Recycling Dates??...

So, it's been far too long since I've been out on a date with someone I havn't already dated, you know....someone I know it isn't going to work with, but I still want to get out, and have fun, and maybe have some, you know,  "time" together. This is always done under the assumption that it is what it is and it isn't going anywhere further. Old friends, I like to say!

Recycling old dates don't count toward your "number" and I am still in the business of caring how high my "number" gets. At least, this is how I justify going out with people that I know are not going to marry me. Whatever works.....right?

So, I re-activated my online dating account for about two months in hopes that maybe things will be different this time.

A tip... if you are expecting a girl to be interested in you....send her a legit message, ask a question, refer to something in her profile....don't just say "hi". "Hi" screams "I just want the booty", and if you had taken the time to read my profile, you'd see, that is so not what I am looking for. You can get that anywhere! And upload a picture. What are you hiding? I have mine out there, why can't I see yours?

I happened to get a message from someone I dated last summer for a few months.

He asked did I want to go out again and give it another shot, he said text him and we'd get together. We exchanged numbers again. I messaged him the next day, just a lighthearted message.

Then I didn't hear from him for 11 days. At which time he asked me out on a Thursday for the following Saturday, and I just told him "I think we have incompatible communication styles".

I then realized the reason we quit talking probably wasn't because I was hung up on my ex. It was because he would only randomly respond to my messages. I mean, it only takes 2 seconds to respond to a text message. I don't expect a conversation, just an acknowledgement that you got my message. "Good to hear from you". "We'll make plans soon". Anything. Don't just ignore a girls text for almost two weeks, she will move on!

I mean, I did  read "he's just not that into you" years ago, so I know, that I deserve a response!

Dating... Advice?

Dating. Not my top priority these days, but it's still in the back of my mind.

I don't feel like I'm missing out, I mean, I havn't been on a real date (with someone I havn't already dated before....ahem...) in a long while.

I've said a billion times I'm at the point where if you don't knock my socks off, keep it moving. I'm living my life just fine, thank you!

Being only one of two single girls in my social circle, I get a lot of advice as to why I'm "still single". (like it's the plague)

Here are just a few samplings of unsolicited advice I've gotten...

Apparently, I can't go shopping without getting done up. I never know where I will meet someone. So I guess it's unacceptable to go to the store after the gym. I should rush home, shower, spend an hour on make up and hair, (after already doing so for work in the morning) and THEN go get my wine...I mean, food, or kitty litter, or...whatever.

Aren't there any guys at your gym? I should frequent the weight room, ask a guy to help me.

Do you always wear that ring? Apparently, guys are dumb, it doesn't matter if I wear my beautiful antique inspired, self-bought diamond ring on my right hand, they probably still think I'm engaged.

I  need to hang out at Barnes and Noble, there are ALWAYS guys there.

I need to order food at a restaurant by myself and sit at the bar. Someone will pick me up.

I need to flirt more.

I should strike up a conversation with someone I think is cute! I need to practice!

I shouldn't meet someone online!

I should meet someone online!

I need to stop hanging out at the gay bar, how will I ever find a man that way?

I need to get out more often.

I should join a social group. (what is a social group?)

Buy this dress for a date!!! (that I don't have) It will inspire me to be more open to dating because I already have an outfit.

I can't expect a guy to always make the first move I need to go for what I want!

I should be more outgoing, guys love confident girls!

I should meet a rich guy, he will take care of me!

What ridiculous advice have you gotten? Or am I the only single girl left in the world?

Sex, and the City??

It's that moment when....you wake up from a night of drinking in your snuggly new bed, two weeks after you have your new bed delivered, and set up for you in your bedroom...that you notice your "adult toy" is lying blatently on your night stand, in all its colorful glory.

"OMG, when is the last time I used that??"

Your heart skips a beat when you realize that yes, it's been there for several weeks.

And then you flash back to the day of delivery when the guys told you "you were our favorite delivery of the day", upon their departure. You thought it was because you were chatty, and nice, and thankful for your new furniture, and very appreciative of their speedy service....right?

This is not the only time that my healthy sex drive has caused embarressment.

This almost (but not quite) outshines the time the cable guy came out to investigate a problem with interference on my cable line (YEARRS ago!) and he asked "does the interference also happen when you watch VHS?"

You tell him that yes, it does,  and he asks if there is a VHS in the player that he can test.

You reply "yes, there is..."

And he pushes play...

And then it's smack dab in the middle of a porno.

Porno. On TV. With the cable guy. 


It was like I was making my own porno.

Lure the cable guy over with complaints, and watch a porno together, totally on accident, and then, make a porno of your own. (of course this did NOT happen!!)

Clearly, the cable guy still wins out on life's most embaressing moment for me. 

Is it any wonder I don't want to reproduce? I am a complete mess!

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

Dating Etiquette...

My third date was a charm, and I had an absolutely amazing evening with a tall, dark, and handsome man that opened doors for me, made me laugh, saved me from falling into a hole in the parking lot, and whose kisses made my heart go pitter patter. Wait, maybe that wasn't my heart?!!

It's been many months since I have been excited about someone, and I'm trying not to let that whole thing your brain does when you first like someone, take over me. But it's hard. I mean, did I mention the kissing? Because I can't stop thinking about it.

We went to dinner, and then to see a band down the road, and ended the night at one of his friends' house (whom I know thru our mutual friends also..) with a fire, where every time we were alone we were kissing and laughing like teenagers. Ahhhh, to be young again! It was so much fun, and he is so easy to be with! We stayed up until 6 am and I think its going to take me a week to recover from it, but it was worth every wink of sleep missed.

And let's not forget that I had my heart ripped out pretty severely, and danced upon repeatedly by exassholemanfriend, only 6 months ago, and only recently stopped thinking about him every day, and started realizing what a total douchebag he is, and how lucky I am that I'm not with him anymore. So I'm not in any great hurry to be coupled up, even though ultimately, its what we both want.

For now, I'm enjoying the giddy feeling inside, and the smile that I can't seem to hide. And I don't owe anyone anything besides myself. And myself says, she doesn't want to date someone else because I personally think its skeevy.

And, we are meeting for lunch this week too. A lunch date. How fun is that? It's funny how things come together when you give yourself the time to get over your past, and work on yourself. I think I like how things are going in all aspects of my life.

So, now, what do I tell this other guy I have a date with next weekend, without being an asshole? I met someone?

Breaking the shell...

I'm shy. Which seems to come as a suprise to people who know me, because, duh they know me. But I have such a time talking to people I don't know, and if you are a cute boy? Fugetabout it!

I was at the dog park last weekend (where I'm 99% sure I'm going to meet my next husband, if I don't in fact, marry the security guy at work that I have the hots for) and it was like 100 degrees and there was 3 people there.

One was, a cute boy, and his cute dog, Charlie. Cute boy was like me, - following the dog around with his camera phone, and taking pictures of it. Anyone who does this in public, is destined to be mine. So I channeled my inner "mom" (my mom would talk the ear off of an ant if it sat still long enough to listen) and smiled at the boy. This was the day after buying new small clothes, and I decided to fix my hair before going to the park, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And, we began to talk. Until it was just the two of us at the park! (the other person left....) We got our dogs at the same rescue, both had previously had dogs from a pet store who lived lives of sickness. I thought, OMG we are totally getting married. I felt like I was witty when he was searching for his dogs poop to scoop, and he said all he could find was old poop, and I said "picking up old poop is good karma".... I bet later that night, he went over that line in his head when he thought about me.

I thought I handled the fact that his dog kept sticking his nose up my ass crack pretty well too, I mean, why don't you try being charming with a big dog nose in your junk! He told me he comes every weekend, and I said I do too, so I'm pretty sure his dog will sniff me out again!

I also went on a date this week. It was OK. I'm not in love or anything, and I got a free meal and drinks out of it. To me, this is all practice for when I finally grow a pair and tell hot security guy that I think he's the bees knees, and we live happily ever after.

I'm so horribly shy, so the more I talk to strangers, and force myself to go on dates, the better off the future "Mr. Me" will be when we meet!

Mr. Magoo, bringing people together since 2011.

P.S. don't look at his tinkler, he can't help it!

Bizzee...

Jenkies, I've been hella busy. My work days are flying by. I have been doing 10 workouts a week in addition, and it seems like before I know it, it's going to be fall!

The good news about all of this is, I am down 20lbs in my first month, and well on my way to my 40lb goal! I can hardly believe how fast it is coming off, but I guess when you put in the effort you have to see results. I am really kicking some serious ass.

The good part is my clothes are falling off of me. That's also the bad part. With the cost of bootcamp, and healthy eating, I don't have much left for a new wardrobe, and havn't yet decided what to do about it. I have some smaller clothes I have been filling in with, but that wont get me through the summer.

I want to wait until goal to buy lots of stuff!

I also started P90X on my "off day" from bootcamp.

I survived Easter with having about a cup of mashed potatos, and a small 1/4" sliver of white cake as my only cheat, and no candy. It really is all in the mind. Once you master your mind, it's not so hard to resist foods. It seemed so impossible for years. I always had the workouts down, but not the food.

I'm interviewing for a new secretary, doing three jobs in the process, and possibly getting a new boss which may have its good and bad points. It will help develop me as a manager, but theres potential for conflict.

So, I'm just doing me right now. I'm finding time to attend meditation, and tan in between my busy workout schedule, take the dog to the park, and visit friends and family, and I look forward to redbox movies and a (me size) glass of wine on the weekend with the dog and cats. I am content.

I'm making myself a priority. And I must say, it feels absolutely fantastic! I've never been happier! It feels amazing to accomplish goals I've set for myself, and really change my life even more for the better.

And, I have a crush on someone at work. I know, right? It's innocent enough, it makes for lots of laughs if nothing else.

What's Normal...

I duno who gets to decide normal. But Oprah had a show all about it. Like it's normal to pick your nose 5 times a day, because so many people do it. Is normal what most people do? What if all those nose pickers are retarded? Are they still normal? I mean, who decides these things?

I think its us. We are our own survey of normal.

I'm trying to determine when I make the turn from...

"I'm just feeling my feelings"

to....

"maybe I'm pathetic"

Of course, this stems from a miriad of things. Much which I havn't blogged about, but I'm goin thru some giant crap other than man/relationship things, and spending a lot of time on my own as a result.

Alone gives you time to think. Unless you drink your thoughts away, but I think my liver says that's not normal, and the first three months of me and exassholemanfriend's break up is proof of that.

Things I've tried:

1. Crying. Lots.
2. Sobbing and crying. Lots.
3. Turning sadness into anger. Replacing I miss him, or I love him with I hate him, and he's dead to me.
4. Drinking wine.
5. Revenge ie; keeping things he left at my house that he asked for back but doesn't deserve.
6. Drinking vodka
7. Revenge ie; maybe someone took his grill from his house, that I know nothing about.
8. Drinking a 6 pack of beer as shots. which is awesome
9. Thinking he died
10. Imagining feeding him poop. I think of this alot. And really, its the only thought which brings me joy when it comes to him
11. Crying
12. Dating someone else
13. Drinking. Lots. Until I pass out. this works for a while but you get tired of hangovers, it costs a bundle, and eventually, you gotta be drunk all day to not think, and luckily I'm gainfully employed.
14. Ignoring that I have feelings
15. Positive thought...."I use to turn the right blinker on to turn right when exasshole manfriend was in the car" *sob* into..."someone else will appreciate the way I signal my intent to turn"
16. Giving up everything "we" did together. Besides sex. Because, I'm not stupid.
17. Revenge ie; wiping your butt with the boxers you gave back to him.

Honestly, I have no clue what else to do. I've never been in this predicament. I've had plenty to hate about my old boyfriends. Plenty to look forward to, because let's face it they were all losers.

But I guess if after 5 months I'm finally starting to question if my missing him is bordering on being a little obsessive, maybe it is.

Maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad.

Who's that knocking on my door?...

Saturday night, I was having a glass (or two) of wine, and watching some of my 25 episodes of "Who's the Boss", when there was a knock at my door. It was midnight. I live in the city. With crackheads. And ladies who wear duct tape on their mouths. And, um, shady characters. I looked out my side window and no one was in my driveway, I had been texting with new guy, but he wouldn't just show up. Plus, he'd park in the drive. No car.

Knocking again...

I left my front blinds open so clearly whoever was knocking, saw me sitting there ignoring them..drinking and smoking when they came up on my porch.

More knocking...

I snuck out of my own living room and upstairs to see if I could determine who it was from the bedroom. I didn't see a thing. I went back downstairs. I watch too many horror movies so by this time, I'm pretty scared.

Knock knock...of course, no dog barking from my attack dogs!

You would think, that at midnight, at someones house you obviously don't know, if they aren't going to answer after the first time, maybe you should just give up?

Knock knock...I had to look up the police number on google, because who has a phone book anymore? This took forever!

And by the time I found it, they had left. And I fell asleep (passed out) on the couch. The next afternoon, when I left to go tanning I noticed my sunroof was open. And my car windows were down. It had rained. My car was flooded.

I thought, what if it were just a concerned neighbor telling me I left my car open in the rain? I'm such an ass. Clearly a crackhead could've taken the valuables (CD's or cigarettes) out of my car as it was wide open.

But a single girl can never be too careful. I never open the door even in daylight, if I don't know you!

*Thats a pic of my little rescue, gooder (Magoo) desperatly waiting for me to wake up and play with him which is his new most favorite thing to do. Both wake me up at the butt crack of dawn, and playing.

Which you can watch a clip of here. I may or may not have been on the toilet for that. Don't judge.

Heres another one.

It's taken him 5 months to play!