Dreaming, and Sleep Deprivation....

I don't remember the last time I had a good nights rest. Oh, yes I do....about 3 weeks ago. I can't stand not sleeping. It isn't that I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. But I get home and my mind starts racing. That's why I was on drugs before, to stop the mind from thinking about everything other than sleep. How I have a million things to do, and no time to do it. It's awful. I'm cranky, and irritable. And frustrated! I can't really take any of my sleep meds, cus I work too late. But I took one last night. 2 hours later. I'm wide eyed and bitchy. I swear I have performance anxiety. I can't sleep. I have to, so that makes it harder!

I'm not myself. CP told me to make lists of what I'm thinking about and he will do them for me, just go to sleep he said. Well, then I worry that he won't do the stuff on the list, or wont do it right. Then I feel guilty for not spending time with my pets. I'm worried that I won't have money quitting my second job. I worry what will happen if CP loses his job. Or, leaves me. I can't depend on other people. It's not me. That's why I got 2 jobs in the first place. I am scared to death. I can't explain it any more clearly! So, I have trouble sleeping.

I also havn't had my period in 3 months. I think it's inevitable that I have to get back on the pill. Which I hate. Cus my Dr. told me I have to stop smoking in the next few years or she won't prescribe them to me anymore. Nothing like blackmail. No, I'm not having a crappy child, it's impossible for 'us' to do that. Not that I miss having it, but I'm convinced that is why I feel like I'm in a state of PMS all the time. And, what exactly happens to all that womanly business, if it isn't coming out? It kinda freaks me out!

My nerves are shot! my stomach is a mess. I can't eat without crapping. I can't sit without my heart racing. I can't barely do my job, worrying about quitting the second one. Who knew? I know it'll be wonderful having more time for myself. But the money....ugh. The money scares me. What if I get fired from job 1? It could happen. Then, I feel sick from crapping so much. I sorta feel like I have a stomach virus. Bird flu???? I'm only 30, could it really be time to put me out to pasture????

I had a crazy dream Sunday. It was 3 dreams I woke up from it 3 times, but had related dreams when I went back to sleep. CP had been hiding a bunch of kinky sex shit that he was into from me. Stuff I don't already know about. And one night he wanted to dress up like a woman. It freaked me out. He actually wanted to kill me, and I fled to my friend Kat's house. She lived on a farm. There were tons of lop-eared bunnies on the farm. It seemed safe. When I went back to sleep the second time, it was about me running from him. He was afraid I'd tell people his plans for me. He wanted me to love him despite all the weird sex shit.

The third time I went to sleep I dreamt that he told me he was kidding about all that weird stuff, and just wanted us to do the dew. So, I was all for it. Halfway through, 2 other girls came out of the CLOSET! One of them was my friend KAT!!! I was out of there!

I told CP and he thought it was funny cus he has a hard time keeping up with me let alone 3 women. Then the next day in real life Kat is asking me stuff about threesomes. I said thats freaky cus I dreamt you were in on a foursome with us!!!!!!! Dreams are crazy fucking things.

Do you have any re-curring dreams? I always dream about my teeth falling out. Vividly. I can feel the rough edge of my tooth as it loosens, and tongue at it like you did when you were a kid. I can taste the blood in my mouth. It starts with 1 or 2 teeth. But then I am usually spitting out mouthfuls of teeth into my hands, with a lot of blood. I'm always curious in my dream, as to why my teeth are falling out. It makes me cry. I usually lose the front ones first. Clearly I'm afraid of the dentist. But i've found different meanings for this dream. The only one that seems to match is fear of losing control. That's me alright!!!!