ups...

I had a great time this weekend. Last Friday I had a much needed girls night. I met my friends at All Fired Up, a pottery place, to make spoooooky halloween plates, and drink wine. Then we went to have cocktails at the bar nearby, and some laughs.

And left to another bar, and had more laughs. Two of my girlfriends had never heard shewolf by shakira. What is their problems? I really enjoyed my cherry vodka and club sodas at the Firehouse cus they gave me cherries in my drink. Life is a bowl of cherries you know.

Saturday I picked up my new glasses, which made me feel woooozie cus its a totally new script. I went shopping with my Mom and her sisters, had dinner with them all, and backed into a telephone pole like a total asshole. I didnt see it even after I hit it. At first I thought....."omg I hit someone, and they are dead".

You cant even on my super car. Dodge. Like a rock. Wait, is that ford? I dunno....

That night I went to see my cute manfriend. When I'm with him it doesnt seem to bother me that we have no future. We went to a nerd convention at a hotel, and one of his friends in a nerd group called "barfleet" (yes, after starfleet from star trek...) had a party. It was a lot of fun but I'd catch myself laughing as I looked around at all the costumed people and thought....this isn't a halloween party.

They enjoy dressing up. Its their thing. It was a Live Action Role Playing thing. Did I mention there was free liquer, and dancing? Yea, um, dancing.

So, the manfriend and I have talked about "us" many times and he says stuff like "if we lived together....." and "im not ready and i cant say when i will be" " i see a future with you but im not ready now" and refers to us being old and grey together.

But its all talk. I understand being burned, but havn't we all? I dont like having conversations where nothing changes and to be honest, I'm afraid to end an amazing relationship because we may just want different things. I've never done that. Ive had shitty relationships that ended cus they were shitty.

Obviously, I'm dating a commitment phobe. I was with my ex husband for 7 years. He did a lot of crappy things to me, and we were volatile at the end. But I don't punish manfriend for it. Its in the past. I'm still paying for what his past has done to him. That's not fair.

I love him and hes good to me, and the fact that I want something he says he isnt ready for....scares me. So I keep stalling. I don't want to push him away. But seriously, after two years, I think you know where it is going. And we have had an amazing two years, it isn't like it's been questionable.