Pardon Me...

While I'm off the grid for a while. I go to jail this week, and the impending doom has set in for me.



I plan to be filfthy because a) im not showering in a room of women I don't know, and b)you try finding all your hygeine products in clear original bottles.

You are only allowed clear..and no alchohol in anything. Because the first thing I want to do when I get there, is drink all my hygeine products to get the buzz on...totally. I'm going to be with those kind of people. I'm not those kind of people. To each his own but I prefer my drink in a glass, chilled, maybe shaken depending on the cocktail.



What have I learned...hmmmm....don't drink and drive, and especially not in podunk Ohio, where they treat your first offense like a 5th offense.



I know the dear state is hoping they will make me never drink again by telling me how horrible I am for doing it. But fear not taxpayers, your money is not wasted. I got the honor and priveledge of paying for this intervention.

Let's pray that I don't wind up knifed, razored, ball point penned,. or salad tossed in my sleep...which is a legitimate concern seeing how I have to bunk with "non violent criminals" out in the open. I watch that show Lock up...I know what goes on in this type of minimum security jail. And it aint pretty if you are straight, or enjoy breathing.

Oh yea...this is gonna be totally sweet. I'm so not the type of person that will fare well in lock up.

If I were in charge, life would be fair...

Recently I was talking with a girlfriend about our current and past relationships. We both had a 7 year run, mine ended in divorce, hers a break up. Both were over 10 years ago, and neither were the greatest of matches.

She asked if I ever thought fondly of the ex husband, or missed what we had. We were high school "sweethearts" (puke) and had all of our firsts together, and for a while, I thought I'd never get past that, and move on. Even 8 years later when he remarried, and I'm still hopelessly flailing around the dating pool, it hurt me.

But as I've said before, running into him and his not remembering all the shitty things he did, reminded me that only I can hold myself back. And only I have control over how I feel about anyone at any time.

But if I'm being honest...I still miss that exassholemanfriend of mine. In my 34 years I was never that in love with anyone.

The only thing I can do is remember how he dumped me because he was afraid to move forward like a coward....on facebook no less. Moved his shit out while I was at work. And left me a letter.

So...almost as quickly, I imagine covering cat poop in chocolate, nestling it into pretty paper cups, and shrink wrapping it in a whitmans sampler box...and sending it to him. I imagine with delight, the look on his face when he bites into a chocolate covered cat poop.

Lock Down...

I've been broke, so that means I havn't been able to rely on alchohol to sleep for days. Um, this means that I can't sleep. And I am being forced to deal with my hateful feelings.

Instead, I lay and think about how much I hate exmanfriend. I don't mean, I'm sad about him hurting me. I mean, full on hate. This is not me at all, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I've never hated someone so much. I mean, the way he did it, yes...but the fact that he did it at all fills me up with anger.

I dream about killing him. I dream about being together, and instead of waking up sad I wake up angry. I toss and turn all night.

I had a 7 year shitty relationship with my ex husband, and he didn't summon this much hate in me. I think because the relationship was crap.

There was nothing wrong w/me and exmanfriend, and its the first time in my 34 years I thought I found "the one" and it was it for me. Without a doubt, trusted it 100%. That has never happened.

I push bad thoughts out of my head the second they come in, and the second after that, they come back. I visualize myself in white light, but two seconds later I see his stupid mug, or hear some bullshit thing he said to me.

Some maniac has hijacked my brain and I don't know how to get it back. I've never felt this angry before.

I think I should probably be locked up for a while and not leave the house. Who knows what this hateful me is capeable of, but my thoughts sometimes scare me. Its very uncharacteristic. I need a spiritual anema.