because you are rich, not because you needed the money.

Loverly...

We do only see each other two maybe three times a week because of the "distance", but to me, quality wins out over quantity. For him, it was when you have a good thing you want more of it. Who can complain about their manfriend saying that? But then, it never changed. You know, nothing changes if nothing changes. It wont happen on its own, something has to give.

We fell into a routine that first started because I worked two jobs, and I wasnt home until 11pm each night. Then I only worked one job but worked out each day. Then I joined boot camp and my life as I knew it revolved around working out. Now I do my workouts strictly at lunch, and I don't do much of anything at night. (especially now with no good tivo to watch)

So I brought it up to the manfriend that its not easy to see him, because his schedule was such that he didn't get home until 9pm. Guess what, guess what? He changed his schedule! Now he will get off at 6, and we are both excited about how this will help us to see more of each other! Heres to hoping this will make things a little more "normal" for him. He says it's what we need to move forward. When really, its what he needs. Boys have needs too. (I guess)

When I stay with the manfriend, he changes his toilet paper on the roll for me. I like Cottonelle (I'm picky) and he likes Scott's ONE PLY. I might be able to live with some other two ply toilet paper, away from home, but not one ply. Girls have girly parts that like soft things. For a while I was bringing a roll of my own to stash there. Now, he gets me my own TP and actually puts it on the roll when I stay over. He's pretty much the cutest manfriend in the universe.

I mean, personally, this is the most romantic thing anyone has done for me. To me, being romantic is being thoughtful. He's always thoughtful. I'm in love with him. *smile*

Speaking of toilets...I always find it necessary when I'm changing to workout at work and come out of the stall to announce "I just changed my clothes". Because the automatic flush goes off 15 times, and I don't have time to wash my hands for no reason, when I'm in a rush to get the good treadmill. It annoys me that people would take it upon themselves to spread rumors about my non hand washing ways. Why do I care?

I didn't weigh in this morning, because I got up at 7:35. I am spose to be to work at 8, and I live 27 miles away. Whoopsie. I don't feel like I lost anyway.

I want this. Bad. I spend a lot of moolah on club soda (sodium free) cus it makes me feel like I am having a tasty treat aka pop (soda for you southern freaks) only its just water. And, it's yummy when mixed with Cherry vodka. It's on sale at kohls. It will be mine. Oh yes....it will be mine.

As for my TV situation. I have direct tv. I was paying 64/month for 200 channels. And I switched to 34/mo for the Family package, which is the only other cheaper plan. I looked into a local cable company (I'd NEVER go with Time Warner) and they are more expensive too. So, hopefully I can hang with no TV for a while. I have gone to recording a ton of daytime TV talk shows.

Mom Knows Best....

(I was impressed with some of the pics I took of my cats the other day. This of course, is the little shit that ran away. )






So, I'm at the manfriends Sunday night. 52 miles from home. And I get a text from my Momma:

Momma: Look up sex offenders. U got 10 close to u

Me: Thx mom, way 2 scare me!

Momma: Getting pics online, scars n all

Me: Nice!

Momma: most like kids

Momma: email page to u got (? I don't know what this means either)

Mind you, I live alone. Not in a desolate area, but rural. It's dark out. There's a big tree/bush by my front door where a sex offender could hide and grab me. I was out in the woods behind my house last week, with a flashlight at 10 and 12 calling my lost cat, all alone! The more I thought of it the more it made me mad. Home is my safe haven. I always feel safe there. I watch scarey movies by myself with the lights out.

Not that night. I wouldn't even watch Silence of the Lambs at the manfriends! I think that I much prefer ignorance in these cases. Then I kept thinking someone was going to jump me on the way in my house. I'm kinda mad at her now for that.

I got my review at work. I was pretty awesome. Of course, we don't get raises. Our insurance went up, so I actually will bring home less than I did last year. Even with that big fat stimulus we get! (this was just about the biggest joke yet....$12? all for me?)

Now...I'm working on my people's reviews. I keep a performance journal on my people all year in Access, and put the notes in categories according to the review form, and then run a report according to review category, so it's not too hard to do since I'm prepared, it's pretty much all done. I'm kinda impressed with myself too.

A new show was on last night, on regular TV, and I liked it! Cupid! I seem to be a sucker for love since falling madly in love myself. Speaking of mad love, I get to see my lovebug tonight! Eek!

Hole in the Head....

Do you watch Ellen? Have you seen the studio cat? I just love it! It's been sneaking in at night and caught on the webcam. So she put out a cat condo and food, and now its kitty watch 2009. I just love it!

Someone lost 63 lbs. Who? Me! I do feel better after having invested in more meat. Now I have it for more than just breakfast, I've been having a turkey burger for lunch.

I welcome the weekend. I have had the shittiest week at work. I had a meeting with my boss and she said..."welcome to management". Does that sum it up? You know, everythings your fault, and lies on your shoulders. You have to work over for free and finish projects. Take the flack! I also have to do reviews. And, I have to do 120 for field employees. It's annoying. The people who need that 120 reviews (I enter the statistical information) have harassed me each and every single day.

Then, there is the guy from the other day that was demoted into a position where now I basically give or dont give him the information he needs. And, he seems to think I'm on a power trip, when I am simply restricted in what information I can give him in his new position. He picked two fights with me. He told my boss I am difficult. And we can't communicate. Funny thing is he started shit with me in front of my department. Hello, witnesses? My boss said she told him she knows I didn't argue with him because that isn't me, and eventually told him to get out of her office. He is confrontational. She said she'd have to take this to her boss, and if he wants to talk to me again, to call her into his office with us. Which will make me look bad. It's a huge mess. Yesterday he was sweet as pie to me.

My ex Z called today. I don't know, it's been months since we even talked. I got several private calls and the vm said it was him and to pick up the phone. Excuse me? I didn't. The days of him bossing me around are over. So, Broke up like, 8 years, and he still calls me? I think I'm his one that got away. He's the one I escaped from.

I didn't get to see my manfriend yesterday. This never gets any easier. And I have to think that he loves me and misses me and wants to be with me, but the only way to make that any easier is something he isn't willing to do. I want to buy a house in the next year or so, so I have pretty much stopped looking for apartments. I'm tired of moving. I've moved 9 times since I've been 18. That's almost every year. Almost.

I ordered my credit reports, and I actually have pretty good credit! All the derogatory things, and the bankruptcy, reposession, and forecloseure, are all gone. Gone. I have two things (medical) that are in collections, which I'm going to pay off, and be free and clear, other than two credit cards and a car payment. Hello? Awesome.

I actually thought yesterday about getting another second job so I can save up for a down payment. I think I am sick in the head. I have had almost 1 full year off out of the past five, not working two jobs, and I want to do it again? Obviously I'm lonley. Or crazy. Or stupid. Or determined. Yes....I think I choose to be determined. I want what I want, and no one will give it to me, I have to make it happen.

Universe? I want a house! For me and my menagerie! A manfriend would be nice too, but I don't want to be greedy.

Anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? Ugh, that husband and wife made me cry. Love is a crazy thing. It is fantastic, until someone dies. I can't imagine losing someone you love that much. It makes me tear up thinking about it.

Adverse Reaction....

I've decided that I'm having more than just "a" side effect from my birth control. I've started cramping in my ovaries in the evenings. Dizzy spells. Nausea. Now, I have some sort of rash on my face, it's not just acne...It's a full blown rash, and it's affecting all my skin. I've never had a problem my entire life. This morning? I woke up and my upper lip is swollen bad enough that my coworkers can tell, I can barely smile, and its hurting my gums. What......the fuck? This is the only thing different I have done in the past 3 weeks.

Today's mission? Calling my old Dr. (that delivered me.....) and seeing what he can do about getting me a new prescription. Hoping he can get my records from PP. I am not going thru another exam. I was run thru the gammit with all the scraping and swabing for the tests I had done. My va-jay-jay is closed for that sorta business. I'll make payments, I'll pay full price monthly for the pills, whatever. I cannot live my life looking like such a freak. I apologize to the freaks out there, but I can't do it. PP doesn't have any of the other three pills I have tried with no problem in the 17 years I've been on the pill, and they don't write scripts, you have to buy from them. Wish me luck. Not like I can just stop taking the pill either, so until I get something else, I suffer. *sigh*

I'm at work last night, minding my bizness, as I always do, and I hear my name. CP was there. Waving at me. I gathered that he was there to visit my supervisor, as she was also his supervisor when he worked there. I know he isn't trying to get his job back, because that would just be silly, right? Not to mention, he up and quit one day with no notice, so I doubt they will hire him back. Then he emailed me today to say it was nice seeing me. Said something about being beautiful as ever and that he meant it in a friendly way. I dunno kids.... That doesn't sound friendly to me? I mean I'm only super duper, head over heels in love with someone else! So, no worries!

Got my stats for week before last. I made over $100 more in one week than at the police station. I smell financial freedom on the horizon!

I get to see that boy who invades my brain, and makes me crazy tonight! Yippppeeeee! I absolutely cannot wait to feel him. Ugh. Just the thought makes me nuts! I might have to jump him right away..... For some reason it feels like it's been for-ev-er! Let's see in 6 months, if the boy still has no problem with my sexual appetite, he said he has no problem with it. It's been my experience that boys tire of my sexual prowess.

P.S. My new favorite thing to eat is cottage cheese, peas, and sunflower seeds. I know it may sound gross, but it's actually quite good. One of my VP's eats the peas and cottage cheese every day. See if this helps me meet my 51lb weight loss goal on Friday! I've had way too much bread in the past few weeks, so I'm not having my delicious breakfast sandwhich. *sigh*

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

When I got home from work(s) last night, there was some cute guy hanging out at my neighbors house. Oh wait, that was MY cute guy! Tayray and her man were passing out candy for Halloweener. She was a clown, which is funny cus if you remember, she hates them. Thus, my leaving her various clown suprises when I cat sit. I'm a good friend like that.

Ok...soooo, last night the boy was like, maybe I found your blog, and I'm like, maybe I'll die of embaressment. Then hes like, Id never embaress you..I didn't mean it that way. Not like I have anything to be embaressed of. Right? Other than the fact that I said we're getting married he he he. I'm a funny girl though. You can't go and believe everything I type, k...I mean. Maybe I was just joking or something. Or....fuck, well - it must have been meant to happen, and I can't change it. Oh well. I have no reason to fret over it, it's how I feel. So, I'm gonna pretend like it never happened. And press on. I can't just erase the last almost three years of my life on the internets.

I'm in boy bliss last night, and my friggin phone rings at 10 something...private. I didn't answer it. It's never good news at 10 and private. I got an email today from CP, saying he called me but I must have been working and his number comes up private. I responded that no, I wasn't working, that my MAN was over, and I didn't want to be INTERRUPTED. He said before that "if God wants us to be together down the road, then we will be". I say, if "God" wanted us to be together, you wouldn't have fucked up so much, and "God" wouldn't have given me my perfect match wrapped up in the cutest package. How's that burning bridge going for you? I should just be bitchy to him, but that's not me. And...I have to stay true to myself. Here is where my Mom and Sister say that he is going to wind up killing me and then I'll learn.

So, I'm feeling off this morning. As is my Thursday and Monday routine anymore. I'm not depressed, or sad...it's just kinda empty. And I don't mean that in the way that I need the boy to feel like a whole person, but yea, kinda I do mean that. I am me and fine, and happy normally. I guess I can say that he makes me more me. That might sound less pathetic.

Say, like...maybe you are living your life to the fullest, and you're a good runner. And you have some decent running shoes, that you wear every day. One day, someone gives you new running shoes, and you get to feel how well they fit you. You seem to go faster, and longer with these shoes on, so naturally, you want to wear the new shoes every day, but you can't. You can only wear them a couple days a week. So on the days you wear your old running shoes, sure, you still run, and they don't give you blisters, but you think about how good it felt to wear the new shoes. How much further and longer you could run. And you wish you could just wear those every day, and it makes no sense why you have to be given the ability to be greater, but you don't have access to it.

Damn, that was the most perfect comparison. Sometimes I even scare myself.

Last night didn't make it any easier. It's pretty clear that he feels the same way, and that makes it even more frustrating. Frustrating? That's not even the right word. The only thing I can say is that I just want to chomp off a hunka the boy and eat him. Does that sound disgusting.....or what? He makes me feel so good. Just being there. I can't get enough of him, and I love it. Sometimes I hate it. Like today. And tomorrow. And whenever I have to wait to see him. But I'm thinking it's my lesson in patience or some crap like that. Which, hello...not working. I love the way he kisses me, the feeling I get when he hugs me, or holds me, and that I can't stop smiling. Writing this is making me tear up. I'm such a sucker for this love stuff. Who knew?

Burning Bridges...

You know, I've never been the type of person to burn bridges. This is why when my stupid ex bf's call, I don't just tell them to eff off!!

That's why CP still contacts me.

And, that's why 'NEW GUY' has contacted me from time to time since I've met manfriend. The first time he texted me was after my first date with new manfriend, and I told him I was tired. At the time, I didn't know where things were headed for me and the boy. I knew I liked him...but, why burn that bridge? Right after sending him that message, the boy texted me something cute. Signs.

I told him I had company. Last night he texted me at work. He said it was his birthday and asked what I got him. I said nothing, but happy birthday. Me=friendly gal. Then he asked what I was doing, and I said working. In the back of my head I was like, what's my problem? I should just tell him what's going on, and not think twice about it. I thought he'd just leave me alone if I kept blowing him off. Then he said I should come over after work.

So, I just responded that I have a boyfriend for about a month now, and I'm not the kind of girl that does that sorta thing. And that was that.

We weren't in any sort of relationship. It was clear what we had was just sex, as was defined by the times we had fun hanging out, then we didn't talk for weeks.

I am always greatful for what I have I am thankful out loud to the universe for bringing me the second job I've wanted, and the man of my dreams. The weight loss I have tried to achieve for years, and I have a place to live, and food to eat, and family and friends. The more you are thankful, the more you will receive, right?

Now, I'm waiting for this to work with money.

Gimme an F!...

It's mother fucking Friday. That's how I feel today. I have been so busy, I havn't had time to jot anything down in my blog. The horror. And, I know how everyone hangs on my every word...*crickets chirp* right? Anyways....

I had three regional meetings for my VP's to prepare for. I've been running ragged. I'm still totally injured. And, I'm going to Cedar Point for Halloweekends. So, I suspect I will be in more pain come Monday. I'll probably catch a cold too. I've been taking my zinc. I got up to $12/hr at work this week. I hope they keep my stats. I remember they use to always "lose" them from time to time.

The boy made me a CD. On it, had "Teachings on Love" by Thich Nhat Hanh. A book. So far, I really like it. Like most of the buddhist way of thinking, it's common sense. Nurture the positive seeds in the one you love. Love yourself first, so that you know how to love, and receive love. That's most important. That was a lesson that took me until a couple years ago to even grasp. And even now, I sometimes struggle with it.

Happy weekend all! I'm off tonight, and going to a friends sex toy party. I know you are all jealous, because I would be too!

Content...

So, I get to see the boy tonight. *eeeeeeeeeeeeek*!! We're renting a movie. Together. Cus, everything we do is adorable. Don't ask me why! It's gonna be cold out! So, we are going to snuggle on the couch under a blankie and do things you should all be so lucky to do....and watch a movie.

I got an email from CP over the weekend. Apparently, he read my blog, so he knows all about how I'm a happy camper. One thing I learned, is never tell the boy you have a blog. Makes for much easier posting! Not to mention, I'd pretty much die if he saw that I said I was going to marry him the first week we were talking. Anyhoo - CP said he's happy for me. Hope he's for real, and doesn't think he is going to sabotage my relationship with the boy. Although, he is an adult, and we've had similar relationships, and he knows how exes can be. Let's hope CP isn't one of them. Some people seem to think he's going to kill me. But then, they also think the new boy is going to chop me up and put me in his trunk. I know some seriously trusting people!

That's pretty much all I have today. I've just been cleaning, and looking for another part time job. The pressure of no money scares me. You know, the dog goes to the vet Saturday, I'm out of all my hair product, need a hair appointment, winter clothes. You never think about these things when you stop going to a job. Who, me? I don't care about that place. That's the problem. They keep calling me too, as if I'm gonna answer. They even tried to call me unavailable. What-ev-er!

I'm Baaaaaaaaack....(and more on the boy)

I know the internets probably shut down while I was on vacation. Riiiight. I really enjoyed my few days of "freedom". We went to see the new Halloween, had a drink at Ruby Tuesday's. Spent time at the beach, and went to the A.R.E. (Association for research and enlightenment) and took a meditation seminar. I really enjoyed the meditation, I can't explain what happened to me, but that it was a feeling of happiness that kept washing over me. Amazing. I can't wait to see if I can re-create this on my own. Meditation may keep me sane! I also got a new mantra out of it, "be still and know that I am love" this will help me I think, on my journy of self love. I still have my moments, and this is what I'll say.

As soon as I got home though, the tension, and stress all came washing back over me. I wanted my brother to go home, my Mom didn't. It's not my fault, I have my own life to get together, I've had him with me FOUR months! C'mon! So I took him home yesterday. I told him he can come back some time. But I need a few days to myself. Then I got a call from the police station, the girl working 3-11 took another shift, so they need people to work 5:30-10:30 M-F. I'm going to call and pick up some hours during the week. That money will greatly help me, especially missing three days at the real job to go out of town. Good thing I had some R&R! Plus, the days I work at the police station, I'll have to get up at 6 am to workout, since I wont have time at night.

Did I mention how I got sick on vacation? On the way home I started feeling like shit. Sinus infection. Today I got a huge ball of bloody mucus out my throat. I know, that's disgusting, but that's how I roll!

And I told you how I've been talking to that boy from the internet. Well we talked a couple times, and we've been texting a lot. He seems normal. Shocking. Normal? By normal I mean, like me. So of course this really means..."awesome".

Something about this boy... I dunno. I really like. Is it weird, because I havn't met him? I can see how this whole online thing works. He's not a freak, and we have had time to talk and get to know each other before getting involved otherwise. I guess you never know. We have a lot of the same interests, one being buddhism. It's fun to talk to someone else about it, who truely gets it, and doesn't make fun of it.

We also have the same sense of humor. Who loves laughing? I do! Who else does? That boy! Who knows what will happen.. we talked about meeting when I have some time off in October. Meeting?!!? Eeek! I feel like it's pretty damn sad I can't make plans cus I'm always working! But, with picking up these extra hours, who knows. I might be able to quit before Christmas. I'll keep you updated. I get a good feeling about it. One that I can't explain, but I trust.

Wach this video. It's only a minute long. It will make you appreciate nature. The sun was hitting the ocean so it looked like it was raining when the waves came in, and it's an amazing, beautiful thing. I'm a dork like that!

You Might Be Having A Bad Night If....

You are hauled into the police station in your bridesmaid dress. Sobbing all alone in the lobby, while you wait for your parents to come from 45 minutes away to pick you up. It might be worse if the secretary on duty, plays on the internet instead of maybe asking if you are ok. My job description did not say babysitter. Yet, this is the second person I've had to watch cry in the lobby. The sergeant picked this chick up drunk, walking down the street. He says her friends left her. After paying all that money for a bridesmaid's dress? Which BTW, is tiffany blue, with black buttons down the back, and a silk black sash, it's sooo cute! I'd never talk to my friends again. Betches.....

Speaking of betches, I got another letter from CP from rehab. I think he is on the step where you tell the truth to make yourself feel better, and make those you lied to feel even more like shit for trusting you. I don't have much to say about it, cus we really weren't together since last October. We were just friends.

Turns out, he stole more than he told me about. He dated two chicks he never told me about. I think it bothers me cus he professed his every-lasting love for me while steadily seeing other people. I never said I still loved him. I told him quite the opposite. But I still never told him about someone still being in the picture. I think I selfishly liked the attention. Sue me. Not to mention, the thing with someone is probably not going anywhere anyhow. He really wants to see me. But, I'm not ready for that just yet. He doesn't deserve to see me. (this is where you say I'm totally right)

Well, last night I went to the bar with Kat. There is a boy I think is cute that is there, and he is newly single. Single=good.

This is the billionth time I've had to buy food for me and my brother. Today I told him "I don't have the money to keep buying food, so make it last" I think he just assumes my Mom sends me money every week or something. Does he really have no concept of how much food he eats, and how much it costs? Seriously?

Then, he complains because I had ground turkey and no beef, and how it has no flavor. I mean, if I was staying somewhere for free, where everything was given to me, and someone picked up after me, bought my food, prescriptions, toted me around, while they worked two jobs and were never home, would I really have the balls to complain that the meat provided for me was of the wrong species?

/rant.