"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My Polish Side...

Today we said goodbye to Grandma. It occurred to me that her being 96 meant that she was already in her 60's when I was born. Time goes by so fast. In honor of not being sad, I'm sharing great things I learned today from my Dad's brothers.

1) Always pee when there is a restroom available
2) Remember to brush your eyebrows when they are wet, that way they stay where you put them.
3) Don't practice buddhism if you want to see them in heaven. I was after all, baptized catholic you know.
4) Free food doesn't count when you are on a diet, because there isn't enough free food in the world that can make you fat. (this may become my new mantra...)

And my favorite lesson was one on odds.

During hurricane Hugo, my uncle, aunt, cousin, and sister donned foil hats. There were trees crashing down all over the yard, and my uncle said that the odds of a tree falling on the house, and crushing them were good...but what are the odds that a tree would smash into a house and kill four people wearing foil hats?

You can't beat those odds.

Who says Polish people are dumb? They all survived, and a tree never hit the house.

One of the memories that came to me today about Grandma was when her and Grandpa got me a chocolate ice cream cone, and I sat and cried as it melted all over my hand, and their car while they kept telling me to eat it.....I didn't like chocolate. I didn't want any part of that stupid ice cream cone, and they finally had to take it away from me.

I would later grow up and eat chocolate to the point where my life now has to be working out to get rid of it.

Kid's may not be as stupid as I thought.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Feeling Accomplished...

I run 6 miles a day... inside. I guess I call this easy, when compared to the once a week outdoor runs I do at a little over 3 miles. Outside is hard. Tree roots, mud, inclines, humidity, no TV.

Inside, I know the first 2 miles are flat, and then I increase/decrease the incline for the next 4 miles depending on how I am feeling, and I'm watching the View, or the food network on TV.

I don't enjoy getting sweaty...but in a sick twisted way, its like a measuring stick of how hard I work. At bootcamp, we have to wear all black, so I don't get to see the results in my clothes, but my hair gets soaked clear to the tips...and I have some long hair! That's a good workout.

This weekend, I tried a trail that when I would walk it last summer, about kicked my ass. So, this time?

I ran it.

I ran the flat, and slight hills the entire time. But then, there are about 6 hills that look like this:
Ummm, I walked up these steep, and muddy hills, and then got right back to a faster pace when I got to the top! I much prefer trail running as opposed to towpath running. The towpath is nice and flat, and crushed gravel, and oh yea, BORING! It's bad enough you are working out... why suffer with nothing but other runners to look at?

I like the deer, the water, the bridges, the chipmunks scurrying out of my way (why are these little things always so busy?) jumping over puddles, tree roots, and trudging through mud! I heart nature, and...I hate boring! I zone out and consider this a running meditation. I think about all my thoughts, and feel all my feelings.

And then...by the end of my run, I looked like this.

Boob Sweat? I got it!

Needless to say, my sweat-ometer told me that I had a successful run. (did you know that I'm a runner? shut up!)

The only shitty part about it was that I had JUST gotten 3 inches cut off my hair, tri-color hilights, and an awesome blow-out, which all went to shit a mere hour after my hair appointment.

Oh well, I kicked that trail's ass, and I felt freaking amazing!

Friday, June 24, 2011

A New Kinda Stash...And, a Douchebag...

Remember how I said this week is all big meetings and I had reese cups and normally I'd run around and hoard junk food? Well, this time, I hoarded all the fruit. Whenever I entered a room, and grabbed something I giggled out loud. Boy have I changed!

Check out my stash!!!!!

That's over a week's worth of snacks for me! I'd have eaten all the cookies in a day.

I had a 2lb loss tonight, bringing my 13 week total to 46lbs!! Which I'm happy with because:

1) I'm getting closer to goal and it may start to slow down so a loss is a bonus!
2) I missed a few miles this week
3) I've had a consistent loss for 13 weeks now
4) My instructor messaged me on our fitness site and said I was looking good she saw me in my shorts this week

In douchebag news, I had a date tonight. Early this morning, I found out my 96 year old Grandma passed away, natural causes. I was stressed out from work already, and then sad because I hadn't visited her in a while, so I was down in the dumper. I'm sad that my Dad's side of the family is slowly fading out. And sad because I'm getting older. Then I was sad when I thought that if I believed in heaven, my Dad would be there to greet her. Personally, I saw her in all the birds today. That's just my thing.

So, I texted my date bright and early, and told him I wasn't up for going out because my Grandmother had passed away.

And....... I never got a response. Not an Ok. Not an I'm sorry...nada. Zilch. Zip!

Um, you can happily cross yourself off my future husband list! And chalk it up as your loss! Let this cocksmoker try to ask me out on another date. Who wants to spend their golden years with someone who doesn't even acknowledge when a family member dies? /rant

In crush news, we found out last week my security guard crush at work has a girlfriend. One of my friends asked him. (isn't this so high school...???) Then, I caught him twice today passing my desk, and after clearing my cubicle opening (I have high walls) he turned around and looked me dead in the eyes. I know this because I still look at him when he walks by. Crushes with girlfriends are like diets, you can look but not touch.

Maybe his girlfriend isn't a looker?

Maybe he thought my friend was asking for herself?

The world, may never know. What I do know is now when he comes thru the department and all the girls are abuzz with excitement for me, I simply announce...."Ladies, we totally broke up, and it's his loss"

I think I should get "It's his loss" tattooed on my ass.

Universe: Please do not let me get drunk one night and think that is actually a good idea.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Letting myself off the hook...

It's the most busy week known to me at work in the history of the work year.

I'm a stress eater. Normally, I'd visit all the meeting rooms, and pick up all the leftover cookies, bagels, candies, and juices and bring them to my department, and stash some at my desk, and have like...five cookies in a row. And like a snickers. And a bagel for good measure. And some cokes. And then I'd feel like vomiting afterwards.

Today, I had 5 mini reese cups. I felt like total shit, because a couple of times I've had carbs, but never sugar. Sugar is my nemesis!

I couldn't do my usual 6 miles, because I was putting fires out, and only got 3 miles after work, followed by my hour bootcamp class. (which was so hard, my KNEES were sweating!)

And by the end of the day, I let myself off the hook. Because the 200 calories I consumed in those reese cups pales in comparison to my usual stress binge, and I still did my workouts. I still won. I still didn't give in to my usual urges to over do it.

So...I went home, took off my sweat soaked clothes, and enjoyed my scalding hot spa bath.

Then, I poured myself a glass of sangria, cut in half with seltzer water, and decided that slip ups don't mean I am a failure. I am human. I make mistakes just like anyone else. The difference is, I didn't say my usual "well I might as well eat bad all day because I blew it" and I still stuck to my snacks, and regular calorie meals, and didn't try to "make up for it" by not having dinner.

To me, it was a victory.

I'm smiling inside. And that's all this girl needs!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

A Post weight loss photo!

Here I am in March, in a bad cell phone photo before, with my fat clearly pointed out with my professional arrow.

Here is me post 44lb weight loss! Where I have something called a waist! I havn't been this size since High School!

I still had a 3lb loss this week which makes me very happy. Now I want to get to the 50lb mark(which will actually be a 95lb total loss!) I think I can get further than I had expected! Who thought eating right and working out three times a day actually worked?

I'm focused!

Friday, June 17, 2011


So you know how I'm the coolest supervisor in the world, right? Well everyone has their breaking point. The best part about my work, is they mainly promote from within. I work with 14 Vice Presidents who all started out in retail. No one handed them their jobs, they earned them.

I've blogged about annoying coworker before. She's related to everyone, including the Kellogs (of the cereal fortune) MC Hammer (she's white, from WV) and like 15 presidents.

I'm not joking.

But she doesn't have much common sense. Today? I had to give her a verbal warning, for arguing with a VP.

Ok, she's a secretary, to 5 VP's...... and she was arguing with one of the VP's. He didn't even want me to say anything, but I heard thru the grapevine what went down, and approached him about it. Because it's like, my JOB to keep this department running smoothly, right?

He use to be "my" VP too. He's totally sweet. Laid back, easy going, nice as can be, (cute!) and all 14 of them, treat each one of us like gold, never look down on us, or act like they are in any way above us.

You don't find that everywhere.

I had to give a 40 something woman, a talk about perception. And how you may not think you are being argumentative, but you always have to be aware of how others may perceive your actions. You don't tell a VP that they are wrong. There are ways of going about this sort of thing. Like, calling your supervisor (me) to smooth over the situation.

I mean, call me crazy, but to me this is common sense.

This brings me to my dilemma. Week night drinking. I have partaken in wine three nights this week, and I'm terrified of weighing in as a result.

Three hour workouts all week? Yes. Sticking to the diet? Yes, aside from wine. Which until now, has been strictly enjoyed on Friday nights, with 7 days to burn off all the calories.

I finally got "don't work out just to eat".....and now, I'm worried about "don't work out just to drink."

Friday night? Girls night! Pre-party at my house with some Moscato, before trekking it up to the Highland Theater (yes, they have a full bar inside!) to see Hangover 2, and have some much needed laughs, and girl bonding.

I am so stinking excited!

And maybe, even some dancing at the local non-hetero bar next door, where they make the best vodka sodas, play the best music, and is within walking distance, or a $5 cab ride home.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Peices of Me....

I get all sorts of messages from the dating sites. One thing I can say for losing weight, the quality of men (looks wise) has really shot up for me.

On the same note, the cute ones are just as douchy as the sorta cute ones are. Instead of trying to get right into your pants (because this is obviously what chubby girls want, right?) they try to act slick about it. But, most of us can see right through this. It isn't that I don't want someone to get in my pants, cus that would be quite nice, thank you...but I'm not giving the milk away when the cow attached to it is a pretty good catch!

I got a really great message from this one guy, who actually read my profile, which is really detailed, and totally "me", and touched on so many of our "shared interests" including buddhism, which is a bonus for me.

I thought, wow, this guy might actually warrant a response.

I went to his profile, and it was all written like.."yes, I will bring you flowers for no reason, yes we can go to the dog park when its superbowl Sunday" etc....

The first No?

"No, the animals can not sleep in bed with us"

This is where I quit reading.


Then my Mom's voice is in my head "you're never going to find someone that is Ok with all those animals"

Well..then I don't want him. Especially if you have a human kid. My pets are way less baggage, and if they want to keep my feet warm, I'm OK with it. I don't want human kids but I'm not opposed to the possibility, and you have a problem with a cat on the pillow?

My future Mr. Me, is going to be super cute, a fabulous kisser, hilarious, awesome in the sack, and love everything about me. Including the fact that I am compassionate for all things, including cats, and dogs!

I didn't respond.

And he sent me several other messages, about how he was waiting to get to know me, and he couldn't wait.

So I just responded...

"You wouldn't like it in my bed, I have 4 cats and a dog"

This is the part where I am not needy and desperate, and I know what I want. And I am not willing to compromise.

Not anymore. I'm done with maybe this, and maybe that, and the "some day's".

The last 3 years of my life was spent waiting for a guy to get his head out of his ass and realize what we had. He only seemed to get that, when he dumped me. Three times. And while I really miss what we had, I remind myself that if he thought what we had was what I thought we had, we'd be living happily ever after. And the fact that I keep thinking about him is more about being lonely, than about us.

The future Mr. Me is out there, and until I find him, I'm not wasting anymore time on people who are not what I want. I don't need someone for "the meantime". I'm not a dater. I'm a relationship girl. I always have been, and this is who I will always be.

In the meantime, I have my family, my friends, and my own life and interests to keep me entertained. The future Mr. Me, is going to be worth the wait... the tears.. the times I miss being held at night, and the yeeeearrrrs of mis-steps off of my path, with people who now...I wouldn't give a second look, or a second thought to... and make me thankful that I finally found what I was looking for.

The future Mr. Me is going to hold my hand, and walk down the road with me. Not let go, and run away. Not try to drag me in another direction. We will walk together. Toward what we both want. Laughing, and acting like we are 17 the entire way.

Why did it take me 35 years to get here? Well...the universe has been throwing stones at me all my life. But I ignored them.

Then, I got hit with a boulder, and now....? I'm listening.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Where I have a guardian or something..

I had my brakes done Saturday. My girlfriends husband did them for me, the lights been on a while, like....months...but as I often do, I ignored it. Hi, see me, the bright red brake light? Yea, I'm on because your brakes pretty much suck ass, and you should probably replace me.

Last week I happened to not be jamming to the radio in the stratus, and I heard a terrible grinding when I stopped. And then, a terrible grinding when I drove.

When he took my pads off, he showed me that all that was left of my brakes was a piece of paper. Cus that's real safe. Having brakes that work is a whole new concept for me, obviously. How I didn't die from my own negligence is some sort of miracle.

The same day, I went for my Saturday morning run (which never ceases to amaze me...I am a runner?! SHUT UP!) and I have a routine. I wear my flip flops, and change into my sneakers in the front seat, and I tie the mobile lock to my shoe laces, lock the door, put my keys in my purse, purse in the trunk, and take off.

This time for some reason, I decided to put my shoes on, at the trunk and put my flip flops in the trunk, instead of my purse.... closed the trunk, and got my run on.

Forty minutes, and 4.8 miles later, I exit the trail and see my car is the only one left in the lot. And...my driver side door is hanging wide OPEN!

All the blood rushes from my face, the adrenaline kicks in, and I think a billion horrible thoughts as I truck it to the car, and notice, my purse on the passenger seat, my PURSE IS STILL THERE? I rummage thru it, all my credit cards, cash, blackberry...everything in tact. What?? My keys?? Oh, those are just IN the IGNITION.

As hokey as it may sound, I really did count my blessings that night. I got up, worked out, hung out with three of my girlfriends on three separate adventures, and felt really lucky just to have enough friends to fill up an entire Saturday. I ended the night with my new favorite wine...a moscato (where have you been all my life???) And to top it off? I saw my first rainbow of the year!

I was on top of the world, happy to be me, loving life, and if gas weren't so damned expensive, I'd have searched for that pot of gold!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride...

So as I mentioned I had a date. It was a friend of a friend, but I'm on some dating sites, I havn't really found anyone worth dating but I'm there. I check my mail now and then, and mostly hit delete, and thank the nice ones I don't find attractive, or that are in their 50's and say "I can pass for 35" (I can pass for 25, so bite me) for their compliments.

I say yes, I am an awesome girl, what I have in my profile is real, yes those are recent pictures, no I don't want to have sex with you. That sorta thing.

Last night I was on, and I got a text message on my blackberry, from my date, "what are you doing on (insert site name here)?". I just texted "being social" and heard nothing back.

In retrospect, I should have said "the same fucking thing you are doing?!" Douchebag! I didn't know I was exclusive after a few hours together. My Momma says its the family curse. Guys fall too fast for us.

Obviously, he's not the future Mr. me, so, um....NEXT!

In other news, I weighed in tonight with another impressive 4lb loss! I was pretty nervous because I had string cheese a few days (I've been off cheese mainly) and drank two nights during the week, when I usually only drink on Friday night so I have 7 days to burn off the calories.

This puts me at an 11 week loss of 41lbs....a mere 19lbs to my goal. Ideally, I should lose 35 more pounds to be the "ideal weight for my height" but I'm ideal enough without the scale, so it can suck it!

The bad news for the week is I have to have a root canal. After the pain I've endured with said tooth, it's a welcome thing.

My dentist actually said "we try to make them fun here". I think that it may be code for they are loose with the gas, but we'll see?!

In even BIGGER news, I made first contact with the hot security guy I have a crush on at work. I said "Hi" as I almost plowed into him, while eating an apple. I'm working on my smoothness, because normally, I'd have averted my eyes and went the other direction.

All the girls at work are pulling for me, and I find it completely delightful!

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Breaking the shell...

I'm shy. Which seems to come as a suprise to people who know me, because, duh they know me. But I have such a time talking to people I don't know, and if you are a cute boy? Fugetabout it!

I was at the dog park last weekend (where I'm 99% sure I'm going to meet my next husband, if I don't in fact, marry the security guy at work that I have the hots for) and it was like 100 degrees and there was 3 people there.

One was, a cute boy, and his cute dog, Charlie. Cute boy was like me, - following the dog around with his camera phone, and taking pictures of it. Anyone who does this in public, is destined to be mine. So I channeled my inner "mom" (my mom would talk the ear off of an ant if it sat still long enough to listen) and smiled at the boy. This was the day after buying new small clothes, and I decided to fix my hair before going to the park, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And, we began to talk. Until it was just the two of us at the park! (the other person left....) We got our dogs at the same rescue, both had previously had dogs from a pet store who lived lives of sickness. I thought, OMG we are totally getting married. I felt like I was witty when he was searching for his dogs poop to scoop, and he said all he could find was old poop, and I said "picking up old poop is good karma".... I bet later that night, he went over that line in his head when he thought about me.

I thought I handled the fact that his dog kept sticking his nose up my ass crack pretty well too, I mean, why don't you try being charming with a big dog nose in your junk! He told me he comes every weekend, and I said I do too, so I'm pretty sure his dog will sniff me out again!

I also went on a date this week. It was OK. I'm not in love or anything, and I got a free meal and drinks out of it. To me, this is all practice for when I finally grow a pair and tell hot security guy that I think he's the bees knees, and we live happily ever after.

I'm so horribly shy, so the more I talk to strangers, and force myself to go on dates, the better off the future "Mr. Me" will be when we meet!

Mr. Magoo, bringing people together since 2011.

P.S. don't look at his tinkler, he can't help it!

Friday, June 03, 2011

Things to do before...

Firstly, my official weigh in tonight is minus 5lbs. On the week I had three cookies, a small piece of your second cousins bday cake, a jo jo, potato salad, and cheesy potatoes at the family picnic! I of course, did 3 workouts a day to make up for it, I am kicking. ASS!

37lbs in 10 weeks. I'm creeping up on 40. Someone said they wanted my thighs at workout. MY thighs!!!

The best revenge is success. Even if you don't believe in revenge, the best thing to do is be your best self, because the person who benefits from it, is you. And the only person you hurt by having ill will, or hurtful feelings about someone, is you. And given a choice, why the hell would you want to hurt yourself?

Things I'm doing to make myself feel successful!

  • Get skinny, because it feels amazing!

  • Eat healthy without cheating at least one month, because until you do, you really don't understand the phrase "you are what you eat" I cheated this past weekend, and had to fight like hell to do workouts for three days, it made me feel like shit!

  • Work hard, and get a super freaking raise, and secretly snicker because you never went to school and make more than most people you know who did.

  • Have a crush. Even if nothing comes of it, it sure is fun to giggle and get excited when you see the person, and be shy and get butterflies! And be reminded that there is life after the manfriend. Even if it still hurts a little.

  • Set goals for yourself, like doing 10 push ups, and then beat that each and every day! Even if its just by one, or doing two sets of 10 in a day.

  • Start your mortgage loan process on a super freaking amazing house and know, that if it is in the stars for you to have it, you will. And that you deserve it!!!!!!

  • Think to yourself "some day I'm going to have two cars for that two car garage, furniture for all the rooms, and two rocking chairs on the front porch for me and the love of my life!" And simply know that you will!

  • Remember, that even though Oprah is off the air, her words live on. Find your lifes purpose! Mine is animals, and when I have my very own home, I will be joining the foster list of my favorite animal rescue, and nursing a dog at a time back from puppy mill/abuse situations, and making them awesome pets, and watching them find their furrever homes! This makes me warm and bubbly inside!
  • Enjoy something every week! For me, its my Friday nights. Where I celebrate a week of ass kicking workouts, and an excellent weigh in! I get a bottle of wine, a redbox rental, and an Acme rotisserie chicken (I feel bad for those who don't have an Acme!) and share the dark meat with your loving and faithful companion....your dog!
  • Be thankful every day. For waking up. For doing what you set out to do. For the friends you have, and your family that loves you. Put love out into the universe, and wait for it to come back to you!

And, post a picture of the house you want, because you believe in the power of the universe, and thinking things into reality! (when it's mine, I'll show you more! Trust, it's amazing!)

Hello future home de la moi! Please don't be haunted!

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Skinny Girl?...

"Do you ever get tired of being called skinny?"

Are you talking to ME? Um, no!

I can't get enough. "Skinny minnie, you're wasting away, you look how thin you are, you really are losing weight, great job!"

"Is that what skinny people eat for breakfast?" "Oh, you're working out again? I guess that's what skinny people do".

My favorite thing people say is, "what are you doing to lose weight? I'm so jealous!"

And when I respond that I am simply eating healthy, and working out 10 times a week, they quickly say "oh nevermind". As if I am coveting some super magic potion that if you drink it you'll shrink!

To me, skinny is relative. No, I'm not the standard skinny just yet, but compared to what I was, yes, I'm skinny. I'm biggest loser finale **"i think she weighs 120 by looks, but by the scale its 160" skinny.

Last night I cleaned out my closet. I was sad to see so many things go including but not limited to, my favorite jean short cut offs. What I put on from last summer, no longer just looks puffy and hangy and big, it falls off. It's exciting and sad all mixed together. I'm trying to buy a house so new clothes are not an option right now!

*this is an example only and I would never publicly reveal my true weight to the world. No way!