Lock Down...

I've been broke, so that means I havn't been able to rely on alchohol to sleep for days. Um, this means that I can't sleep. And I am being forced to deal with my hateful feelings.

Instead, I lay and think about how much I hate exmanfriend. I don't mean, I'm sad about him hurting me. I mean, full on hate. This is not me at all, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I've never hated someone so much. I mean, the way he did it, yes...but the fact that he did it at all fills me up with anger.

I dream about killing him. I dream about being together, and instead of waking up sad I wake up angry. I toss and turn all night.

I had a 7 year shitty relationship with my ex husband, and he didn't summon this much hate in me. I think because the relationship was crap.

There was nothing wrong w/me and exmanfriend, and its the first time in my 34 years I thought I found "the one" and it was it for me. Without a doubt, trusted it 100%. That has never happened.

I push bad thoughts out of my head the second they come in, and the second after that, they come back. I visualize myself in white light, but two seconds later I see his stupid mug, or hear some bullshit thing he said to me.

Some maniac has hijacked my brain and I don't know how to get it back. I've never felt this angry before.

I think I should probably be locked up for a while and not leave the house. Who knows what this hateful me is capeable of, but my thoughts sometimes scare me. Its very uncharacteristic. I need a spiritual anema.