Broken...

And just like that I lost the greatest love of my life. Maybe I would have expected this if I had ever given an ultimatum. I was patient. Understanding. I knew from the get go he had problems from the past he needed to deal with. I was willing to wait.

He didn't want to hurt me. So instead he ripped out my heart. Don't we know how painless that is?

You don't find a love like we had every day. Even sobbing, I can't think of one thing to hate about him, except for the fact that he is a coward, and took the easy way out. We were always happy. Always laughing. Happy just snuggling on the couch. The way I felt in his arms was indescribable.

I have asked the question before, do you end a perfect relationship because he isn't sure about the future? He would tell me he saw us together. I am everything he wants. He told me today I am so good to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He told me he is holding me back. He needs to deal with his past hurts. I guess he can't do that with me. He said he wishes there was something else we could do, besides end it. Well there is but he wont live with me. He told me he needs an in between. When I'm sick he wants to come over and take care of me, but living far apart stops that from happening. He thinks it would help him move forward with me.

But in the same breath, it wasn't even given as an option. No chance. Obviously hes wanted to do this for a long time. It was hard for us. We cried. We sobbed. And eventually, he gathered everything he had at my house, and walked away. Out of my life. The best two years of my life have come to an end.

I have been crying for almost 12 hours. My mom gave me xanax and a nerve pill so I stopped for a while. I think he is afraid to be happy. He told me that he would say to himself that I was everything he wanted, and asked himself what is wrong with him that he cant move forward. Is it him or is it me?

You could ask anyone who knew us, they were all shocked. I really saw myself married to him. Rocking on the porch with him. Still chasing him around in a walker trying to pinch his buns. The truth is, my saying I wanted to marry him scared him. But I guess if he is too afraid to be happy he deserves whatever miserable box he puts himself into.

It makes no sense, and I really am starting to think there is someone else. You dont throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared. I was the girl I always wanted to be with him. I felt so loved. And loved so much. I gave freely of myself. I loved doing things for him and taking care of him. I trusted him completely, and never held him back from having his own life.

I supported all his decisions and always had his back. We were the two cutest people I've ever known. And I will miss that. I hurt. I miss him with every ounce of my body. I cant wait to run out of tears.

I was blindsided.

I'm confused.

But worst of all I'll never fall asleep in his arms again and wake up being so happy. I'm holding on to hope that he will wise up and come back. But I wish I wasn't. It's making this so hard. I sent him a message and his response was that he wished that it didn't have to end that way and that we could have come to a solution. Hes happy he learned to love again.

It sounds like all I was to him was a big fat lesson. And as I said before, he will learn from this and move on with the next girl that comes along.

With what I had. I just want to die.