"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy 2010!...

I wish I had the patience, or the home computer to put together a nice recap of the past year in my beloved blog.

But I don't. So the best I can do is refer you to yesterday's post. And let you know that I'm still laughing about that skank, and if I had to post right now what made me laugh the most, it would be just that. And if I allowed myself to act as childish as I feel about the situation, I would post her picture.

But I'm better than that.

Oh, annnnnd second thing that made me laugh almost as much was the 34 peices of advice I got for my 34th bday from my friends. Cus those were hilarious and my friends made my day extra special!

For 2009 I broke things off with new guy. Who took it really well and is such a nice guy he said its no problem, and we can be friends. And wished me a happy new year. I'm not over exmanfriend. He understood that. I felt worse than he did. But I also felt bad being with him and thinking of someone else. It wasn't fair for either of us.

With that said, I will enjoy ringing in the new year tonight, with a very special date. Welcome new year, and new possibilities!

Be safe everyone!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire...(or, another happiness is..)

Happiness is laughing until you cry.

You know what makes you laugh until you cry. And randomly burst out giggling. And then, laugh again. And feel great about yourself?

Seeing the girl your exmanfriend was interested in on facebook...

And she looks like:

1) She forgot she's ugly
2) She forgot shes fat and has cankles for arms
3) She forgot she has boring one tone black hair (lol yay for hi/lo lights)
4) She is wearing a dumpy long dress with beach sandals
5) She forgot to comb her hair
6) She likely got beat with an ugly stick, and thats why her face looks that way
7) She forgot to stay home and not go out in public
8) She has a horrible smile, not nearly as charming as mine

This skank is also involved in a relationship. She's super classy! I think they may have operated under the "two wrongs make a right" theory. Fail.

And the #1 best thing about her is that she aint me.

And now I'm laughing again. Why do guys always downgrade? Can a guy answer that? It always seems to happen!

As stated on my facebook status today, surely..I am being punked. Because its that bad.

Then I blocked the bitch so she can't stalk me anymore.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Screwed Up..

Funny how long it takes to realize you are screwed up huh?

I had a really nice date with the new guy Saturday. Except that I can't get over that he doesnt smell right. It isnt that he stinks and I can't explain it. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night because it smells like that too. And I can't smell very well.

The whole thing just feels wrong.

He's super sweet and it's obvious that I'm not ready to move on. Silly to think it would be so easy. I have to tell him how I feel.

All I do when we are together is think of notsomuchamanfriend. So much so that I cried when I stayed the night Saturday. How awesome is that? While he snoozed away. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong because my heart and mind are elsewhere. And that's not his fault.

(snoozing at 11pm, mind you. )

I'm the kind of girl, that's just going out at 9, 10, 11. I like to go out and see and be seen, and mingle with people I know. One of my girlfriends that he knows before I knew her, wanted us to meet her out and he didn't wanna go. So I was like, ohhhh keeee, we'll hang out here. On a Saturday night. And he was falling asleep by 9pm. He did tell me to call her and I said "you wanna go out?" he said no....

Like I'm gonna leave after he made me dinner and everything.

It's all a big fat mess. I can't watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything, think of anything, or be sober without thinking of notsomuchamanfriend. I guess i can't be drunk either and not think about him, but at least that way I can sleep.

All the while he's told me that he is sorry. I can't explain how I feel. I spent years shaping myself into the person I am today. True, hard work to honor and acknowledge my needs, and my feelings so I am able to get what I want/need. To act like I don't miss notsomuchamanfriend, is not honoring myself. Or being real.

I've been shit on plenty. But I've never had this experience where I was always so happy and treated well, and then poof its gone to no fault of my own. I've been through worse, with my divorce. Way, way worse. But that's just the thing. It was worse. The relationship was crap to begin with. And getting over him, not this hard. We were together 7 years.

Me and notsomuchamanfriend...two years. But two years of happy beats out 7 years of misery any old day.

Obviously there is a lot to be said, and I can't rightfully blog my entire life. But, I talked to him for 9 hours Sunday. From 11 at night til 8 monday morning.

And it was a good, good....talk.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

New guy is makin me my favorite dinner. He called 2 make sure i like my wine chilled. He's doin a good job bein sweet 2 me! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Cry Me A River...

It's not really in my nature, to wish evil on other people, or revel in their sadness. I left all that long ago when I left the crazy 23 year old girl who was out of control, and hated herself in the past.

So, no..it doesn't make me happy to hear that notsomuchamanfriend is regretful of his decision and wishes he didn't do it. But it also doesn't make me happy that he seems to not want to fix the problem. Him. He has to work thru some issues.

And I wonder why I still love him. I sent him a looooooong letter today. In it I stated that I do love him today. And tomorrow I'll feel what I'm meant to feel. I also stated that I'm unsure what he knows about me, but cant help but wonder if he knows more than he lets on and in the words of Beyonce "don't be mad cus you see that he want it" ..knows that I am with someone else.
I don't hate him. I should, by other peoples standards. But I have no place for it. I'm a very loving person, and that's part of me I'll never change. Holding grudges and hate is not a way to live. It holds you down and only hurts you. I wish that same peace for everyone!
I told him how his friends have told me that he had what they all wanted (not ME per se) and they envied him for it. I don't know many people that can say that.

If only he were regretful, and showed me....if only. But I have to push aside wishing anything, and just "be". In the moment.

"Be still and know, that I am love."

This is how I get to sleep each night. Repeating this over and over until I fall asleep so I don't have a billion thoughts about him in my head.

I believe in karma. I can't help wondering when mine will all catch up with me. I thought I found it. I thought he was it. But he was not ready for me. This is me. It's the me I love very much.
"oh juliet..when we made love you use to cry, you said youd love me like the stars above you'd love me til we die. There's a place for us, you know the movie song. When you gonna realize it's just that the timing was wrong" (Romeo and Juliet, Edwin McCain)

Timing. Maybe like a car I can get my timing belt replaced. It always seems to be off. We started on a path of enlightenment together but only I kept going.
Alot was said between us, and it's between us.

I saw new guy last night. New guy doesn't seem so keen on committment either. Nothings happened, but maybe my lesson is to learn that nobody is perfect. You have to choose the faults in others that you will be ok with.

I had fun with new guy. But, have I mentioned he's not manfriend? And the distraction is only temporary?

I think I've listened to this song 6,000 times today.
Which is the ultimate you cheated on me you sonofobitch song.

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
Made other plans
Bet you didn't think that theyd come crashing down, no
You don't have to say what you did I already know I found out from him
Now theres no chance for you and me there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it
You told me you loved me why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone
Girl I refuse you must have me confused with some other guy
Your bridges were burned now its your turn to cry
Cry me a river....

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Crack Is Wack...

This morning, a lady tapped on my window while I warmed up my car in my own driveway. She had silver duct tape on her mouth and motioned to me that she wanted my cigarette. I said "sorry last one" and rolled the window up. She removed the duct tape and said Please im desperate.

I backed out and left. I kept saying I have to go to work. Then I kept picturing the gypsy curse from "Drag Me to Hell". I don't think crack whores have gypsy demon powers though. Then I thought, what if it was Jesus testing my generosity. Then I remembered, I don't really believe in all that religion stuff. And if I thought there was a Jesus, he certainly wouldn't be asking for cigarettes. right? Your body is your temple or something? Seriously. Drugs make you a total fucking moron.

As illustrated by several of my ex boyfriends.

I msgd back and forth last night w/notsomuchamanfriend. We established a lot of things, except what he avoided was, my asking about the elephant in the room...what made him have an interest in someone else in the first place. All the breaking up may have been a mistake (duh) but what about the mistake of someone else? How bout that?

You know, ending a relationship with me for her? Remember? Hello? Cooking dinner for said skank, and not even taking me out for a drink anymore cus you had no money and I was understanding of your job-less state? Becaue you know, I love you, but she gets dinner?

So I told him today that until hes ready to have an honest conversation about it, theres nothing else to say. I don't know that it would help. But you have to be honest, right?

The new guy finally called me last night just to chat. Which was nice. But hes not the ex. And we've been thru all of that already. I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep thinking that people tell him to call me because he knows people I know. And it seems like whenever I'm fed up with not hearing from him he'll call. We have voice communication from time to time. Imagine that. He makes me laugh.

I really dont know what I'm doing. Did I mention that at all?

So.. I drank wine. I found the yummy wine that me and notsomuchamanfriend couldn't find together after looking and looking, that we had at a restaurant w/his parents. And I drank myself asleep.

Because, why does everything have to be about him? Every song. Every TV Show. Every movie. Every store. Every word. Every-THING.

I've been trying to think away thoughts about him, but I'm reading Understanding our mind by Tich naht hahn (also recommended by said notsomuchamanfriend. Every THING.) and it says you can't do that. You have to feel everything or it will always consume you.

I hate this.

I wish he would try harder to win me back. But maybe he'll make it easier to move on by not doing so. Why wouldn't he come see me? Or I dunno...call me on the phone? Write me a letter? Sing me a song? STAND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE AND PLAY IN YOUR EYES BY PETER GABRIEL ON YOUR 80'S BOOMBOX?? (of course, he might get accosted by the crackhead lady asking for smokes..)

He needs to make an effort, and prove he is sorry and that he wants more. Otherwise he's wasting my time, and preventing me from moving on. And being selfish! And I don't need any of that.

In the meantime I made a nice meditation area at home. I put my buddha head, and candles, and my living wisdom w/the Dalai Lama study cards there, and hooked up my mp3 player w/my speakers to play meditations. I get a card out and think on it each day. And it helps me a bit, at least for a few minutes I clear my head.

This week has been patience. Yea. Imagine that.

Time. Time. Time....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Like I said they always come back 2.0...

No sooner did I get a message from my ex husband, than I got one from notsomuchamanfriend.

Friday night I went out w/a girlfriend to have cocktails. Where I had free drinks all night because some guy spilled his vodka on me. It was down my back or I may have been suspicious. But he did buy me double vodka and sodas to make up for it! Score!

Around 11 we were talking and she said I should just call new guy cus I wanted to see him. So...I did. He was at home doing nothing. Kind of bothered me that he never asked me did I have plans for the wknd. Did I want to get together? But I was tipsy I didn't care.

I went over later, had some laughs. Stayed the night. In the morning he promptly woke up around 8 am and got up and started puttering around to start the day and said he had to go shopping.

I took that as my cue and did the walk of shame to my car. He did go see if he had salt to put out first, since it had snowed. But he didn't. Guess I overstayed my welcome. I dunno. I want to be wanted and needed. Maybe I'm just impatient.

When I got in my car, I had several messages on my celly from notsomuchamanfriend. How he made a stupid decision. He ended a good relationship. He was wrong. I'm a good woman. I only loved him and he pushed me away. Everything I, and you blog readers already know but he must have just realized.

He said he loved me.

Insert the waterworks here.

Insert confusion here.

Insert anger here.

Now, moving on. I told him that ironically I had just gotten a message from my ex husband about how he was sorry he let me go too. I said that he needs to find his happiness so when he is unhappy he doesn't mistakenly blame others for it.

And, if this had maybe happened in a few months, much easier? I don't know. I've kind of been ok with our break up, because I still love him. And I knew he would realize this sooner or later. But I don't like that we've been with other people you don't forget that.

Of course, I can't go running back. And..I am not a cheater. I don't like to hurt people. New guy deserves a fair shot. Notsomuchamanfriend has made no attempt to get back with me. Maybe he was just clearing his own conscience. Who knows.

I still don't know what happened with him and his interest. But obviously things didn't work out. And I couldn't just go back to the way things were with us. If he DID want to be with me he'd have to prove it. And he'd have to make some changes. Such as, not being afraid to move forward with me. I'm not going to run back and get shit on again. I really couldn't handle it.

All I do know, is that now I am back to that horrible panicked, stressed out feeling I had the whole time we got back together. Not knowing. And I don't want to feel that way.

I hope all this closure isn't pointing to something bad happening to me. gulp.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Like I said...They always come back..

So, I get this in my facebook inbox today. As written by my EX HUSBAND of over 11 years ago. Like I said, if you wait and bide your time, they get theirs in the end! It makes me a bit smug, because I know notsomuchamanfriend will be in this boat too one day.

I swear to all that is holey, I have not had 1 guy not realize they let a good thing go. Hopefully this means one day that one will not let me go!

Msg:

now that we have grown , i dont think getting married was a mistake at all but now i see the way things and peolpe are , it was a mistake(ON MY PART )to split .i really am sorry and know that its long over , but we as people get older and i see things different ,now .am sorry for the pain and confussion i caused ,but if its any consulation the pain that you get for hurting someone is worse when it comes back 10 fold .*stay happy and high ...ya high ..need to cope with it some how .

*You will note that obviously he is still a pot head.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Good Nights...

I happen to have had a fabulous date last night. The new guy invited me over to watch a movie. When we went to pick out movies together, he put me in the truck. I think out of all the things boys should do for girls, being put in the car is one of my favorites. It makes me feel looked out for.

We had fun looking for movies, and we got two. One was a movie supposedly about baseball..with Justin Timberlake. But it kinda sucked. But we talked through the whole thing anyway. We had a really great conversation, and a lot of laughs.

He has a giant fish, that shamu splashed me, and I really got soaked and we couldn't stop laughing. He of course got me a towel and tried to dry me off. It's like 2 feet long its huge. (the fish...wink)

We watched another movie but mostly talked, and cuddled and laughed. He was sleeeepy around 12 he is an early to bed person, I usually stay up til 12/1. So I had to bid him a good night. Did I mention that he's a reallllllllllly good kisser? Eeek...

But today I am smiling thinking about what a good time we had.

And rememering that even though Cher is kinda weird..she was right, there IS life after love. I am trusting the universe knows what its doing. So far, all the turmoil I've been through has turned out for the best.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

At Least I'm Not Betty Johnson...

Well I guess when you get into a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend who is totally in love with them, and they dump her for you, you might have some sort of issues with it. Although, you should know that going into it.

I had a party Saturday. There was a girl there who was a friend of a friend, who's name was lets say, Betty. The day after the party I posted pictures and had a friend request from Betty Johnson with no picture. I saw some of my friends had friended her, and I thought it was the Betty from my party. Maybe Johnson is Betty's maiden name. So I friended her too. Betty used one of my photos from the party as her profile picture. Then one of my girlfriends said..that's not Betty so and so, you guys friended the wrong person.

And mysteriously pictures of me and notsomuchamanfriend began popping back up on facebook. Pictures I had deleted but I suspect the dickface had not yet deleted cus he is lax in that sort of thing. I had to go thru all my "photos of me" which were retagged with both of us in them, and delete them.

It ticked me off so much I msgd dickface and said if you know who this Betty Johnson is, please handle it, you know I did nothing to deserve this, I'm minding my business, and I think its best everyone does. Blah blah.

He responded that maybe my account got hacked. The new privacy thing makes it easy to do. I said its funny that only me and my CLOSE friends were targeted, and only pictures of him and I were being tagged. Someone hacks your account, they mess with all your stuff. Not pictures of you and your ex that she stole from you.

I deletedBetty Johnson before checking her profile but Kat did...turns out she went to my high school, and was from my hometown, and cleveland and is in a relationship, and had similar hangouts from my area. Betty didn't have much else on her profile. But betty knew enough about me to try to make her profile similar. Betty wasnt a hacker. She is a jealous bitch who will never be me, cus me don't date boys with girlfriends.

I mean if she has issue with him, what does she expect? A good guy doesn't do what he did. You can't expect things to be peas and carrots. And if he's dating someone that blatently immature I hope he gets all that he deserves. Which is to be miserable because he spread misery into my life for no reason at all.

He didn't get that its the skank he's seeing. I think its obvious. He said "maybe its someone we know im not trying to dig". Yea, like my new guy would go thru all that trouble, and he has no access to photos of us cus he isnt notsomuchamanfriends friend.

I just strive to live a drama free life. And I was dumped w/o reason. I am the one who should be pissed, yet I'm minding my own business, and being harassed.

I reported the bitch to facebook and blocked her, and all my friends unfriended her, but it was a lot of undue stress for me. I'm trying to live my life, pick up the peices, and move on.

It's very difficult to keep positive thoughts in my head when I keep thinking how much I hate him and now this bitch. I have to constantly turn it into a positive, and its causing my mind to go numb. I am trying. I'm a good person, and I wont let this horrible situation ruin or change me back into someone I dislike.

Eye on the prize. Karma will get them. I don't have to do a thing to help it along. Ommmmm...

Personal Hell...

Sometimes I wonder, what Hell is to other people. I took a class at work and before it started I heard a woman talking about how "everything that is going on in the world is the beginnings of the rapture, especially since Obama was elected". Seriously? I guess I respect other people's views, because I expect mine to be respected. But we were at work, and I chose to keep my trap shut. I know all about revelations. I read it during the Gulf war, and it scared the living shit out of me. It's the only part of the bible I've read in its entirety.

That is why now I read so much about buddhism. It's hopeful. Optimistic. Introspective. I think God is god to all of us. Allah, jehovah, buddha whatever you call it. And people put too much stock in titles.

Hell to me, is right now. I think we are all in hell. I don't think hell is a place. Like, our bodies die, and our souls suck into the ground into the burning pits of eternal fire, stoked by a horned, and hooved red man with a pitch fork. Who would want to believe that? And you know what? I am a good person despite not having a fear of hell. I still have morals. I've discussed this with the manfriend, the idea of hell and Santa Clause being similar. It's a tool to make you behave. To us. You better be good or Santa won't come! Don't have sex or you (might enjoy it) will go to hell!

If hell is being forced to repeat horrible things from our lives, then why do we have to go to a "place" for this to happen? Personally, I've repeated plenty of mistakes because I never fixed what was wrong with me. I was in several abusive relationships. I didn't value myself. I was miserable. So, I kept repeating the same pattern. I can apply this to a billion things in my own life. I have worked on many, and getting past them is what the buddhists describe as "enlightenment". I don't believe I am fully enlightened, but I know I am well on my way. Recognizing what I don't like about myself, and taking the steps to fix these things. The me today doesn't know the me 10 years ago. I was a complete and utter mess. I would describe me as crazy.

What is enlightenment?

"What is that state of Cosmic Consciousness, the ultimate awareness called variously - enlightenment, nirvana, satori, samadhi, self-realization, rapture, salvation, ascension, unity consciousness, voidness, and many other terms by many various religions? It is the goal of life, the ultimate destination of every individualized being. It is brought about when the individual personality ascends beyond the illusionary perception of self separateness to merge in the Universal Self from which it originated so very long ago. Spiritual evolution towards this goal takes place over ages but the final ascent of Spirit can happen in an instant of time. "

I believe that our purpose in life is to learn that we are all interdependant, and to practice compassion towards each other. Realize that there is no yin without yang. Good without bad, or love without hate. I think the lessons you learn while you are on this earth will help you in your next life. I also believe in reincarnation. And if you believe in "soul mates" and "soul groups" you can't not believe in reincarnation. There is not one without the other. I've heard so many people say they found their "soul mate" and then say that it's evil to believe in reincarnation. It's the same thing.

I believe one's incarnation is why some people have it easy, and some have it hard. We all have our own paths, and lessons to learn in each life. My life may have been hard in the past, but because of that I have learned so much. You don't learn without experience. You don't read how to live your life in a book, and have all the knowledge that you have to have.

What do you think hell is? And have you ever given it much thought? Or do you just dismiss it as a "place you go to when you aren't saved"?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Relapse...

I've had a very busy time off work. I got my old apt all cleaned out. Single handedly took down my hill of doom a floor model TV, treadmill, couch, chair, coffee tables, dresser, and a host of other crap. Plus cleaned, and lugged crap to my new apt and my moms. It was hell. Remind me of all this next time I want to move.

Especially in 2 weeks because I think it will help my relationship. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd had more time. That cocksucker can eat a dick and die. He didn't even plan on being with me and he let me move in two weeks. In retrospect, I'm happy I did.

I'm very happy in my new home though. It's so nice, and homey and so much bigger, and nicer and close to work, and I dont have to pay extra taxes. I spent my Friday at the tax dept. The latest is they are filing criminal charges against me cus I didn't file for 2007. I'm trying to work all that out by getting my w2s as I moved and cant find SHIT. Its always something.

My word of advice, dont move to canal fulton.

Saturday I had my first official party. It was a lot of fun! I did end up inviting the new guy. And he had plans to watch the fight, but he did come later =). One of my girlfriends got wasted and was hitting on him, and another married guy. And then decided to text notsomuchamanfriend.

Nice.

She then began reading said text from him out loud. I asked her to be quiet. I couldn't send her home though she was making everyone uncomfortable cus she was clearly too drunk to drive. The next day I asked her what she said to the ex, and she didnt remember but had one text that said something like...'i broke up w/her for valid reasons plus i was an asshole, shes a sweetheart why would she want me there anyway there is no way to repair the damage thats been done'

translation, im a dick that cheated on the best girl in the world. What pissed me off as I told her, is I dont want him to know about me and my life. He doesn't deserve to. I never did anything to hurt him and now I have to think he thinks I wanted him to come over. He hurt me. He doesn't get to know about me.

So i just texted him "fyi i didnt have (insert drunk friends name) text you, she knows what happened. I've moved on 2, i dont want or need a response from you just wanted that to be clear"

He responded "i didnt think you did, thanks for clearing that up"

Dick.

And, I saw pics posted over the wknd on his friends page that were taken at his house, and it was hard not to click on them to look. (facebook) But I didn't. I don't care what hes doing. It'll only hurt me more to see for myself. He can't be happy. He might think he is. For some reason its easier for guys to move on than girls. Because they never deal with things. Thus the reason he's haunted by his marriage from years ago. Sucks to be him.

I then had my date with the new guy on Sunday. I had a lot of fun, and noticed that he's super polite to people, and he did open the car door for me, which is a major plus. But a lot of the time I was distracted.

Because I didn't know if I should put my hand on him when he put his arm around me. I kept thinking about how easy it was with notsomuchamanfriend, and how happy I was. How I loved to swoon over him and flirt with him and it came so natural. I was smitten with him right from the start and he consumed my every thought. I miss that. And I don't know if its a good or bad thing I don't have that now.

I am questioning everything, because I thought I had a perfect relationship. Per-fect.

My hairdresser even wanted to cry for me. She had also never seen me so happy. After a while I made her change the subject. I'm like how many times can you go over the fact that you were completely taken by suprise and shit on? I'm trying to pick up the peices.

Break ups are so much easier when the relationship falls apart first. Being blindsided like this has really shaken me up. I spent my birthday crying most of the day. Over an asshole. And I had a nice guy take the time to wish me a happy birthday (among all my awesome friends).

I know I am better off. He was holding me back. I just wish things were different. I wish I could forget him easier like he can obviously forget me. If its meant to be this way why isnt it easier. I hate it.

And I don't want to be mean and wish bad on anyone, but I can't believe how much he hurt me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

OK..Maybe Sex in the City...

I am off work for five days. So last night I settled in with a paintbrush, which is what I do anymore. I paint my furniture white. It takes for. ev. er.

I got a text from the new guy asking what I was up to. I said I was just painting, what are you up to...

He responded he was going home from work, and coming to see me?

I told him I would like that. He asked could he bring anything. I said...wine?

He called me for directions, and the deal was made. My first company!

I had company last night. It took him 10 whole minutes to come over. We fell right back into things except they were different. We both knew that this wasn't going to be a casual deal, and that made it seem a lot closer. We talked about deeper things.

We kissed. He is a reallllllly good kisser. This is way important. Notsomuchamanfriend wasn't much for kissing. Neither was the last guy or the guy before that. Anyway he said kissing leads to other things, and he didn't come over for that. I told him I think we get a pass since we've been there before. Maybe I'm a bad influence? Maybe I know what I like.

We had a nice talk, a lot of laughs, and he asked me my favorite food. He's gonna make me chicken parmesean. Yum! I said you bread it and everything? Yes. He likes to cook. Aaaand he has a garden. I thought that was pretty cute.

I kept him up really late he had to work in the morning. He said he was a little tired today, but I said if its any consellation I slept really good. He was happy to have fixed my sleeping problem. I asked if I could get a prescription, and he said he would hook me up. I said I must be a lucky girl then.

It felt good to spend time with him. It's not like a stranger, and when we were talking, we knew a lot of the same people we were talking about. He remembers meeting my brother at a party, I went to school with some of his friends, he is friends w/my friends fiance, and another friends ex husband.

I think the universe works in mysterious ways. And we weren't ready for more when we were together in the past. And now that we are, the universe made way for us to be together. I'm gonna take it day by day but so far, I like it!

And, I have not even tried to dig for info on notsomuchamanfriend. Because I don't give a shit. I really dont. I think he is stupid that he let me go but as it turns out, it seems like it was to make way for bigger (yea, that too) and better things!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

No Sex in the City...

When I moved in there were some annoying kids from across the street wanting to help. Then wanting to sell me old broken box fans. Ghetto.

I don't like kids. Especially, annoying kids. I got home from work Monday night, and they were out on their porch instantly, I saw them in the rear view mirror. Ugh, I thought, leave me alone!

I went up front to get my trash can, and they were like "hey, hey, hey hi, hey" and I just waved.

"wanna see my new cap gun?"

"no" I replied

This is when the kid pointed a gun in the air and pop pop pop yes, it was a cap gun and he didn't point it at me...but I can see I'm going to have to call the cops on these kids some day.

Last night, I pull in and they are outside on the porch. I know they were waiting to talk to me. I sat in the car and messed around with my bags until they went inside, when I then proceeded to go in my back door to avoid contact.

Reason 567,893,091 not to have kids. You may resent them, and they will turn into hoooligans who terrorize the neighbors.

Other than that I'm happy at home. I am content there. I'm almost all unpacked, and I have to deal with my other apartment now. Which I am not happy about.

The new place is starting to feel like home. I'm sleeping in my bed, sleeping soundly, and get to work in less than 15 minutes.

Now....to stop drinking wine every night so I can sleep. Oh didn't I mention that part?

After much distress I friended new guy on facebook yesterday. And now he accepted. EEEK. Do I sound like I'm 17 or what?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

New is Hard..

I chatted with the new guy a bit last night. We were talking about the past, and he asked if I ever thought about it. I said yes I have, and he said he did too, but thats not all he wants "this time". I said its good to know, because I'm past that phase in my life, but I have no regrets. =)

Then he said he's excited for the game Sunday he's never been to a hockey game. And you know my neighbor was like, "We'll have to leave you two alone after" aaack. Alone!? I mean I feel at ease when we talk, so why am I so worried?

The physical part was easy. This relationship stuff, is the hard part. I can see why guys are the way they are to some extent.

It brings up a whole new set of questions. Because, obviously, we've been together before. Do you jump back in? Or wait? Or what???? It's different when you don't know what you are missing by holding out. But then I also don't want to jump right into something because i'm freshly out of a break up. I don't want it to be a rebound. We hooked up in like 2006. And it lasted almost a year.

But do rebounds apply when you already know the person? Why do girls over analyze everything so much?

What do I wear?

I'm also glad I moved. No more memories of notsomuchamanfriend in the new place. That also helps with forgetting him. It kinda scares me how easily things are flowing for me.

The universe may be paying me back for all my good deeds! Wish me luck!

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Beat goes On...

Darndest thing. I'm ok. Like I said I'm sad and I have my moments. So when I have my moments, I replace that with, "he's a miserable motherfucker, and it's his loss" and I move on! I don't want to be with someone who can't move forward with me. I've done a lot of work on myself. I'm not letting someone ruin my future because of their past.

I've been fighting contacting new guy after setting a date. (really, its a group date, he's friends with my old neighbors and we are all going to the game together as I have 4 tix) He hasn't had a relationship in years. He hasn't been ready. Some people, take time to be ready. Unlike notsomuchamanfriend (thx Damsel for that name lol) So, I am trying not to push my relationship ready self into it right away. It would be easy to slip right into something again.

And, it paid off, he sent me a message last night to say goodnight, and wish me a happy monday. So...he's obviously been thinking of me too. =)

I stopped seeing him back in the day because I started to like him. And at the time we had an understanding. The understanding was we didn't want anything more, and we were both OK with that. He said I never told him I wanted more. Which I didn't. Very shortly after I met notsomuchamanfriend, and I told new guy that I've met someone. And that I'm in love. Because though he contacted me from time to time throughout the two years.....

I'm not a cheater.

But, everything happens for a reason...we'll see what that is.

I hung w/my old neighbors Friday. Turns out, the male counterpart told new guy that me and notsomuchamanfriend had broken up. So it wasn't exactly coincidental that he called me that night. He said he always thought we'd be good together. Another of my girlfriends said that too. Time will tell. I mean, I do like him and he makes me laugh...

Saturday I got CABLE, and I have CABLE in my bedroom! Yay! I also had my washer hooked up and I got a ton of stuff unpacked. I'm moving right along. Still have stuff at the old place I've been getting it little by little. And painting all my furniture white to match the new place.

I slept in my own bed. Forever, I had to sleep on the couch cus I missed sleeping with that asshole. I only slept in my bed w/him. Which I cannot say the same for him.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Clear Conscience...

I am OK. I know this, because I'm confident in my efforts in this relationship. I gave everything I had. I treated him like gold. I supported, complimented, loved, craved, and valued everything about him. All the time. I never disrespected him. I never put him down. Didn't control him. I never made him feel like any decisions he made were wrong. I'm almost always upbeat and happy, and the one to make you laugh when you have a bad day.

I'm the perfect girlfriend. Seriously.

I was 100% myself with him. I never waivered from who I am. I trusted him completely. I let him have his own life, and was always there when he asked me to be.

Trying it again to me meant trying. So I tried. I did everything I could to make it work. Who else moves in two weeks? And makes all the effort to save something? I didn't want any doubts. No room for question. So I tried.

I cry now and then. But mostly, I'm ok. I cry because I hurt, and I miss him and things we did. And the cute things we said to each other. And when I see old people I cry because I use to see us in them. I cry and I feel my feelings and then I'm done.

I don't have those "if only I'd done this" or "I didn't give it my all" or "if only I were better". No "what if's". Nothing like the 24 hour crying bout when he dumped me, for no real reason.

The key to all of this, is that I was happy with my life when we met. I am a happy person. I know who I am, and I know what I'm worth. The fact that he met someone else or lost interest in me? Isn't my fault. I am a great person, who picks not so great people.

I'll never change me. I'll never "be a bitch" to keep a man. I'm not one, so why change. Someone will love and appreciate me for what I am. And they wont let me go, or run away scared because I'm everything they want.

I've done so much work to get where I am today, and I wont let anyone take it away from me again. Men have berated me and treated me like shit my whole life. I would get deeper and deeper into depression, and self hatred. Normally I'd have blamed myself for this falling apart. He doesnt love me whats wrong with me?

But knowing myself and doing all that work allows me to know with confidence, I love me. I am a hell of a person, and I have so much to offer. It truely is his loss, and that's not lip service. I have absolutely no doubts that he will if not now, eventually come to terms with what he lost.

And despite the outcome of this relationship, it was the happiest 2 years of my life with a man. I had never felt more loved and appreciated or important to a person in my life. I know it was real. I know what I wanted, and it was him. Of course, minus the inability to commit to me, everything was perfect. It was my first happy, loving relationship free from abuse.

And I know that he will be the one doubting his decision some day. He's the one w/questions. Why he isnt happy. Why things didnt work. What went wrong. How could it have been better. Why did I hurt her. Why can't I find "the one"? I tried to help him all the time with his "issues" but he isn't ready for change. He'll move from person to person...wondering...why am I not happy? For his sake, I hope he can one day turn that finger around on himself.

If he can get "bored" with our relationship, I feel sorry for this girl.

Well, I actually feel sorry for him. I know I'll be OK. My friends support me. They aren't behind my back telling him he is better off without me. (i cant get over that one...his friends secretly support ME. It speaks volumes about a person and their choices when their friends do that)

I'm not the best thing in the world, but I'm pretty damned special! And I'm gonna take my special ass to the next level, and be everything I am and more.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Ugly Truth...

So the real truth behind why notamanfriend dumped me....he's a stupid fucking pussy that can't decide what he wants, and is dead to me.

Did I get your attention?

We've been seeing each other you know. Sleeping together. Going places together. Ya know, back together? But lets first point out some things I've noticed over the last couple weeks.

Three days after we broke up, we went to dinner and had our talk. We're gonna work it out. I'm gonna move, and be closer to you, and we will see each other more, and I can try everything I can to make this work because I love you.

All along hes told me that he loves me, sees a future with me, we can be great together, if only the distance were shorter.....what a crock of shit.

We went back to his house that night, and I noticed a lasagna pan in the sink and I asked if he made dinner. He said he made lasagna. "For yourself?" Who does that? Nobody!

That night we had make up sex.

Two days later he invites me to his friends bday party. Three days later, an OSU party, and we spent the whole night w/his family. Meanwhile you know, things are pretty normal.

The next time I was over, I noticed he had lettuce in his refrigerator. He doesn't eat lettuce. Nor has he ever bought lettuce for me come to think of it. "Joe was over and we made sandwhiches"

Oh....ok. Saaaandwhiches.

He also got rid of my body wash and slippers. I thought well we did break up. But then, why so fast? Three days later? I still had all his crap. And he was the one saying we could work things out.

Thursday I spent thanksgiving with his family.

Friday he told me he didn't know if things w/us were going to work out. He thought we would take some time apart and have a "fresh start". A fresh start from what? As far as I'm concerned (and anyone who knows us I'm not delusional) we were the happiest couple around. We ended up having a long talk that night. And I stayed over. In bed with him you know, because we're back together. Got up early Saturday to move me.

Saturday, he stayed with me after we moved. The whole night he helped me, hooked up my TV and whatnot. Told me he loved doing those things for me. Kept saying maybe Chantix was making him depressed. Can't put his finger on why he couldn't shake this bad feeling he had. We went out for drinks.

Sunday we went to breakfast and he kind of darted off right after. He sent me a message on facebook since his phone was shut off, saying how he enjoyed helping me, sent me hugs and kisses.

I was sick Monday. He had a drug test for his new job, and I didn't hear from him until 10 when I happened to text him to see if his phone was back on. I think its a sign when someone doesn't fill you in on their life, that they don't want you to be a part of it.

Tuesday he didn't want to see me. He had to work til 10. We use to see each other at 10, 11, 12. It didn't matter. So, i told him that hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, he wanted to talk.

He tried to dump me again for all the same bullshit reasons. Only, this time distance didn't cut it. Because remember, I moved closer to him. I asked him why a friend would tell me im better off without him. One of his friends? If one of my friends said that about me I'd feel like crap. I asked him about the lasagna, and the lettuce, because as I explained, I'm a girl and we pick up on these things. I wanted to know the truth about all of that, and he owed me.

So, he came clean with it.

"I never did anything behind your back, but one of the reasons we broke up was because I have an interest in someone else"

An interest. Which all makes sense, because he kept saying he wanted a break. See how things go, and maybe get back togther. A break from what? What's wrong with us? Why do we need a fresh start?

Oh, but now you see he really wanted to see what happened with this other girl. Who, I suspect is someone we both know. Otherwise, a new girl would wonder why he isn't spending weekends with her. And if things didn't work out he wanted an open door to come back. And, when I asked who it was he wouldn't tell me. I said I would find out and he said go ahead but I'm not gong to tell you. Dead giveaway that I know the bitch.

Meanwhile, it was perfectly ok to let me get sick each day wondering what went wrong with us, rather than tell me he's just a peice of shit who is fucked in the head and doesn't know what he wants.

He's so very sorry for that. He should have stayed broken up with me and not tried to work things out. You think?

I took the liberty of letting him know that this girl too, will want to get married one day. And that he has a lot of problems he needs to deal with, that wont just go away. He kept telling me nothing happened and he doesnt know if it will even go anywhere. As if that is suppose to make it all ok.
He pretended to be so independent, yet obviously he needs someone up his ass 24/7. Maybe instead of wondering why he has no real job, or money, (hes been laid off since May btw) he should have spent all his time looking for a better job. Or a second job. Instead of another girlfriend.

Ya think?

I am smart enough to know you make yourself happy. I didn't make him unhappy. I did nothing but treat him like gold. You can't start relationships when you aren't happy. So I can say with confidence his little excursion is not going to blossom. She's not me. Plain and simple.

He knew he had another interest, when we went to dinner and decided to work things out. He failed to mention it. He knew when I decided to move. He knew when I was worried how I'd get out of my lease, or pay two rents. Sure, It kicked me in the ass to finally move...but I didn't have to move IN TWO WEEKS! Maybe it was something you think he would have mentioned out of respect for me.

He knew this, when he took me home, and had sex with me that night. Took me out with his friends who all obviously know something is going on. And when he pretended to be trying to work things out with me. He knew this when he "couldnt figure out why he couldnt let me in, and be close to me" Duh, you cant be close to someone you are cheating on! (oh he didnt cheat on me, he has an interest that may not even go anywhere but hes not sure he wants to put in the work it would take for us to make it. And he lost interest in us towards the end)

You usually lose interest in someone when you cheat on them. Also, I let him know he was an excellent actor, and I hoped his new girlfriend appreciated that trait in him.

I also let him know that someone was interested in me, but I didn't pursue anything because I'm IN LOVE WITH HIM. I can't just move on with someone else like that.

As much as it all hurts, it is a relief to know the truth. I've been cheated on so many times, it seems par for the course. I'm almost more relieved about this than its just over because I live too far away. Right now I'm in shock. And a little bit of pain. I know the rest will come on in time. But I'm suprisingly at peace with it. I've been such an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

So, in the end..cheaters get theirs. They always do. He cant just forget about me, I know he loves me and he will try to drown all that out with another girl but it wont work. You cant move from person to person like that.

Plus, I gave him a cat. And I named her. And he will have to think about me for the next 13+ years. Fucking bastard. I never saw this coming.

So I then promptly made a date with someone who was interested in me, for my birthday in two weeks.

Touche, motherfucker. Stories over.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

One is a Lonley Number...

Well, I'm back to work after the big move. I got almost everything out of the old place. Lots to take to the curb to trash still.

As soon as the truck backed into my new driveway two kids came running over from across the street wanting to help. You may think, how nice, but for someone who doesn't love kids, I thought great! Just like stray cats if you're nice to them they wont go away. They then tried selling broken box fans to my friends. Luckily they havn't come back.

I don't feel settled, I'm still living in boxes. My first night in the apartment, my dog fell down the steps and broke a bone in her foot. Sunday night I got violently ill around 2 am and spent the next 6 hours puking and pooing, and worrying about my dog that I couldn't take to emergency since I had to pay two rents for December.

I stopped throwing up in the morning, and got my dog to the regular vet, she's got a splint on, and hopefully it works because I can't afford xrays or surgery. How depressing.

I've been super lonley in my new place. Which is weird because I'm use to being alone all the time, and nothings changed there. Maybe its not having cable and being connected to the "real world?"

I really love it, I have so much space, and my kitchen table looks so dinky in my huge dining room. I have enough stuff in my kitchen for three kitchens. My Mom helped me put stuff away and wash dishes. But I need more storage.

Have to call the landlord today because they couldn't hook up my washer/dryer, i guess some valves are missing and there isn't a plug for the washer. That's fabulous.

I don't feel fabulous physically. I'm sore from throwing up. I am however going to go home for lunch and check on my puppy. It's nice that I can do that now!

I hope to have everything at my old apartment done this weekend so I can start living life again.