"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, October 30, 2009

Clear. Crystal.

What if I drink water all day (64 oz the recommended amount) and then have at least 32 more oz at home each night, and my pee is still stinky?

Dr. Oz said you drink enough water when your pee is clear. It use to be clear forever. Then bam for a months now its been yellow again.

I know there are bigger problems in the world, but you can die of water intoxication, and how much is enough?

I sweat. A lot. When I work out. But I always work out. Nothing new.

I'm not eating anything different than i always have, I always eat the same, boring food every boring day.

I am starting to think somethings wrong with me.

I was quite proud of my clear pee.

Does that make me weird?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

If I had a million dollars...

On Oprah yesterday I learned two things. One, I am right to say that I'll win the lottery one day. Because that's positive thinking, and the winners on the show did just that.

Two, how to make million dollar double delight peanut butter cookies. They are on the oprah website. I'm making them for my work party tomorrow. I vow not to eat them all.

I vow to remember that I do not workout 2 hours a day to eat a dozen cookies.

I workout so I can watch TV.

I jacked up my template taking out some sidebar things. There was a time when I could have recoded the whole thing. Now I don't much care.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Over You, get over me...

So like, a few Saturday's ago, my phone rang at 8 am. Who calls me at 8am on a Saturday? I dunno, I answered it. Suprise, it was my ex BF. Z.

Now, he's called me plenty over the years. I told him a bazillion times that I'm happy now. For a long time I just ignored the calls. Always caller id blocked.

Last time I talked to him, he wanted me to write a letter to the prosecutor to get his felony esponged (sp?). "I paid my dues" His felonly? Breaking and entering into my house while I slept, waking me up, and terrorizing me.

Maybe he didn't attempt to murder me. But he did hold me against my will, and threaten to kill me, and push me around for a couple of hours.

Since then he has called a lot. Left me msgs telling me to answer the phone. And called some more.

I was caught off guard, when he said he just called this time....to see if I'm married.

Are you married?

I asked. Why do you care if I am? I am very happy now.

As if he wants to demean my happiness, because I'm not married yet. It pissed me off. He wanted to let me know that he is finally having his felony esponged from his record.

"good for you. "

"It is good for me, you know i have been unable to get a real job because of that."

I think he was unable to get a real job because he lacks any non manual labored skill. And he's a drug addict, but whatever.

He wanted to act like what he did wasn't wrong. I reminded him that he broke in my house, and hurt me. He seems to remember it very differently. But the grand jury didn't.

Even though, I may have changed my story, as most abused women do, so he wouldn't go to jail, the state still found him guilty.

And he still calls me.

At first after we broke up I liked it that he called me. It felt good that he thought he messed up with letting me go. I talked to him for a lot of years. I even saw him "casually" a few times.

Of course he messed up, he didn't even deserve me in the first place. I am not that same girl.

I've so moved on. I love me now. I didn't then.

Some good news is that this weekend, that man and woman I mentioned may have come to an agreement. By agreement, I mean that the man also said he would marry the woman....

(They are not engaged.....)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yea, I still workout....

I havn't complained latley about working out. I'm still doing it. Every day. Five days a week. I joined that spark people website, which is hella fun. You track your nutrition, and your fitness. Set goals, and it will tell you, woa you have burned too many calories for you diet eat more. It gives you bar graphs and food reports, to show your progress.

Tells you that you have run 92 miles in the last month. (yayyyy)

Or, you need to eat more carbs. Yes, I had to eat more carbs! Awesome!

But then its frustrating too, because I have to increase my calories to accomodate my workouts, which seems easy. But you need 500 more calories, what do you eat? Well sometimes I'll eat a block of cheese. (embaressed grin....)

Or you can workout less. If I cut my workouts, I can only eat 1200 calories a day. Who wants to do that? Thats only 400 calories a meal! Good luck! I eat a salad with cheese, light italian, and turkey meatballs, and thats 400 calories. I'm not eating less, thank you.

I need more fat, so i started eating avocados. I start to love them. Guess what? They are hella fattening. It's seriously a job to balance everything. I don't understand why either. I guess the first 70lbs was kinda easy considering I didn't really try other than working out. Now its like my second job.

I run 4 miles a day on my lunch break. To me its running, it's a 12 minute mile averaged over 50 minutes.

After work I do a half hour sometimes thats 3 miles of running, sometimes its a half hour on the eliptical, or stationary bike.

Then I do a half hour of abs/weights. Since I've been doing the abs/weights over the last month, I've gained weight. Of course one would say this is muscle. I don't care what it is. I don't like it.

Last week I did the double workout only twice because I have been burning double the calories I need to burn to lose weight.

I need to hire a personal trainer. I need Bob or Jillian. Fo realz.

Good news! My manfriend got a new job at a really important hospital around here that I wont mention but if your from here you know what it is. It's pretty exciting for him, and I'm really happy because its a foot in the door, and something he really wants!

Then I'm sad for me cus its all kinds of weird hours, and every other weekend, and we dont see each other much as it is, and I feel awful for mentioning it, but its true.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Halloween Party....

Theres me in my fabulous paper doll costume. I made it myself. As if it looks difficult, but still. I did.

My manfriend was a priest with an inflatable stiffie. The inflator was this testies. He liked putting it in my drink. Boys.

I made manfriends cat, Mojo an afro, and I think she looks pretty bad-ass!

About 99% of the party threw up, or got hurt, or doesn't remember the night. We finished a keg. But still, whats up with that?

I'm happy to say that I neither vomited nor got hurt. Score for me!

Friday, October 23, 2009


Tonight, I'm going to Scare Creek with some girlfriends. Where there is two haunted houses, hayride, and forest, followed by a bonfire. Muh ah ah ah ah. Luckily some of them will be nurses in case my heart stops beating. Just kidding. I don't get scared scared. I get startled scared, but I'm at the point where I know its not a monster.

I mean, I'm 33. Should I even be going to this event? Hells yea, cus its gonna be so much fun!

It better stop raining.

Did I mention I saw Paranormal Activity a couple wks ago? I drove allllll the way to independence (kind of a haul) to see it, and it kinda sucked. It was a really good red box $1 rental! Saw 6 will not disappoint me!

Tomorrow is manfriends halloween party. Where I'm going to dress up like a paper doll, have the most original costume, and have some cocktails.

Manfriend is going to be a priest with a stiffy. Go figure. There's a reason I love that boy. And its not about religion. Oh I guess its not about stiffy's either. But thats a bonus!

Im making buffalo chicken dip that I had at a party once and is now my favorite thing. It has cheese, cream cheese, ranch dressing, canned chicken, and red hot, all melted up in the crock pot. It's quite delicious.

I'll have to blog about how my ex bf called me last wknd. I swear its been over for almost 10 years.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Truth or Fiction...

Man: where do you see our relationship going?

Woman: I want to marry you, not tomorrow but in the future.

Subject is changed to something like, being in love, and liking to hang out with each other or something similar.

If this were true would it be a bad thing?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not so Glowing Review...

Yesterday I gave annoying coworker her review. In said review, I made mention of something I had verbally counseled her on back in May. She was rude to the mail room and asked for her own mail box because she thought she was important or something. She gets confidential bonus information. What. Ever.

The supervisor called me. I talked to annoying coworker, she apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I keep a "performance log" on each person, its very detailed. I use this for reviews. So I don't forget what happens. So if someone denies something, I have proof.

So when I come to that part on her review she says "that didn't happen". I said "annoying coworker, it did happen, we talked about it, and you apologized, I documented that conversation"

She came up with a totally different story. And wrote it on her review. She's delusional. Seriously.

She got a lower score than her last supervisor gave her. She got almost the lowest score on all her "interpersonal skills" areas. My boss's boss has to sign off on them. He signed and returned it to me with this note:

"I'm really suprised the score was so high w/the counselings and other issues I would have given her a "1" in (notes interpersonal skills sections) This was a gift."

Yea the boss's boss doesn't like you. You're in trouble.

Her score was in the middle section of the scale. I mean she does a great job, she just has no personal skills. The rest made up for her mediocre score.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I had a great time this weekend. Last Friday I had a much needed girls night. I met my friends at All Fired Up, a pottery place, to make spoooooky halloween plates, and drink wine. Then we went to have cocktails at the bar nearby, and some laughs.

And left to another bar, and had more laughs. Two of my girlfriends had never heard shewolf by shakira. What is their problems? I really enjoyed my cherry vodka and club sodas at the Firehouse cus they gave me cherries in my drink. Life is a bowl of cherries you know.

Saturday I picked up my new glasses, which made me feel woooozie cus its a totally new script. I went shopping with my Mom and her sisters, had dinner with them all, and backed into a telephone pole like a total asshole. I didnt see it even after I hit it. At first I thought....."omg I hit someone, and they are dead".

You cant even on my super car. Dodge. Like a rock. Wait, is that ford? I dunno....

That night I went to see my cute manfriend. When I'm with him it doesnt seem to bother me that we have no future. We went to a nerd convention at a hotel, and one of his friends in a nerd group called "barfleet" (yes, after starfleet from star trek...) had a party. It was a lot of fun but I'd catch myself laughing as I looked around at all the costumed people and thought....this isn't a halloween party.

They enjoy dressing up. Its their thing. It was a Live Action Role Playing thing. Did I mention there was free liquer, and dancing? Yea, um, dancing.

So, the manfriend and I have talked about "us" many times and he says stuff like "if we lived together....." and "im not ready and i cant say when i will be" " i see a future with you but im not ready now" and refers to us being old and grey together.

But its all talk. I understand being burned, but havn't we all? I dont like having conversations where nothing changes and to be honest, I'm afraid to end an amazing relationship because we may just want different things. I've never done that. Ive had shitty relationships that ended cus they were shitty.

Obviously, I'm dating a commitment phobe. I was with my ex husband for 7 years. He did a lot of crappy things to me, and we were volatile at the end. But I don't punish manfriend for it. Its in the past. I'm still paying for what his past has done to him. That's not fair.

I love him and hes good to me, and the fact that I want something he says he isnt ready for....scares me. So I keep stalling. I don't want to push him away. But seriously, after two years, I think you know where it is going. And we have had an amazing two years, it isn't like it's been questionable.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Rain and Snow...

When I get down in the dumper I think about things like how you date someone forever, and they don't want to commit to you ie; live together or discuss marriage, and then they dump you and move in with ..another girl.

Or how you're married and your husband says I just dont love you anymore. And has knocked up another girl. Or how he says "marriage isnt for me" ...and then gets married. To another girl.

As was my facebook status today, when a guy doesn't want to get married, he just doesn't want to marry you.....

It may have happened to me a time or two.

I don't know if I'm projecting or what, but I have a feeling this is going to happen to me again.

Nothing has happened and I'm fabulously happy. As long as I'm happy living apart from the man I love indefinately.

And don't want to get married one day. Perhaps forever. Which I do want.

And as long as it doesn't matter to me that when people ask about our future in front of me he shrugs and says eeeehhhhh.....i dunno.....

I'm ususally a strong unflappable person, but I do have needs, and wants, and from time to time if you read me you'll know this gets to me. There's a reason it keeps coming up.

And...then you blow off your second workout for the day to go home and cry.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Another One Down....

Another swine flu case in the dept. I sat with this person yesterday. I have a headache today thats how it starts.

Only I'm not getting it. I have way too much to do in October. And I live alone. I'll die alone. Who will want to come bring me fluids when I'm contageious. Who will feed my animals. And bathe my stinky dog. And make her take her pills. And clean my catboxes.


Last time I was deathly ill, I peed myself. And I didn't care. I had no one to make me change cus I stank. Luckily My friend Beth got my scripts for me, and Kat took me to the urgent care. Or I very well may have been cat food.

Speaking of sick, I went to the eye dr. yesterday. My insurance pretty much blowed...it covered a whopping $110, for glasses and/or contacts, and I had to pay $10 for the exam. Glasses, which were only $99 frames, cost me 200 something, so I still had to pay over $100 for my appointment.

I pay more than that for my insurance. Then, they changed one of my eyes, ive always had the same vision in both, so im able to get 1 box of contacts and save money. Nope, now I have one slightly different.

I'm glad I have insurance, but it's cheaper to go to walmart w/o insurance.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Saturday was a beautiful day! A perfect day for canoeing!

A lot of people bailed because they all suck and dont know how to have a good time, but that's their bad.

We ended up only going with manfriend's high school friend and her husband. And the party ensued thereafter around 7.

We were up until 6 in the morning. You know I'm going to be paying for that for the next week.

I get to go to the eye dr today and finally get new contacts its only been forever I've had one pair left.

And my glasses blow.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Sofa King...

I'm back to work and fabulous. Not in that order thought. I had a great time in Columbus with my manfriend. Who at like 6:00 realized the wedding was not at 4:30 but at 12, so driving to columbus in our wedding clothes wasn't an option. We pulled together a hotel, got to my house, fed the kids, and settled in our hotel by around 11:30 Saturday. Not too shabby.

The wedding was outside Sunday. Freezing cold. On the water. Isn't that picture pretty? It is if you like the city. I guess. Oh, but they had their dog at the wedding w/a bowtie on. CUTE! And it was vegan. Which I liked, but manfriend is a meat eater. So the cabbage peirogis werent his favorite. I think he ate two potato ones. We had wine instead.

And then ate at the bar afterwards.

On my agenda was to clean my garage, and I took cushions off my couch out there thats been there like 5 years. And, there was a mouse nest! Eeeeek! So I screamed and went inside. My mom came the next day to help me drag it out to the curb. We got a lot accomplished too.

I'm all kinds of excited to be back at work. My annoying coworker annoyed another department in my absence. I already talked to her about it once. While meeting with my boss and bosses boss today, bosses boss said "coworker is not pleasant to interact with, I asked her how she was in the hall yesterday and she growled at me....she actually made that noise"

It doesn't suprise me. She's a mental case. She makes weird noises. I said "oh she didn't feel well yesterday, that's how she expresses herself"

And I have to manage that betch!

P.S. on my spark people site, it told me to increase my calories by 500. I'm spose to eat a MININUM of 1700 calories to support my workouts. I think I might just work out less. That's too much food. I am tempted to fill that 500 with a ding dong or something.

I got to spend 4 nights with my manfriend, which was pretty much a slice of heaven. And I get to see him tomorrow, where I'm having a party.

my landlord said im a good tenant and not to worry about paying the penalty money! Yessss

Friday, October 02, 2009


I'm off work for 3 days! That's exciting to me. Five total, but you know!

In the tradition of taking vacation I had to do double the work all week in preparation for leaving, and will have double the work when I get back. grrrr...

I'm going to Columbus to a wedding on Sunday with the manfriend. (who gets married on a sunday?) We may stay two nights, we may not.

Manfriends birthday is Tuesday, and like everyone else he gets a gift from work, which means its either precious metal or precious stone! Its cheaper for me cus I don't have to pay interest. And I get a discount. Cha ching!

You know its been 455 days since I took vacation? That's almost un American!

Oh i had to email my landlord and tell her how I can't pay my rent until next friday....Its only my second time being late. But I hate it!

I lost half a pound this week since joining spark people. Although I had two people comment that I look like I lost weight, randomly. Who knows. I have been working out twice a day for weeks now, somethings gotta give!

I'm going to play beer pong with my manfriend tonight. And meet his friends new fling. You know I don't like having to get to know new significant others. I kinda liked the old one. Hmf.