Matters of the Heart...

I think I slept a couple of hours last night. In between crying. There was a period of time when i didn't cry, and that was when someone from the past called me. This time it wasn't an asshole ex boyfriend.

It was my booty call....This was all before I met my manfriend, it went on for about a year, thats all it was and thats what we wanted at the time. I started to miss being in a relationship, and it never came up. When I met manfriend online, and we started talking, I stopped communications with the booty call. I told him I was dating someone. And then that I was in love with someone.

There were a couple of times he would text me on a sunday, and id say, im good, im still with my BF, im in love. That sort of thing. He sent me a text first, and when i told him i wasnt doing well, and he asked if it was bad, and i responded "matters of the heart" then he called me.

My own manfriend never called me.

He did happen to see us together (me and the manfriend) at a mutual friends party. And I never said hey manfriend, there is the guy I use to bang for kicks. Because thats classless. But the BC said last night that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.

They always come back, don't they? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I seem to have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men who one day decide they are stupid so they try to get back with me. I know I'm someones perfect girlfriend and wife. I have that in me. I need someone to appreciate it, not throw it all away.

I talked to BC for an hour and a half. He told me he was sorry I was going through what i was going through, and it was nice to get a males perspective on it. Which was, its a cop out on manfriend's part. If he really feels the way he says about me then he wouldn't walk away. He also said sometimes girls are more mature and we seem to have everything figured out in our heads, and guys have a hard time catching up.

Then he told me how he always thought I was a really great girl, and we had fun together, but it didn't go anywhere. I said eventually I wanted more. He told me I never told him that I did, and I never gave it a chance to go anywhere. I said we saw each other for an awful long time for it to not go anywhere.

I said if there is one thing you learn in life, its not to bring up wanting more to a man, it scares them away. I am old fashioned and always thought it was up to the guy to make those decisions. (shouldn't I have followed my own advice, and not brought up the M word to manfriend?) He said do you think theres a reason I called? I said to complicate things. Everything happens for a reason. He made me laugh. We talked about life, marriage, relationships, kids (puke), and the future. It reassured me that yes, I am in fact a great girl, and that manfriend is making a huge mistake.

BC said he just wasnt ready for a realtionship when we were hooking up, and I said I wasnt either at the time, I was fine with things the way they were. He said sometimes he can be hit with a good thing and not know it. Sometimes he has to get hit a few times. He hasnt had a relationship for a few years, because he got hurt. And said he doesn't miss what I'm going through.

I told him how I feel about manfriend, and that I'm definately not ready to hook up, or try anything else more serious. I would only transfer my emotions onto him and who would know if my feelings were real. I know what I want, and if I can't have it, I'll get over it some day. And I can move on then.

I always seem to be what every guy I date wants. But the timing is off. BC said that he is 33 and starting to think about the future, and that makes him think about me. Words I wish I could hear from the person I love.

I sent manfriend a long email. Everyone said it was good. But it laid it all out there. We're working on this or we arent. I can't have an in between. And he said he agrees we should get together and talk. And thats the plan for tonight. There is no real hope in the "we should talk" aspect.

I certainly don't want to be begging for him to take me back. But I want to honestly know if he wants this to work out. If he is not sure, he can fuck off. If he doesn't know what he wants, too bad for him. I do, and that gives me the option of finding it one day. Him? I honestly think hes going to be one of the guys that realizes he screwed up, and calls me when I'm with my new boyfriend.

And then I get a text this morning. Of course, my heart flutters at the hope it would be manfriend. It wasn't. It was the BC. He asked if I got any sleep and had good dreams. I told him no i didn't sleep very well at all, and he said he knows its rough, and to hang in there, he'll leave me alone for a while. Which, is what I need. Casual sex is a nice distraction, but it also fucks up your head big time when you have a broken heart.

There was a time when my manfriend use to ask me those things, Did I sleep well. How is my day. And now. I'm crying again. Love is grand.

I am looking at an apartment closer to work today. Hopefully two. If nothing else I need a fresh start. Too many memories at my place that I can't get over. And I need a distraction. A healthy distraction, something to focus on. I've been taking up space at work between smoke breaks a.k.a ive been useless.

The kicker...several of manfriends friends have messaged me that they think he is stupid, and one in particular told me I'm better off. I think that one sticks with me the most. Because it is almost as if he knows something I dont, and I'd like to explore that more. I want to ask manfriend about it but dont want to throw anyone under the bus in the meantime. I like to think maybe I'm better off because he doesn't know what he wants. Not because he did anything to hurt me behind my back.

But honestly that would make more sense than the reasons he gave me.