Friday, October 29, 2010
I took on a new work from home job, as, I have said I'm going thru some stuff, so I have plenty of time on my hands. I'm not goin anywhere for a while, so instead of a snickers, I grabbed another gig!
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Thursday, October 28, 2010
They turned off the phone number to customer service. Gone. You don't think people will find a way around that?
And I don't like customers. I did my time working with the public at Taco Bell for four years. You want to talk about time served. That's time served times 10 because they are 99% drunk, high, or both, plus I worked in the ghetto for most of that time. People stole our toilet tank cover almost every day.
No computer systems. How do you run a business w/no systems?
This reminds me of those late nights at the bell when I'd be the only one working (yes, we always had to CUT HOURS as shift managers) and I would be so slammed w/drive thru drunks, I never had a second to drop meat. So, I'd periodically run out of chicken, or beef.
Try telling a drunk person you don't have chicken or beef at Taco Bell.
Those are the days that I'd turn the lights off, and pretend to be closed. If you ever drove up on South Arlington Street Taco Bell and it was closed when it shouldn't have been after 2 am....I was probably managing that night.
P.S. This girl also scored Cav's tix in the company suite in two weeks!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.
I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?
I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.
Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.
And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.
You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.
And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.
I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.
I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.
I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.
Monday, October 25, 2010
After having a fun night with my friends, I get out of the movie, and I had gotten a text around midnight from exnewguy. Midnight texts from an ex. You know what that means.
He wanted to get together one last time for "fun". Seriously. This is the same guy who decided our relationship was too sexual and bailed. Talk about being screwed up in the head. As if this doesn't scream....."I don't respect you enough to date you, but screwing you is just fine." Or, "I just might be afraid to commit to anything but sex"
As much as I may have wanted to hook up, I decided that nothing would change in my life if I didn't change it. If I wanted to be respected, I had to do the respectable thing, and make him feel like total dog shit. I told him that while it did sound fun I actually had feelings for him, and doing something like that isn't so easy for me as it once may have been.
Of course, he persisted for some time, and eventually gave up. Then the next day sent me an apology saying he was out of line, and had been drinking.
Yea, I'd say so.
Obviously, this is just another frog in the pond of life. I think eventually there has to be a good one. I believe I found it before. I know I will again.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I own all the classic box sets, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street.
But once in a while, one just doesn't sit right with me. I can count on one hand the movies that have done this:
1) The Hills Have Eyes remake#1 they make you love that family and what happens to them is horrific. The mutant nursing? WRONG!
2) The Strangers the part that replays in my mind is the end after being terrorized for hours.. when Liv Tyler asks "why are you doing this?" and the creepy girl says "because you were home" aaaaaaaack!
3) Event Horizon which isn't the least bit scary, but for that one scene when the ship plays the video from "hell". Yea I kinda played that over in my mind a lot.
4) Rosemary's Baby mostly because I saw this as a kid, and when she is raped by the devil, it just creeped me out!
Now...the Human Centipede can be added to the list. Was it scary? Not to me. Was it creepy, yes, a little bit. Was it disturbing? Oh... hell yes! The whole time you are watching this wondering...what the fuck would I do? I can tell you one thing, it would probably involve my slitting my throat or something, because I could not live my life that way!
View Trailer Here
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
*(Yes..I have mice again. I've caught two...me two, my four cats...ZERO! They are lucky that they are cute fluffernutters! At least they do that job right.)
And I get a message from exnewguy. Just friendly chit chat. Why? He was overly concerned that we were "OK" after the dumping. I was assuming, just because we have many friends in common. I told him sure, I know we'll run into each other again one day. It's not like we were IN LOVE or anything, so whatever. Yes it hurts and I don't look forward to one day seeing him w/someone else...
But don't boys understand that it's not easy to hear from you once you dump us? Like, don't rip out my heart, and send me a message all about regretting it. Because what does that do? It makes me hurt for what we had all over again. If you wanted to do the right thing, you would get your shit together, and stand outside my window blasting "in your eyes" by peter gabriel on your retro boom box just like Lloyd Dobbler. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen" That sums it up.
Yes, that is definatly a signal, that you cannot mix. Especially since I live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm sure they'd love hearing it just as much as me. I think that like Cinderella ruined most girls, Say Anything ruined me.
Where is my prince charming with a boom box? Oh, I can believe it will happen one day. Because it gives me hope. Instead of a white horse, it'll be a beat up blue hoop-t!
Oh heck no. After friending Lloyd on FB...I was turned on to this video on youtube.
Monday, October 18, 2010
What happened this time. Well "it's not you its me" would probably fit here. The guys been single for like 5 years and he just wasn't ready. When he mentioned that he didn't feel "100%" that things would work out w/us, asked what I thought...and I said "I just spent the last three years with a guy who wasn't sure he was ready, and we had a good relationship, we were in love...I can't do it again".
Furthermore, new guy said we had too much sex. Um. firstively, this isn't the first time I've heard this from a man, but it never ceases to shock the shit out of me. Secondly, I really don't remember having to force myself on him thankyouverymuch.
He admitted, nothing may ever feel 100% to him, and thats on him, I'm an awesome girl and he likes hanging out with me and we have a lot of fun, blah. bliddy blah blah.
When you give up the universe will bring you love, right? I dunno, but I give up. Not on finding love, but that love will find me, and I'm not going out of my way to find it.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I think its us. We are our own survey of normal.
I'm trying to determine when I make the turn from...
"I'm just feeling my feelings"
"maybe I'm pathetic"
Of course, this stems from a miriad of things. Much which I havn't blogged about, but I'm goin thru some giant crap other than man/relationship things, and spending a lot of time on my own as a result.
Alone gives you time to think. Unless you drink your thoughts away, but I think my liver says that's not normal, and the first three months of me and exassholemanfriend's break up is proof of that.
Things I've tried:
1. Crying. Lots.
2. Sobbing and crying. Lots.
3. Turning sadness into anger. Replacing I miss him, or I love him with I hate him, and he's dead to me.
4. Drinking wine.
5. Revenge ie; keeping things he left at my house that he asked for back but doesn't deserve.
6. Drinking vodka
7. Revenge ie; maybe someone took his grill from his house, that I know nothing about.
8. Drinking a 6 pack of beer as shots. which is awesome
9. Thinking he died
10. Imagining feeding him poop. I think of this alot. And really, its the only thought which brings me joy when it comes to him
12. Dating someone else
13. Drinking. Lots. Until I pass out. this works for a while but you get tired of hangovers, it costs a bundle, and eventually, you gotta be drunk all day to not think, and luckily I'm gainfully employed.
14. Ignoring that I have feelings
15. Positive thought...."I use to turn the right blinker on to turn right when exasshole manfriend was in the car" *sob* into..."someone else will appreciate the way I signal my intent to turn"
16. Giving up everything "we" did together. Besides sex. Because, I'm not stupid.
17. Revenge ie; wiping your butt with the boxers you gave back to him.
Honestly, I have no clue what else to do. I've never been in this predicament. I've had plenty to hate about my old boyfriends. Plenty to look forward to, because let's face it they were all losers.
But I guess if after 5 months I'm finally starting to question if my missing him is bordering on being a little obsessive, maybe it is.
Maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I think everyone should have a pet. Not just because they are fantastical in so many ways, but because they kinda give a single girl purpose.
I can't sleep my life away and be depressed, unless I want poo and pee all over my floors. I gotta get up and take the dogs out.
When your cat jumps up and lays next to you and starts purring when you pet her, it makes you feel needed. Not just for the food and shelter, but for the love you provide.
They make good kleenex for tears, and they never ask if you are "still crying over that jerk who hurt you". They just offer their love and support in a silent way.
And when you don't have kids to raise, or a man to really call your own..it makes you feel good when your "little family" is happy. When they all play nice, and learn new things. When they follow you around ever interested in what you are doing.
Today I'm thankful for that.
No, don't pay my bills, or wipe my mouth, or tell me what TV I can or can't watch or what to wear. Rather, hold my hand on the inside of the road not the outside, so if I fall off the sidewalk I'm not hit by a car. Help me over ditches, open jars and bottles for me, and offer to change a tire, carry something heavy, or kiss me on the forehead.
I find nothing more attractive than being treated like a lady.
A couple weeks ago I'm in the grocery line and an old man in front of me started unloading my cart for me. I thanked him profusely. How sweet was that?
And Saturday, an old man with a cane at the circle K said "well helllllloooo beautiful, your man must sure be proud of you" I simply said "thank you sir".
Guys my age would never pay you a public compliment without trying to be skeevy, it would probably include something about "tapping that ass" too. And they certainly wouldn't unpack your grocery cart, just to be nice, they'd expect your number or something and when you refuse, they'd call you a stuck up bitch.
Sometimes I wish I were part of another generation. Mine kinda makes me sick. I hate to hear about the abuse, the neglect, the general disrespect men seem to have for women.
I just want to be loved the way that I love. Fully and unconditionally.
Monday, October 11, 2010
It seems I'm met with a lack empathy, and compassion. Too often people relate their own experiences to what you are dealing with, and often those are bad ones. Well this is what happened to me, so thats what will happen to you.....
Everyone is different. We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions. And while it is nice to get advice when you ask for it, sometimes, you just want to be heard. You want someone to say, "I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry....." You don't need the extra garbage that goes along with it. You know, the "get over it-s" and the "you're better than him-s". I don't blame myself a tall for the demise of the relationship I can't get past.
Usually by now, I am able to see my fault in what went wrong. But that's just it....nothing went wrong with it.
I've been dying on the inside every day for the last 5 months. And its time to start dealing with it, vs. stuffing it away, and turning it into hate.
Close your eyes, and imagine your perfect match. From the first communication, to the first time you meet, a spark and connection that you've never had. That you didn't know existed.
Imagine enjoying every second you are with that person, and loving the feeling of closeness you have when you are together. A warm feeling when you think about them. Imagine laughter, silliness, and a caring that you've never experienced before. Think about how you can't stand to be apart, and love to hold hands, and snuggle up together. Feel the butterflies in your stomach you still get at the thought of him after almost three years.
Imagine having everything you ever wanted, and not wanting to change one single thing about a person. Not a thing. Think about being able to accept every habit, and quirk they have....Then, imagine that person feels exactly the same way, and people actually envy what you have. YOU!?
Then..imagine it ends because that person is scared. Not because of anything wrong with your seemingly perfect relationship, or the fact that you cant get along, or the love has died... but because they are scared.
Now, try to get past that and move on. When everything is a disappointment, because its not him. Try to forget how it felt when he held you, and try to forget that the one person you fell so hard for, is no longer in your life. For no real reason.
Time. Yes. I've heard it all before. I'm 34, I've had my heart broken countless times, suffered depression during my divorce so bad, I had to be coached for several weeks into how to take a bath and wash my hair, because I simply didn't want to exist anymore.
So, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been on this ride many times, and survived. But its the hardest one. And I wish I knew when the ride will end.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
This week I had this conversation:
"I stood up and saw so and so emailing so and so about me being on the rampage with my pregnancy hormones. So I asked her if she had a problem with me, and she had nothing to say. I know she doesnt' know I know she was emailing so and so about me, but I know. Me being the way I am has nothing to do with pregnancy. If I were some people, I'd be offended, and have this taken to HR"
Seriously people. This turned into an hour and a half meeting. And I had to take it seriously.
Do I manage teenagers you ask? Oh no, we're all in our 30's.
In other news, I'm on 3 more weeks of antibiotics, nasal spray and claritin. I have fluid in my ear. Doesn't look like I'll be hearing for some time now.
I have a date with new guy this weekend, and I'm super excited about it.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
She asked if I ever thought fondly of the ex husband, or missed what we had. We were high school "sweethearts" (puke) and had all of our firsts together, and for a while, I thought I'd never get past that, and move on. Even 8 years later when he remarried, and I'm still hopelessly flailing around the dating pool, it hurt me.
But as I've said before, running into him and his not remembering all the shitty things he did, reminded me that only I can hold myself back. And only I have control over how I feel about anyone at any time.
But if I'm being honest...I still miss that exassholemanfriend of mine. In my 34 years I was never that in love with anyone.
The only thing I can do is remember how he dumped me because he was afraid to move forward like a coward....on facebook no less. Moved his shit out while I was at work. And left me a letter.
So...almost as quickly, I imagine covering cat poop in chocolate, nestling it into pretty paper cups, and shrink wrapping it in a whitmans sampler box...and sending it to him. I imagine with delight, the look on his face when he bites into a chocolate covered cat poop.
Monday, October 04, 2010
I still can't hear out of my left ear and the extreme annoyance, and lonliness at work because its so quiet can't be described. I'm on medicine, but it just takes time. And a follow up appointment in 4 days with my regular Dr.
I feel fine now, aside from occasional sharp pricks in my ear, and being hella tired, I "feel" great.
This weekend I had my first four wheeler ride! I may be sheltered, but after a talk w/new guy about the state of our "relationship" we decided we don't see each other enough. (duh) And he'd been too busy wondering whether or not I was "the one" rather than enjoying our time together and seeing where it lead.
And boys say GIRLS are confusing. He's really hung up on the kids thing, which I said I'm not like most girls, who would have a baby at any cost....I want the whole shabang, the love, the husband, happy marriage, laughter, respect, the house, and THEN the kid. I don't want any one without any other.
I have been with guys I thought about having a baby with. Well two. My ex husband, and that asshole exmanfriend of mine. I don't think I'll feel incomplete without having one. But for me, its an extension of my love for someone..not something I feel the need to do to validate being a woman.
It was an awesome talk, which was followed up by him asking me to spend the day with him on Saturday. He took me on his four wheeler, which I thought would scare the crap out of me, but I ended up having so much fun! We went fast, and I got muddy, and subsequently, some bruises.
Then we spent the day with a couple that he's friends with, he made his deelish homeade mac and cheese, and we played cards.
Which by the way...we won. Not only do I have a uechre partner again (I've missed playing so much!) but we're a pretty good team!