It's All About Me! Deal With It!

Single girl in the Dojo...

2012-01-25T07:55:00.006-05:00

My MMA instructor has an adorable resemblance (but much so much cuter, and has the most amazing green eyes *swoon*) to Jay Mohr. But more karate-like, and awesome. He teaches all the martial arts classes....so he's not the typical beefcake MMA guy.

It is pretty hot to watch him take someone down in a second flat...and maybe I have a thing for dominance?

Probably, because couple that with the Asian traditions, bowing, "yes sir's" when given an order, and calling him "master (insert cute boys name here)", mix them all together, and you have a recipe for disaster, waiting to bubble over one day and explode.

This week, he was sporting about a two day scruff, and looked extra dreamy. The lesson was how to take each other down. Get someone in a hold by the head, yank it to the side, and sweep their legs, bam! Down for the count, then you had to keep them there. Oh yea. (sidenote, my girlfriend and I had the most fun tossing each other! Knowledge..not power is the key to MMA!!)

I got to be the target and he showed me how to do it by um...taking me down, personally. I think I was blinded by the fact that this super cute boy cradled my head, and tossed me like a 5lb. sack of flour onto the ground in two seconds flat, and layed on me so I couldn't move.

I think I saw cartoon hearts when I lay there..because just as he got up, and leaned down to assist me to my feet, I kicked up my legs to stand up on my own, and well......kicked him right in the face.

No, that wasn't a defense move we should use in class.

File this in the "this can only happen to me" category....

Oh but it gets worse! I get home to shower, and notice a nice hole in the crotch of my pants. not a small one either. Does one wear underpants to workout? Heck no. I pretty much flashed my vag all night.

Um.. and there are young boys in that class, I'm totally a pervert!

I'm considering dying of embaressment instead of going back.

Slick, I am not.

The Dating Game...

2012-01-23T18:03:00.005-05:00

Sometimes you don't have to be looking for something, cus it's already there....right? That's what "they" say.

I've reconnected with a very old high school friend this past year on face book. We have been talking for several months as friends, and then the comments became messages, became chats, became texts, and the texts became very frequent 6 hour phone conversations. Six hours was the shortest one.

The talks turned to flirting, and as a result..we have a date in two weeks. To make it less "datey" we are having a double date. To see if there is an in person spark, without it feeling so pressured to be so.

It's hard to find someone you can laugh so much with, share ideas with, "get", and have so many old memories together. We went to school together (he's older...) worked our first jobs together, and had a lot of great late nights at Taco Bell, being on the closing shift. Two of my best girlfriends even dated his brothers for a while, back in middle school.

I normally wouldn't "go" for him I suppose if I saw him on the street.... but having spent so long being friends, I know at least, if nothing else, I am going to have an amazing time, and tons of laughs. Personality-wise, he is everything I am attracted to. And I am very...picky!

You never know what can happen. And if nothing else, I have an amazing new friend that I havn't seen in *17 years*.

How I Had My Ass Handed to Me by a 13yo...

2012-01-19T19:30:00.004-05:00

So, how does one feel after thai fighting against a 13yo male orange belt, and with, I guess, minimal contact, and basically knowing nothing?

Well, they feel like they had the shit kicked out of them, that's how. It hurts to breathe, cough, talk, move.......hell, it hurts to "be". I am bruised, have mat burn, and parts of my body I wasn't sure I even had are screaming out in pain!

I swear to god my guts are bruised. My guts! Stretching, continuing with runs, hot baths, advil, heating pad.....check, check, check, and check.

(what I really want is a bottle of wine to ease the pain but I've re-dedicated myself to weekend only drinking....sigh...)

I feel like I've been run thru the ringer!! And I consider myself to be in pretty good shape, I work out 7 days a week for at least an hour!

Due to it taking me an hour to drive 6 miles from work in the snow I missed my second class, but I'll be geared up for the even longer class on Saturday. (help me!)

I guess my point of this post is, if you think you are in good shape, try something new. I went from almost dying after 50 jumping jacks to belting out 1,000 in a row plus a 30 minute boot camp class, and I feel like total shit right now. MMA wasn't "harder" it requires more skill, technique, power, and brain function, but physically boot camp felt worse.

Until the next day.

Oh, and reason 678,795,124 not to have kids. I'm pretty sure that my uterus was one of my major organs to suffer damage after my first class.

How Mixed Martial Arts will change my life...

2012-01-17T21:01:00.005-05:00

After class, I was singing this song. True Story...

First of all, we don't wear the traditional uniforms of karate. I do however have to wear a uniform consisting of no shoes (someone should have told me this, I'd have gotten a pedi first....) gloves, black pants, and a bad-ass tshirt with the dojo name, and the words "MMA train like a champion" on the front and back. Heck. Yea.

I told my girlfriend, I'm totally wearing this out, it's a conversation starter!

The class, well they paired me up with a 13 year old. I was afraid to kick or punch him too hard, until the instructor had me hold the shield, and pounded my side a few times really good to show me that I can't hurt the kid. Did it hurt? Yea, a lil bit. But, it'll strengthen my core!

I even got so into it I got nauseus when we had to "kick our partner" across to the other side of the room and back, and then knee them to the ribs.

I was slow, and always forgot to block my head. And if I were in a real fight, tonight I'd be brain dead, I can't count the number of times the instructor came to "hit me in the head" to remind me I was open.

The round off of my fabulous experience with MMA is that me and my girlfriend are the only girls in the class. Yea. A sea of men that are bad-ass. (ok and some kids too...) Chances are high that I just may meet the future Mr. Me in my MMA class. Imagine the stories. "we fell in love after she kneed me to the ribs". And, if you are mad at them? Take it out in class!

Having been single for a while now, this is also a good way to get out any "frustrations" that may arise from, well, being single.

This is an all around fabulous addition to my life! I got a good workout, had fun, and I have a new goal! Breaking a board! Yes!

Don't eff with me people I'm training to be a Thai fighter!

Choosing my next path...aka becoming an ass kicker...

2012-01-10T07:16:00.009-05:00

All the running I've been doing solo, got me thinking about self defense. I mean, I have a can opener (old school) and a whistle, but really if someone tried to steal me, I have no idea what I'd do. 99% of my outdoor runs are done solo. What does one do?

I still can't believe its January in Ohio...I could get use to this. Especially since I am trying to keep up running thru the winter! I took the city side of the towpath this past weekend.

This is my beautiful city. Sure, we have crackheads, but we also have a nice picnic area too!

I had to stop when I, for the first time in my 36 years, traveled over a hi-way overpass. This kinda scared me to take this picture.

And, because he's handsome..Mr. Magoo

So, I joined an MMA (mixed martial arts) class. I start next Tuesday. Helllls. Yea. I'll be learning the self defense art of Muay Thai. I'm going to be so bad-ass it isn't even funny! I'm also certain this will help me develop my core strength which has been my winter goal for the upcoming beach season! I originally called about kickboxing, but this sounds way more interesting!

I've been looking for something I will enjoy doing, for weight loss maintenance, in addition to running. because I gave up boot camp for many reasons, but mostly because It's becoming monotonous.

I am so excited to not only learn how to take someone down, but learn how to not be taken down! The best part for me, is you can earn your black belt. So it's something to work towards, to keep it interesting!

As a bonus, I look forward to some male type eye candy as well...can you blame me?

Deep Thoughts....

2012-01-08T17:50:00.007-05:00

Latley, I have been wondering when "I'm still getting over my ex" stops being what protects people from my hurting them by letting them fall for me, and then unjustly comparing every little thing to how it doesn't feel nearly as good as it did with exmanfriend....and when it becomes something that is only hurting me, by keeping people out of my heart.

Today, my Mom even said, "if you love him so much you should just be with him". As if it were all up to me. Plus, I haven't forgotten his aversion to committment, a.k.a the great heart break of 2011. I haven't.

So, I have been operating under the assumption that I will simply know when it is ok to move on. Not that I haven't tried.

My heart is just not ready to let go, even after all this time.

Happiness is...Smart People...

2012-01-06T18:59:00.006-05:00

I am usually a pretty smart girl. I know my way around computer software, I'm Microsoft certified for fucks sake.

At work a girl made one singular change to an access query that jacked up exactly 9 tables, and 15 linked queries that we base countless reports on.

blah blah, boring computer talk, and software lingo no one cares about.....etc...etc...

I spent a couple of hours trying to figure out why it happened, and then I thought to myself "self, you work for a ginormous company, and there is an entire department dedicated to backing up everything you do".

*So, I called the help desk, and had the freaking file restored to the way it was yesterday at 5:00pm. Cue celebratory music, people lifting me up on their shoulders, and carrying me around, a corporate hero......I earned my salary today with that one. That's why I'm the boss.

Today I am thankful for people way smarter than me, and, that lovely 4 digit extension I can call any time I, or someone I know fucks something up.

I wish there was a help desk extension for life. Imagine how awesome I would look then!

*(This also comes in handy when you "accidentally move a folder full of stuff somewhere because you clicked on it, and have no idea where it wound up. Not that I know first hand or anything.)

Winter Running..

2012-01-03T18:25:00.007-05:00

Not only did I never think I would be a "runner" but I certainly never thought I would be one of those crazy assholes running in the snow. I mean, who does that? But I finally got my first taste of it when we had our first official Ohio snow this past weekend.

My best friend/running partner is ever the optimist, where I am not...with running. So she is my Suzy sunshine, and I love her for it. When I complained about how bad it hurt to be pelted in the face with ice crystals, (Even though I only have about 2 inches of skin showing) how my ear bud wires were iced over, how I had an having an ever-running nose, soaked shoes, and a numb butt, she said "think about all those people sitting on their asses on the couch while we are out here burning calories, 80% of the population would never get out and do this" I smiled, thru the pain, and I kinda felt exclusive.

So I agreed to an extra mile.

Plus, we are lucky enough to live mere miles from all the beautiful metro parks, and running trails in the area. Not many people can walk to such beautiful places.

We took a quick stop at beaver marsh, because this big white goose was hanging out with the Canadian geese, and when we pointed out that "one of these things was not like the other" he really did look as though he'd been found out. Animals are so funny...

While a 6 mile outdoor run is always challenging for me, a 5 mile in a snowstorm, was really hard. You can see here, my friend kept going while I lagged behind at a slow jog for a few minutes.

At the end of our run (which included an off-trail urine break, which was also not enjoyable) we had icicles on our eyelashes, wet clothes, and frozen feet. (I need to invest in better winter gear for sure)

In conclusion, I really was proud of myself that I didn't miss my daily run due to weather.

Sure, I could have gone to work and used the gym, but there really is something about being outdoors, waving at other crazy runners as you pass, (I was always jealous of how motorcyclists had this exclusive wave too....) and connecting with nature, that a treadmill just can't offer.

I still wouldn't classify myself as one of those people who enjoys running, or experiences the elusive "runner's high". But I do enjoy the peace, the calorie burn, the way it makes my body look, and how I feel when I am done doing something only 20% of the population is willing to do.

New Year...

2012-01-01T11:07:00.011-05:00

It's a whole brand new year! I spent my New Years Eve far different than any other in the past.

Which was fitting, because I ended the year as a whole new me. Certainly physically, but also, mentally.

I went for a run. And, as usual, took in the beautiful scenery, appreciated my time to process my thoughts, and smiled at the deer eating on the trails. Finding the beauty in nature is something that calms me and brings me back to my center, each time. My meditation..

My menu was rotisserie chicken, a few saurkraut balls, and dawali. Washed down with pink moscato champagne. (which I hope to find throughout the year, as it is quite delicious) Far different from New Years past, where I ate whatever was available, because...it was.

I rang in the new year with my pets. I thought not having plans and being "the only single girl in the crowd" would be depressing. But that was the old me. I am my own best company. I really enjoyed cooking for myself, having my favorite drinks, watching my redbox movies, (omg, Warrior was a suprisingly touching movie!!) and not having to worry about driving. (Plus I had an 8 am appt with the internet guy to fix my DSL on NY day....)

I rang in my new year kissing my best man ever, my Mr. Magoodle.

I don't like to make "resolutions" but, I do vow to continue on my path of self improvement. Both mental, and physical. I set goals for myself every day and I often surpass them. It's way more fulfilling to me this way.

I may have suffered "the great heart break" in 2011, but as I often say, I learned so much from it, and I have set my bar high. I know how I want to feel when I am with someone again, and if not for experiencing all I did with exmanfriend, I wouldn't know it was possible to be so happy.

This girl, knows she is a prize, and she is done with settling.

"Doing Me" has turned out to be the best decision I have made this past year. Being "alone" isn't really alone when you love yourself. You find your own interests, and things you enjoy doing by yourself. The icing on the cake is having amazing friends and family to fill in the holes you sometimes need to jump over.

When I meet the future Mr. Me, he is going to be extra in love with me for getting all my little shit together, to combine with getting my big shit together. I'm not in a rush, because I have actually found my self worth in 2011. And that makes for setting your standards...way high for a partner.

I hope 2012 brings you all that you dream of. Because, everyone, deserves their dreams to be reality.

Motivation...

2011-12-26T20:01:00.012-05:00

This is how I felt the day after Christmas. Lazy.

Magoo was tired from all the Christmas excitement.

All I wanted was for someone to run with me because I needed motivation. No one wanted to go. And for myself, ater a day off working out, and eating a bunch of crap, I just didn't wanna. And lets not mention all the boxed wine I had partaken in.

Then I remembered, motivation is from within, and I didn't lose 65 lbs by someone making me do it, and so I got my lazy ass out and ran 6 miles, it was a beautiful day.

I couldn't believe the ice skating pond is still inhabited by ducks. It's been unseasonably warm in Ohio.

And the waterways are still flowing freely.

I felt amazing afterwards. So then I took Magoo on a two mile walk to tucker him out again so he was peaceful. (you'd never know he was 5 or 6)I rented Winnie the Pooh, and Judy Moody and the not bummer summer. I donned my Hello Kitty pajamas, and drank chardonnay out of my new wine glasses, and pretended I was 10 again.

Not that I was drinking wine at 10. I'm making up for lost time now.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Christmas Wishes...

2011-12-23T08:30:00.004-05:00

I still believe in Santa. To me it is just in the form of the great and powerful universe. (or God, if that's your thing) And it is with us year round.

So, no matter your age, still make your wishes, believe your dreams, and don't settle for anything less than what your true heart desires.

I remember a time like that. When I was a kid. I think most of us can remember being footloose and fancyfree, as children. Before we knew any different than to care what people thought. When your favorite popsicle flavor made your week, not because it was a popular choice, right, or wrong, or because your friends chose it, but because it was what you really wanted.

Time sometimes makes us lose sight of these things.

My goal this year is to be more in tune with my inner self.

I want to appreciate all that I have brought into my life, intentional, or not, because I have learned from each and every choice I have made.

I want my heart to smile, so the rest of me can follow suit. I want my choices to be mine.

Whether this is a ridiculously expensive coffee maker, new shoes...a cell phone you don't think you can afford, a new puppy, or love....I hope everyone gets what they most desire this this year, not because it is right or wrong, because you want it.

"So in your Christmas prayers this year Alfie asked me to ask you to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood, and those that live there too..."

This video from the Muppets Christmas (John Denver) is by far my favorite childhood Christmas story and sums up my post perfectly.

..Alfie the Christmas tree...

Getting older is better with friends...

2011-12-20T20:44:00.016-05:00

There's me, in the plain black top, you know, the one with the drunk eyes.

These are the girls that rung in the big 36 with me, dancing the night away until my hair was completely soaked in sweat, and dripping at the ends. I couldn't have asked for a better night. My drinks were bought for me, (a gay bar is the best ego boost, the men and women both aim to please, and don't care who the hell you dance with!) and we heard "in da club" by fiddy cent...really, it doesn't take much to make my dreams come true!

Our DD got shitfaced, and when we went to eat next door, and she "had to pee" we found her at the bar attached to the deli, dancing with a random stranger. I love my friends. And, the fact that a cab ride home is only 5 bucks from my favorite dancing bar!

When I finally got home at 4am and let my dog out, I fell down my back three steps, and bruised my ass cheek. The only thing I can say is at least it wasn't my tail bone, so I can still sit, and sleep on my left cheek. Running... has been especially painful! I then tucked said DD in safely on my couch after a heartfelt talk that lasted until the wee hours!

What a bitch, all night I danced my ass off in my new high heeled knee high boots, (high heels and boots are new to me) and didn't fall. And I fell barefoot on my back steps.

And since I like to look at the bright side...at least I didn't fall in public, right?

I went back to work today to a desk covered in presents. I love working for VP's, they are so kind! I made out like a bandit, and I can't wait to spend all my gift cards!

Time Marches on...

2011-12-16T20:35:00.005-05:00

So, one of the things I had planned to do on my time off was to get my nails done and lunch with friends. Awesome, it feels great to have nails again!

What I didn't plan on doing, was getting a new phone.

I've been quite attached to the blackberry for some time. But, yesterday, against my better judgement, I still ran 4 miles outside, alone, in the cold, after a day of watching red box flix. And as usual I had the blackberry stashed in my sports bra, one, in case I'm injured or abducted, two, until my new mp3 player comes in the mail for my service on the job (heck, yea!!) its my source of music while on said runs.

My blackberry has now died. I sweated one too many times into its delicate parts.

The best part about this is I ordered a new phone online and had it delivered to a store, where my ex bf of over 6 years is still the manager. Enter me, half the size I use to be, partnered with the cutest phone sales man you would ever see, and her best friend. Who, kept laughing at ex bf and telling me he was looking at us. (because you are staring and laughing, I say!)

Said best friend told me to take off my "puffy coat" so he could see what he's missing, and I did, because, lets be honest, every girl wants the ex to see how awesome they are after they break up, right? Even if there isn't a prayer in the world that would make me go back to him. (he was a super nice guy, we just fell out of love)

I had gotten up early, did my make up, and put on a cute outfit with some cute shoes, and I felt like a million bucks.

I spent my hour laughing and flirting with the sales guy (which is a new thing I am trying out) and I had fun! Sales guy asked what we were laughing about, i said "I use to date those we dont speak of yearrrrs ago" and he asked if i wanted him to bring him over to ask a question. Best friend was fighting me on this decision but I said NO!

The best part of this hour, was when he took the blackberry to transfer my contacts...."has this gotten wet recently?" he asked.....I replied "yes, i stick it in my sports bra when i run" and he laughed, shook his head, and took it in the back. Now, that's a good salesman! He didn't drop it in disgust!

Cute sales guy closed our hour long meeting with telling me to come back anytime with questions, and to call first to see if those we dont speak of is working.

The downside of this whole ordeal, is...I now have a droid phone. And a touch screen. And long fingernails. I feel somewhat retarded trying to master texting. And that makes me sad

Another Year Older...

2011-12-14T08:00:00.002-05:00

It's my birthday. I'm 35 again. I think from now on, I'm sticking with 35. And I am taking time off of work the next 5 days.

I came into work, to a cubicle festively Birthday decorated in American Horror Story...I might have a slight obsession problem? And...the best employees!

I'm spending my time off Christmas shopping, getting some outdoor miles in, indulging in Chipotle (with guacamole!!!), drinking wine, taking Mr. Magoo to the dog park, cleaning for my birthday weekend, pampering myself by getting my nails done, drinking wine, lunching with my best friends, having a massage (my first EVER) drinking more wine, checking my work email, and dancing the night away with my girlfriends!

All things to remind me that being single is pretty damned awesome when you have a great group of people to help you through the tough times! And my ladies have had a long road with this girl!

I'll round the weekend out by spending my Monday entirely in my pajamas watching old American Horror Story episodes (in preparation for the FINALE!!!).

And... considering where I spent my last winter vacation (jail) these plans may as well be a trip to the Carribbean! (maybe if I had a sunlamp, that would help the facade...)

The universe even gave me a birthday smile was when I was carded for smokes (this never gets old) and the cashier gave me a weird look I said "it's not Lewinski, if that is what you are gonna say" ((my name is almost exactly like Monica Lewinsky, and is the #1 comment received any time anyone sees my name. I'm writing a book one day...)) "No" he says "I didn't think this was you, you look totally different"

Booya, I got my first post weight loss nod on the old ID. I told him he made my day.

Also, I'll give you reason 567,789,234 not to have kids. I have an entire 5 days dedicated to whatever the hell I wanna do, whenever the hell I wanna do it!

On that note, since it is MY Friday...Cheers to the freakin' weekend, fellow bloggers!!

Cold is for the birds....

2011-12-11T19:51:00.003-05:00

After braving the cold and ice the last two days and running, I have been on a mission to find warmth for running, lest I forgoe it altogether, and find myself starting at square one come spring. (my running partner actually bought me snow tires!!... little spikey things for my running shoes to ensure I keep it up thru winter...wish me luck!)

I bought thermals, warm socks, new gloves, an ear warmer, and my friend got me a gaitor that really helps for breathing!

I also recruited a new running partner from bootcamp, so when my usual friend cant come, I have another person! Plus, it makes me feel pretty awesome to run with a beginner, who thinks I make running look easy.

I find nothing easy about running!

I make stalking a good thing...

2011-12-07T07:23:00.003-05:00

I have been known to stalk famous people in my presence, in order to meet, and have a photo op. Did you know I was on Bret Michaels tour bus? Hmm?

My latest stalking endeavor includes our local Akron UPS delivery guy. Who, was just leaving my house on computer delivery day as I drove up! I had to pull in and follow him to the Walgreens a few blocks away, and though he said he wasn't suppose to release deliveries that way, I drove off with my new Dell laptop!! Score!

Maybe I'll learn to use these feminine wiles to my advantage one day, on the romance front.

My new computer is like heaven. Welcome to the millenium, me, where you can watch a 3 minute youtube video without a 5 minute buffer. This is what life is all about!

I got to meet the great Tom Green...

2011-12-05T09:20:00.006-05:00

I get to add Tom Green to the list of people I have stalked and successfully had a photo op with. The list is long.

And, because Magoo is the cutest dog ever, and his pictures with Santa and dog park tuckered him out, I give you "arm rest".

Lonley Swedish....

2011-12-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

I'm going to see Tom Green tonight at Pickwick and Frolick in the big city of Cleveland. Where my two best girlfriends and myself, will sing the bum bum song
the entire way there, and laugh stupidly about various show episodes until we cry, because that is what we do.

This is probably most exciting to only a handful of people, who actually enjoyed his show on MTV. Where he was the original antagonizer of his parents for the cameras. (screw the skateboarding jackass posers who copied it from him)

I wondered if Glen Humplick would be there, but I heard he doesn't leave Canada, eh?

I am wearing my knee high boots (with jeans of course...but I'm still wearing them cus like sexy underwear they make me feel good even if no one else knows I'm wearing them!) and my new top, and freshly coiffed hair!

There will be dancing at the square to close the night. (my favorite gay bar!)

Did I mention enjoying singlehood?

Miss Self-Sufficient....Miss Keep Your Distance...

2011-12-01T09:29:00.007-05:00

First things first! I ordered a new laptop this week, as the diagnosis of my dead Vaio is...the motherboard took a dump. (Cue doom and gloom music) And, I only know this is bad because when I dropped it off the guy said "worst case scenerio, it's the motherboard" soooo...

For $160 I can fix a very old laptop that was loaned to me by a dear friend...or for $70 more (and free shipping!!!), I can own my very own refurbished dell laptop w/a dual core processor! (I also have no idea what this means, but aforementioned friend said it means it is faster than the one she loaned me)

The result? I have checked my order status on said laptop approximately 10 times since I've ordered it, and that was only yesterday. Partly to head off the crackheads from stealing it upon delivery, but mostly because its my first very own computer purchase and I'm super excited!

After such a high, I'm was in dress barn, utilizing my birthday discount (I'll be 35 again soon doncha know..) where I uttered these words to the sales lady in a totally serious manner...

"Yes, I'm looking for a cute holiday top, for pictures with Santa this weekend. So far, I think my dog is either wearing a red sweater, or a reindeer costume." She didn't even bat an eyelash, and we got a super cute top! Black, and sparkly, it'll match whatever we find Magoo!

What's more, Mr. Magoo and I both have hair appointments on Saturday, for said holiday photo. Score!

See, I don't need a romantic interest to be happy. I am a happy person with a tiny obsession with my dog.

I fully believe when the future Mr. Me is ready to come into my life, he will. I am happy that I'm able to enjoy the time to myself, as I am so obviously meant to! (No matter how pissed off this makes anyone who I think I was casually dating, and he thought we were getting married....), the fact is "I'm doing me" (I love this seemingly ghetto phrase!)

I'm entitled to enjoy my "me time" and more importantly, for the first time, EVER, it is because.... I made the choice.

I simply won't settle for less than the (as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently stated) "zsa zsa zu" and until that crosses my path....

I have lots of interests to take up my time, a core to strengthen, 13.1 miles to achieve, muscles to build, and friends, and family to enjoy laughs with!

I have a very blessed existence partly because I can recognize that I do.

Backslide...

2011-11-25T11:15:00.006-05:00

So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

Nice Guys Always Finish Last...

2011-11-18T13:26:00.003-05:00

I dunno that I believe in the saying "Nice guys finish last". I also don't believe that when we die we all float into the clouds and meet up with family members, but don't get me started on all of that mess.

I don't know what it is that makes a woman question her own sanity, because a "nice guy" is into her, and she isn't into him. I don't think it has anything to do with being nice. Or, needing drama in one's life. (which, some people do, "hello, my entire 20's.....? anyone?!")

By a woman, I mean me. Yes, I have a nice guy who really likes me a whole lot, and puts a lot of effort into seeing me, and wants to take me out and spend time with me, but I'm just not that into him.

I don't know why. And I don't know that I have to know why? Do I? I'm just not! And I am leaning towards that being enough. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling.

I keep thinking, oh its going to just come along, I'm going to realize that, and he's going to blow my mind some day. I'll realize that he's good for me. But, I don't think I'm the kind of girl who wants to settle for "he's good for you". I mean, I still have all my teeth, my looks, and good health. I think that's the sort of thing you settle for when you are pushing around an oxygen tank, looking for someone to change your diapers.

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they settle. They lie to themselves. They let other people decide what they want. They sell themselves short. Deny what is deep in their hearts. Take what they have, and try to believe its all they want. Or, foolishly believe that by not falling in love, they are not getting hurt.

For me, love may still be in the form of exassholemanfriend, but ultimately I want the kind of love I felt when we were together. I still have no idea if this means him, or if I am holding on to these hopes because I want to feel like that again.

Having had that, makes me want to strive for it that much more. And makes me even less excited to spend time with someone I only like in a friendly way.

I want the electricity. The butterflies. The passion. The giddieness. The sillyness. The closeness. The feeling that everything will be ok. Feeling like in that persons arms is where you belong, and the feeling of contentment that comes with it, still brings tears to my eyes.

I'm not afraid to put my heart out there. Because despite how much it hurt to fall so far from that high, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, to feel those feelings with someone again.

I think we all can. If we just dare to believe, that we can.

*Hello, universe, take the hint, and bring me my future Mr. Me.

The Meek...

2011-11-16T10:40:00.003-05:00

My laptop died. So I am contemplating making possibly one of the stupidest moves in the universe, and going to Wal Mart on Black Friday at midnight for a new one. I have never, ever....even been near a store on Black Friday.

If you never hear from me again, I was pummeled to death by some horrible woman wearing clothes that don't fit, dragging around 5 screaming children, trying to snatch up my HP laptop deal!

I'm terrified of Wal Mart on a normal day. So I am not sure what I am thinking. I am not mean. I am not aggressive. Those people will chew me up and spit my laptop-less butt out on the sidewalk!

I keep imagining how nice it would be to just go to HH Gregg, and finance a brand spanking new flat screen TV, and laptop 6 months same as cash, and not deal with the Black Friday mess at all.

The latter is sounding more and more exciting.

Are you going to shop on Black Friday?

Sin-Gal...

2011-11-09T09:13:00.002-05:00

What's new and exciting for the (soon to be) 36 year old single gal?

Well, um, I've got a trash can full of (the giant sized) moscato bottles that I'm not entirely proud of, more like embaressed, and slip 1 or 2 a week into the trash. Because for some reason, I care what the trash man thinks of my clinking bottles.

At this rate, I'll be on hoarders in a year. I'm drinking way more than 1 or 2 (giant sized) bottles of moscato a week.

I got the company suite this weekend for a Lake Erie Monsters game. "But don't you hate sports?" Yes, but I really enjoy sitting in that cushy room enjoying free beverages, and pretending to be better than the other 15 people at the game that night. And maybe....just maybe....getting to see a fight! (Hockey is not a big thing in Cleveland, which is why I always seem to get the tickets to the suite....)

Plus, you won't find the future Mr. You, sitting at home drinking Moscato and passing out by 10pm on a Friday night. You have to get out. See, and be seen! Go home disappointed, like every other person in the world.

I had asked TDH to go with me a few weeks ago, but I have since decided it to make it a girls night, and invited friends. Kind of a douche move, but hey, I sort of enjoy this "male type" behavior. I'll have way more fun anyway. I am wondering what I should tell him if he asks why I changed my mind. I'm not really wondering at all. That's a lie.

The ladies and I are also going to eat at Mongolian BBQ. Another one of the places plagued by memories with exmannfriend, and avoided at all costs whenever making the big trek to Cleveland..now it is going to be reinvented with my awesome girlfriends!

Look at me! Embracing singlehood!

One bottle at a time.......

Technology has beaten me...

2011-11-06T21:31:00.004-05:00

So I got my adorable Ford Fusion almost a month ago. It came with the Microsoft Sync system, which in short allows you to talk to your car. You tell it to make calls, read texts, and play your music using your cell phone.

I have spent every free minute of the past month trying to figure out how to use it. I've come to the conclusion that while it may just be a novelty to talk to your car and make calls, and read/send text messages....I still want to listen to my freaking music stored on my phone.

I have read the manual. And spent countless hours watching you tube how to's on syncing your phone with your car.

The woman that speaks to you, whom they call "Samantha" has become a horror dream voice in my head.

Since when is owning a car something that you need to hire a geek to figure out? I made it as far as to realize that my blackberry only accepts a 4 digit pin number, but the Fusion wants to give me a 6 digit number for my bluetooth. Supposedly there is a workaround, but I'm thinking in 2013 I'll finally go hands-free.

In other news, Mr. Magoo just loves the new car as it comes with a perfect puppy head rest.

And, I may have spent the best $1.97 on this clearance chicken costume for him...even if it was only for one picture.

P.S. he may not be my biological son, but I'm pretty sure he is the only one I'll have, so this makes dressing him up OK.

It's rough being so cute...

2011-11-04T19:13:00.001-04:00

We attended a pet party this past weekend at One of a Kind Pets rescue, where I adopted the handsome Mr. Magoo two years ago.

Magoo just loves all things animals, and he makes fast friends wherever he goes. He was once, in this very same dog pen. Sitting all alone, sullen, and scared.

After getting photographed, sniffing butts, wagging tails, play bowing, and peeing on the toy display, he promptly went over to the excited beagle puppies, and laid down next to them, while they very excitedly howled, pawed at, and kissed his sweet little face.

I like to think that in his own little shih-poo way he was saying...."hey guys, just be patient, after being abused in a puppy mill for four years, getting adopted and returned twice, I finally got my furrever home, and you will too".

He's pretty much the love of my life. And, as sad as it may sound, I'm totally ok with it.

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

2011-11-01T11:19:00.003-04:00

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

Halloween...

2011-10-30T11:25:00.008-04:00

Did you have fabulous Halloween festivities?

The angel and her handsome shih-poo. (he just looks scared, he really wasn't)

A drunk angel

All in all a fabulous night with my lady friends. Who all told me I was going to meet my future husband at one of the parties we were attending. Then, when I did actually meet someone, I was whisked off, just like Cinderella from the ball...only instead of my pretty furry shoes, to leave behind, at that point I was wearing my house slippers. The girls made me go to a lame party with some political people and promised to take me back, but that didn't happen.

I was cock blocked by my own best girlfriends. I think being in relationships, has made them forget the importance of socializing for the single girl. I need to find some single people to hang out with!

So instead of a night of passion...I ended the night snuggled up instead, with Magoo in Moms guest room. I guess things could be worse.

Sigh.

The Great Pumpkin...

2011-10-28T09:36:00.012-04:00

I spent my Thursday at my friends new fancy old house. Her husband made us a delicious dinner, including but not limited to baked fries that he cut himself and they had like rosemary or something on them. I had a couple, but not many. I wanted to eat them all. They even got me some Moscato! I told her I may be "stopping by" more often. She moved way closer to me. Which is awesome!

While he cooked our dinner for us (she married well) we drank wine and watched part one of the Halloween American Horror Story again. (so, are you watching yet??????) Her big spooky house added to the ambiance! It is very reminicent of the Horror Story home, minus the ghosts. (I hope!)

Then we carved pumpkins. While asking..."when was the last time you remember carving pumpkins?" It had been far longer for her.

I thought, how very "Martha Stewart" I looked in this photo. Although I may dream of folding my fitted sheets like Martha, I am totally no home-keeping (a Martha term) genius!

So then I showed the real me. A knife weilding pumpkin dominator! Actually, she told me to "look attractive", I said "I'm wearing my Goodwill top"...so, I am not so sure that I made that happen here.

My pumpkin is the most unfortunate looking one, with the bad-ass mouth. She kept asking if I was taking it home. I live in the ghetto. Some crackhead would probably try to smoke it. Really, I think she was a bit embarressed to put it outside in her fancy neighborhood. But then, she was the one who wanted to carve one with a penis motiffe.

I think this should be our annual tradition, drinking wine and playing with knives. I mean, what else are the child free to do with their scores of free time, clean houses, and infinite finances? /bragging.

Halloween Extravaganza's...

2011-10-25T20:22:00.005-04:00

There's my handsome boy, Mr. Magoo sporting his Halloween t-shirt. He will be wearing this to his rescue party at One of a Kind Pets rescue this Saturday. This is the rescue that saved this precious boy from eminent death. When I ran my 5k this past weekend (with Bronchitis, cough..cough) for the rescue, the girls all remembered him from when they rescued him. I'm pretty excited to take him to the facility so all the people who cared for him before I adopted him, can see what a handsome boy he has become!

Momma's also attending a Halloween extravaganza this weekend, and after years of hating to dress up, I am actually sporting a costume this year!!

I am (as in waking life) going as an Angel! I found the cutest "sexy angel" costume at the Goodwill, and I am somehow going to incorporate Charlie Sheen....so I can be a..."Charile's Angel"...and maybe it wont be so plain.

What are your Halloween plans???

P.S. I went to see Paranormal Activity 3 with my girlfriends at one of the city's oldest (and scariest!) theaters after a few at home cocktails, and the full bar at the venue (vodka, soda's...anyone?) ...my deduction was it was as good as the first two! Except if you had to pee in that ginormous theater... on your own....then it was super scary!

We all noticed, though, that several of the scenes that were shown in the trailer, were not even in the movie. So...we felt ripped off!

Did you see Paranormal Activity? What are your Halloween plans?

Old Bird...

2011-10-22T22:39:00.002-04:00

Friday night, I went to see Paranormal Activity 3 with my lady friends at the local theater, which is 1 screen, and about 100 years old, and has a full bar. Needless to say, we had some cocktails beforehand, a couple at the theater, and pissed ourselves while watching the movie! Did it change our lives like some of the trailers promised? Um, no! But, it was definatly a must see in the trilogy, and a fun night out with my girlfriends!!!!

I spent my Saturday helping one of my best girlfriends scrape wallpaper from her new house, and paint the walls. It was hard work, but I'm excited to see how it all comes together, since probably the next time I am there, she will be moved in, and the rest of the work will be done. (unless I'm enlisted for more help beforehand....)

When I got home, I poured a glass of wine, and started a ginormous pot of chicken noodle soup on the stove, with beans, split peas, beans, whole grain noodles, and a miriad of other vegetables.

I picked out my Saturday night movie, Pumpkin Karver, (a syfy tivo movie) and fed my Mr. Magoodle the dark meat from the leftover rotisserie chicken.

I am enjoying the delicious smell of my house, my comfy pajamas, and a scary movie! I am so happy for fall to have arrived, I really couldn't ask for more!

Horror!...

2011-10-20T19:48:00.003-04:00

Since my most favoritist show in the world Lost went off the air, I've been wandering around aimlessly from show to show, half heartedly watching week after week. Feeling unfulfilled. Wondering if there will ever come another scripted show that peaks my interest.

Finally! It happened!

American Horror Story!

Whose watching? What do you think? What do you love? I watch each episode about 5 times, and they never get old.

Finally, a show that makes me giddy, and spend time talking about at the water cooler!

Little Red Corvette...(or white fusion...)

2011-10-17T21:12:00.005-04:00

I have long since been afraid of the trusty Stratus' wonky struts, wobbly wheel, and lack of power steering, and ability to burn thru a set of brakes, and tires like nobodies business! But I was still sad to see her go.

A nice couple wanted to buy her for their daughter on the lot and then the sales guy told her she was on a trip, to the scrap yard.

What?!

I said but she's a nice car, someone could fix her up, she shouldn't be thrown away. I've never been so attached to a car before. She served me well.

And then I drove off in my new ride! She's an 09 Ford Fusion, Dad would be proud, Built Ford tough! He tried to sell me a flashy Mazda 3 which I adore the look of but I said no foreign cars for this girl!

The best part is that its super smart and comes with that talk thing where i can talk to her and she does stuff like dial my phone and text, and sirius radio. None of which I have the first clue how to use, but I'm sure a smart boy will happen along and learn me the ropes. Or...I could read the manual.

But! My payment is only $15 more a month, and I can park anywhere I want without worrying about getting back out due to my lack of steering.

And, I am enjoying one of my very last bottles of wine tonight, sick and all....in celebration.

Guess what? My insurance actually went DOWN 150/year on a newer car. Hells. Yea. I knew this was a smart grown up car!

So it works out to be exactly what I have been paying on the old car! score!

Yay. Me.

Down with the sickness...

2011-10-14T15:16:00.003-04:00

I've been pretty lucky sick-wise since I started eating healthy. Unfortunatly when I thought I had the stress poops, I'd actually caught a roto virus, which I think the name "roto-rooter" came from because it attacks your pooper. I'd literally put food in my mouth, and immediatley the gurgles started, and it came back out. How in the world does that happen? I wish I knew.

I just got over that and now I have bronchitis. I miss work. And I'm craving bad food to eat. Subsequently, a week of no workouts and eating things like, hormel canned chili, macaroni, chipotle, a 2 liter and 3 20oz sodas, and McDonalds, has put 6lbs on me. In. A. Week. Not even, 5 days. All I can say is that I hope that it all comes off when I'm back on the wagon next week.

Mr. Magoo is a great sick buddy, but he can't make me soup, pet my head, or bring me water. And I miss having an official "boyfriend" for those things. Even though TDH has offered several times, we're not at the "you can see me at my worst" stage just yet. Sometimes my independance gets in the way of believing in chivalry.

I also dislike taking it easy. I have a hard time just laying around. I always feel like I should be doing something. And, tomorrow I have a 5k to run. ITS FOR THE ANIMALS! I'm still going to try and run it. It's only 3 miles.

And you get hot chocolate, and S'mores afterwards which at this point, sounds heavenly!

Motivator....

2011-10-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

Who would have ever thought I would be motivating people to do anything other than singing to them "forget your troubles c'mon get happy?"

I'm good at being optimistic. And making people laugh. I have that down pat. But my latest endeavor is motivating people with their fitness.

Tonight a girl joined boot camp....because of me. She introduced herself to the class and said she had wanted to make a change, and had been afraid to do it, and about everything she'd tried, and what her goals were....and then she said it...."I was inspired by her story on the web page (pointing at me!!!!!) and so I signed up".

I said "ME?!" Pointing at myself...then I said......"AAAAAWE!!"

It just goes to show that you never know what you may do in life, that inspires other people to do good things. I joined to change my own life, and find "myself" again. I never thought it would ever impact another person.

But every day, I see that it does.

A coworker makes me call her every day to run in the gym with me, because she wanted to run as fast as me when she saw me in the gym one day after noticing how much weight I had lost. Wait....As fast as ME?!

I have been getting a girlfriend who lost her will to be fit, to come on runs with me. She isn't running, but walking fast, and saying how hard it is, while I do high knees next to her, or jog at a fast rate, quite slowly (subsequently looking like a complete and total jackass....) I plow ahead up hills, and jog in place while cheering her up the long, steep, never-ending trails. Saying "you can do it! You have to walk before you run!"

Out of all the hard work I've done to lose all the "elle bee's", and achieve my personal fitness goals... having that girl say that I inspired her to change her life, honestly felt better than all that**. Something I struggled with for so long, and have overcome, has made someone else believe they can do it too!

**(Ok, so mayyybe it didn't feel better than putting on a size 6 for the first time EVER....but it felt pretty damn good just the same!)

Proud Mom...

2011-10-07T19:41:00.005-04:00

Mom's of human kids record first steps, or haircuts, or first words.

Mom's of puppy mill rescues, record seemingly simple things. Like...play.

Two years ago, Mr. Magoo didn't know what kisses, pets, baths, brushing, snuggling, eating out of a bowl, or even a treat was, let alone a toy. The first time he started showing playfulness with me was major. Getting him interested in toys, was not so easy.

Chasing, and retrieving a toy is a big step for a dog who lived the better part of his life being moved from cage to cage being forced to "perform".

Mr. Magoo is a shining example of what a wonderful pet an abused dog will make when you give them the patience and love they so need.

And as silly as this video may seem, to me, it's so big. I love that floppy one eyed dog bigger than the moon!

(the cat exhibiting jealousy is Fozzie...with a short cameo of Pickachu on his way to using the pisser)

P.S. If you look closely near the end at his close up, you can see his "elvis" snaggle tooth that he acquired after having 10 teeth pulled. It's pretty adorable.

One, two, oh, about seven or so bottles of wine on the wall..

2011-10-03T19:43:00.008-04:00

Firstly, I so deserved a girls night on Saturday. I had a really nice date on Friday with TDH, which kicked off my weekend of drinking and eating things I had broken up with for many months. (subsequently I remembered why we broke up and we wont be getting back together any time soon, I felt like crap and it wasn't the wine *professional wino here*)

I fired my very first employee on Friday. Despite all the trouble she had caused, and her "secretive" plan to get me fired, (yes, a new person) I still felt horrible. I didn't eat for two days, and crapped water non stop. My ass hurt. (TMI? I'm honest....) I couldn't even work out because of nutrition. I'd have likely passed out, or...shit my pants. Neither of which sounds pleasant!

I'm a nice person. And she.....was not. It's a good story but due to my fear of getting canned over social media, I wont blog it. In short, she violated company policy more than once. With warning.

Now, some photos!

Here's some of the cheese, and my stock pot wine bucket. We had 7 bottles of wine between us, two of which were the giant bottles. I also made Paula Deen's crock pot mac and cheese which was so freaking delicious I wanted to hide it away from the girls and finish it off myself! What the hell was I doing in this photo? I don't freaking know......Perhaps it was when one girl broke my easy wine opener, and I realized I then had to use the kind they use in restaurants, which are damn near impossible to operate. Especially drunk.

You can see that I put to good use my last several weeks of work night drinking (due to the aforementioned firing) and used my old wine bottles for vases.

The idea was to bring your favorite wine and try new things. But it turns out we all like Moscato, and Wolf Creek Wineries White Lies. I also got a reisling, and white catawba which some people hadn't tried.

My friend Stephanie gave me this awesome buddha-glass. Yes, I consider myself a Buddhist. I don't know many Christians that would drink wine out of a Jesus glass with a penis straw (left over from a bachelorette party)...it's probably sacreligious or something for both parties and I kinda felt bad once I sobered up.

Obviously by the look on my face, I'd had enough wine to justify this seeming like a great idea. I almost look crazy. In my defense the balls had later sprung a leak and I switched to a regular old silly straw. Does that make it better to consume alcohol out of a religious figure? It seemed that way.

And this is the group shot we used the auto feature on the camera for, and it took us about 15 tries to get a couple good ones. We were all laughing too much and not paying attention. I spent a lot of the night doing walking lunges because I was reminded by seeing the other girls, that I really don't have an ass anymore.

Are women ever really happy?

All in all it was a great night. It felt good to let loose with the ladies, laugh, act silly, drink lots of wine, and learn that yes....there is such a thing as too much cheese. (I never thought it possible!)

I can't wait until the next time!

Because Everyone Loves Wine, and Medals!...

2011-09-28T20:31:00.004-04:00

Firstively, I have bestowed the greatest honor upon my largest Buddha statue at home. He gets the sacred honor, of donning my Akron Marathon medal. I know it is safe with him, and I can glance at it whenever I want while I'm watching TV.

I say stupid things to him like "oh, Hi Buddha, how's my medal? Good? Great!" and "Lookin good Buddha!" So, I'm a little weird, but that's what is so endearing about me.

In other news, I have been preparing for my mega wine and cheese girls night blowout at the old homestead. I havn't had a girls night in so long, so why not pair it with the universe's greatest gifts to us...wine, and um...CHEESE! And I will be seeing some girls I havn't seen in ages! Girls....you all know how important this is!

I am so excited to have everyone bring their favorite wines, and favorite cheeses, while I provide my bomb-ass home made macaroni and cheese, and of course....while I do so much enjoy many other wines....the Moscato is my weekly drink. And I feel I owe it some sort of homage in the grand scheme of tasting new wines. I might also include a favorite from my most favorite winery, White Lies.

I have spent countless hours preparing the perfect music list for our perfect girls night. I. Can. Not. Wait!!!

The evening is going to be ended, by tripping the light fantastic (or cutting a rug, if you will) at our favorite local gay bar, where they are a simple $3 cab ride away, play the best music, have the best service, and pour the BEST vodka soda's, combined with most fabulous crowd that lets you enjoy your night without feeling like you are on display. (except for maybe the appreciation of how cute your outfit, or wristlet is!)

The night will end with the late-night viewing of Brides Maides, and the 40 Year Old Virgin.
For the ladies who have had a little too much fun.....the cherry on the cocktail is a sleepover. Where I hope that no one spends the evening puking, because I only have one toilet. Upstairs.

Other than that.......... I'm so psyched!

Girls just wanna have fun!

I wore my Medal all day!...

2011-09-26T10:46:00.005-04:00

This is my, "I've been up since 5 am, no poop in two days, boobs smashed, sweat in the contacts all morning, 52 degrees, walking all over the marathon route to meet my relay partners all day so my feet hurt, and then and sweating and sweating some more since I did have more clothes on, and having 4 beers, but look I got a medal so it's all good" look.

How did I do? I ran at a 10.8 mile an hour pace. This is a good outdoor speed for me. I started with the 11:17 pace group, and ended up leaving them after the first mile. I wish I'd have done more miles. Because I felt pretty bad-ass, especially when I smoked people running uphill!

Next, I'm doing a half marathon in November. Who'da thunk? The exciting part about it is that it's at a winery. (mmm wine!) Stomp the Grapes! The very same winery I had my first date with exassholemanfriend at, and a couple subsequent dates with said asshole, and have been avoiding like the plague.

So, in the spirit of being awesome, and moving on with my life, I am going to make a new memory. Maize Valley will go from "where I first met that asshole and had the most amazing first date ever, and then he later ripped out my heart" to "where I ran my first half marathon, and then got drunk off free wine".

The latter sounds way better anyways. Everyone loves free wine!

If You're Gonna Be the Poster Child....

2011-09-23T06:54:00.000-04:00

At bootcamp a fellow camper referred to me as "the poster child". This is probably because I've been in the spotlight on the website forever, (I'm kind of a celebrity......) and I'm the only success story in a while.

But mostly it's cus during a step class I grabbed 4 risers, (and a boot camp step class is nothing like your ordinary run of the mill aerobic step class either!!!) and I tried to get everyone else to follow suite. "C'mon guys you can do it!!" No one did it. They all left me hangin.

But, I made it. And while my entire body was wet, and my instructor pointed out at the end that I look like I had jumped in a pool fully dressed.....it mad me choose 4 risers for every step class thereafter, and have the most amazing sense of accomplishment!

I guess if you are going to be a poster child for something, its better to be one for fitness, than say....crack cocaine. Or, depression.

Speaking of success. I recently had my annual physical. The Dr. was so enthusiastically impressed with my weight loss success, that she talked to me for half an hour. Ok, so she was an hour and 20 minutes late for our appointment, but still...whens the last time you got half an hour with your Dr. simply chatting? Hmm.?

She told me I'm at a perfect weight. I told her I want to lose 10 more lbs. because I want to be able to maintain by only working out 5 days a week. Like normal people. (currently you remember, I'm working out an hour and a half, six days a week.....no way I can do this forever) My knees no longer creak. My feet don't ache. My back no longer hurts. My neck doesn't crack 10 times a day. I'm a whole new me!

The best, best, best part, was when she moved me in my chart from "obese" to "average". I thought it was bad-ass to move from morbidly obese to obese a year ago, but now I'm only 4% body fat away from being in the "fitness category". FITNESS and ME in the same sentence!! WHAT?!!!

I kinda wanted to cry. I havn't been "average" since my very early 20's. And I doubt I've ever been deemed "fit".

Hi! I'm Fizzgig, and I'm....AVERAGE!

Well, this average girl is running her first marathon tomorrow. I'm doing the Akron Road Runner Marathon. (in a relay!) And, enjoying beer and pizza afterwards with my awesome running group and relay team that pushes me on outdoor runs every week! Aaaand.... I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be wearing my medal all weekend. I might even sleep in it.

How Communication helps...

2011-09-19T19:46:00.007-04:00

Things are still going well with TDH. But it's kinda like he is a friend I like to make out with on occasion.

It's hard telling if I am just comparing the spark I had with exmanfriend to the lack of an instant spark with him. Sometimes I don't like to give things a chance. Sometimes I get so caught up in "meant to be" and forget just living in the moment.

I'm good at that. Mostly because the last time I was in love I got burned. Alive. At the stake. With some added fuel. While the burner pointed and laughed.

TDH is moving alot closer in a couple of weeks. It doesn't seem to excite me, I'm just not that into him I guess?

Where this goes, only time will tell. In the meantime though...I vow to enjoy dating. To stop trying to make everything fit into a perfect little box. Let myself like someone. See where things go. Let loose. If he turns out to be an asshole, not like it's something new to me, right? If it turns into more, bonus! I'm not married. I'm not yet an old haggard cat lady. I'm in the best time of my life, and I just need to go with it.

I had a blast this weekend with two of my best girlfriends at the Yankee Peddlar. What started as a break for a bottle of wine, turned into me carting around a 6 pack of Leinenkugels Berry Weiss for us to enjoy while we shopped the old time craft bazaar. And then maybe...we got a second six pack. Pictured here, I'm totally innocent. (And wearing horizontal stripes to boot!!!!) Everyone was jealous of us! Nuff said!

Off the Sauce...

2011-09-14T19:49:00.003-04:00

It occurred to me today, that it would have been my 15 year anniversary with my ex husband, and 20 years together. Why do I care? I don't, it just occurred to me is all. Its been over for 12 years.

It's been 3 days with no wine. And..considering what's been going on at work (turns out I hired someone who has simply done nothing but cause problems) the past few weeks, this is an accomplishment! I had been drinking every day. A whole bottle of wine. A regular bottle? No, the big ones.

I think my liver thanks me, as does my bank account, and certainly, the scale since it's been a few weeks since its moved anywhere. I feel like I wasted that time, and I could have easily been to my 10lb goal by now.

Instead of working out to eat, I have been working out to drink. I have to admit, working out to drink is way more fun. And you can sleep just fine when you've downed a bottle of wine.

On the other hand, I have had a blast clothes shopping. My credit card is on fire. I never enjoyed it before, but when you try things on and you don't hate the way they fit, its hard to put them back on the rack...I also realized that no matter what size you are, they never have your size. I always thought there were only smaller sizes. Now, there are only larger sizes.

My favorite purchase was a size 6 pair of jeans....with...wait for it....a BELT! I don't remember the last time I wore a belt. And I certainly never wore a size 6, that's for sure!

I have still been lunging around the house, trying to fix the derrier, and have seen progress, so if you want a firmer butt, walk-lunge around the house!

I still havn't totally blown off the guy I was seeing because it turns out I'm a chicken shit, and I'm no good at letting people down. I thought he'd just go away if I ignored him but it turns out I'm too awesome to forget. But...I'm working on it.

It's a Small Drunk World After All..

2011-09-08T22:24:00.006-04:00

Tonight I trekked it down to my local Circle K to buy cigarettes, and a nice bottle of Moscato, for my Friday night enjoyment. (Firstly, I'm helping my fancy friend pass out literature at our alma mater football game on Friday, cus she is running for council!) And...when I get home on a Friday night, I need Moscato.

When I hear a loud voice....."You've lost weight since I saw you last" .

I think, who the hell knows me here? This can't be good! I live in a sketchy neighborhood!

I turn to the counter, and I see her.

You remember, how I got a DUI last September. Among maaaany other things I had to go to jail. You don't want to get a DUI in Ohio people. If I am good for nothing else in this world, I should be a shining example to you all. One drink is too many. Even a sip of alchohol, is enough to land you in a heap of trouble in our glorious state. You don't think it is but trust me, I went to jail. I heard everyone's stories! I had the laws shoved down my throat for days.

I don't know many people who follow that no drink and drive rule, but if you got a DUI you'd think the same thing!

So anyway, I turn around, and oh yes, it registers instantly, there behind the counter sporting a red Circle K shirt, is a girl I was in jail with. Jail!!!

I said "OMG, yes, I have, look, I'm here I am buying alchohol"! (laughter)

She told me how she gave up drinking and is now smoking pot. Ok, cus I think that whole under "the influence" also pertains to drugs. We were locked up with a girl who was driving on vicoden, so ummmm.....yea. Good luck with your new found substance there lady!

Hello, universe, I get that you may want to remind me not to drink and drive, but unless people go out within a 10 mile radius because the cab rides cheap, or, if a cute boy drives me *wink*, I am like George Thorogood, and I drink alone. Yea, with nobody else. It's pretty sad actually. I might cry myself to sleep tonight.

Jail girl also happens to live on my street. Talk about a small world after all.

Calling Jane Fonda...

2011-09-06T21:18:00.005-04:00

IForrest Gump is an inspiration. Wherever he went, he was running!

I'm doing the "wherever you need to go in the house, you will do walking lunges to get there" experiment.

It is necessary, as currently, my tailbone is floating aimlessly between two jello pads which use to be my tight buns. My pants hold my butt together, and I sort of float in there on an air pad. It's the strangest sensation, to float around in your pants, and it's something I can't explain properly, but it is very troublesome. It's just like sitting on a balance ball all day.

I feel like "what about bob" only instead of baby stepping places, I'm lunging.

If nothing else, I will drink less wine, because lunging for a refill isn't nearly as appealing. I've been running miles, bootcamping, and adding inclines on the treadmill. I have to find something more!

What are your tried and true butt exercises?

It's not merely asthetics, I'm uncomfortable!

Throw out all your rocks, I saw Apollo 18!...

2011-09-02T23:49:00.005-04:00

I collect rocks. I read once that having an attraction to rocks has to do with your past lives, and places those rocks may have been with you in another time. Whatever, I pick them up when I go places, and I have a lot. I like the round smooth ones, that stack nicely on a shelf.

I'm afraid of my rocks now. Because I went to see Apollo 18.

Mind you, I had a long standing love affair with the show Lost. That never told me where they were, or why there were polar bears, or what that smoke monster in the woods was. I didn't care. I watched each episode intently, more than once, peicing together how each episode had to do with another one. Looking for clues. Drooling over Dr. Shephard. I love that sort of thing.

Apollo 18 doesn't hand you a plot. Or great cinematography. Or thrills. I mean, it's a couple dudes in a space ship on the moon back in the 70's.

I should insert here, that I hate aliens. They scare me.

Apollo 18 stressed me out, the way that movie "Buried" with Ryan Reynolds stressed me out. A man, buried alive in a coffin w/a lighter, a cell phone, and a government that betrays him. Or the way that "Frozen" did, a few kids stuck on a ski lift for days. Seriously people, these things can happen to you!!

I don't need to be handed a story. I like to make my own deductions. Draw my own conclusions. Try to figure out if its aliens, or a disease. If the government would really send people to the moon to communicate with aliens, knowing they are deadly. I live for the stuff.

So, I spent the movie with hands over mouth. Squealing, swatting my girlfriend, jumping, and having heart palpatations from being startled, and saying "what IS that?" "OH MY GAAAAWD!!!" and "don't go out there!!!"

But if you don't like to get lost in a movie, and would rather say "this is so not real" you will just think this is boring, and stupid, and a movie about home videos on a space ship. You won't be afraid that astronauts have gone to the moon and brought back MOON rocks. Or....are they?

I havn't read a more interesting review of the movie than mine. I'll be awaiting my financial reimbursement, Apollo 18 makers.

Happiness is...

2011-09-01T08:26:00.000-04:00

Happiness is...

Buying a tank top with a built in bra, and actually being able to wear it as intended....without a bra, and your boobs don't weigh the top down so all your cleave hangs out!

It's a wonder what you miss your whole life when you carry extra weight around.

Man! I feel like a woman!

Where Work Gets in the Way....

2011-08-31T19:54:00.006-04:00

I was pretty sad today, when during workout #2, I see on the 5:00 news that my future husband #3, (Right behind Edwin McCain, and Jason Stathom) Matthew Fox (Jack Shepherd, and Charlie Salenger!!!) was a mere stones throw away from my very own apartment, filming with Tyler Perry in the new movie about a series of James Patterson books I love about Alex Cross! Perry is Alex Cross? ( I always pictured as a sexy Blair Underwood, and in the past was played by Morgan Freeman...really, movie makers? Didn't you read these books??)

This is a sign that I should read the local paper like a real adult.

I could have totally taken vacation. I have a week left with nothing to do, and no promising proposals on the horizon. I could have innocently walked Mr. Magoo down to the cemetary, and peeped some celebrities, if even from afar. I could have walked the same street he walked.

Sure, they also filmed at Stan Hewitt, which I attend once a year in October for the craft fair, and enjoy hot cider, and hot fresh gingerbread cookies. Or on the occasion that a friend gets married there. But, I can't walk there in minutes like I could at the cemetary. Just thinking they were so close, makes me want to cry.

Yes, Clevelanders, most of this is filmed in your city, but nothing ever happens in Akron. This is the biggest thing since that one rock lady opened the vegan restaurant downtown!

Sigh.

I'm just not meant to get married yet. I think he'll wait for me.

But, I swear, if I see the lunatic lady that lives across from me, and wears duct tape on her mouth in the movie, I will just die.

Adele - ''Someone Like You''

2011-08-29T09:33:00.007-04:00

Just when you think its safe to listen to sad songs again, and you are over "him" something comes along and knocks you back down....I found this to be such a tear jerker last night on the VMA's, and while it makes me incredibly sad to listen to it, I just can't stop. It speaks to me.

Life...

2011-08-25T19:12:00.004-04:00

I had a particularly trying day at work today, being the boss sometimes takes a toll on you. You spend your time taking on everyone else's problems, and its easy to get caught up in what they are thinking and feeling.

Mr. Magoo gave me a lesson in Zen tonight. With all his past struggles in life, he is perfectly content to lay on my couch, totally unaware of what happened to him in the past.

He is living in the moment, safe, and secure, as we all should be.

In this moment, he his healthy, and safe, and loved in his home.

And, so am I.

Call Me Forrest..

2011-08-21T11:34:00.004-04:00

Today I ran my first 8 consecutive miles, outside.

I ran. Like, the entire time. I didn't even have to stop.

Almost 3 of those miles were in the rain. My girlfriend told me it would make us feel bad-ass for not quitting, but I just felt wet, and sticky, and my pants got all stretched out from the rain, so I had to keep pulling them up to my boobs like Ed Grimley.

And my butt cheeks were freezing.

And I think my feet were pickled at about mile 5.

The first 6 were fairly easy, which surprised the hell out of me.

The last two I had to push myself to complete. My girlfriend kept telling me "it's only two miles anyone can run two miles, we'll be done in 20 minutes". I wanted to tell her to shut up, but she's one of my oldest friends, and she meant well. And no one offered to carry me on their backs so I had to keep going.

I didn't feel bad-ass per se, but I do feel good for completing it.

Now, laying around on the couch for the rest of the day wont make me feel so bad.

Did I mention that my bathroom is on the second floor? That's a lotta steps for these tired legs to make.

Looks Like We Made It...

2011-08-14T16:49:00.006-04:00

I was finally featured on my boot camp's website. I feel official now!!! And having a good "measuring stick" from the start actually makes me feel accomplished!

Here is my testimonial! I lost 61lbs in 20 weeks! A size 14 to a size 6!!!!

Why did you join (Boot Camp)?

Because I had been working out on my own for years, and stopped losing

weight after 45lbs. I stopped pushing myself, and needed motivation.

I was also (which is my favorite phrase from my instructor) "working out just

to eat" I needed structure to what I was putting into my body.

How did you feel your first week?

Awful! I took a lot of hot baths, did a lot of stretching,

and had plenty of ibuprofen! I remember thinking I would throw up

during each class, and I think even my hair was sore!

How has your eating habits changed?

Drastically! I actually enjoy eating healthy, because of the way

it makes me feel. The couple times I splurged, made me feel awful.

You really are what you eat, but if you don't allow your body to

adjust to the healthy food, you never realize that! I have structured

meals and snacks, and feel fulfilled!

What is your favorite exercise?

Jacks. Only because at first, they hurt every part of my body, and

I struggled with just a few sets. Now they continue to be challenging,

but I can do more, and feel the benefit of the cardio more than the

pain of the movements. It's a measuring stick for my fitness.

What advice would you give someone who is thinking

about joining?

Do it! The workouts are great, and it forces you to push yourself

further than you think you can go. You always leave feeling

accomplished! It  has made me feel amazing about my body and what it

can do. It's also a place you can go where you know people understand

your struggle with workouts, and changing your eating habits.

What advice would you give someone new to the

program?

Follow the meal plan religiously, as hard as it is at first,

and after the first month it will become habit. It gets easier

to turn down sweets and  snacks the longer you stick with it.

I never gave anything long enough to work, and trust me, it works!

How would you describe the classes?

The classes are high energy, and fun! Your instructor always

has a new challenge for you to try, and it doesn't get boring like

some classes, its never the same routine.

How has (Boot Camp) Changed your life?

I have turned into someone I never thought I could be. Someone

who makes smart choices about what I eat, and looks forward to work

outs, and calorie burning. I have also started running 5 miles a day

(which even I can't believe), and I'm doing the Akron marathon on

a relay team in September. I never would have began running if

my fitness level wasn't increased with the help of boot camp,

and I certainly never would have thought I'd be doing a marathon.

An Ode to My Vessel..

2011-08-12T20:08:00.012-04:00

Happiness is, calculating your height/weight ratio, and the return says "you are 18lbs overweight".

Only 18lbs? Ha! That's nothin! I'm gonna kick your ass 18 lbs! I have 10% more body fat to lose to be in the normal range too. That's a far cry from having to drop 25%!!!

Tonight only two of us showed up to bootcamp. The instructor asked what we wanted to do. I said "lose a pound!" That's not such a great idea, because she really worked us over!

My body is awesome. Not in the "I'm so fine" way, but in the way that it's just an amazing thing!

For so long I told it that it was fat, and lazy, and couldn't do this or that. I changed my thinking, and I said nice things to myself, and little by little, I lived up to my words.

This week, after 20 weeks of the same workout routine, and diet.... my body managed to drop 6lbs!!! I simply started my runs on a slight incline for a longer period of time!

And!.....I am officially doing the Akron marathon, in a relay. It's my first time, so I am taking the second to easiest route, of 3.5 miles. I'm starting the first leg, as my girlfriend thinks this will make me become addicted, and do all the marathons she does.

I'm kinda scared, but the best part is Luigi's pizza afterwords. I miss pizza! And pizza misses me!

I'd like to thank my body, for living up to my expectations, and continuing to surprise me!

I am now at a total weight loss of 61lbs in 20 weeks. (106lbs total since my highest weight....OVER A HUNNNNNDRED POUNDS!!!!). I bought a size 6 dress pants, (SIX) size 8 jeans, and a small top this week. I really can't believe it, because when I look at pictures, I think I still look big. I only realize the change if I look at "fat" pictures. I really never expected to get this far but every time I meet a goal, it seems to come easier, and I set a new one!

Only 10lbs until my second goal is hit. And after that, who knows, I may just be sporting a bikini next summer! (I havn't done that since I was 16!!!) Which is awesome, because I plan to visit my girlfriend in Florida (for the first time) and she is taking me to the pacific ocean. I've never been!!!! I'm sheltered!

I've said it a million times, I feel amazing!

Puppy Mills are for Assholes...My PSA!

2011-08-09T07:16:00.000-04:00

I took Mr. Magoo for a walk this past weekend, and one thing shih-poos (and all short snouted dogs for that matter) are not cut out for, is heat.

My little guy pooped out in the heat and started showing signs of heat exhaustion, plopping down on his side and panting so hard he could barely catch his breath. *panic*

Being the good mommy I am, I rushed him home into a cool bath and air conditioning. Normally my Magoo isn't much a fan of bath time, but here he is chillin like a villian in a cool bath, completely trusting that I know what the hell I am doing!

This picture shows he is miles away from the first five years of his life....that of cage confinement, being forced to "perform" with the ladies, and being treated like a paycheck instead of the amazing little man he is. He was on his way to being shot by the people who used him, because he no longer "performed" as he should.

I wish people would stop buying pet store dogs, and realize the horrific life that the parents of those cute "puppies in the window" are forced to endure. He never knew love, a bath, medical care, brushing, bathing, play, toys, treats, or even real food, which his poor teeth are now paying the price for.

(well, actually, my job is paying the price for those teeth...)

And I gave him his name because he has little a blind right eye. Which when he visited my vet, was found to be blind not by birth, but due to a puncture he suffered as a puppy that was never treated. How cruel.

He is such a sweet dog, and I am so lucky to have rescued him.

Mister Magoodle was adopted several times and returned pre-maturely because he didn't "click" with the new owners after a few days. Puppy mill rescues take more time, understanding, and patience in the beginning, but what you get in return is priceless. I am Mr. Magoo's world. He follows me around just like a baby duck, and looks up to me in a way that warms my heart, and who doesn't want to feel like that?

I will never forget the first time he was rambunctious, and enjoyed a good play session, (playing tag in the hallway) or even the first time taking a treat (BACON!!!) from me, was a lot of work!

I have been on both sides, and having bought a dog at a pet store, that spent 15 years of her life riddled with health problems, made me change my ways. I kind of feel like Magoo is my karma, I am making up for a bad choice...but somehow, I am still the one that wins.

Knowing where he came from and seeing the amazing pet he is now, is all because I gave him a chance. I really feel like he rescued me just as much as I rescued him.

After buying a "used" dog, I'll never go puppy again. But, many rescues are lucky to not only rescue the puppy mill parents, but their babies too. So if you are thinking about a dog, save a life, or at least, buy from a responsible breeder, not the pet store.

What "they" say is true. You will feel amazing about the decision you made!

And visit one of a kind pets. They do amazing rescue work, grooming, and hold at cost shot clinics for your pets, all which benefit the rescue of amazing animals like Magoo!

Kiss, sort of!

2011-08-06T18:50:00.010-04:00

I spent my Friday evening with some friends, and a cute boy, at the river front to see a Kiss tribute band.

One thing I love about living in Akron, is every weekend either at Lock 3 or Riverfront, there is free entertainment, and that means free parking too. It's nice to see my tax dollars hard at work, unlike when I lived in the country, where my tax dollars paid for the unsolicited harassment of innocent people by the podunk police department.

One thing I love about vodka, is that if you have enough before you go see a tribute band, you actually think it's the real deal. For instance, in this photo, I was soooo excited to meet the kitty kat guy in kiss, and I wanted a picture. I couldn't believe I got to meet him!

Obviously, I had enough vodka to make me think this was the kitty kat guy too. I was kinda let down when I looked at my pictures today. Vodka for president!

Sidenote: rock stars are really sweaty. This guy stank. I never washed my Edwin McCain T-shirt he signed, and sweated all over for our photo op either, because to me, Edwin's sweat can cure cancer. (um his new album drops August 30th, you know you want to buy it!)

I learned a few things this night, TDH is really good at taking care of drunk me, for instance when I totally bailed on him to jump on stage for photo ops with the band, without even looking back, I found him sitting in a seat holding my purse. He also held my hand, and saved me from running into traffic to cross the street, when the alcohol made me think the timing was perfect.

Really, I don't ask for much, it's the little things!

Finally, he survived a night with my crazy-fun girlfriends, who felt the need to text me first thing in the morning and apologize for being "assholes". To which he replied "I don't think they were assholes, they were alot of fun".

I think I might go out with him again.

Tooth Hell...

2011-08-03T11:50:00.008-04:00

I bet you thought I was dead, and went to tooth hell, right?

I had a root canal. Oh I've heard how everyone thinks they are easy cheesy, but most people are not me, thanks. Two and a half short hours later....it's over. It wasn't pleasant. Of course I'm in sincere pain for days, and taking 2,000 mg of antibiotics. Great first root canal. I sure hope I get to have another!

Mr. Magoodle, the cutest shih-poodle in the world, makes me smile! Who wouldn't want to wake up to this each morning?

Can we snooze some more Mom?

I learned to appreciate little Magoo and his cuteness, after spending a night with TDH and his very jealous black lab.

Who panted, and whined, and shoved his slobbery toy at me the entire time I was at his house. And then, he plopped his big ass in between us, and pushed me to the edge of the bed with his legs. I think I slept for like 2 hours. Like, no manners. Yes, dogs have manners!

I went home and kissed Magoo's sweet, quiet, content little face.

Speaking of animals, I got the best compliment today!

"You're a cat person, and you don't smell....." um....thanks?

You Might Have a Drinking Problem if...

2011-07-27T20:26:00.004-04:00

The first thought in your mind after your third workout of the day is not going home and showering, and relaxing....but instead...."where did I buy wine this week?"

In an effort to not buy from the same place twice, and look like a wine-o-holic.

I think I need to take a week off.

I've also had a rotten work out week. I've been doing it, and challenging myself, but my heart isn't in it at all. What they say is true, the last little bit is a bitch!

Hold On Loosley...

2011-07-25T20:17:00.008-04:00

I neglected to update on last weeks weight loss, one because it was only 1lb, and two, I had a date Friday night!

The weight loss:

56lbs, 15lbs to goal! Now, I am faced with the dilemma of not being hungry. Which, I always thought would be a blessing, but working out 3 times a day means you have to feed your body, or it will hold on to weight. My body no longer tells me its hungry at snack times. Apparently, that doesn't matter. Even when my mind doesn't want to think about food, I still have to. Balls!

The date:

I had another fabulous date with TDH this weekend, that began with hanging with friends at a concert, and ended the next day with a late breakfast, including mimosas, and a great conversation! Minds out of the gutter people, I'm a respectable girl! Well, sort of!

The body:

I havn't been this small since I was 14, which also brings with it 14 year old boobs, after having been a double D for years and years. I don't miss them in the sense that they are no longer in the way of everything I do, I can buy adorable bra and panty sets, and super cute tops no longer evade me! I love the size they are now, but I do not love the location they have decided to reside in.

Not a pretty visual. Trust.

I consulted with a plastic surgeon, for advice, and to get an idea of what could be done to salvage what the years of fat have done to me.

The Advice:

A simple lift wont work for me because I have lost so much body fat, I will not be happy with the result. So despite my fear of having implants, it is probably where I will wind up being.

The scars are horrific, but will fade in a year or so. They look like frankenstein. They don't show you that on all those plastic surgery shows! They also don't show you the disgusting drains that hang out your boobs and collect "fluid" after your surgery. Yes, it's a real surgery. It's scary, and it is going to take a lot of thought on my part!

I always said I wanted to be pickled, so this is the first step in the right direction! But just like Bob in "What about Bob", I'm taking baby steps on this whole procedure. I'm terrified of the dentist, let alone having my boobs overhauled!!

Angry Skinny girl:

At work today, I was so jealous of a coworkers lunch of fettucini alfredo with extra cheese on top, breaded chicken strips, and light, and fluffy breaksticks, that I asked to look at her food. And then I actually let these words leave my lips

"mmmmm....mmm...well, enjoy your clogged arteries".

After taking a break, I apologized to her. I swear I need to get my food rage under control, it isn't her fault I can't eat that stuff. What the fuck is wrong with me? This is a regular occurance for me. I am always giving people unsolicited advice on what the crap they eat is doing to them. It's all out of jealousy too. I could really care less if people croak due to their arteries.

The Right Stuff...

2011-07-21T21:06:00.003-04:00

Wanna know how awesome my job that I can't speak about is? I mentioned how I wished I could see NKOTB today at work, and poof.....I got the upgrade passes to our company suite. I didn't get the tickets for free as they were all given out, but all I have to do is buy some nosebleed seats for 32 bucks, and use our suite passes, then I get to enjoy Donnie Wahlberg shakin, his groove thang a mere stones throw from my eyes in our lower level, stage left loge.

I love my life.

All my teenage girl hormones are on overload!

Dating Etiquette...

2011-07-17T09:17:00.011-04:00

My third date was a charm, and I had an absolutely amazing evening with a tall, dark, and handsome man that opened doors for me, made me laugh, saved me from falling into a hole in the parking lot, and whose kisses made my heart go pitter patter. Wait, maybe that wasn't my heart?!!

It's been many months since I have been excited about someone, and I'm trying not to let that whole thing your brain does when you first like someone, take over me. But it's hard. I mean, did I mention the kissing? Because I can't stop thinking about it.

We went to dinner, and then to see a band down the road, and ended the night at one of his friends' house (whom I know thru our mutual friends also..) with a fire, where every time we were alone we were kissing and laughing like teenagers. Ahhhh, to be young again! It was so much fun, and he is so easy to be with! We stayed up until 6 am and I think its going to take me a week to recover from it, but it was worth every wink of sleep missed.

And let's not forget that I had my heart ripped out pretty severely, and danced upon repeatedly by exassholemanfriend, only 6 months ago, and only recently stopped thinking about him every day, and started realizing what a total douchebag he is, and how lucky I am that I'm not with him anymore. So I'm not in any great hurry to be coupled up, even though ultimately, its what we both want.

For now, I'm enjoying the giddy feeling inside, and the smile that I can't seem to hide. And I don't owe anyone anything besides myself. And myself says, she doesn't want to date someone else because I personally think its skeevy.

And, we are meeting for lunch this week too. A lunch date. How fun is that? It's funny how things come together when you give yourself the time to get over your past, and work on yourself. I think I like how things are going in all aspects of my life.

So, now, what do I tell this other guy I have a date with next weekend, without being an asshole? I met someone?

Can You Take Classes on Being Smooth...?

2011-07-15T20:07:00.004-04:00

Week 16. I got by with a 2lb loss this week, which is a squeaker. I blame it on wine, specifically Moscato....and the beautiful voice it has when it calls to me to drink it during the week.

Anyway, this brings me to an even 55lb loss!

I'm averaging 3.4lbs a week. Respectable. I do however, need to start sacrificing a couple of cardio workouts and putting in more weights and toning, to fix the damage that years of being fat has done to my body. Which doesn't help my self esteem. I look great in clothes, but I don't love me naked just yet.

I'm horribly shy when it comes to boys. I caught that cute security guard turning around to check me out again today after he passed me. How's the girlfriend working out for you? I think he liked my new jeans. If I was the least bit a regular girl, I'd have the balls to ask him that myself. In the great words of that crackhead Whitney Houston.....How will I ever know if he really loves me? I'd try to phone but I'm too shy --can't speak!

I'm paralyzed by his hotness.

This past weekend I hit up chipotle. (in an effort to be a healthy cheater, I skipped the rice, cheese, sour cream, and GUACAMOLE and added extra lettuce, and salsa to my chicken bowl. I would personally suggest just not having chipotle because it wasn't nearly the same....)

While waiting to order, and pick up my food, I felt a cute boy checking me out. I caught his eye and got immediately terrified and looked away. Then, I felt him looking at me, and I told myself not to turn in that direction, act invisible.

Really? How the hell do I plan on ever meeting the future Mr. Me when I have no flirting skills at all? I mean it goes further than just strangers, I was nervous to even call my exassholemanfriend on the actual phone. I had to talk myself into it. What, the fuck is my problem?

With that said, I have a date tomorrow. It's a second date, and if I don't hear wedding bells, its the last with him. I don't have time for these shenanigans. I'm doing these horrible random dates to get use to talking to people, but I don't enjoy it. I have one for next weekend with someone else, and after that I'm on hiatus again.

Until someone excites me. I seem to be accepting dates with people I feel superior to, and don't really like. Why? I'm probably afraid of rejection.

For me to find someone that makes my heart pitter patter, I need to learn to make a first move and talk to boys that I actually like, and have an attraction to.

Universe, give me some go-go gadget mojo! Stat!

The first step is admitting you are powerless...

2011-07-12T18:46:00.012-04:00

I feel fabulous, and I can't say that I'm not excited to be a mere 18lbs from my goal weight! (say what???)

But along with weight loss, come some things you don't think about when you are busy wishing yourself thin.

Like, how being addicted to junk food is like a drug. And, you really do have to take it one day at a time. I prefer, hour by hour. While over time, it does get easier, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about eating an entire cake until I puke. Or a box of cheeze-its. Maybe just one burrito won't be so bad?

More than making the right choices with meals, and sticking to 3-a-day work outs, not giving into cravings is also really hard work. I personally thought when you get to be thin, all your troubles just melt away along with your fat.

I'm a smart girl but that's totally retarded!

It's a 24 hours a day, 365 days a year life change, that I have to wake up each day and make the choice to live with.

Like most addicts, my drug of choice has to be avoided. Like a crackhead, I can't eat a little bit of junk food and think I'll be ok. Because, a little bit is never enough. Like an alchoholic, I can't have just one drink.

One phrase my instructor told us on day one that is my mantra is "you don't want to work out just to eat, losing weight is 50% diet and 50% exercise."

I did this for years. I worked out 6 days a week, and ate pretty much what I wanted. I lost a quick 45lbs that way years ago but for so long, I was stuck in a rut. Confused as to how I was not dropping more weight as much as I exercised. I ate healthier food, but still had indulgences, and over-ate on the good stuff too.

One day I want to conquer this, and be one of those people that can share a dessert and not wish I'd had the whole thing. Or have a couple pieces of pizza and not fight the urge to eat the entire pie by myself.

Ending on a positive note, while I wake up every day and have to talk myself out of having a breakfast bagel, the reward is my inner peace. I love my alone time running a trail, I listen to my favorite music, think about the past, present, and future, and reflect on choices I've made. All while enjoying the greatest gift we have in this universe....nature!

I'm happy to be alive. I'm thankful for the ability to challenge myself, and accomplish things I never thought I would. I love having cheek bones without make up, biceps, and the ability to hold a pencil under my butt cheeks. (I saw this on an infomercial, as a sign of firm buttocks, and when I tried it, I squealed out loud at 3am!)

Taking this past 6 months to MYSELF to be single, and work on ME has turned out to be the best decision I've ever made.

I've taken this time to change, and work on myself on the inside, and yes.....more noticeably, OUTSIDE!

Boy, the future Mr. Me is going to be one lucky sonofogun! I can't wait to meet him, and wow him with my awesome-ness!

Somebodies Watchin Me...

2011-07-07T20:28:00.003-04:00

So I never mentioned where I work, because I like to stay semi-anonymous, but now, that's a good thing! With all this new fangled technology, we received memos at work about social media. Not just the usual, don't do it on company time (this was actually outlined as being ok as long as it is not excessive, but subject to change at any time) but that our privacy is not guaranteed.

Even on our own time.

I am hoping that it is mainly geared towards people who talk about getting drunk and calling off work, or doing stupid shit on the job like stealing, cheating, or cohabitating with forbidden peers.

Mostly it was to say they hired a company to track all of us. I get that their concern is protecting the brand, the company name, and information. But also in the memo was a blurb about how we were not to say anything about anyone being pregnant, racial slurs, or a slew of other things that may be deemed as "harassment". It didn't specify just coworkers, so I take this as anyone.

Do I work for the CIA? Heck no, but I do love my job, my coworkers, the awesome perks I receive, the oppurtunity for advancement, and oh yes....my paycheck. So I simply wont mention the j-o-b again in any capacity. So yea, I have a job! And it's for-serious!!

And oh yea, I love everyone!

It simply amazes me that I am alive in a time where things like this are relevant to employment.

My how I feel old.

I'm Even Fun Sober...

2011-07-05T19:46:00.005-04:00

This weekend I did a lot of wine drinking. At home, and at my moms. Where we had a fire, and my dog, who is terrified of fireworks tried to end it all, and walked directly into the fire, escaping being burned alive by seconds. My drunken reaction time is awesome if I do say so myself. We eventually gave him a box to hide in, where he dug his way to china and felt at peace with the buddhists I think.

I ran twice, once with my girlfriend, and once with her and a male friend who couldn't keep up with us. Holla! I bought running shoes separate from my cross trainers, which made me feel pretty awesome, and my feet are still thanking me!

And then, I attended a fireworks party spectacular, where they spent over 5 grand on fireworks, and put on the best display I have seen in years, including city shows. The lights went on for over 40 minutes, and we couldn't believe the orchestration, and sheer nerdiness of the preparation!

This party was a long hour drive away for me, so I couldn't "cab it" home, and in light of my mark as a drunk driver, I didn't drink but for my one glass of moscato 7 hours before departure.

And I had a really good time sober. Go figure!!

I didn't eat bad, I had a few delicious kettle cooked salt and vineger chips (the only kind of chips worth having if you ask me) and a hamburger minus bun, a slice of cheese, and veggies. I gave a lot of stink eyes to people having brownies, cookies, and festively decorated cupcakes. Sure, I could have had one and not blown my diet, but I know myself enough to know that one bit of sugar opens up hells gates, and for me, hell is paved with donuts, candies, cookies, and um, well...cupcakes!

I didn't feel the least bit deprived, and still laughed a lot, and can't wait until next years extravaganza!

I felt a sense of accomplishment as I arrived at Mom's to pick up my dog (who had to be babysat so he wasn't afraid of fireworks displays) at 3 am, and drove home secure in the knowledge that if someone pulled me over, they weren't taking MY ass to jail!

For Fats and giggles...

2011-07-03T11:48:00.005-04:00

Well someone always has pictures of you fat, that you don't know about. So, here is a before and current. The before is from years back I had lost around 45lbs or so and had kept it off, and then recently lost the 50.

I'm not done yet, but until I compared these, wasn't so sure about how far I've come. Mom sent me a picture and mostly, I said holy boobs! Then I said holy stomach is bigger than the boobs!

I would also like to thank my friends for letting me go around with hair like that, and ridiculously stupid glasses, too. Payback is coming your way!

P.S. doesn't my foyer look jungl-y?

Things That Make Ya Go...YAAAY!

2011-07-01T19:18:00.003-04:00

It's Friday. Week 14. I lost 4lbs this week, which means I met my second goal of 50lbs! My total body fat loss is 14%! (so, in the past 4 years, I've lost 106lbs!!!)

How do I feel? Well, considering I am 21lbs from my personal goal, and a mere 26 from what Dr.'s think is my ideal goal....I'd have to say I feel pretty flipping amazing!

And tired, and well...my feet hurt!

I was walking into work this week, and passed by a girl in my department that I see probably on a weekly basis. I said "Hi coworker!" as she passed me ...and she ignored me, walked a few steps and turned around and said, "I totally didn't even know that was you, can we talk about your figure? You look amazing".

A couple of the VP's at work have taken to calling me "slim". Use that in a sentence.."hey slim, how's it going?" Are you talking to ME? Oh, yes, I guess you are!

Does this sort of thing get old? Well if it did I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it.

More than how it feels to wear cute clothes, and be comfortable hanging out at home naked (which is my uno #1 favorite thing about spinsterhood by the way) Accomplishing something I have failed at for so long is really what feels the most amazing.

I'm doing this. No one is making me work out. No one is punishing me for having a reese cup (or 5, so what?) or telling me that the world will come to a halt if I absolutely have to miss a work out. It's all me. What I do or don't do shows on the scale, I'm the one responsible for it.

And now, when people say they wish they had my dedication, I have started saying "instead of wasting all my energy on assholes, I'm spending it on me". I don't have anything everyone else doesn't have. I just actually stuck to something and put myself first.

Ummm...Did I mention I lost 50 lbs in a little over 3 months? I did? Well, anyhow, I want to rent a billboard, and inspire the world!

I also want to dance to shake it for me cowgirl, by Luke Bryan, which I'm a bit ashamed to say that I like, but it takes me back to my early 20's, when a friday night was alabama slammers, and bud ice's, and lots of boot stomping at the boot scoot salloon with my girlfriends! I love it!

Now, bring on the celebratory Moscato!!!

My Polish Side...

2011-06-28T19:02:00.003-04:00

Today we said goodbye to Grandma. It occurred to me that her being 96 meant that she was already in her 60's when I was born. Time goes by so fast. In honor of not being sad, I'm sharing great things I learned today from my Dad's brothers.

1) Always pee when there is a restroom available
2) Remember to brush your eyebrows when they are wet, that way they stay where you put them.
3) Don't practice buddhism if you want to see them in heaven. I was after all, baptized catholic you know.
4) Free food doesn't count when you are on a diet, because there isn't enough free food in the world that can make you fat. (this may become my new mantra...)

And my favorite lesson was one on odds.

During hurricane Hugo, my uncle, aunt, cousin, and sister donned foil hats. There were trees crashing down all over the yard, and my uncle said that the odds of a tree falling on the house, and crushing them were good...but what are the odds that a tree would smash into a house and kill four people wearing foil hats?

You can't beat those odds.

Who says Polish people are dumb? They all survived, and a tree never hit the house.

One of the memories that came to me today about Grandma was when her and Grandpa got me a chocolate ice cream cone, and I sat and cried as it melted all over my hand, and their car while they kept telling me to eat it.....I didn't like chocolate. I didn't want any part of that stupid ice cream cone, and they finally had to take it away from me.

I would later grow up and eat chocolate to the point where my life now has to be working out to get rid of it.

Kid's may not be as stupid as I thought.

Feeling Accomplished...

2011-06-26T10:50:00.001-04:00

I run 6 miles a day... inside. I guess I call this easy, when compared to the once a week outdoor runs I do at a little over 3 miles. Outside is hard. Tree roots, mud, inclines, humidity, no TV.

Inside, I know the first 2 miles are flat, and then I increase/decrease the incline for the next 4 miles depending on how I am feeling, and I'm watching the View, or the food network on TV.

I don't enjoy getting sweaty...but in a sick twisted way, its like a measuring stick of how hard I work. At bootcamp, we have to wear all black, so I don't get to see the results in my clothes, but my hair gets soaked clear to the tips...and I have some long hair! That's a good workout.

This weekend, I tried a trail that when I would walk it last summer, about kicked my ass. So, this time?

I ran it.

I ran the flat, and slight hills the entire time. But then, there are about 6 hills that look like this:
Ummm, I walked up these steep, and muddy hills, and then got right back to a faster pace when I got to the top! I much prefer trail running as opposed to towpath running. The towpath is nice and flat, and crushed gravel, and oh yea, BORING! It's bad enough you are working out... why suffer with nothing but other runners to look at?

I like the deer, the water, the bridges, the chipmunks scurrying out of my way (why are these little things always so busy?) jumping over puddles, tree roots, and trudging through mud! I heart nature, and...I hate boring! I zone out and consider this a running meditation. I think about all my thoughts, and feel all my feelings.

And then...by the end of my run, I looked like this.

Boob Sweat? I got it!

Needless to say, my sweat-ometer told me that I had a successful run. (did you know that I'm a runner? shut up!)

The only shitty part about it was that I had JUST gotten 3 inches cut off my hair, tri-color hilights, and an awesome blow-out, which all went to shit a mere hour after my hair appointment.

Oh well, I kicked that trail's ass, and I felt freaking amazing!

A New Kinda Stash...And, a Douchebag...

2011-06-24T21:25:00.005-04:00

Remember how I said this week is all big meetings and I had reese cups and normally I'd run around and hoard junk food? Well, this time, I hoarded all the fruit. Whenever I entered a room, and grabbed something I giggled out loud. Boy have I changed!

Check out my stash!!!!!

That's over a week's worth of snacks for me! I'd have eaten all the cookies in a day.

I had a 2lb loss tonight, bringing my 13 week total to 46lbs!! Which I'm happy with because:

1) I'm getting closer to goal and it may start to slow down so a loss is a bonus!
2) I missed a few miles this week
3) I've had a consistent loss for 13 weeks now
4) My instructor messaged me on our fitness site and said I was looking good she saw me in my shorts this week

In douchebag news, I had a date tonight. Early this morning, I found out my 96 year old Grandma passed away, natural causes. I was stressed out from work already, and then sad because I hadn't visited her in a while, so I was down in the dumper. I'm sad that my Dad's side of the family is slowly fading out. And sad because I'm getting older. Then I was sad when I thought that if I believed in heaven, my Dad would be there to greet her. Personally, I saw her in all the birds today. That's just my thing.

So, I texted my date bright and early, and told him I wasn't up for going out because my Grandmother had passed away.

And....... I never got a response. Not an Ok. Not an I'm sorry...nada. Zilch. Zip!

Um, you can happily cross yourself off my future husband list! And chalk it up as your loss! Let this cocksmoker try to ask me out on another date. Who wants to spend their golden years with someone who doesn't even acknowledge when a family member dies? /rant

In crush news, we found out last week my security guard crush at work has a girlfriend. One of my friends asked him. (isn't this so high school...???) Then, I caught him twice today passing my desk, and after clearing my cubicle opening (I have high walls) he turned around and looked me dead in the eyes. I know this because I still look at him when he walks by. Crushes with girlfriends are like diets, you can look but not touch.

Maybe his girlfriend isn't a looker?

Maybe he thought my friend was asking for herself?

The world, may never know. What I do know is now when he comes thru the department and all the girls are abuzz with excitement for me, I simply announce...."Ladies, we totally broke up, and it's his loss"

I think I should get "It's his loss" tattooed on my ass.

Universe: Please do not let me get drunk one night and think that is actually a good idea.

Letting myself off the hook...

2011-06-22T20:37:00.006-04:00

It's the most busy week known to me at work in the history of the work year.

I'm a stress eater. Normally, I'd visit all the meeting rooms, and pick up all the leftover cookies, bagels, candies, and juices and bring them to my department, and stash some at my desk, and have like...five cookies in a row. And like a snickers. And a bagel for good measure. And some cokes. And then I'd feel like vomiting afterwards.

Today, I had 5 mini reese cups. I felt like total shit, because a couple of times I've had carbs, but never sugar. Sugar is my nemesis!

I couldn't do my usual 6 miles, because I was putting fires out, and only got 3 miles after work, followed by my hour bootcamp class. (which was so hard, my KNEES were sweating!)

And by the end of the day, I let myself off the hook. Because the 200 calories I consumed in those reese cups pales in comparison to my usual stress binge, and I still did my workouts. I still won. I still didn't give in to my usual urges to over do it.

So...I went home, took off my sweat soaked clothes, and enjoyed my scalding hot spa bath.

Then, I poured myself a glass of sangria, cut in half with seltzer water, and decided that slip ups don't mean I am a failure. I am human. I make mistakes just like anyone else. The difference is, I didn't say my usual "well I might as well eat bad all day because I blew it" and I still stuck to my snacks, and regular calorie meals, and didn't try to "make up for it" by not having dinner.

To me, it was a victory.

I'm smiling inside. And that's all this girl needs!

A Post weight loss photo!

2011-06-18T12:25:00.010-04:00

Here I am in March, in a bad cell phone photo before, with my fat clearly pointed out with my professional arrow.

Here is me post 44lb weight loss! Where I have something called a waist! I havn't been this size since High School!

I still had a 3lb loss this week which makes me very happy. Now I want to get to the 50lb mark(which will actually be a 95lb total loss!) I think I can get further than I had expected! Who thought eating right and working out three times a day actually worked?

I'm focused!

Authoritar...

2011-06-17T07:58:00.000-04:00

So you know how I'm the coolest supervisor in the world, right? Well everyone has their breaking point. The best part about my work, is they mainly promote from within. I work with 14 Vice Presidents who all started out in retail. No one handed them their jobs, they earned them.

I've blogged about annoying coworker before. She's related to everyone, including the Kellogs (of the cereal fortune) MC Hammer (she's white, from WV) and like 15 presidents.

I'm not joking.

But she doesn't have much common sense. Today? I had to give her a verbal warning, for arguing with a VP.

Ok, she's a secretary, to 5 VP's...... and she was arguing with one of the VP's. He didn't even want me to say anything, but I heard thru the grapevine what went down, and approached him about it. Because it's like, my JOB to keep this department running smoothly, right?

He use to be "my" VP too. He's totally sweet. Laid back, easy going, nice as can be, (cute!) and all 14 of them, treat each one of us like gold, never look down on us, or act like they are in any way above us.

You don't find that everywhere.

I had to give a 40 something woman, a talk about perception. And how you may not think you are being argumentative, but you always have to be aware of how others may perceive your actions. You don't tell a VP that they are wrong. There are ways of going about this sort of thing. Like, calling your supervisor (me) to smooth over the situation.

I mean, call me crazy, but to me this is common sense.

This brings me to my dilemma. Week night drinking. I have partaken in wine three nights this week, and I'm terrified of weighing in as a result.

Three hour workouts all week? Yes. Sticking to the diet? Yes, aside from wine. Which until now, has been strictly enjoyed on Friday nights, with 7 days to burn off all the calories.

I finally got "don't work out just to eat".....and now, I'm worried about "don't work out just to drink."

Friday night? Girls night! Pre-party at my house with some Moscato, before trekking it up to the Highland Theater (yes, they have a full bar inside!) to see Hangover 2, and have some much needed laughs, and girl bonding.

I am so stinking excited!

And maybe, even some dancing at the local non-hetero bar next door, where they make the best vodka sodas, play the best music, and is within walking distance, or a $5 cab ride home.

Peices of Me....

2011-06-15T07:51:00.002-04:00

I get all sorts of messages from the dating sites. One thing I can say for losing weight, the quality of men (looks wise) has really shot up for me.

On the same note, the cute ones are just as douchy as the sorta cute ones are. Instead of trying to get right into your pants (because this is obviously what chubby girls want, right?) they try to act slick about it. But, most of us can see right through this. It isn't that I don't want someone to get in my pants, cus that would be quite nice, thank you...but I'm not giving the milk away when the cow attached to it is a pretty good catch!

I got a really great message from this one guy, who actually read my profile, which is really detailed, and totally "me", and touched on so many of our "shared interests" including buddhism, which is a bonus for me.

I thought, wow, this guy might actually warrant a response.

I went to his profile, and it was all written like.."yes, I will bring you flowers for no reason, yes we can go to the dog park when its superbowl Sunday" etc....

The first No?

"No, the animals can not sleep in bed with us"

This is where I quit reading.

Seriously?

Then my Mom's voice is in my head "you're never going to find someone that is Ok with all those animals"

Well..then I don't want him. Especially if you have a human kid. My pets are way less baggage, and if they want to keep my feet warm, I'm OK with it. I don't want human kids but I'm not opposed to the possibility, and you have a problem with a cat on the pillow?

My future Mr. Me, is going to be super cute, a fabulous kisser, hilarious, awesome in the sack, and love everything about me. Including the fact that I am compassionate for all things, including cats, and dogs!

I didn't respond.

And he sent me several other messages, about how he was waiting to get to know me, and he couldn't wait.

So I just responded...

"You wouldn't like it in my bed, I have 4 cats and a dog"

This is the part where I am not needy and desperate, and I know what I want. And I am not willing to compromise.

Not anymore. I'm done with maybe this, and maybe that, and the "some day's".

The last 3 years of my life was spent waiting for a guy to get his head out of his ass and realize what we had. He only seemed to get that, when he dumped me. Three times. And while I really miss what we had, I remind myself that if he thought what we had was what I thought we had, we'd be living happily ever after. And the fact that I keep thinking about him is more about being lonely, than about us.

The future Mr. Me is out there, and until I find him, I'm not wasting anymore time on people who are not what I want. I don't need someone for "the meantime". I'm not a dater. I'm a relationship girl. I always have been, and this is who I will always be.

In the meantime, I have my family, my friends, and my own life and interests to keep me entertained. The future Mr. Me, is going to be worth the wait... the tears.. the times I miss being held at night, and the yeeeearrrrs of mis-steps off of my path, with people who now...I wouldn't give a second look, or a second thought to... and make me thankful that I finally found what I was looking for.

The future Mr. Me is going to hold my hand, and walk down the road with me. Not let go, and run away. Not try to drag me in another direction. We will walk together. Toward what we both want. Laughing, and acting like we are 17 the entire way.

Why did it take me 35 years to get here? Well...the universe has been throwing stones at me all my life. But I ignored them.

Then, I got hit with a boulder, and now....? I'm listening.

Where I have a guardian or something..

2011-06-13T09:38:00.000-04:00

I had my brakes done Saturday. My girlfriends husband did them for me, the lights been on a while, like....months...but as I often do, I ignored it. Hi, see me, the bright red brake light? Yea, I'm on because your brakes pretty much suck ass, and you should probably replace me.

Last week I happened to not be jamming to the radio in the stratus, and I heard a terrible grinding when I stopped. And then, a terrible grinding when I drove.

When he took my pads off, he showed me that all that was left of my brakes was a piece of paper. Cus that's real safe. Having brakes that work is a whole new concept for me, obviously. How I didn't die from my own negligence is some sort of miracle.

The same day, I went for my Saturday morning run (which never ceases to amaze me...I am a runner?! SHUT UP!) and I have a routine. I wear my flip flops, and change into my sneakers in the front seat, and I tie the mobile lock to my shoe laces, lock the door, put my keys in my purse, purse in the trunk, and take off.

This time for some reason, I decided to put my shoes on, at the trunk and put my flip flops in the trunk, instead of my purse.... closed the trunk, and got my run on.

Forty minutes, and 4.8 miles later, I exit the trail and see my car is the only one left in the lot. And...my driver side door is hanging wide OPEN!

All the blood rushes from my face, the adrenaline kicks in, and I think a billion horrible thoughts as I truck it to the car, and notice, my purse on the passenger seat, my PURSE IS STILL THERE? I rummage thru it, all my credit cards, cash, blackberry...everything in tact. What?? My keys?? Oh, those are just IN the IGNITION.

As hokey as it may sound, I really did count my blessings that night. I got up, worked out, hung out with three of my girlfriends on three separate adventures, and felt really lucky just to have enough friends to fill up an entire Saturday. I ended the night with my new favorite wine...a moscato (where have you been all my life???) And to top it off? I saw my first rainbow of the year!

I was on top of the world, happy to be me, loving life, and if gas weren't so damned expensive, I'd have searched for that pot of gold!

Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride...

2011-06-10T19:41:00.006-04:00

So as I mentioned I had a date. It was a friend of a friend, but I'm on some dating sites, I havn't really found anyone worth dating but I'm there. I check my mail now and then, and mostly hit delete, and thank the nice ones I don't find attractive, or that are in their 50's and say "I can pass for 35" (I can pass for 25, so bite me) for their compliments.

I say yes, I am an awesome girl, what I have in my profile is real, yes those are recent pictures, no I don't want to have sex with you. That sorta thing.

Last night I was on, and I got a text message on my blackberry, from my date, "what are you doing on (insert site name here)?". I just texted "being social" and heard nothing back.

In retrospect, I should have said "the same fucking thing you are doing?!" Douchebag! I didn't know I was exclusive after a few hours together. My Momma says its the family curse. Guys fall too fast for us.

Obviously, he's not the future Mr. me, so, um....NEXT!

In other news, I weighed in tonight with another impressive 4lb loss! I was pretty nervous because I had string cheese a few days (I've been off cheese mainly) and drank two nights during the week, when I usually only drink on Friday night so I have 7 days to burn off the calories.

This puts me at an 11 week loss of 41lbs....a mere 19lbs to my goal. Ideally, I should lose 35 more pounds to be the "ideal weight for my height" but I'm ideal enough without the scale, so it can suck it!

The bad news for the week is I have to have a root canal. After the pain I've endured with said tooth, it's a welcome thing.

My dentist actually said "we try to make them fun here". I think that it may be code for they are loose with the gas, but we'll see?!

In even BIGGER news, I made first contact with the hot security guy I have a crush on at work. I said "Hi" as I almost plowed into him, while eating an apple. I'm working on my smoothness, because normally, I'd have averted my eyes and went the other direction.

All the girls at work are pulling for me, and I find it completely delightful!

Breaking the shell...

2011-06-09T09:36:00.005-04:00

I'm shy. Which seems to come as a suprise to people who know me, because, duh they know me. But I have such a time talking to people I don't know, and if you are a cute boy? Fugetabout it!

I was at the dog park last weekend (where I'm 99% sure I'm going to meet my next husband, if I don't in fact, marry the security guy at work that I have the hots for) and it was like 100 degrees and there was 3 people there.

One was, a cute boy, and his cute dog, Charlie. Cute boy was like me, - following the dog around with his camera phone, and taking pictures of it. Anyone who does this in public, is destined to be mine. So I channeled my inner "mom" (my mom would talk the ear off of an ant if it sat still long enough to listen) and smiled at the boy. This was the day after buying new small clothes, and I decided to fix my hair before going to the park, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And, we began to talk. Until it was just the two of us at the park! (the other person left....) We got our dogs at the same rescue, both had previously had dogs from a pet store who lived lives of sickness. I thought, OMG we are totally getting married. I felt like I was witty when he was searching for his dogs poop to scoop, and he said all he could find was old poop, and I said "picking up old poop is good karma".... I bet later that night, he went over that line in his head when he thought about me.

I thought I handled the fact that his dog kept sticking his nose up my ass crack pretty well too, I mean, why don't you try being charming with a big dog nose in your junk! He told me he comes every weekend, and I said I do too, so I'm pretty sure his dog will sniff me out again!

I also went on a date this week. It was OK. I'm not in love or anything, and I got a free meal and drinks out of it. To me, this is all practice for when I finally grow a pair and tell hot security guy that I think he's the bees knees, and we live happily ever after.

I'm so horribly shy, so the more I talk to strangers, and force myself to go on dates, the better off the future "Mr. Me" will be when we meet!

Mr. Magoo, bringing people together since 2011.

P.S. don't look at his tinkler, he can't help it!

Things to do before...

2011-06-03T12:52:00.004-04:00

Firstly, my official weigh in tonight is minus 5lbs. On the week I had three cookies, a small piece of your second cousins bday cake, a jo jo, potato salad, and cheesy potatoes at the family picnic! I of course, did 3 workouts a day to make up for it, I am kicking. ASS!

37lbs in 10 weeks. I'm creeping up on 40. Someone said they wanted my thighs at workout. MY thighs!!!

The best revenge is success. Even if you don't believe in revenge, the best thing to do is be your best self, because the person who benefits from it, is you. And the only person you hurt by having ill will, or hurtful feelings about someone, is you. And given a choice, why the hell would you want to hurt yourself?

Things I'm doing to make myself feel successful!

Get skinny, because it feels amazing!

Eat healthy without cheating at least one month, because until you do, you really don't understand the phrase "you are what you eat" I cheated this past weekend, and had to fight like hell to do workouts for three days, it made me feel like shit!

Work hard, and get a super freaking raise, and secretly snicker because you never went to school and make more than most people you know who did.

Have a crush. Even if nothing comes of it, it sure is fun to giggle and get excited when you see the person, and be shy and get butterflies! And be reminded that there is life after the manfriend. Even if it still hurts a little.

Set goals for yourself, like doing 10 push ups, and then beat that each and every day! Even if its just by one, or doing two sets of 10 in a day.

Start your mortgage loan process on a super freaking amazing house and know, that if it is in the stars for you to have it, you will. And that you deserve it!!!!!!

Think to yourself "some day I'm going to have two cars for that two car garage, furniture for all the rooms, and two rocking chairs on the front porch for me and the love of my life!" And simply know that you will!
Remember, that even though Oprah is off the air, her words live on. Find your lifes purpose! Mine is animals, and when I have my very own home, I will be joining the foster list of my favorite animal rescue, and nursing a dog at a time back from puppy mill/abuse situations, and making them awesome pets, and watching them find their furrever homes! This makes me warm and bubbly inside!
Enjoy something every week! For me, its my Friday nights. Where I celebrate a week of ass kicking workouts, and an excellent weigh in! I get a bottle of wine, a redbox rental, and an Acme rotisserie chicken (I feel bad for those who don't have an Acme!) and share the dark meat with your loving and faithful companion....your dog!
Be thankful every day. For waking up. For doing what you set out to do. For the friends you have, and your family that loves you. Put love out into the universe, and wait for it to come back to you!

And, post a picture of the house you want, because you believe in the power of the universe, and thinking things into reality! (when it's mine, I'll show you more! Trust, it's amazing!)

Hello future home de la moi! Please don't be haunted!

Skinny Girl?...

2011-06-02T12:41:00.004-04:00

"Do you ever get tired of being called skinny?"

Are you talking to ME? Um, no!

I can't get enough. "Skinny minnie, you're wasting away, you look how thin you are, you really are losing weight, great job!"

"Is that what skinny people eat for breakfast?" "Oh, you're working out again? I guess that's what skinny people do".

My favorite thing people say is, "what are you doing to lose weight? I'm so jealous!"

And when I respond that I am simply eating healthy, and working out 10 times a week, they quickly say "oh nevermind". As if I am coveting some super magic potion that if you drink it you'll shrink!

To me, skinny is relative. No, I'm not the standard skinny just yet, but compared to what I was, yes, I'm skinny. I'm biggest loser finale **"i think she weighs 120 by looks, but by the scale its 160" skinny.

Last night I cleaned out my closet. I was sad to see so many things go including but not limited to, my favorite jean short cut offs. What I put on from last summer, no longer just looks puffy and hangy and big, it falls off. It's exciting and sad all mixed together. I'm trying to buy a house so new clothes are not an option right now!

*this is an example only and I would never publicly reveal my true weight to the world. No way!

Ice, Ice Baby...too cold! .....

2011-05-26T10:11:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I ran 4 miles in 50 minutes on my lunch break, on a slight incline (which is a new development this past few weeks).

Then, after work, I brought my bootcamp clothes, and did an 8 mile bike ride.

After that, I trucked it to bootcamp, where we had an hour and ten minute (usually a 45m class) ass kicking on the step, where I used a riser, which is also a recent addition to my workouts.

By the time I left, and stopped at the store for a bag of ice, there were tornado sirens going off. I spent the next couple hours consoling scared pets.

And then, I did it. I took my first ice bath!

I admit, I was afraid, and thought it was stupid, but on the recommendation of one of my running friends last weekend when I pulled an ass muscle, I gave in.

I could barely walk up my stairs to the bathroom I was so stiff and sore. I took two ibuprofin, sat in the ice bath for 8 long, and torturous minutes......

But...today? I feel fabulous! No soreness, no stiffness, and I am ready for another three workouts!

The true test of changing my eating is going to be this weekend. When I go to my family reunion. The polish side. Where I have to resist the most delicious foods known to man.

I'm taking, um, an apple, and some cucumbers, and a chicken breast.

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

2011-05-24T23:12:00.003-04:00

“When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.” - Iyanla Vanzant>

Me? I'm getting there....

Home Sweet Home...

2011-05-23T09:28:00.002-04:00

Well, I believe if you put things into the universe, they find their way to you. I said I wanted to buy a house this year. But I kept saying I'm not ready because I havn't saved any money. What if something breaks? Etc...Mostly, I'm afraid to hear that I can't get financed due to my past...(foreclosure, but it was over 10 years ago)

And then I went to my girlfriends to pick up a candle order, and noticed two houses down was for sale.

I kept thinking about it. It's in the same neighborhood I bought my house in when I was married, very decent, affordable, non-crackheady.

I took mom out over the weekend to see what she thought. Two car garage, fenced yard, giant front porch for sipping cocktails in my porch swing. Central a/c, remodeled kitchen, new furnace, new roof. Three bedrooms, one bath. 3 glorious stories for me and the fur herd.

So, whatever happens, happens - I'm taking a "step" toward my future. No more waiting on someone else to decide what they want before I make a move and that feels pretty damn good! Especially since I know that someone else couldn't find such an amazing deal on such a decked out house in that big city he refused to leave.

Boo-ya!

Walking on Sunshine...

2011-05-20T20:25:00.005-04:00

So tonight was my 8 week weigh in. My goal for May 31st was to lose 30lbs. After I started adding workouts to my boot camp commitments, I decided that 8 weeks was a better goal.

I am only 1lb short of that goal. So to me, I made it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost 29 lbs in 8 weeks, which means I averaged 4lbs/week.

That is 15lbs a month. (I even amaze myself!)

Done with hella hard workouts, (two a days 5 days a week) buckets of sweat, a score of dry heaves (which I have not had in the past couple weeks!) lots of hot spa baths, not giving into cravings, dedication, eating right, and eating ENOUGH and being stress free!

Having achieved this goal for me, has given me an indescribable sense of pride, and accomplishment!

Now, for the next 30lbs!

And if the world ends tomorrow, (which I do not believe in one bit) at least I'll go feeling on top of the world. With no regrets in any aspect of my life, and ready to come back to my cushy life as a fat pampered house cat, as reincarnation is my belief as a Buddhist .

Me-ow!

P.S. My latest "guilty" pleasure, is mashed cauliflower. Everyone says how it is a great alternative for mashed potatoes, and I concur!

1 head of cauliflower steamed
2 cloves garlic
1 sweet onion
1/4c spray butter (no calories)

Puree in the food processer until creamy and delicious! It's so filling, and you can season it so many ways!

Health Check!

2011-05-18T13:49:00.003-04:00

Work had the hospital come in today to conduct a biometrics test.

I am happy to report that I am a shining example of health! I even got smiley faces next to all my test results!

I was slightly worried, that going for a wellness test would produce some sign of un-wellness since I was just doing it for the heck of it.

But, I have lowered my blood pressure, which was good before my recent diet/exercise change. I have excellent blood sugar, cholesterol and my risk factor for cardiovascular disease is 2.7 (the goal is 4.3 or less)

The nutritionist said I am doing everything right as well, and had no advice for me. ME!

The bonus is, that I am only 1.7% short of being out of the obese 1 range and into obese on the BMI scale too. Last year, I was obese 3, despite the fact that I worked out 5 days a week.

I am excited to take the test again in a year and see how much more I improve over the year.

Healthy? Yea, that's me!

Laugh Your Ass off...

2011-05-16T11:01:00.003-04:00

Go see Bridesmaids.

Take your girlfriends.

Laugh out loud!

This was one of my favorite parts, when she mixes some pills with scotch on the plane!

Go!

Drill Sergeant...

2011-05-09T20:41:00.008-04:00

Saturday, I did an outdoor run. I never do these, because, well, lets face it they are way harder than on the treadmill. I did 4 miles, at about a 12 minute mile pace with a girlfriend, she kept going to do 10 and I did two with her, and two back. Four for me inside is cake.

Outside? Ummm...I felt that all weekend!

Tonight at boot camp I was made an example of, for the first time.

After we did 200 "run it over's" (which is four run counts to the right, jump squat, and four jumping jacks, then to the left) (where I threw up in my mouth exactly three times...what IS the secret to not getting nauseus?) I was "too slow" picking out weights, so she made me do football runs for five minutes.

Then while we were doing speed bicep curls, she asked me if I thought I was in the Matrix tonight and stood in front of me while I did them faster.

Have I mentioned this is over the sound system w/a microphone?

I pay a hefty rate to be pushed like that, and it's worth every penny.

And now, some photos for the hell of it.

My Mr. Magoodle the shih-poodle and his purple elephant. Having 10 teeth pulled didn't put a damper on the cute!

Someone has a muscle!!!

Obligatory weight update..

2011-05-06T20:56:00.011-04:00

Today at work I sported a fitted T-shirt, and a size smaller jeans. I got a lot of comments on my weight loss. The pounds aren't astronomical, but I am definatly shrinking, and my old clothes just don't fit, at all. It was a sort of "coming out" for me. I felt amazing!

I love having a waist, muscles, and a pep in my step!

So far, I'm down 24lbs in 6 weeks after my official weigh in tonight.

A mere 16lbs to goal!!!! I'm over half way there! After that, I'm aiming for a size, not number, so whatever happens, happens.

I will say, that I can't wait until I am on maintenance, and I am not doing double workouts each day. Two showers a day, two make up applications, two blow dries, two flat irons, two workout outfits to wash, it's all a hassle. (the second wouldn't be so necessary if I didn't have a super duper crush on a security guard that patrols my area at the office....swoon.)

Tonight after bootcamp, I didn't want to shower and primp AGAIN before shopping, so I just spritzed some of my dog's powder fresh cologne in my hair and blew it dry. Classy!!! Don't knock it til you've tried it!! (and I have Jonathon Anton's "redo" spray, it has nothing on my dog's spray!)

I started weight training two weeks ago (P90X, and Jillians 30 day shred) a few days a week, so my weigh ins have gone from 6lbs a week to 2, and then 3 the past two weeks.

I was disappointed at first, until I reminded myself, that to lose 3lbs, I had to burn off 10,500 calories in 5 days to achieve it. And then I kinda feel bad-ass instead!

Tonight I was told to eat MORE. How awesome is that? I'm doing 10 workouts in 5 days, so I need to up my calorie intake in the form of another small meal. Never in a billion years did I think what I am eating now, would ever fill me up or sustain me, but it really does.

Just like everything in life, weight loss is a mind game. Happiness, success, you name it. If you get your mind to believe you can achieve it, the rest just falls into place.

I continue to feel the happiest I have ever felt, and believe the universe knows what is in store for me, so I don't stress.

Whenever anything is meant to happen, it will happen. And I my friends, am open, and ready!!

Tomorrow? An eleventh workout for the week, a four mile run with my girlfriend...as I plan on imbibing some delicious, sweet, ever-friendly wine in celebration of being the best me I can be!!

Are You a Warrior?

2011-05-04T15:07:00.002-04:00

According to the dictionary, a warrior is "a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness as in politics or athletics"

That totally sounds like me, right??!!

Well, I am, dear interwebs, going to participate in the Warrior Dash! in September.

This looks like the most fun ever, scaling walls, conquering hills, crawling thru mud, jumping over fire, trudging through water, drinking beer, and eating turkey legs! (ok, so minus the turkey leg thing...)

I'm going with a group of friends, and have just tried enlisting some fellow boot campers to attend, as a team building experience.

You get the satisfaction of kicking the ass of three hellish miles. I mean, I am doing REAL push ups now, and by September, I'm going to kick this courses ass.

Plus..you get a furry viking hat with horns, what more could you ask for?

I literally feel unstoppable!

Good things and Good People...(namely ME)

2011-05-03T09:17:00.005-04:00

I had mentioned before how things at the job were changing. The new boss thing went through. No one really can stand this person, I told this persons boss, who asked me before making the change, that I can get along with anyone. And, I really can. I'm easy going, go with the flow.

Let's hope I don't eat my words. But the reason behind it was selfish...my development as a manager with the company will be more attended to with the new boss.

But this isn't about stuffy old work stuff.

I met with my old boss who first, who told me that my merit increase went through. Which, you know, 3% is always nice to see each year. But on top of that? The company decided to re-evaluated my salary, and that I needed an adjustment. So, ummmmm, someone ended up getting a 7.5% raise!!!!!! (ME!!) (this also means my BONUS next year will be even MORE!!!)

I was completely caught off guard. I mean, when I was promoted from a lowely secretary, I couldn't believe the raise they gave me, which doubled my salary at the time and enabled me to quit working two jobs.

Now? All I have to say is that I am sure glad my job at my last company was eliminated after 7 faithful years, which led me to the current employer. And that I didn't waste tens of thousands on college, and instead went to vocational school to learn my office-ly talents, was taught a good work ethic from my parents, and am just plain awesome.

Oh, and I'm also glad that I get a bad-ass discount on jewelry, because in celebration of my new found wealth, I am trading in my 1/3ct princess cut earrings, for 1/2ct! HALVES! I can hardly stand it! Before you know it I'll be on my way to full carats!

Ok, so I'm also being responsible and putting the entire raise automatically into a savings account, so that I can buy new furniture, and save for my very own house, since I seem to be getting along just fine without it.

I can hardly believe how fantastic things are going, just because I believed they would! It's kinda my reward for being jerked around the past few years. I'll take it!

P.S. Officially only two sizes from REAL goal size. I am into my "I'll live with it" size. But I'm not settling!

I think I'm going to get my run on while listening to this song today. Oh yea.

Keith Urban - You'll Think Of Me

2011-04-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

Bizzee...

2011-04-26T15:05:00.004-04:00

Jenkies, I've been hella busy. My work days are flying by. I have been doing 10 workouts a week in addition, and it seems like before I know it, it's going to be fall!

The good news about all of this is, I am down 20lbs in my first month, and well on my way to my 40lb goal! I can hardly believe how fast it is coming off, but I guess when you put in the effort you have to see results. I am really kicking some serious ass.

The good part is my clothes are falling off of me. That's also the bad part. With the cost of bootcamp, and healthy eating, I don't have much left for a new wardrobe, and havn't yet decided what to do about it. I have some smaller clothes I have been filling in with, but that wont get me through the summer.

I want to wait until goal to buy lots of stuff!

I also started P90X on my "off day" from bootcamp.

I survived Easter with having about a cup of mashed potatos, and a small 1/4" sliver of white cake as my only cheat, and no candy. It really is all in the mind. Once you master your mind, it's not so hard to resist foods. It seemed so impossible for years. I always had the workouts down, but not the food.

I'm interviewing for a new secretary, doing three jobs in the process, and possibly getting a new boss which may have its good and bad points. It will help develop me as a manager, but theres potential for conflict.

So, I'm just doing me right now. I'm finding time to attend meditation, and tan in between my busy workout schedule, take the dog to the park, and visit friends and family, and I look forward to redbox movies and a (me size) glass of wine on the weekend with the dog and cats. I am content.

I'm making myself a priority. And I must say, it feels absolutely fantastic! I've never been happier! It feels amazing to accomplish goals I've set for myself, and really change my life even more for the better.

And, I have a crush on someone at work. I know, right? It's innocent enough, it makes for lots of laughs if nothing else.

Young Love, A Facebook Story...

2011-04-14T09:33:00.004-04:00

I know everyone loves how facebook brings back people from your past, but this is one I had totally forgotten about, and it made me nostalgic for the good old days! I got a friend request from a guy I tried to place the name that sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't see the picture until I accepted him. I am not big on accepting strangers as friends, so I quickly visited his page after friending him, before (if he were a creep) he could creep on my profile, and get into my bizness! It was him! This boy I use to "go with". You remember, when your parents always thought it was HIGH larious to say "where are you going?"

Only this wasnt an average going out kinda thing. I went to one school and he went to another. I don't even really remember how exactly we met...but the important thing is, we did meet. And we use to write letters, and send pictures back and forth. (Mind you if we drove it was like a 15 minute drive to this other school)

But yea, like letters, with a pen and notebook paper. And pictures, not digital, ones that you had to take to get developed, and could actually hold in your hand. And pin up in your locker! And had phone calls, you know like when the phone rang into your house, and if you weren't home you didn't get it, so you would sit by the phone...willing it to ring. Getting pissed when your Mom gabbed on the phone for hours!

And seeing each other? This occurred only twice. At his schools football game, and my schools football game. And it wasn't like we spent the whole game together, oh no..I was in THE BAND, and we only had the third quarter free. "Third quarter privleges" this is called.

So we had made plans to meet, so we could walk around the track and hold hands. Holding hands! This one simple thing, was so exciting!

I guess I am getting older because I really miss the times before I met assholes who hurt me, and ruined that hopeful young love. Who made me think that holding hands wasn't enough, and I wasn't enough.

When things were simple. When distance didn't matter, and you didn't worry that someone would "cheat" on you because you were never around. And..getting a phone call or a letter was enough to sustain something.

Cravings....

2011-04-12T14:57:00.006-04:00

I didn't die from not giving into these cravings. But ever notice how much you want things simply cus you can't have them? Why is that, oh great and wise universe?

Root beer float

Cream Soda

Reese Cup

Starburst jelly beans

Girl Scout Cookies

Pita bread that came with my salad and I had to give away

A Coke (ca-cola) with lots of ice, fizzy deliciousness

Oddly enough, someone's ramon noodles at work

Mashed potatos, with cheese, rice, stuffing, and ranch dressing all mixed up in a bowl!

Chocolate Vodka

Whipped Cream Vodka

Cherry Vodka

Orange Vodka

Blueberry Vodka

Vodka Vodka

Sunkist to mix with above vodkas

Reese Eggs (now they have teeny tiny ones too....)

Someone to blow up the Reese factory so no more eggs can be made. If i cant have em no one should!

A new puppy, not to eat, but to distract me from wanting to eat.

A whole block of cheese. I'm not picky about the type. Just as long as I get the whole block.

A carton of girl scout samoas ice cream by Edy's. mmmmmm

A glass of milk (I mean seriously, I can't even have MILK for 12 weeks!!!!)

Any whole entire bottle of wine from Breitenbach's Winery, because they are all so good. But in particular, Roadhouse red. Or, Raspberry. Oh my!!!!

Deep fried tater tots, covered in mounds of ketchup

chicken salad on a bagel

A giant Blue Moon on draft

Make that two Blue Moon's

The only really great thing I can say about not having these above named items, is that I didn't die from it. I usually get panicked when I have a craving like if I don't give in to it, I'll just die.

I've also learned that after 3 weeks of not having any processed foods, sugar, or complex carbs, that I really don't get hungry nearly as often as I did before. This is also because I am to eat every few hours like clockwork, hungry or not.

Happy Post...

2011-04-11T09:03:00.009-04:00

Someone lost another six pounds (12lb 2 week total) this past week, along with 4% body fat. While I'm super excited and proud, it is a LOT of work! I am working out 8 times in 5 days, and pretty much my life is working out right now. It's working out, thinking about working out, thinking about eating every few hours and planning my day around it, and when I'm weighing in so I can get my workouts in, lots and lots of sleep, and washing of sweaty ass clothes.

It really takes a lot of dedication and time, and effort. I don't have much time for socializing, although I did manage to go to dinner and a movie the past two weekends, and I made good choices, and still lost weight. And I probably made the waitresses think I was a fish, as I drink on average 5 glasses of water with dinner. It helps with the cravings..and the urge to reach out and steal someone elses bread, and run off with it while screaming "my preciousssssss."

Overheard at bootcamp this past week "ok jacks, 30 sets (of 10) 29....28....27....26.....26.....27....30....29"

This went on and on and on until oh I don't know we did a gillion sets instead of 30.

And on Friday, I had A GLASS of wine and enjoyed it. Not that I don't enjoy an entire bottle of wine, but I guess when you think about adding another day worth of workouts into the mix to burn it off, it puts it all into perspective.

What else did I do this weekend? Well I got my bonus at work so I had work done to the car and it drives swimmingly! Then I had work on the dog done. We sat at a shot clinic (to benefit the animal rescue so its worth it) for 2.5 hours. Then he had a vet appointment, his very first one. Where I learned what was wrong with his poopie little eye. He suffered a puncture wound as a puppy and it was never treated, and scarred over, and that is why its so much smaller than his other eye. I think every day I hate puppy mills a little bit more, if that is possible. I'm so glad he has me for a Momma now, and knows love, snuggly beds, scratches on the head, treats and "play".

At the dog park, a big dog peed on little Magoo's head. He didn't even miss a beat and kept on trucking.

I mean, look at his post-doggie park, going bye bye in the car happy face!

It's good to have dreams....Unless they terrify you..

2011-04-06T09:21:00.004-04:00

I've been having some recurring dreams latley. I'm trapped somewhere. In a car, in a closet, in an elevator, and I can't breathe. In my dream I think..."I'm not claustrophobic....wake up...wake up"

And I wake up gasping for air. My favorite dream to have, is when I'm sleeping and I'm either in bed, and wake up to a man over me, about to attack me and I can't scream. Or, I'm asleep, and I get up to pee, and someone is hiding in my bathroom closet to attack me, and I can't scream. Or a ghost attacks me and I can't scream, and it won't leave.

Last night, the ghost was Ellen Degeneres. The common theme is I can't scream. It means that I've been left alone to deal with something and I wish someone would hear and help me. (in dream interpretation) Gee, now I wonder what this would have to do with.

Not the fact that I end just about every night in bed thinking about someone I really should despise. I need to get over that. Pronto! The fact that I'm physically exhausted from my workouts, is enough to make me insane. Add to that at least one nightmare an evening, where I can't fall back asleep for hours. Then sprinkle it with a dash of one of my employees got promoted (good for her, and me cus I'm the one who hired her) at the exact same time that I have one going out on maternity leave, making me do THREE peoples jobs, plus interview and hire a new person, and you have a recipe for the next couple of months flying by.

I also have to deal with one (annoying coworker) not getting the job and having some animocity towards the other.

Week 1 Result...

2011-04-04T09:17:00.002-04:00

Well the fruits of my labor have paid off. Week one I'm down 6lbs. Which is 1lb a day since the program started sunday and ended Friday. This is a result of a very intricate diet, which I have all individually frozen in the freezer for my convenience. And 8 workouts in 6 days. So, no starvation tactics needed. Just pure old fashioned ass kicking. I am determined to keep an average of 4lbs to meet my 12 week goal! If I do that, I will have lost 100lbs!! (in 4 years mind you) I stopped craving carbs so desperately. After just a few days. I'm not sure why but giving them up other times made me unbearably miserable. I think since I'm having them in the natural form helps. But what I havn't stopped thinking and dreaming about is this.

Why would they come out with such a monstrosity? I have thought about buying one and freezing it so I can enjoy some in 12 weeks, but I know myself. And I know that I'll inevitably in a moment of weakness hack it apart in its frozen form and eat it all.

Reese eggs are the devil.

Speaking of the devil, I saw Insidious this weekend. It was cre-eee-epy.

Love/Hate...

2011-03-30T11:31:00.004-04:00

I rejoined bootcamp. I'm on a 12 week program, and it's no joke. I'm tired. Sore. Tired. and here are some hilights.

We have to wear all black. Because the instructor likes it. Anything you wear that isn't black, including under garments if they show, is $5.

You have to track all your food. If you don't bring your meal tracker, $10.

You weigh in once a week, for every pound you gain? $5.

If someone in the class stops any given exercise, we start all over. If anyone doesn't do the exercise right, they are called out over the speaker system, and we are all made to do them over again "this one is for soo and soooooooo"

They don't care if you can't do a push up. You will do them, or the whole class has to keep trying until you succeed. I can't express how badly my arms hurt from this.

Not counting out loud, and LOUD results in starting back at 10. If someone isn't counting you want to punch them in the face. This is suppose to promote teamwork.

Can't do 1,000 jumping jacks? You'd be suprised what you can do when the whole class is pissed at you.

No bread, or even whole grains. (sob)

And the worst most horrid thing ever. No alchohol. I am sure I'll sneak a vodka soda here or there, with fifteen limes. But it will be straight vodka. No delicious cherry or chocolate vodka. And only after I've been on a consistent weight loss for a few weeks.

You can bet your bottom dollar that I am going to meet my May 31st goal of losing 30 lbs, or 2 sizes whichever comes first.

I love the department of motor vehicles!

2011-03-29T09:30:00.007-04:00

As stated last week, I made the big trek to the BMV and got my liscense reinstated, and my plates back from the horrid drunk plates. (I feel sorry for people who visit Ohio from NY, just so you know, everyone thinks you are a drunk because of your plates)

I had some trouble with the girl trying to tell me I couldn't have my old plates, and she had to make phone calls and do her job. If you are in training, you pretty much shouldn't be left alone on a busy Saturday to your own devices!

When I got my liscense I asked, don't I need to fill anything out? " No, its a duplicate liscense, you dont fill anything out." Guess who got a letter in the mail yesterday from the BMV stating that they have some new people and unfortunatly they made a mistake and I need to go back and provide proof of who I am.

So, if you live in the Fairlawn area and you'd like a new identity apparently it's pretty easy to get one at the BMV there. Oh, it's not an inconvenience at all that I have to go back. I don't have to wait in line, simply present my letter at the desk. I mean, what else could I ask for? Money for the gas it will cost me to make an extra trip?

(here's where I become my mother) I'm going to write Columbus and tell them what a bunch of dickwads they have working there, and how much of an inconvenience they have made this entire process. I doubt I get anything out of it, other than the satisfaction that someone will feel the need to call me a bitch, and pass around my letter for the day. And...that's ok.

Fancy Feast® Cat Food Commercial - The Engagement

2011-03-28T13:59:00.000-04:00

Wherefore art thou....Romeo?

Three Things...

2011-03-24T12:36:00.007-04:00

1. I'm suppose to go out to see a band tonight. But I'm contimplating not going, because I'm not being picked up. Is this too much to expect from a guy, or what? I don't think it is. Or am I expecting a mind reader and I should tell said person I prefer to be picked up? Or, should I make up a story and just not go, and say...see you on Saturday, when you come pick me up?

I've got a little thing going these days called a zero tolerance for bullshit. I am too old and have no time for it. I know what I want so why pretend that I don't? I wouldn't want to be a (insert exassholemanfriends last name here) and drag someone along with me while I pretend that what I want really isnt what I want.

Supriiiiiise!

No thank you!

Also, I still dont have liscense plates. I have a peice of paper in my back window. I have a wobbly tire, a headlight out, and a prior dui. I'm like screaming to be pulled over.

I might just become a hermit. It's way less stressful.

2. More changes at work. Where now I'm responsible for making sure management gets their pay/promotions/ increases in a timely manner. Ummmm, this has made me "annoying in your business all the time boss" because I am so scared someones going to fall thru the cracks. No one really ever notices the good things you do. But fuck up their pay? You better change your name and move to Canada.

3. I start bootcamp again this weekend. It's cheaper than crossfit, and I know that it works. So, I'm prepared to do 1500 jumping jacks in a row, and be responsible for other people suffering if I fail in a class. I work best under pressure!

I Like Projects...

2011-03-22T12:15:00.001-04:00

Here is Mr. Magoo. We've almost been together for a year now. This was him when he was first rescued from his puppy mill cage, and shaved of all his pretty hair. And some adorable pictures of him since, like, you know, him showing off his tinkler. So, in my responsible voice, I urge you to take a chance on a rescue dog, because look how totally handsome he is! Sure, he has one bad eye, he's already 5, and took months to come out of his shell...but he loves me more than my dog of 15 years ever did. And he was way easier to potty train than a puppy!

This is my ugly brown cabinet from the Goodwill, that I painted for about 6 hours and put some new knobs on. I have since added two bottles of vodka, and some bar accessories as well inside.

Here we have it in its natural habitat! I got that palm on the clearance rack at Lowe's for $5. My best unkept secret is the plant clearance rack at Lowe's. If you like houseplants, you know they cost a buttload. You can get half dead ones cheap, and love them back to life. My ivy on top of the new wine cabinet, was $2.50.

Sweet Taste of Freedom...

2011-03-21T09:22:00.007-04:00

So this weekend, marked my return to the road. Of course, first I had to deal with a bunch of dipshits at the BMV, not suprisingly. I got to swap out my drunk plates for my personalized plates that I've had since my Dad died, and he had for years before that. They mean something to me, so when I got the notice that I had to have drunk plates, I made sure to ask what happened to my personalized plates in the meantime.

They hold them for a year.

After having to do her job and make TWO PHONE CALLS, I am getting my plates back. I have no idea why everyone in the world seems to be smarter than workers at the BMV.

And then they took my liscense picture, where I have half a smile and look like I may have had a stroke at some point in my life. But, hey, I can drive so fuck it!

In fun news, I took Magoo to the dog park for the first time ever. He LOVED it. He ran around and met all the dogs, sniffed tons of butts, and penises, and peed on lots of trees! Remember little gooder is a puppy mill rescue who is super shy to everyone but me. Well he ran around and stopped at strangers for pets, and played with dogs.

We all stood around and talked about our kids when they played together. I think I found a place that I belong. I felt like a proud Mom watching my kid interact with others for the first time. He was well behaved, well liked, and everyone thought he was so handsome.

Who needs stretchmarks, and a sore vagina?

Look Mom! I got friends!

He got extra excited when he found little dogs! This shih tzu (Magoo is in the blue collar) behind him had a tongue that stuck out!

This was when we first got there, he was so excited.

Reason 345,678,902 not to have kids, I didn't have to buy my dog something to make his day, he was so happy to run around and play with other dogs.

The Wait Is Over....

2011-03-18T16:40:00.001-04:00

FREE AT LAST.

FREE AT LAST.

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY.

I AM FREE AT LAST!