"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, April 30, 2010

Killing Me Softly...

I really need to blog my dreams more. I mean, I have some doozies. I have a lot of bad dreams where I have to wake up and smoke or get out of bed to stop thinking about it. I dunno why, but it may have to do with my love for horror movies?

This week I dreamt that my friend heather and I killed a girl*. I don't know why or who. But not just killed, chopped off her arms and legs. And then, burned her and put her ashes into this ancient looking artifact.

We put the artifact into a TV stand in the girls place, and forgot about it. Years later, for whatever reason (obviously we were friends with this girl) we were cleaning out her place, because she dissapeared. We didn't talk about the body. But eventually it came time when the only thing left was the TV stand. And, the ashes.

I opened the TV stand and the artifact was alive, and moved to the back of the cupboard as if it was terrified of me, and then lept out and bit me in the neck.

The only thing good about this dream, was that I was asleep at manfriends, and I shook him and told him I had a bad dream. He rolled over and cuddled me and told me it would be ok.

I heart my manfriend.

*sidenote, heather and I use to work second jobs together. And working all those hours made you loopy. coupled with lack of sleep and overdosing on caffeine pills and energy drinks. One night we were discussing an upcoming party, and how we should get roofies, and slip them to people and sit back and laugh. Then she said, what if we killed people on accident? And we would be talking one day "hey remember that one time we killed all those people?"

I cant even write how we laughed until we cried about that. And still do to this day. No wonder I have dreams like that.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Makin a List Checkin it Twice...

Manfriend came over yesterday. I didn't know when he was coming, as I was sitting on the floor, sweaty from cleaning, no bra, scrubby clothes, replacing my sweeper belt. I said if I knew you were coming I'd have put on a bra. But...get use to it, right? The joys of cohabitating.

He brought a clipboard and wanted to go over expectations for us moving in together. Things that would annoy us, or whatever. His biggest concern is that I'll change. It's because of his own experiences in the past. I am who I am. I'm generally a happy, easy going person. I've had my own bouts with control, and fighting, and being miserable. In all honesty, its way easier to be happy than not. It's not to say I never get annoyed or in a bad mood, but I don't let it ruin my day.

I like me that way.

I had to take the dogs to pee in the middle of this list making. Little Hill is 14, and does her business and comes back in. Magoo, takes a year to sniff out a spot. So, I picked up Hill first and said "manfriend, watch magoo so he doesn't pee while I'm out there" (usually, I lock him in the kitchen in case he has an accident while im outside so i can easily clean it up) I came back in and he had peed on the floor. On my brand. new. carpets.

I said hey..put this on your list, watch the dog, means watch the dog. Ugh.

I still thought it was pretty cute he made a list.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Got My boots ready for camp...

I didn't end up having to go back to the horrible bootcamp I attended before. Bootcamp is coming to work.

I may have mentioned how my work is super awesome and if the world ended we could survive there it pretty much has all the ameneties of home.

Well now we have bootcamp classes at work once a week, and a dietician, and personal training.

Works pretty bad-ass. It's someones job to coordinate wellness things for us. Someones job is also to make us happy by throwing us events.


I'm totally starting bootcamp next week when it begins, and booking that dietician.

As I'm sitting here shoving stuffed chicken, potatos, and a dinner roll in my mouth. Which maybe wouldnt be bad but I already had a bagel today. And I'm sure i'll have some other bready goodness at dinner.

I heart carbs. If we have to break up I'm gonna be so mean!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Leapin Lizards!...

Saturday, I was cleaning the basement as to make room for manfriend and all of his junk. I made great progress, and even swept.

Then I saw something moving in some broken brick dirt...

What's black, has a snakey head, a wormy tail, buggy eyes, and creepy frog legs? I don't freaking know, so I screamed and tried to smash it but it didn't die. It's tail came off and kept moving. Eeeeek!

I got it in a box lid and threw it in the yard. Then, there were more.

I did what every American girl would do, I took a carcass to my manfriends house and asked him what it is. He said it looked like a salamander, so I googled it.

Yep. Who has salamanders living in their basement? In the city? Me.

Turns out, I live near the metro park (yea, but like 3 miles!) that has one of the largest breeding pools for salamanders.

Online said cats are a good way to get rid of them, but firstly, they don't go in the basement, and secondly, remember when my four cats didn't kill a mouse that I had? Yea, my cats are not murderers. Someone needs to give them a lesson on the circle of life.

I think I'm going to call the landlords and tell them I have lizards in the basement. This will make it seem more urgent.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Moving Forward....

A lot has happened in the past few months. Some sad, some happy, but all of it was meant to happen. I spend a lot of time reflecting on the changes in my life, and how they got me to where I am.

A year ago, me and manfriend were happy and dating, and...going nowhere. He was happy being on his own, and couldn't tell me when we would ever move forward, yet he would tell me he saw himself moving forward with me.

Its now been 2 years and 7 months and we've had a lot of ups, and one big down. The down broke my heart and shattered my world. But until that happened, manfriend was still unsure about us, and our future. He was scared to take any steps to better our situation. We broke up, and I moved to be closer to him (and work, but mostly him) and he still broke up with me.

The move turned into a big positive for me. A beautiful apartment, and new beginnings. I got rid of a lot of baggage both emotionally, and physically that I'd been carting around for years. The whole time I knew I was meant to be with manfriend. The reason it hurt so much and was so confusing is just that...I saw what should be. I wasn't holding on to the usual false dreams either.

So, now, four months after getting back together, we are finally doing it. We're moving forward. Taking the plunge. We're moving in together!!!!!!! (pause for cheers.....)

He told me he is tired of stubbornly sitting in the waiting room and watching others who came in after him, go in before him. I told him "I know, I've been sitting beside your stubborn ass"

He's making the big trek to the little city to live with me. I always pictured it as our apartment. And I can't wait to start making it home with him. No more leaving, and saying goodbye. I think its time we start seeing how we are to live with on a day to day basis. I can't wait to go to sleep with him every night, and wake up with him every morning. Starting our own traditions.

And most importantly...saving for a house. I havn't lived with someone in about 5 or 6 years. I had a dickhole living with me, or should I say sponging off me 4 years ago for a couple years, but it's been so long since I had someone who actually contributed to a household. Financially or emotionally. I am beyond excited. I have visualized this (see it....be it) for so long.

I always wondered when we would start our forever. The answer is, the end of May. *squee!*

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Where I tell you nothing...

Someone has big, exciting news!

Someone isn't spilling the beans yet!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hand in Hand....

What doesn't go hand in hand is having a dog with diarreah, and being sick. I was so sick last week I missed work. I don't miss work. I work when I'm bleeding out the ears. So I was sick. A Phlemy, gooey, ooey, disgustingly congested buttery lunged mess!

My new dog, Mr. Magoo, also had diarreah. He's had the craps since the second day home, because he refuses to eat his $12 a bag (I got a coupon for $10 off but still) Iams dog food that he was eating at the rescue. He'll eat canned. From my hand. And then have to poop 15 times a day. I finally got him some anti diarreah medicine, and manfriend was able to figure the dosing out since I'm a mathmatical moron and he's a medic. No more poops! Yes!

Lots of things are different with puppy mill dogs, but he is coming around and learning the ropes. He even sits on my lap now to look out the window in the car. Dog things, are foreign to him.

One thing is for sure I sure miss his cute little butt. He also made his way in between me and manfriend this morning in bed. I let him interrupt my snuggle! I'll let him get away with it this time, but he better not get use to it. Thats MY snuggle!

Friday, April 16, 2010

chiclephobia is real...

You know how you hear of some phobias and you think they are ridiculous? You probably think mine is too. I just spent the last hour at work being razzed by coworkers over my gum phobia.

It disgusts me.

How is it acceptable to chew something up all day and smack it in peoples faces? Whats the difference if I have some chicken and chew it a few times and spit it out? What if I took my half chewed food out of my mouth and carried it around with me while I talked? What if I put my chewed up food on your dinner plate while you ate food?

I can trace it back to childhood, which also may explain my dislike of using real forks. (I prefer plastic where possible) While doing the dishes there was a peice of gum stuck to the back of a fork. Its horrified me for life.

I don't like the smell of it. I don't like the packaging, I dont like it in the store, I don't like it if you have a container that had gum in it and you use it for money, or pills and go to offer me either of these things. Nothing that housed, or touched gum is ever acceptable to offer me.

I don't want you at my desk touching things if you are chewing gum, and forget about kissing me. Bleh.


Oprah has it too. I wish she'd do a show about it so people would get off my case!

P.S. The final name of my new doggie is Mr. Magoo.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Cute things, like Edwin and a new Dog...

Here is little Moses. I am changing his name. One because I'm not religious, and two, from what I hear that Moses fella led everyone the wrong way.

And third..he's too cute to be called moses. He needs a cute dog name. Like little taterskins. Or pooper. Or some kind of one eyed pirate name like Jack or something. (he has one eye the one on the right is partial) Like...Jack Sparrow.

I've also made the conclusion that he is a shih-poo. I've had a shih-tzu for 14 years, and so did my Dad. They have straight hair. Moses has shih poo hair. Which is awesome cus he'll shed next to nothing.

He only barked once, when he wanted out of bed...cus he had to poo and it was 6am...ok? But I got up. And, he poo'd.

He's just another one of the clan at my house. No one notices he's there really. He needs to learn to trust me, which wont take as long as I thought. He's terrified to be picked up and latches on with his paws for dear life. Terrified to come inside after potty, and very skittish, and cowers when you go to pet him.

We've already gotten past most of the above things, by past, I mean they are better than day one. He mostly lays in another room unless I snuggle him up with my older dog on the couch. But if I get up and do anything, he runs in to see what I'm up to. We'll be buddies in no time.

He also farts a lot. I'm pretty sure its his nervous belly, and the fact that he wont eat the food he's use to eating (dry) and has been on canned mixed w/dry.

And um, yea that's my Ediwn there, he came out to the audience to sing Teddy Pendergrass' "Love TKO". I touched him. I only abandoned manfriend for a minute to do so.

Speaking of manfriend. He slow danced with me to "I'll Be" at the concert. Which I found to be completely and totally adorable!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

On my way 2 cleveland 4 the edwin mccain show! I could just burst!
P.s. I adopted moses!

Friday, April 09, 2010


I go to this animal rescue on my way home from work sometimes or on lunch, to pet the cats. It's a pet store set up but theres cats that come up for pets, and follow you, and basically tick of my cats at home cus they smell them on me. They lay in the cat beds for sale, chill out on the gazebo roof, try to climb you for cuddles. Basically its a me heaven.

There's also puppies and dogs. They always make me happy because I know they are rescued from death, and until they are adopted, will be there the next time I visit.

A little over a month ago I was there with my manfriend, petting the cats, and in walks this old couple, and a little shih tzu, Moses. The story was, they took little Moses home, and brought him back the next day. Moses is a puppy mill dog, who lived his life in a cage, and was going to be shot along with 14 other dogs that stopped "performing" for the breeder. So, Moses never got to run free in a fenced yard before. Obviously, he was just getting his running legs!

The older couple couldn't understand why Moses wouldn't come when called, and couldn't run after him to get him inside, so they caught him with a fishing net and brought him inside. And decided they were too old for him.

Moses walked around the store aimlessly and would lay outside the pens where the other dogs were, for comfort. He is super duper cute, (he's a shih tzu, duh) and he has a poopie eye, one eye is white, but you don't notice it cus the rest of him makes up for it.

Since then, I went and visited him twice. Yesterday I spent the most time with him, and we played with a ball, and tug of war. All the puppies at the store were riled up barking, and Moses got excited, but didn't bark, it made him playful. He loves to have his head scratched, and rolls over into it and flops on his side like a cat does.

Moses melted my heart. He made me realize how much I miss having a dog, that has some spunk left, but not a puppy. I don't think I'll ever do the puppy thing again. He is 4-6 years old.

The time is getting closer when I will have to say goodbye to my 14 yr old shih tzu. Shes got tumors, chronic yeast infections of the ears and skin, dry eye, mostly blind, swollen feet and lymph nodes, artheritis, and has taken to crying in her sleep and waking me up terrified. She's lost 99% of her hair, her face is mostly bald, her legs are bald, and she has to wear a diaper because she can't seem to make it outside to pee anymore. Her kidneys are enlarged, and she's lost so much weight, her spine is showing, and she has flabby skin. Oh, and she smells. I can live with it because I love her but it's embaressing.

She gets on medication, and the smell will go away for a week or so, but comes right back. And the antibiotics are losing their effectiveness, and we've basically decided to keep her comfortable.

I'm not sure if having another dog will help ease the transition for me, but I'm having a hard time making the decision for her. She still eats, but mostly all she does is sleep. She hasnt played, or walked for almost a year. I know its not the best life for her, but I also don't want to make that decision. I've done it twice for cats, and its the hardest thing you have to do.

In a nutshell. I'm really thinking about adopting Moses.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


I think I swore that I'd never go back to bootcamp. I never endured so much physical pain in my life.

The woman who owns it never kept the scale in the same spot, or used the same one each week and would charge money if you gained weight. She told us not to eat carrots, or milk, or spaghetti squash because no matter how many times I told her its a vegetable she would tell me I am not losing weight cus of carbs.

But, Ive also been stagnant since bootcamp. Gaining and losing the same 10lbs over and over again. But not losing more. And I push it HARD in the gym. I don't just go and half ass a workout 5 days a week. My clothes are sweat soaked, and I'm exhausted afterwards.

Last year when I went, I did bootcamp 3 days a week, which burns over 1,000 calories. I would also run 4 miles those days on my lunch breaks. I also worked out the other 2 days at lunch, and after work.

I think on average I was working out 12 hours a week, and sometimes on weekends. I was a machine. People who complain about not losing weight...trust me, I know! I bust my ass, for peanuts. I did lose 70 (sometimes its 60) lbs, but it took me two years, of that kind of working out. Not easy.

Bootcamp gives you the dry heaves. It hurts to breathe even. It's hard.

There is a buddy system going on now, its half price so me and some coworkers are going to re-enlist.

Universe, I'm losing the last 30lbs I've been trying to lose for 2 years. Come hell or high water!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Blah Blah Blah...

I had a really great weekend! I opened up all my windows, and discovered the beauty in having 24 windows in my apartment, vs 5! The light, the breeze!

And, I discovered the downside of living in the city. Neighbors. The people next door, (not my duplex neighbors, the ones in a HOUSE across my driveway) had their TV so loud, I could hear it over my own TV.

My cats have also already successfully broken the ends off of one mini blind. My next million dollar idea is, finding a way to prevent this from happening. I know I'm not the only one who had junky looking bilnds thanks to cats.

The shitty thing is, I have some super huge windows, and replacing them will be hard I'm sure.

Friday the manfriend was at my house when I got off work. I heart coming home to him =). We went for drinks with friends, and then to a bonfire that we didnt stay long at, because it was like 3 am.

Manfriend got us up at 8 after like 4 hours of sleep. So we went to breakfast, and to the flea market where I found an awesome dirt devil vaccume for 35 bucks! (refurbished) Maybe I havn't mentioned how I've been sweeping my apartment with my hand attachment for months. And how it hurt my back twice. And...how it takes 2 hours. Or, how I have 4 cats, so I have to do it quite often?

Love the new sweeper that didn't cost me over 100 bucks at the store!

Sunday I made dinner which consisted of FIVE carb servings, and today I am trying to detox. Good luck with that! My Mom, brother, and manfriend all came for eats!

Friday, April 02, 2010

Pick Up..

So I've been pushing it super duper extra hard in the gym doing hill intervals, which are killing and exhausting my legs and butt. I mean, to the point where I could fall over after and sleep for a week. Then I remember thats how I felt when I did boot camp so it must be good.

Twice a week I've been doing sculpting at home.

I've been eating mostly rabbit food, chicken, and eggs.

I havn't lost a pound.

Today I put on my jeans and I guess their slightly looser. Just slightly in the hips.

But a coworker told me I looked especially thin today....am I sure I havn't lost weight. I said I'm positive I havn't. Unless you count that I weigh 2lbs less than I did last night when I weighed myself. Which, is water.

But who doesn't love to hear that? Sometimes it comes when you need it.

Heres to the weekend! Tonight, I'm going to *the lake and enjoy the weather on the deck at Hook Line and Drinkers (we're having an 82 degree day) with my cute manfriend, and another couple. There is also an 80s band playing. After about closing time, we're going to another friends house to further enjoy the weather, for a bonfire.

I can't wait to get it started!

*That's Portage Lakes for you big city Clevelanders. We may have dead bodies in our lake, but its never caught on fire. *grin*

Thursday, April 01, 2010

when life gives you cellulite....

What do you make of it? I mean you can turn cellulite into lemons I guess and have lemonade.

But cellulite calls for some vodka to be added.

Bicardi Limon for lemonade. mmm.

I really understand that life isn't fair. But what makes absolutely no sense to me, is how I can be over 250 lbs and have skin like butter, but drop 5 sizes, and I get rewarded ...with cellulite?

Is it better to be fat or what?

I also have more wrinkles the less puffy my face is.

Life has a way of kicking you in the ass for sure! It keeps getting worse, the more work I do.

Why can I be lazy and sleep my life away and have nice skin, but I work my ass off for... cellulite?

Two things that I believe the government is in cahoots with drug companies over..they are, the cure for cancer, and the cure for cellulite.*

Way more money in treating these two ailments.

*I am not trying to minimize the severity of cancer.

**Did you know I'm doing the relay for life?

***Did you know not one person has pleged money for me to walk, and my goal is a lousy $50?
What a loser! (is this working?)

****Do you want to sponsor me? Email me! I'd post my relay link but it has my real life name and my real life employer so I'm not posting it online! I can send it though so you know its on the up and up!

Who doesn't want to stomp out cancer?