Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad...

So, I should open up a pet sitting business. Seriously.

You know I booked my flight to the beach right? Oh, I havn't mentioned that?

Well you know, the universal law of attraction means, that you are suppose to not worry about things, and just do them, and the universe will make it "how" happen for you. So, once I got the money saved for my flight to see my sister at the beach (girls vacay-shun!!!) I thought oh, the rest will work itself out.

By "rest" I mean... who the hell is gonna watch my 6 pets??

Normally, I had a neighbor to let them out, but I have since moved away and trust no one in my apartment. Or, my Mom would take my dog...however, my evil Mom (hi mom, thanks for the free a/c for my bedroom *smile*!) has opted out this time, and that leaves me with no other choice but to hire a pet sitter. Because, boarding... is even more ridonkulous!

Its going to cost me more to hire a pet sitter than it is to fly my ass to the beach. In the air. On a giant plane, you know, that moves and uses jet fuel and everything, a petsitter costs more!

I have no idea what to do besides start calling in favors from all my friends and maybe try to have to hire a petsitter only a couple of the seven days.

Wish me luck. Cus my tickets are nonrefundable!

In closing, if you want to make a buttload of money, go into the petsitting business. I wish I would've hopped on that train a long time ago!

The Universe According to Me...

Long ago, I was lost. I wasn't who I am today, and I wasn't happy. Once I started on a path of self improvement, positive thinking, the law of attraction, and buddhism, things all changed for me.

Maybe we all just need something to believe in?

I really believe the mind is the source of all of our trouble, joy, and sadness. The one thought that opened me up to the power of the mind was of course, Wayne Dyer (whom I heart as a spiritual teacher) talking about memories. How powerful a memory can be that it makes you laugh, or cry years later, or makes you feel attached to a moment. Memories are nothing more than thoughts, yet they evoke those emotions.

Think about it. So is love. You can't hold love. It's a feeling, a thought, and is quite powerful.

So, bad thoughts have just as much power, this started me on my path towards positive thinking. Why waste time on negative thoughts? For the most part, I do well with this. I'm always complimented at work on my upbeat, positive outlook, and my ability to motivate others. I love that about myself.

But since the dumping, something has been missing. The love I felt for exmanfriend hasn't been replaced with love for anything else. And while I've always read about improving, I've always been alone on the journey.

Once I took a group meditation in Virginia, and it was the most amazing experience (almost orgasmic...true story) of my life.

Monday I was upset, and crying to the universe, that I am ready to let "this" (the exmanfriend bs) go, and I am open to love. I am ready to move on and put it behind me. I couldn't sleep, so I repeated these things over, and over as a mantra.

The next morning the first thing I googled was Akron Buddhism. And I found a local center close to my house, where I will be attending an orientation tonight.

And thus begins my new spiritual path with Shambhala buddhism, and Shambhala training.

Exmanfriend and I shared this interest, and read about it extensively, but we never followed up with it. He's a good bullshitter, and talker. I'm a doer, and I guess in a way I let him stifel that in me.

This is something that can come out of the wreckage of the break up. I can find my spirituality, and inner peace, and like minded people.

Without him.

Like Attracts Like.....

Monday. Not much to say about a Monday. It's hot outside. I slept with my window open and I was still hot. It's either snowing, or hotter than hell. I can hardly wait for it to get hotter. I'm lying of course. I had a nice weekend. Friday I swept and cleaned my carpets. Its a regular occurance for me. This time I scotch guarded them mofos.

Oh, I failed to mention that I got my tax money! I've been willing it to arrive. Know what I got to do with it? I bought stuff for my dog at the pharmacy. Not fun stuff, eye stuff, ear stuff, skin stuff. A girl gets some extra money, and she has to buy practical things. Something doesn't seem right here. But you know, I'm reading "The Secret" so I have been focusing on being wealthy. So, when I checked out at Rite Aid, I got a number to call and enter to win $10,000. I took this as a sign from the universe, and I promptly called.

I forgot to mention that on Friday while reading The Secret, I came to a part that said to use the book to find the answers by asking for it, and flipping to a page. I did. I wanted to find the perfect relationship, I opened the book right to the part about loving yourself, and having a relationship with you. Imagine that.

I've been spending my 10 G's in my mind. With my new wealth, I'm going to pay off my car, and my credit cards, put maybe a grand away, and put the rest down on my house or condo. I might buy myself a new computer too. Since I'll be able to afford the internet. Saturday it was beyoooootiful out. I drove to Best Buy to get a CD. I have misplaced my Edwin McCain Scream and Whisper CD but you know how Best Buy blows balls and never carries anything out of the ordinary. So I got Three Days Grace instead. I freaking love "Pain" and now I can listen to it forever. (Pain, without love, Pain, I cant get enough, Pain, I like it rough, cus I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all)

Upon my checkout from the store, I got a survey to win a $10,000 shopping spree to Best Buy. Since I'm suppose to be visualizing things as though I already have them....I've had so much fun. Oh, I won't forget the little people. When you think about it, 10 grand isn't a lot of money. Saturday night I went to see the new Hills Have Eyes with Kat. It so fucking rocked. They sell beer at the theater now. $4 a bottle, but nonetheless, it's beer. We went to meet my brother after the movie for drinks, and ended up getting home at 4:30 a.m. I can still rock it.

I got my schedule for April at job #2, and guess what? I work every weekend. Lucky me. The money will be nice, but I told them I needed the 28th off and they scheduled me. I called a coworker to see if she wanted any shifts cus she got only 1 weekend. She took one, but not the 28th. No one wants to trade midnight shifts. Cus we all have full time jobs, and we all fucking hate them.

It seems though, that I wont end up needing the 28th off anyhow. CP has decided in only his own true fashion, to stop calling me again. No explanation, just no contact. Well, whatever. Maybe it's for the best. I just think a girl deserves a goodbye, piss off...something! That's usually my problem, I hang on til the bitter end. You know, getting kicked in the face only to ask for another kick. This is sorta like when I lost my job, and he was 'there for me' for a day, and then disappeared, the same goes with the death of my pet. He was there that day and I havn't heard from him since. I'm over it. I'm moving on. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not going to keep going thru this and going back. It's just not cool!

P.S. I finally saw 'The Departed' that movie was freaking awesome! I didn't expect to like it.