Screwed Up..

Funny how long it takes to realize you are screwed up huh?

I had a really nice date with the new guy Saturday. Except that I can't get over that he doesnt smell right. It isnt that he stinks and I can't explain it. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night because it smells like that too. And I can't smell very well.

The whole thing just feels wrong.

He's super sweet and it's obvious that I'm not ready to move on. Silly to think it would be so easy. I have to tell him how I feel.

All I do when we are together is think of notsomuchamanfriend. So much so that I cried when I stayed the night Saturday. How awesome is that? While he snoozed away. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong because my heart and mind are elsewhere. And that's not his fault.

(snoozing at 11pm, mind you. )

I'm the kind of girl, that's just going out at 9, 10, 11. I like to go out and see and be seen, and mingle with people I know. One of my girlfriends that he knows before I knew her, wanted us to meet her out and he didn't wanna go. So I was like, ohhhh keeee, we'll hang out here. On a Saturday night. And he was falling asleep by 9pm. He did tell me to call her and I said "you wanna go out?" he said no....

Like I'm gonna leave after he made me dinner and everything.

It's all a big fat mess. I can't watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything, think of anything, or be sober without thinking of notsomuchamanfriend. I guess i can't be drunk either and not think about him, but at least that way I can sleep.

All the while he's told me that he is sorry. I can't explain how I feel. I spent years shaping myself into the person I am today. True, hard work to honor and acknowledge my needs, and my feelings so I am able to get what I want/need. To act like I don't miss notsomuchamanfriend, is not honoring myself. Or being real.

I've been shit on plenty. But I've never had this experience where I was always so happy and treated well, and then poof its gone to no fault of my own. I've been through worse, with my divorce. Way, way worse. But that's just the thing. It was worse. The relationship was crap to begin with. And getting over him, not this hard. We were together 7 years.

Me and notsomuchamanfriend...two years. But two years of happy beats out 7 years of misery any old day.

Obviously there is a lot to be said, and I can't rightfully blog my entire life. But, I talked to him for 9 hours Sunday. From 11 at night til 8 monday morning.

And it was a good, good....talk.