Baby Steps....

I don't really know what baby steps are. I am big into rushing things. Balls out. Running. Falling fast, falling hard. It's hard for me to conceive this "taking it slow thing" is really good for anyone, but "they" always say its good to do something different. I guess slow means its thought out. Slow means not doing what scares you until you are ready.

Slow probably also means...not saying you will move in, bringing your crap, and then moving it out while I'm working either.

This past weekend I felt a bit snubbed by the new guy because things weren't as I had expected them to be. You know...spending days upon days together. Of course nothing was wrong, but I had to start thinking what if's. I wasn't nearly as jam packed with friends this weekend, I spent time garage saling (for my vacay drinking money) and at home...SOBER (gasp). I think that made the fact that we didn't talk much..even more prevalent.

I threw around the idea of telling him I missed him. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if it scares him?
I had to remind myself, that myself missed him, and myself would tell him, and I had to let me be me, and not worry about what people think or say, cus then I'm not being me, I'm being scared... and just send the fucking message already. So I did.

We got together, and..he said he liked my message. I told him the whole me being me talk I had with myself. He also liked that. We talked about some of his apprehensions with "us". He really wants a family, and while we're not there yet, he wants to be sure the person he is serious about wants a family. He was pretty cute describing how he always wanted to provide for his family, and that's what he feels he is here for. His parents are still married. (what?) And when I said how the whole birth thing scares me, and how it would interfere w/my boob job, instead of agreeing it was a good idea, he told me he liked them how they are.

Which reminded me of Bridget Jones Diary when Mark Darcy likes her just as she is.....I want a Mark Darcy!

I told him how I havn't had a good family model. Being a single mom scares me. Struggling. No sleep. (what?) I told him I've gotten to the point with two people where I thought about a family.

The ex husband.
And exassholemanfriend.

Only two people I loved enough to spawn their demon seed for.

We talked about how hard it is to go from having a sexual relationship, to a real relationship. Its backwards. We skipped the dating part. He kept saying we need to take baby steps. I'm ok with that. Moving slow is definatly something I should learn more about.

The night ended with couch snuggling, and forehead kisses (awwwwe) and I must say in that moment I was content, smiling on the inside and the outside.

So of course I had a dream that exassholemanfriend sent me a summons to court over stuff he left at my apartment like, night vision goggles, and sued me for 9 grand. Then decided that instead maybe we could talk, cus he thought I might be lonley.

Just like him, once I am happy, to come back and fuck it all up. Even if its in my dreams. The difference is, this time, I'm not letting him.

Suck Balls...

So I noticed since I've been mobile that my facebook updates are less and less. Well that is because exassholemanfriends friends all unfriended me.

Its really no love loss.

He's carting around that new skanky hoebag to his family and friends, and the kicker is they dont even like her. The truth is, I never solicited information about that hoebag and him, people tell me. So, they can unfriend me. I really understand, because you always lose something in a break up. What did she gain...a guy who is dating her, and lurking around on dating sites behind her back.

Classic. She's a classy chick so thats what she gets.

It does makes me smile on the inside. I know I am not missing a thing. A man who can't stay faithful, and doesn't realize a good thing when he has it. Who dumped me because he was afraid to be happy.

So things I guess are progressing with the new guy. He said hes been single for so long because he hasnt found someone he clicks with. To me, this translates into, when he finds what he has been looking for, he will hold on to it, and not toss it aside because she lives too far away and he's afraid to move forward. (I don't, by the way, live too far away, ten minutes...)

He knows love doesn't come around every corner, and when you make a connection with someone, it means something. Maybe.

Living with a good heart, and compassion will always pay off. It's the law of attraction, and I put my 100% belief into it.

Being fat was better in ways...

Firstively..I'm mobile. I am working my way through adding all my fave blogs to google reader so I can now be on the up and up all the time. How awesome is being in the millenium 10 years late?

Pretty awesome!

Secondly, I've decided I need a tummy tuck. But not yet. Maybe after 20 more lbs. Because here is my when I was fat list:


I didn't have nearly as many wrinkles.
I didn't have cellulite
I didn't have boys i don't like, hit on me
I didn't have a stretched out stomach that looks like i gave birth to sextuplets
I didn't have incredible shrinking boobs
I didn't have boobs that I fear will become pancakes

And on the other side:

I couldn't run 4 miles a day
I didn't feel as happy
I wasn't the me I know and love

Which list is better? Maybe my pro fat list is too superficial?

This all came about because I was hanging with new guy last night (who brought me a bottle of the Rossi..my favie wine mmmmm that boys racking up points not to mention he has the most kissable lips in the...) and we were talking about the progression of our relationship.

I said you know when we first hooked up, I was really fat? He claims not to remember, but you don't forget when someone was 75lbs heavier. I was pork and beans, cus I'm not slim jim right now.

The cute thing was he pretended that he didn't notice. But I know better.

I do feel better losing weight. But the physical aspects of it are hard to overlook. Its sickening that you can treat your body so bad for years, and it isn't forgiving at all when you get on the right track.

Simply, happy, and thankful for my place in this world. So many good things come disguised as bad. I am where i'm meant to be.

And suddently..it's serious...

Wednesday I attended the open house, and meditation for the Shambhala group, and bought a book to read on that particular type of buddhism, and I will definatley be back to learn more.

After that .....I met up with the new guy.

I told him all about my night at the center, and he said he'd never judge me for my beliefs and was open to listening to me, and it spiraled a huge discussion about religion, which turns out we are both passionate about different things, but not in an over the top I'm right kind of way, which is awesome. During which, we laughed, and were serious, and laughed, and kissed.

My favorite thing about a person, is the ability to make me laugh, and make me think all at once.

It then sparked a conversation all about how he hasnt had a girlfriend in 5 years, and it isn't because he isn't a catch, but because he hasn't found a girl worth dating. No one he is interested in talking to, or able to hold a conversation. He thinks theres a reason we've been in each others lives the last 4 years and have tried "dating", and I agreed.

So, I came out and asked if he was seeing anyone, I'm not, should I take down my online profile, yes, you should. (I wouldn't want to be a ((insert exassholemanfriends last name here)) and actively peruse my profile while I'm dating someone)

And just like that...it got serious. And exclusive. And honestly, I couldn't be happier. We both like the direction its going, and the pace, which is slow.

Everyone else in our lives thinks this is it for us, and have been telling us that all along. But our timing was always off. One of us wasn't ready when the other one was. At first, neither of us even wanted to be ready, it was strictly a FWB type deal.

This time, we both are.

I hairdryed his pants someone spilled a drink on at a party last weekend, and he mentioned to me during our talk how awesome that was for me to do. Awesome? That's nothing. This boy is gonna fall head over heels for me, cus I'm one hell of a girlfriend!

I bet it's kinda like that Survivor song, the search is over, love was right before my eyes....

How's that for taking it slow?

Data Flirting...

Boy: So..I was wondering if I still make you nervous?

Girl: You do, a little, But I never said it was a bad thing.

Boy: I know, I remember you said I made you nervous... because you liked me..so, it's just a little?

Girl: The nervousness is just a little, the rest is more than a little. =)

Boy: I'm glad it's more than a little.

I advocate drinking...

I had a pretty fantastic weekend. Friday I went to the river with the girls for the only "authorized" (whatever this means) Aerosmith cover band. We pregamed at my homestead which turned into my drinking a bottle of wine, two shots of vodka, and a pucker shot (bleh). When we made our way down to the stage and started dancing, we got two giant beers, canned.

After the show we hoisted one of my girlfriends on stage to get her pic taken with the fake steve perry, and tried to get the roadies to come up off some scarves from the mic stand.

Obviously, I had too much to drink, so it sounded like a great idea to go to this sub place by my house for a yummy cream cheese, turkey, and bacon bagel, oh...and a side of saurkraut balls. I mean if you are going to blow a diet go all out. And if you are going to drink...don't have saurkraut balls. It didn't sit well.

Saturday, I went to my old neighbors house for a party, and festival, which included fried cheese on a stick, and froze mudslide pudding shots. Um...yea, those are pretty much my new favorite thing in the entire universe besides cheese, bread, sex, and cats.

I also spent a lot of time with my old male friend, that I have been seeing here and there, and we had a great time together, and got some misunderstandings cleared up, about where we were/weren't/headed/been. Communication!

Then he msged me Sunday what a great time he had with me. I knew he liked me as more than a "friend", it was totally obvious that night. And, yes, I do too, but I'm afraid to rush into anything, and we arent.

I have so much fun with him, we make each other laugh, and he's so easy to be with, and he's super sweet. We'll see.

All in all a fantastic weekend. Where I think I only thought about that asshole ex of mine when I was swinging a giant axe at an end table at the party. Ya know, making firewood. It was very refreshing, I highly recommend it!

I love fairy tales!!...

Once upon a time there was a girl, who was putting her laundry away, not terribly long after having her heart ripped out by a MASShole. (I'm bringing this back!)

She came across a pair of his boxers, that she use to love to wear, and had since their very first week of dating.

Then, she went out of her way to wipe her ass with them before she threw them away. True story.

That girl, might need a lesson on...moving on, but I bet inside she felt pretty good for a second.

You might not be "over it" if...

1) You picture bashing his face in

2) You picture running him over with your car

3) The thought of him fills you with rage

4) You wish his dick would fall off from some non disease realted issue (unless said issue was acquired after you broke up)

5) You come up with many -isms, and relate every bad person, or bad situation to his name in some way.

6) You dream on more than one occasion that you may have stuffed him in a trunk

7) You are happy he is dating someone, and cheating on them

8) You want to bash his face in. I said that? oh....

9) You found a pair of his boxers in your underwear drawer, and you actually went out of your way to wipe your ass with them before throwing them away.

10)