"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, January 31, 2008

La Dee Da

First things first people. Lost is on tonight. Lost. Which hasn't been on for almost a freaking year! Lost! I think I'll even workout longer so I can stay up and watch the whole thing. Nice trade off!

I got my second W-2 last night. I forgot that the current second job puts ours online and I have to figure out how to access the damn thing. Good luck. So, this weekend I can file my taxes! And, I'm probably going to jail for not paying taxes where I live. Another reason I want to move, I get an extra income tax on top of what I already pay to the city I work. I hate that place more every day. I love the apartment and the space I have. That's about it.

I started looking at condos again yesterday. There are a lot for cheap, close to work, and the fee's are only 109. Im sure their not spectacular, but for less than I'm paying in rent, I can own something, have almost the same square footage, and have my pets. I'm at least looking into it. I hate to think of resale some day, but whats meant to be will be. I have to explore all my options at this point. It doesn't hurt to try. Bonus? Where I'm looking you don't pay water or heat. And, have a fireplace. I aspire to have one, it's one of the things on my dream board. Along with the ocean. And money. One thing at a time.

Work. The lead from the old coworker turned out to be for the accounting department, with 5 years experience. I'm applying. It doesnt hurt. Another lead, from an old coworker, for a job that sounds awesome, is only part time. I could try for it, and work the second job but it's not very stable.

Last night I got to see my guy! It was fantastical even though he is not feeling well. Poor thing. I hooked up my DVD player to my TV downstairs using an RF modulator (doesn't that sound smart?). It worked. I'm not an electronics moron. So we had some alone time which felt amazing, but then again any time I'm with him is amazing, and ya know what else? That amazes me. Amazing. Sometimes I have to pinch myslef because it all seems too good to be true, but then I know that I deserve this happiness, so theres no question. I am happy with the person I am, and someone else finally appreciates that. I havn't ever been with someone that I don't think.."hmmm, that's nice, but....." meaning, there's good there but this or that could change. I am well aware people are who they are unless they desire a change in themselvs, and I am happy with the person he is. Imagine that! Not to mention.. I just love feeling like a kid again with the giggly goofey love I feel for him.

Has anyone ever ordered contacts from 1-800 contacts? I have the box for my contacts, but somethings wrong w/the last pair I opened they burn my eyes for hours if I put them in. Their not inside out either. I don't want to go pay another exam fee, and lest we forget I can't afford to have health insurance, so it's all out-of-pocket. Just wondered how ordering them online works?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust....

Guess how long my being well rested lasted? Um, like, a day and a half. But I thoroughly enjoyed it while it lasted. Last night we had some big old wind storm blowing in a cold front so, it was almost 50 degrees, and today it's 5. 60 mile an hour winds, knocked over my dog while she was tryin to have a poopie! They shut down my second job at 10 last night so they could back our information up. They've lost our shit in bad weather before. They learned their lesson. So here's me when I read on the board that we're closing at 10:00:

Me: "is that for today? We're closing at 10???"

Coworker: "yes, cus of the weather advisory"

Me: "SWEEEET!!!!"

Coworker: "when do you normally get off?"

Me: "10:15"

Coworker: laughing "15 minutes?"

Me: "Trust me, that 15 minutes counts!"

Seriously. When you are faced with having no time, it's amazing what you can get done with that extra few minutes. I can almost remember going home at 5 and feeling like I had no time. What?!!!! So instead of getting home at 11, I wound up home at 10:30. I was working out by 10:45, and done by 11:45. Out of the bath about 12:15, and in bed BEFORE 1. I even packed my own lunch, and made me and Mom a smoothie. That extra 15 minutes made a world of difference!

So, what's new? Oh, yes. Another one bites the dust at job #1. Coworker turned in her notice, and is moving to KOREA. What? Yea, her last day is the first day the new girl who's replacing the last girl that left starts. (confused?) We're dropping like flies. There are but two of us left, and if she leaves, I'm toast. We're both trying to leave as well. The clincher, was that she turned in her notice at 4:56, via email. This morning, our boss says "(coworkers last name) your email msg? I havn't even been dumped like that" Classic.

Let's see. I started my job in December 2006. When I came on board I replaced a girl who had just quit. Then, another girl left. Then, another girl left. Now, another girl left. In between there were several temps to fill in the gaps.

And the two remaining secretaries..., are also looking to leave. You think they would figure out by now, something is wrong? What they need to do, is hire girls fresh outta high school, this is good money for them, and really, you don't need skills. They fill your head up with fantastical ideas about spreadsheets, and power points, writing formulas, and newsletters, and the reality is, you cut and paste reports that you have no part in producing, and email them. Oh, you get to do a few little reports but they are cake. I don't know why they make you take a test to get the job, and have 15 interviews.

I'm on my way out, and up! I deserve a much better life than the one I am settling for. And, it will be mine, oh yes!

I get to see my guy tonight, which makes it a much better day. I cannot wait until I am not working so much, and we can hang out more. I got the flippy flops thinkin about seeing him. eeek.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Like attracts Like...Duh...

You think I'd learn by now that being positive, brings positive into your life. It's a happy snappy Tuesday. Do you know what being well rested can do for you? Loads! I decided yesterday to stop worrying about everything. I have to focus on the positive. When I was at work I actually said "wow, I feel like a normal functioning human being". I didn't have to take caffine pills. And I didn't fall asleep at work, and made almost 60 bucks for the night! (that's 12.88/hr for a second part time job!) I don't feel the least bit guilty for taking time off the job. I obviously needed it. I was crying every day. Sick and stressed out. Stress makes you gain weight. Who's trying to lose weight? Me! Dammit!

Then you know what happened this morning? I got an email from the girl who just left my full time job (for supposedly 11,000 more a year than we make now) that there is an opening for an Admin at her new employer! *Angels sing* I am so excited, and I hope this pans out. She is really happy there, the benefits are excellent, and it's not much further from where I'm working now. What's better, is that you get vacation right away, and it's not corporate. Smaller companies are where it's at. Send me good thoughts, because this can be my big break! I can quit the second job, and move, and go to school. And...workout 5 days again vs. 3. Sweet! If I just had a better job, everything else would fall into place. Totally!! I'd have so much more time to enjoy my life! And the money to do it without living on bread and water.

I also called an employment office yesterday, to look for a job, because applying to 10 a week has really gotten me nowhere. She said she'd send my resume for a job making $1 more an hour, and an increase in 90 days. In 3 months I'd make more than I do in a year at my current job. See my dilemma?

My Momma got me new tires this weekend, and you know what new tires do? They make your car run better. It's even better on gas! Who knew? Not me. It's pretty weird. It steers better. Let alone, I got up my driveway after it snowed Saturday night, without so much as a slip of the wheels. Pretty. Awesome!

I've got 1 W-2 from my full time job. I am waiting on both the part time jobs. Tick....tock. I need some money. I look forward to a time when I get to file my taxes with only one W-2. How awesome will that be? Damn! One year I had 5! I think I'm about due for my big break. Fo shizzle!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dreams. and The Talk Again...

Yesterday I woke up having had a dream about robot cows. Their bodies were cows, the joints were mechanical. And they walked funny. I told the man about it. And I thought about it all day. One of those dreams that didn't seem to mean anything but seemed so real. I know he was in it and we were in a car together. But thats all I remember really.

My horoscope today says:
One of your recent dreams has included some confusing images -- that's nothing new, except for the fact that today you will see one of those images again in the real world. Look at it as closely as you can. It holds a clue about how you can reach your latest goal much faster than you had anticipated! You have the resolve, energy, and intelligence to figure this symbolism out and achieve what you really want. The right move might be to think big and take a few more risks.

If I see some mechanical cows today, so help me, I might have a heart attack and die on the spot. My heart already hurts! Dammit!

Since I'm slighlty obsessed with dreams and their meaning, I looked up in my book what cows mean:

To see a cow in your dream, signifies your obedience to authority without question. It symbolizes your passive and docile nature. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood. To see a herd of cows, indicates your need to belong.

Goals. I have a lot of goals. When they happen is different. The man and I had another discussion yesterday about us, and the distance. It seems to me like I have to do something or I'm going to lose him, and I don't want to feel that way, nor has he said anything to really make me think that. I told him that I have planned on moving for a while, but the urgency is there now, because I want to make things work with us. He told me not to do it for that reason, which I know is stupid, but I honestly think he is the one for me. I told him that there is too much good with us to not work out. He's really offered no solution to the problem. I guess it's funny that I think about this stuff after we talk. I keep meaning to ask him what he thinks should happen. Maybe he's been trying to dump me with these talks and here I come along and sprinkle it with optimism and he feels bad? I dunno. I really don't get that impression.

Mental. If I'm using my head, it's too soon to move in together. Both of us would have normally done this by now. Why couldn't I have met him a year ago? Then we'd be all holed up together enjoying our happiley ever after? Kidding. Well, only sorta...But really, the distance forces us to take things slower, because we can't just up and move in together w/o making bigger changes in our lives. It's something we've both talked about having changed in ourselves, and here we are being tested. Then, maybe we are suppose to think, we aren't our past. In the past things didn't work out for us moving fast. But, I also can tell I feel much differently about him than other guys.

It's obvious to me what it is, but I don't think he can see it. Neither of us is good with patience and I think maybe it's just a test to teach us patience. Good things come to those who wait. Slow and steady wins the race. Blah blah!

I don't want to think about things not working out with us because that just puts negativity into the world. Who needs that? He told me he has everything he's ever wanted with me, and things he didn't know he wanted. I feel the same way about him. I think what's meant to be will be. I'm still looking to move. Hopefully to a cheaper place even, which would be super nice. Closer to work, save on gas, save on having to pay taxes to a city where I rent an apartment and already pay taxes where I work. Living there costs me more money than it's worth.

Saturday he took me to the movies, in his dads car which was super cute, when he asked me, I told him I had to ask my mom if I could go. She said I was allowed, and we went. We saw First Sunday. It was funny. Mostly I loved 'nuggling up with my guy when we went to bed. Theres nothing more comforting, than being in the arms of the man you love. It gives me goosebumps thinking about it. And, I'm tearing up. Seriously. I've never had (as I heard on Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant this wknd, and if it was on there, it's gospel) "the kind of love that makes you cry". I really havn't, and its confusing to me sometimes cus I'm not sad but I cry when I 'm happy, and think about how much I love him. And its not a crazy I can't live w/o you cry, it's something I think you only know if you know. You know?

I'm off to wait for mechanical cows. Mooo.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Endless Frustration...

I called off work last night. To rest. I didn't get much rest, cus the man's car was broke down and he had it towed and I drove him home. Not that I'm complaining, cus it was nice to see his cute face again. And, well, the cute rest of him too! We're too happy together for things to not work out. I just have to stop trying to make things happen, and let them happen. Work. Home. Bills. Etc...Sleep....? I was asleep by 11:30 which is way early for me!! So, maybe I'll call off again. Screw it!

We got new phones at work. They have 34 lines on them, same as the old. They suck. If a VP's secretary is away we have to listen to it ring forever, without the ability to answer it. This equals severe annoyance. Brrrr blooop brrrr. Thats how they ring. Brrr bloop brrr. Imagine that all fucking day. It reminds me of my Taco Bell days, when I'd have nightmares of the drive thru bell ringing. *shudder*

Then, if I get a call for someone and have to transfer it to voicemail, which is 99% of what I do with phone calls, and the person responds to the person leaving the voicemail, the response comes to me, not the person who left the message. The phone people say "right, your the one transferring the call so the system thinks your the person to respond to."

I get that. But um, fix it. They tried to tell us for 30 minutes what was going on. Um, we know what's happening, the problem is it can't happen. Then it's my fault you didn't get your fucking voicemail? I don't think so!

Then today, I had the telecom guy calling me 80 times on my line.

"Transfer me to #300 and hang up". Don't ask me what #300 is.

So I do it. Transfer. Pound. 300. beeeeeeep. wtf? I hung up.

He calls back "What did you just do?"

ME: "Transfered you to #300 and hung up like you said!"

"What did it do?"

ME: "it beeped"

"What kind of beep"

ME: "beeeeeeeeeeeeeep"

"not the beep beep beep?"

ME: "No, just a steady beeeeeeep"

"Then what did you do?"

ME: "I hung up like you said to do"

"Ok, I'm gonna call back, don't answer it, let it roll, then have another girl transfer me to #300"

So, he calls back on my VP line, and I answer it, cus it's my job, and he didn't say he was calling on a VP line. He says "don't answer it when I call back". It reminded me of the pretty woman scene when he tells her never to answer the phone and she responds "then quit callin me". Seriously.

I hear the same conversation to on between he and my coworker, as if I was lying about the beeeeep and not the beep beep beep. This is how I spent my morning. Listening to electronic, and human beeping. I know you are jealous, but try and contain yourselves. Not everyone can lead my exciting life. Now... he's over here switching buttons around after I made my cute template for all the lines to put on my phone. Ass. Hole.

You know our entire company of around 2,000 employees has been transfered to the new system over the last several months, and we are the only ones with a problem?

I've decided to stop the worry about money and work. The secret teaches, the more you focus on something the more prominent it becomes in your life. I was doing way better when I focused on being rich, vs. how I have no money and I'm always working. I just need to re-focus my thoughts.


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Breaking Down...

It's bound to happen once in a while. A breakdown. It's certainly not the first time I've had a meltdown of sorts. That's for damn sure. Life tends to be too much sometimes. And you have to have some sort of outlet. Mine is freaking out. This morning, I couldn't find my glasses. I am on such a timed schedule, that absolutely every second counts. Can't be late to work. I was late to work. I woke up my Mom this morning bitching because I was late and couldn't find my glasses.

I am in love. Sure. I love that guy with all my heart, and to think about not being with him makes my heart hurt and my eyes well up. Like now. To think about how much more difficult being with him is becoming, hurts. I feel like I am a burdon in his life, because he has so much going on. I have to tell myself that to him he does have a lot going on. I have a really hard time with that, because I have very little personal time not spent working. Fun? Relax? So to me, his life seems like cake. Working 3 days a week? I wish. Everyone is different and I have to be better about understanding that. Compassion. It's a struggle for me sometimes.

Then, there is the distance. Which keeps coming up. I am happy for him buying his own place, but you know he is going to be even further away from me? That really sucks! Then, I can't move closer unless I make more money. I can't make more money where I am. Working so much is killing me, a slow...horrible death. It's like he wants me to be part of his life, but I have no idea how this will happen. I'm stuck. When we had that talk about "us" and how we would continue our relationship with the distance thing, I said I planned on moving.

The way we feel, and act, and talk, you'd think we were inseperable, but we aren't. I wonder if we are just living a fantasy? Why does someone have to be what I've been looking for, only to be nearly impossible to see a future with? Why do I have to feel the way I do about someone that is so inaccessable?

Then there is my Mom telling me that if he wants me to be a part of his life he would want to live with me. Yea. Moms are usually right. But for us to do that even if it were an option now, is to uproot one of our lives. It isn't just in the next town over. I just cried it all out to my coworker. I don't know what to do. I deserve happiness as much as he does. I just don't see that happiness happening anytime soon. I'm so tired of struggling. So tired of being stressed out. So tired of being tired. When does my time ever come? How much more do I have to sacrifice of myself to get what I deserve out of life?

I come first. I need to remember that. And do what is best for me. And right now, what is best for me is staying put at my place. Because I can't afford to move. I can't afford the cost of moving. I can't afford the security deposit. I can't afford more rent. I can't afford taking time off work to do it. The idea has always been to move closer to work. But, work's not going anywhere. So what's the rush? I can't put more stress on myself and try to rush it.

If it's meant to be for us, it will be. I can't force it. I just know that neither of us thinks a relationship should be work. They don't have to be. Ive been there and I know it's not what I want. There is the usual maintenance, but working? No thank you. The relationship is fantastic. It's the finding time to nurture it, and the travel to do so.

Universe. Quit shitting on me. I work so hard. Please, bring some good into my life. I deserve so much more than I am getting, and I am a good person. And I want to be with my guy more than anything.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lay your hands on me...

Wow. What a fantastic morning. I know those two words shouldn't go together, but today they do. I've had an interest in Reiki for a long time. I posted about it like a year or so ago, and my desire for using this with animals in some way. What is Reiki? This gives you a little info. And This is how it is used on animals. One of the guys I went to school with, has been a myspace friend for a while now. He and his wife have all sorts of talks and seminars about zen practices, which interest me as well. His wife is a Reiki master, and is able to attune students.

I must have asked him about 4 times when he's announced classes, how much they cost, and where they are. I got a message from him this morning, that he and his wife felt moved to attune me with level one free of charge. How sweet is that? He said he knows how life changing it can be and they wanted to share it with me. It's certainly interesting how the universe works. Certainly is!

Speaking of the universe. My sister had her third date last night with a new guy who seems to be really nice. You know what payback is? It's when you text your sister on her date, and tell her she has to respond or you'll call the police on her, cus she might have been chopped up. You remember, how she called me on my first date with my BF and said if I didn't answer she'd assume I was in danger, and call the police, because you couldn't possibly trust someone from the internet? Then the whole family kept calling while I was having a nice time making out in the parking lot? Dayum!! She responded with...and I quote..."Bitch! I'm fine. Call you later"

I'd love to know how showing concern is being a bitch, but whatever! It's called karma. That's the bitch!

Know what else I love? That I get to see my sweetiepie tonight! Eeeeeeeeeek! I am soooo in love with him.

Monday, January 21, 2008


I'm still tired. Blah blah. If I could only zap myself thin, I wouldn't have to spend my "free time" at home working out. When on earth is someone going to invent that? I should start the ball rolling with a public declaration of need. I have til April to meet my goal I originally set for myself, so that's 3 months to lose 25 more lbs. Balls to the wall people. Balls. To. The. Wall. I'm not spending another summer uncomfortable in my skin.

I am pretty much sick of looking for a place to move. Have I seriously forgotton how damn near impossible it is to find a place to live that allows pets? Scratch that, one that allows cats annnnnd dogs? I found one place that had a formula: 1 cat $10, 1 dog $25, 1 cat and 1 dog $35, 2 cats $20. I can't find a place that has pets, and a washer/dryer hookup. And If I am lucky enough to find a place with both of those, then it has no garage. Or, it has a garage, laundry hook up, but only one bedroom. Or it has everything I need, but it's a freaking security building. Which means I have to cart the dog down steps. Or, it's perfect, and affordable, but in the ghetto. Or, it has everything I need and its $800 a month. Which is far too much for me. Hello...moving blows!

I'm. Tired. Of. Looking. So. Tired. When I moved this time, which was I think number fifteen for me....I move alot. I said "I'm not moving again until I buy a house. Yet, here I am, trying to move again. And, I still plan on buying a house in a few years. So, I'll be moving. Again. I love it.

I got all the class lists for veterinary technology from two schools. Theres a whole lot to learn. Radiology, pathology, pharmacology, microbiology, all sorts of disease classes, and even psychology. I guess you gotta learn to deal with crazy folks. I know that I can do it all, it will be way hard though. And, theres so many classes, it'll probably take me 5 years going part time to accomplish them all. Then I'll probably forget everything when I have to take my certification test. I'm gonna make appointments in the spring to talk to each school. I'd also like to talk to the techs at my vets office next time I go.

Uh, Brr.....

It's like 12 degrees today. Are you cold? Is it 12 where you live? No? Then shut the hell up. This is ridiculous. Made more so, by the fact that when we got to work, we could see our breath. Uh, inside. They decided not to turn the heat on in honor of MLK day I think. That's how they save money where I work. My fingers are numb. I'm rarely EVER cold. Everyone has their coats on. And seriously? Um, the boiler's out. No heat for several hours. Seriously.

I have PMS. Glorious. Nothing like being pissed off at life for no good reason. Not that I don't have good reason. I'm really, really sick of fucking work. Friday was the worst. I think I made 20 bucks at the second job. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I rely heavily on caffine pills to make it thru the day and I had none Friday. Boy, did that suck! I dozed off all night at work. Then, it blows when your friends can't relate to how tired you are, and harass you to come out. It's nice to be loved, but the guilt sucks.

I work 60 hours. I sleep 20. That's if I'm lucky, I sleep 20. I work three times more than I sleep. I am not for sure how much longer I can do this.

I'm too cold, and too pissed at life to really go on, so send warm thoughts my way. And money too, if you want. =)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Ask and Maybe you will receive..

Friday is here. Yessssss...... Yesterday my sweet boyfriend did more work on my computer while I was at work, and said he left me something on the desktop. When I got home and checked it, it was a bunch of music. And a note. He told me one of the music mixes he listened to when we're apart and it reminded him of me. His note made me tear up. It was about how our situation was temporary, and that good things come to those who wait. It was the cutest thing ever, but also personal to me. Sometimes I still think it's all too much to believe, but then I remember that I deserve to be happy and I'm a good person with a lot to offer. I've just never had the opportunity to offer it. It's been taken, and abused.

I was late to work. And I rushed to get here. My boss said she wanted to talk to me. She said it's never that important to get here that I risk my life by rushing. She said I wont get in trouble, and I can make it up if I want to. Then she said she isn't complaining but wanted to give me some observations. She said she doesn't think I feel the same about my job as I did six months ago, and feels like I'm at the quit or stay stage. I said, I just have a lot of built up animosity about working two jobs, I feel like I shouldn't have to.

She said you're right, you shouldn't have to work so many hours, but I admire you for trying to better your situation. She said she see's me work two jobs every day and still keep up with my work, and with a smile, and I never complain. She understands I'm trying to get ahead, and still have a life and a boyfriend, and deal with my family. She said I know you don't get the sleep you should get, and that also has to be hard. I have my foot in the door at a good company that can help me accomplish my future goals. I told her that I wanted to go to school yesterday.

Then she told me she cares a lot about me on a personal level, as well as professional, and thinks I'm an asset to the company, with a lot to offer. She then said that there are some "things" coming along the lines that will help to improve my quality of life, real soon. I'm taking that as a money thing. Let's hope so. Then, I won't have to quit and start over somewhere else. Then, she thinks that I can have work pay for some of the classes I will have to take for my degree. The ones that have to do with business, I can get reimbursment for. Maybe things are going to work out for me where I am, and that's why no place is beating down my door to hire me.

So, today's a great day. It's always nice to hear that you are appreciated. And even better to hear that you are doing a good job.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Finding Myself....

Here I am. Where I've always been. But I really feel like I'm finding out who I really am meant to be. Funny how life works.

I contacted the school yesterday that teaches the vet tech program. The first step is to make an appointment and talk with admissions. I talked to them yesterday, but they didn't want to divulge much information. And I think another school also teaches it in Cleveland. Who knew? I wont get rich off of it, but I won't feel like a pee-on every day either. I'm pretty sick of pushing paper around all day. It's old. I am also tired of being nice to people I don't really like. This is why I was way better suited for my last job where 95% of my time was spent updating websites.

Anyway....ever since I was 8 years old and I wrote it in my school days book, I wanted to be a vet. When I got older and realized that this is actually a Dr., and you had to do basically the same school as being a people Dr., I got over it real fast. Besides, I was into my office program at school and I really liked it. I've just always felt like my calling was to work with animals. Obviously, anyone who knows me knows this is 100% true. Nothing grosses me out with them. And, from having holes in tails, to eye ulcers, to open wounds, I've had to deal with a lot with my menegerie. I even express the dogs anal glands. Cake.

So, this is my new endeavor. My ultimate goal, is to own my own business. Pet care, and/or pet sitting. I'm also looking into taking Reiki courses, my high school friend's wife is a master. I want to somehow use this with animals. I feel like I finally have a purpose. And, it's an amazing feeling! I hope I can find some financial aid to get the ball rolling. I'll be working a second job as long as I can though. Which sucks. I'm hoping maybe spring/summer I can finally quit. But I need to pay off credit, and save money for moving, which also costs a buttload of money.

One awesome perk of being a vet tech? Hello Kitty scrubs. Yea, I know it's pretty bad-ass.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bring Me My Dinner..Betch..

You know, men have it pretty good. I'm not really complaining because I happen to enjoy caring for a guy in the girlie sense of making him comfortable and cooking his dinner. There was a time though, when I'd say fuck right off when a man asked me for something. That's also due to the fact that they spent their time sucking my life force outta me.

But I have a housewife now. My mom. I had to work the second job Monday, and when I got home, she had taken my tree down, and done my dishes, and put them away. She swept and straightened the living room too. Last night, she'd cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I told her it's nice having a housewife. Now I know how men feel. And men feel pretty damn good. I don't ever want to hear them bitch about life. Damn. All I had to do when I got home, was clean my litterboxes, feed the rabbit, and workout. I actually got to sit down, and enjoy my smoothie. I actually got to watch two half hour programs, and not while I was working out. I watched ANOTHER show then!

My conclusion is, it's not so hard bringing home the bacon and working 60 hours, when you don't also have to keep a household running. That added pressure is the worst part. People don't tend to understand you are never home when they are covered in cat hair from your hairball cats.

Yesterday. I applied for like, 5 jobs. In addition to the 5 or so I applied to last week. I'm pretty sure the offers are just gonna start rolling in....*crickets chirp* any day now!

The best news? I heard on the radio yesterday an ad for a college where I can get an associate veterinary technician degree. It happens to be only 40 min away as opposed to two hours to Ohio State which until yesterday, was the only place to get that degree...so I thought. I am quite excited, because it is my dream/calling to work with animals, and now, it is going to happen!

Tonight I get to see my guy. Which makes my belly flop, and get all excited, and gives me the shivers. Momma said that she is going to leave with my brother for date night so we can have some alone time. Actually she said "what time you figure you're gonna do it, so I know when to come home". I said that we didn't do such things, and she didn't have to leave. Geez. Then, I asked her if she thought she could put her teeth away when my boyfriend comes over. She has her partials out on the bathroom sink. I told her she is a reflection of what I will one day be. You know...."I got it from my Momma"....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The word for today is JOB...

I'm back to work. Not very excited about it. I wish I was back to work at a job that paid more, now..that would make me happy. Because that would mean at 5:00, I get to go home, not to another job. In the snow. While my Momma is at my house. *sigh*

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday I spent the evening with the man, he was busy until about 10 doing stuff for buying a house. So, we ended up staying up until about 5, and then in bed til like, 6 am. Talking. It's pretty cool to be able to talk so much about things. Have I mentioned that I'm nuts about that guy?

Kat's husband finally fixed my computer, so my guy spent the night cleaning up the hard drive, and organizing my stuff for me. He's hella-handy I tell you. Anyway, we talked about how hard it is on us to be apart from each other. He said he felt he had to have this time to live w/o a girl, which I told him I understand and he liked that. I do understand, but I also told him, it's still hard on me cus I want to be with him so bad. How when your out with your friends you just miss each other. I said it sucks cus I like hanging out with him so much and I can't. He said the same. I really deserve some pity here.

Who knows how long he'll live with his friend, but by then I could very well have bought my own house. I would like to own something, and stop wasting my money too. I miss having a house. So..I think it's our test of patience. I hate tests. And patience.

Once I get a better full time job, I can quit the part time job, and free up a lot of my time. The distance wouldn't even be that big an issue as it seems to be now, it's more time than anything. Either the credit gets paid off from working the second gig, or I get a better job. One of em has to work out. We talked a lot about how we wanted to spend more time together, and how much we like each other's company. It's reassuring to know that someone feels the same that you do. If I was the only one, I'd be scared. I told him about how I cry when he leaves. It's heart wrentching. Ugh. I honestly feel like he's it for me, so I know that all of these tough things will pass.

He went with me to get my Momma on Sunday. Which really meant a lot to me, for him to finally meet her. It felt like it was meant to happen. He also met my aunt, cousin, and cousin's husband. We had some laughs on the trip home. He said he hadn't met any parents since his ex wife which was kinda cute! Momma thinks he's cute. Which...duh! He stayed for a few hours when we got back to my house and we had dinner and watched a movie. I was so happy. Even though I had company when he went home I still cried. It's just so hard to say goodbye.

I have a new phone on my desk at work. We got a new phone system. I'm not excited about learning it either. We have so many lines to keep track of, conferencing to do, paging, intercoming, re-learning it all will suck. I think my boss is working on my review, she asked me about some classes I took thru work today. Um, more money would be nice thanks. I'm still looking diligently for a job. And a new place. I might just move to the town my brother is in. It's only 15 min from work.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Like a Good Bra....

I suppose I'm in better spirits today. I guess I'm lifted. Like someone wrapped me in a good bra last night. Maybe it was my expensive sheets? Only, I'm so exhausted, I can't tell the difference between good spirits and being bummed.

As the norm latley I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 3 am. When I started hacking my brains out for no apparent reason. Constant, hacking. This lasted for an hour, when I decided I had to get up and take medicine so I could sleep. The only medicine in the house is night time medicine. I fell asleep after 4am some time, and had to get up at 7 for work, after taking sleepy medicine. I'm sleepy enough without taking medicine. I'm freaking loopy! I could be gone for a week with the bags that are packed under my eyes.

I cried off and on all night. It was one of those things where I don't even know what the fuck was wrong with me. I think stress? I kept just repeating I am love, and I need a new job making more money. This distracted me enough to stop crying for like 20 minute increments. What the hell? My boss was concerned and I felt stupid for crying at work, and what do I say? Um, can you get me a hella raise so I can function, and get some sleep? One thing at a time. I'm tackling the job. Focus.

I would love to catch a quick fiver. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I kept snoozing until 7:25 this morning when is the time I have to leave. You should see how horrid I look today, but don't care. I am really ashamed I'm even in public with my unplucked eyebrows. That's life.

When I got home from work(s) last night, I noticed that the man had taken back the movies we rented, straightened up my table and took glasses in the kitchen, and made my bed and tucked Hello Kitty in. He makes me smile, he is so thoughtful. I'm so busy, that every little thing makes a world of difference. Quite a change from what I'm use to which is pigs making messes for me to clean up, not caring that I'm always working. Universe....please let my mom not be a jerk to me about the fact that my dog has an ear infection and smells. If I have to hear her complain about it 80 times as if I am unaware of it, I might have another breakdown. I make myself feel bad enough about having no time to do things. I don't need any help with that.

Today, take note I am in good spirits about my finances. Let's hope it lasts.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Not Always Roses....

The thing about life is...it's not always roses. I'm having one of those days where everything is annoying me. I'm not so much in a bad mood, but I'm just sort of..."blah".

I have a problem with patience. I want things when I want them. I have all these ideas for my life that I can't grasp until others fall into place. The major barrier is money. Money means I need a new job. I'll never have everything I want if I stay where I am. Well, I can have diamonds, but diamonds aren't everything...right?

I want to go to school, but I need money to do that. I need a job for money, and need school for a job. To have money in the meantime, I have to work two jobs, working two jobs I have no time for school. I want to buy a house but I need money for that, and in order to get a decent loan I have to have some employment under my belt, and moving around after a year of work isn't going to help. I want to further my relationship with the man, which also takes time. In order to have time, I need a better job, so I can quit working 60 hours a week. I'm just frustrated with my situation, and I suppose it happens to us all.

I have to stay in the moment, and live my life for myself and not get caught up in dreams. Dreams are nice to have, but they aren't always realistic. I'm just having one of those days where I am questioning every aspect of my life. It totally sucks. And it's making me crazy annoyed with myself.



After posting this, and wallowing in tears and self pity for a bit, I got my message from the universe that said this in a nutshell:

There comes a point in most of our lives when we feel ready to experience a change we've had trouble carrying out. Maybe we've been stuck in a home, a relationship, job, or a town that hasn't felt right for a long time, but we've been unable to shift our circumstances in the direction we want to go.

At times like this, it can help to declare to the universe that we are ready for a change. If the time is right, the universe will respond with opportunities and offers designed to help you create the change you wish to see. You can begin the process of making your declaration by getting clear within yourself about what exactly you want to change. Set aside a period of time every day to be silent with your wishes for change, repeating your declaration like a mantra. This lets the universe know that you are ready to change and will be receptive to its efforts.

Guess what happened when I read that and started focusing on a new job? I got a call from the financial place I applied to. I went thru a phone screening, and told them how much I need to make, and it sounds like a fantastic company. My spirits are a little better.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Time. Who needs it. Not me. I made over $14/hour again last night at the second job. I'm busting ass. Gotta make as much as I can. I got a call also, from a health care place for an interview I applied with last week. Then I applied today at a financial office too, down the street from work. It pays about $4 more an hour than I make currently. Which equals awesome!

There is also talk on the street, that they are trying to raise our grade levels at work, and get us all raises. We are executive assistants yet almost the lowest grade level in the company. 'Splain that one to me. The girl that is leaving, my dept. has been here 7 years and makes $1.86 more than me. This is the problem with big companies. She also told our big boss, that she isn't the only one looking to leave, and that we are all working two jobs. Which, three out of 6 secretaries are. The only reason the others arent, is because they are married. I can't forsee getting that much more money, so a raise will be nice and all, and will help me until I find another job. Besides, getting a raise at my current job will not be noticeable once I get health insurance.

So, I am being proactive in bettering my financial situation, which will in turn allow me to move. I'm doing what I can, and that's OK by me. What's meant to happen will happen, and until then, I just gotta keep on keepin on!

Last night when I got home from the second gig, I worked out til 12am, mopped the kitchen, did dishes, dusted, cleaned litterboxes, cleaned dog ears/eyes, bathed, and brushed a cat. At 1 am I layed down to watch intervention and woke up at 3:30 and went to bed. I passed. The. Fuck. Out.

Have I mentioned, that I am going to pick my Momma up this weekend? She is staying with my Auntie in P.A. I love her and all but she will complain that my house isn't clean enough, even though it is pretty clean. I am only home for two hours a night, and I am always doing something. She doesn't really understand that. The upside is my house will be clean, because she will do it for me. And, she will get to meet the man, which I can't wait for. What I also can't wait for, is to see him tonight! He sent me the cutest message this morning, and told me he's glad he met me. I'm so totally in love with him, I can't stand it.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Greased Lightning...

I'd like to take this opportunity to pat my own back. Only my hand hurts, so I wont be doing that. Last night at work I hit my highest rate, at $14.70/hr. I made $66.14 for 4 1/2 hours of work. Which isn't too shabby in the data entry world. I keyed at 22,000 kph, and the requirement is 9,000 kph. That means I was almost triple the required speed. They would be fools to let me go. I freaking rock. It is my mission to beat my own records every night, and keep making the most money I can make. It was "open" last night so I was able to do the job I'm fastest on the whole night, which helped. All numbers.

I have to make bank so I can get my damned credit cards eliminated. It is my goal in 2008. Priority #1, cease working two jobs for the love of all that is holey.

I am exhausted today. Because I can't manage to get my ass out of bed to workout in the morning, so I do it at night, after working two jobs, at 11pm. So, at 12, after an hour workout I got a shower, cleaned my rabbit cage, vacummed, cleaned up trash the dog tore into in the laundry room, cleaned her ears and eyes, and folded laundry. I layed my wearey head to rest at 2am, and thought I was getting up at 6 to workout. Which, didn't happen.

It's a vicious cycle, so again, I'll have to do it after work, and not be able to sleep, and thus, the reason I am dragging ass 99% of the time, and have gained 10 lbs over the holidays. Yes. 10. I went from 5 days a week workouts to 3, and that's only an hour vs an hour and a half. Two jobs blows. I can't gain weight. And, if it kills me and I never sleep again, it will be gone...oh yes.

Have I mentioned it's hot? Last week, it's sub-zero, and today its 57? We had tornado warnings last night. Tornados?? In January? Weird!

Anyone watch that new show Cashmere Mafia? Love it! Love!

Monday, January 07, 2008

The Price Is Right...

On Saturday, I went shopping with Kat and Bubba. It was mainly to hit the Victoria's Secret sale, and spend gift cards! We got to the store about 10:30, and all the friggin large underwear were gone. Gone. None. Not one pair. I was so pissed off! I did however get a couple bra's at $15, and we know how expensive they normally are, don't we ladies? So, that was a steal!

We perused the mall, and found some sales at the body shop too. You know, I scanned Macy's where I have a $50 and couldn't find anything to spend free money on? Free....money? I really want a new comforter, a brown and blue one, which is going to be my new colors. But you know that wasn't happening for 50 bucks.

We ducked into Moochie and Co. cus they had dogs in there doing some training thing. I wanted this little black dog with curly cocker spaniel ears and an adorable face. I can't afford any more pets. So, I got a pawbreaker for the cats. If you have cats, you should get them one. It drives them crazy because they can't eat it. Muh ah ah ah. Mom got one for my sisters cats when she visited, only my cats stole it, and it was never to be seen again.

At Kohl's, I made the best purchase. Ever. I got 100% egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count, they were regularly $79.99 (what the fuck???!!!!) on sale for $30, and free with my gift card, so I went for it. Who...would spend $80 on sheets? Seriously? That's like tossing money out the window, right? I also bought a nice jewelry box $30 on sale for $10, A picture frame $18 on sale for $8, and a big hurricane metal candle holder and candle, $30 on sale for $7.50. The best buy? Sheets. Oh. My. God. I can see why people would pay 80 bucks for them! Last night? I slept naked so I could feel the softness of my sheets all over me. This, after rubbing my legs around on my sheets forever and feeling unfulfilled. I never sleep naked. New sheets? *swoon*

Then we went to the shoe store. Reluctantly, cus I'm not into shoes. But, I got some cute vision street wear shoes, $35 for $11!!!! The best part? Kat sat down to try on the same shoes when I did. So, this is the second pair of shoes we both own. Great minds, you know. She also bought new running shoes, and she was actually running in place with them on to "try them out".

The last stop? Yankee Candle. Sale. That's music to my ears. I love nothing more than Yankee. Bogo? Bogo! So, I got two large candles, and then, they had brought back a ton of discontinued scents! Yes! Discontinued! For $10!!!! I got a mocha latte nut. And the best thing ever? There was one Peanut Butter Cookie left. Bubba let me buy it. I told her she's a good friend, and I'd remember that on her birthday. There is nothing quite like the Peanut butter cookie candle, I have no idea why they would discontinue it to begin with.

I also saw my guy on Saturday which was the cherry on top of the sundae that was my spectacular shopping experience! He makes me laugh, we have so much fun together. I'm a lucky girl. And he is a lucky guy!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Floating on a Polar Ice Cap...

So, last night it was twelve degrees when I left work at 10:15pm. That's a one in front of a two, twelve degrees. Holey shikey's that's cold! Next week? Back in the 50's. How can you complain about the weather with global warming? Seriously, it's pretty awesome. It snows a couple of times, it melts. It's cold, it warms up. I don't mind it as much. Remember back when it use to snow like, every day and never melt? What was that like? Grandpa, tell me bout the good old days!

I took some cold medicine when I got home, layed on the couch with my warm down throw blanket, fuzzy socks, and three cats to finish watching super skinny me, and woke up at 7:33 this morning! I'm spose to leave the house at 7:30 for work, mkay? I was so out of it, I put my moisturizer on my toothbrush, which delayed my leaving even further. Know how sick and tired I am of being tired? And sick for that matter? Very.

I spent my time yesterday perusing the job market. The only fix for this working two jobs is a new job. I have to make more money. The only money I have left after bills on one job, now goes for gas. Forget food and pets. I have to seriously consider a roomate. A.k.a ....my brother. If he had a car, it may not be so bad? Maybe? I'm just sick of struggling. The man is going to be living with his friend, so it isn't like I'd be ruining our chances of cohabitating bliss.

And forget about moving, that will never happen while I'm working the job I have. I can't pay a penny more in rent. And this means I'll wind up living in the ghetto, and what girl wants to live in the ghetto? I moved out of the ghetto cus I was afraid. Sometimes it seems hopeless. Sigh. And then I move on to the present. Where I am making it on my own, as I have been for three years, and I love my life. I have to stop trying to change the world, and be in the present. I'm really not doing so bad.

I dreamt last night that I was a hunchback. And I was in dumb math class. Which, I was in school, I took general, basic, and business math. No pre intro to anything. It was a pretty shitty dream cus my hunchback was square and it hurt. Being sick gives you stupid freaking dreams.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I have No Creative Title...

It's really fargin cold. I am not for sure fargin is a word, but if it was a word, it would be worse than fucking, otherwise, I'd just say it's really fucking cold. Last night went super fast at the second job. I was thinking about how it had been two days since I had any alone time with my guy, and the thought of it made me type way fast. I made $12.10 an hour in the two hours I was there. Not shabby for a part time gig. The man texted me halfway home, that the power was out in my area.

This would be the second time it's been fargin cold, and the power went out. I think the power wires into town are from the 1800's or something, and they can't withstand the freezing cold. I'm not sure, I'm only a girl, what do I know about power? I do know, the whole town was down on the right side. Know what else I know? My headlights aren't working again. They work. They don't work. It's not a fuse, the man checked them. Something is loose. So, I gotta drive around with my brights on and piss people off. I love it.

So, seeing how it was like, negative 80, and I had no heat, since someone has electric heat, and had no electric, we were forced to generate our own heat. Wink, wink. No complaints though. My guy is quite warm and snuggly, and adorable. Then we cuddled and snuggled and were absolutley sickening, and I was totally giddy for a while, and then...the man fell asleep. He'd wake up and tell me "I'm just chillin" but he was full-on snoring, sawing logs.

The power was out for about 3 hours, and it was freezing. I took a hot shower when it came on, and watched the boob tube. While the man slept. You know it might have just been adorable and not phased me if I didn't have to wait at least three days to see him again. *sigh* I feel robbed. So I did what any girl would do, I cuddled up next to him, and fell asleep with him on the couch. If you can't beat em, join em! I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm so in love!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

A Brand New Year!...

My New Year's started out with no headlights, and Todd fixing them. I have no headlights again. I'm not sure what the problem is, but they keep going in and out which is awesome. I got to the mans house around 8:00. Of course, I got no rest, but I'm a spry 32 year old, who needs rest? His friends were giving me shit because I didn't bring anyone. My friends were all doing lame things. Sorry. But, you were. I started out the night with a shot of Hypnotic with the boys. Then, it was a whirlwhind of beer. Lots of beer. A ton of people ended up coming, so it didn't matter that no one I knew came. They got over it.

Beer pong with Danielle almost winning, sorta. Beer pong with Kelly and almost flashing some boys to get out of having to drink all our cups, and all their cups. We were drunk, and that was a lotta beer. But the man's brother saved us from shaming ourselves, and drank them. He rocks. I remember flirting with my guy all night, which is lots of fun. All us girls wanted to hear was some freaking Journey. We broke out into "don't stop believin" a few times. Next party, I'm bringing the Journey. Then, hearing forever, how we're doing "thunderstruck" you know, that AC/DC song? I never heard of this before, but you drink at "thunderstruck" and stop when the next "thunderstruck" chimes in. I amazed myself at my chugging ability cus I had sorta a long run.

I went outside with the man to have some alone time, and kiss, and talk about how we should go somewhere warm together, then it started to freezing rain and it didn't phase us=romantic. (or drunk, but I choose romantic!) I remember gabbing by the fire with Danielle. Pizza. Beer. Freezing in the garage. Chasing pong balls. Drinking more beer. Dick Clark is back? The countdown! A kiss at midnight. Champagne. Snuggling downstairs for a few stolen minutes of quiet alone time. Being in love. I'm so freaking happy with him. It's 6am? A comfy bed all to myself!

The next morning the man got me some headache stuff, its alka seltzer morning relief, and I have to say that shit was awesome! Then, I undressed him with my eyes while he made mac and cheese for us. I sure do love that one!

I had an amazingly fun time, with a guy I have a blast with, and his friends that are also a load of fun! It's the coolest feeling to be able to kickit with my guy, just another thing that I love about him. I'm still not sure how one person can make me so happy and frustrated all at the same time. But in a good way! I hope everyone had an amazing New Year's also! It's 2008! A brand new year full of brand new possibilities!

P.S. I didn't even have a hangover.