"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, December 31, 2007

HAPPY 2008.....

Happy New year to everyone! I hope it's a wonderful new year full of new possibilities for all of you! I am not making resolutions anymore cus I'm old enough to know they don't last.

The only thing I promise myself for the new year and beyond, is to not sell myself short, and always keep my happiness in mind. 2007 was a really crummy year in the way of my personal life. But it ended on a fantastical note. And, I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Anyone making resolutions? I gained 8 lbs in 3 wks so if I were making resolutions I'd resolve to lose that 8lbs. But, I will anyway when I get back on track from feeling sick, and eating crap.

I'm going to the mans tonight for a par-tay. Hardly anyone I know is even doing anything this year. I feel a lot better, but I'm still exhausted. I was pretty shitty on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Took lots of meds. Felt high, loved it. We saw I am Legend this weekend. That was a really good movie! Sad too.


Friday, December 28, 2007

I Heart The Po Po's....

I'm on my happy (but sick) way home from the second job last night, on the phone leaving my brother a voicemail when out of nowhere, I see the flashing lights of a police officer, who passes the person behind me to pull me over with his spotlight blaring in my rear-view. I say into the phone "I'm getting fucking pulled over" and hang up. The person in front of me stops too. I'm thinking, wtf did I do wrong? I was going 50 in a 55 on a country road. He asks me if I know the people in front of me, I say no, so he goes to tell them to leave. Apparently, I'm the one he wants.

He was nice, and asked where I was headed from. I said "work, I work two jobs" he said "oh, that's rough" "yea, and I'm really sick" I say. He's looking at my liscense and says "the reason I pulled you over is because you have a headlight out, did you know that?" I reply with a "yes, I work 8-10 every day so I havn't had time to get it fixed, but I will this weekend". He asked if I still lived where my liscense says I do, and I said no, I live right over on such and such, which is the next street over. He let me go with a "get that checked out as soon as you can". "Thank you officer". Puke.

They should rename my town 'Mayberry'. You know..the only time I'm harassed by the police, is in my own town? Always on my own street, or in this case, the next street over? Seriously, what the hell! That's the third time I've been pulled over there. Know how many times I've been pulled over anywhere else? Once, for driving w/o my headlights on at like, 6:00. And I've been driving for how long? Another sign to move? The police have it in for me?

Someone was looking out for me last night, because firstly before that even, when I left the second job, I almost hit a deer. I've never gotten THAT close to hitting one. I didnt see it until it was in front of me, and you know all about that deer in headlights thing. They freaking stop and stare at you. "oh noooooes, a carrrrrr is coming". I literally came inches from hitting it, and everything in my car came crashing forward from its hiding spots as I squealed to a stop. (my cars kinda messy). It looked at me like "that's what I thought bitch!" And mosied off the road like it owned the damn thing. Deer are really freaking cute, but they're totally arrogant!

I'm downing Zicam rapid melts like their candy. Only, they don't exactly taste like candy. They taste like rotten chalk. Don't ask me how I know what that's like, other than I just assume. I'm friggin sick, and the new year is approaching! I need to knock this shit outta me so I can ring it in proper like. Tonight, I'm going home, and going to bed. Does my life excite you, or what?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Come Tumb-e-lin Down....

I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking right now. I have PMS. I'm getting a nasty cold. I barely got any sleep, and I really exerted myself physically yesterday...ifyaknowwhatImean. The man and I had the "where is our relationship going" talk last night. And at the time, I felt good about it. I guess I still feel good about it, but if I think about the future then I get upset. That is how I've been with our relationship for a while now. It's overwhelming to think about everything that will have to change for us to be together long term. And, I can't handle that sort of change all at once.

I thought he was dumping me. I really did. I mean, we had a good talk. He said he wants to see me more, and have me be more a part of his life, which is also what I want. But he said that there is no spontanaiety to our relationship, and it's so structured, and we can't deepen it by only seeing each other a few times a week. He started out by saying that the problem is circumstantial, and in no way a reflection of me or our relationship. I knew the distance thing would wind up being a problem eventually. And, I know where he's coming from. It sucks that we can't just hang out on a "school night" because there's a two hour drive (round trip) involved in seeing each other.

We don't get to hang out with each others friends, or stop by for the heck of it. There is a lot we don't get to do. But I also think that the time we do spend together is amazing. We talked about what could be done to make things better. I work a lot. I wont work a lot forever, that's not my intention. He will be going to school and working more, and we'll have even less time for each other than we do now. That thought scares me. I hate being apart from him as it is, for a few days!

A part of me feels like if he wants to be with me, then we should live together. But then thats also the part of me that makes stupid decisions, and wants to do things right this time. That's what the old me would do. Rush into things. But I also think sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and you can't tell it what it wants, so until it gets it, it'll ache. I think thems the ropes. It's got a mind of its own. I also understand, the need to live on your own without a girlfriend/boyfriend. Everyone should experience that, and I can respect his want/need for that as well. Which is what he wants to do before living with a girl again.

All in all it was a good talk, and positive things came out of it. But the long and short of it is we both want to spend more time together. The only solution I could offer is I move closer to work, and I've been tossing the idea around for a long time now. It's half the distance to his house. It's not something that can even happen any time soon, because I can't afford to live near work. It's way more expensive, and I have to pay down my debt first, and get some money saved up. So then I worry that I am going to lose what we have in the mean time. Which is silly, because I really believe we are meant for each other, and nothing can change that. Not even circumstances.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Is It Over Yet?

Can the week be over? I mean, I don't remember the last time I got such a screw with work. Oh wait, I worked here last year, so, last year I also got screwed into working. I get vacation starting in January. This is the only place I've worked where the insurance costs so much you can't afford it, and you don't get vacation until you work a year. And, I have to clock in and out. How fucking retarded is that?

As you can clearly see, I'm in great spirits this fine morning. I am coming down with something, my ear's clogged, and my sinuses hurt. Obviously I'm getting sick. Nothing sucks balls more than being sick and working two jobs. I guess what would suck more is being sick and not working at all and living outside in a box. There you go, way to be grateful for what you have! Yay me!

Did everyone have a merry christmas? I picked up my brother, and made dinner on Monday. We ate around midnight. Seriously. I made turkey, and mashed potatos, apple dump cake, mac and cheese, and he brought rigatoni. It was pretty delicious if I do say so myself. We opened gifts with Momma and Sis on side by side phones. Me and my brother watched movies all night. I miss having family around for Christmas. It's just not the same at all.

So then I went to the man's house for Christmas Day, which was not exactly like being with my family of course, nothing will ever be the same. But, I was with him, and that's what's important.
We went to the neighbors for a while, and ate dinner, and watched Harry Potter. We just watched Harry Potter last week. So I left before the end of the movie, which was at 10pm. I was late to work this morning. But, I just don't seem to care.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Ho Ho!..

Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. I'm over everyones political correctness. Last night I read an old journal from when I met CP. This is where keeping a journal comes in pretty handy. God, from the first week we met, he was asking me for money, in a "kidding" manner. I questioned it and wondered what his intentions were. I actually called it red flag #1, and there were several more to follow. He also had mood swings from the drugs. And I began within the first 4 months to peice together how his drug use affected our sex life (or lack thereof). And..he peed the bed. He guilted me into letting him live with me when I wasn't ready. "Forgot" he was married.

Then, there was the porn. Not the occasional I'm checkin out the babes online, the hours upon hours of porn. The sick things I found like young girls. Which he denied was his, like, someone broke in and looked up porn on his computer. And the most important part, was all this time looking at it, and not doing it with a very willing partner, is also a freaking problem. I can vouch for the fact that it can do wonders on your self esteem. Like he was some prize, you know? I'm pretty happy for the way things turned out. Funny looking back at it all. I mean...do you ever look back and wonder, what the fuck you were doing with your life?

I also see everything I wanted, I've found. I'm where I'm suppose to be. I stop myself all the time from thinking about next week, or next month, because it's too overwhelming and I get too scared. Patience. I' m trying.

Merry Christmas, hope santa brings you everything you want! I'm opening prezzies tonight with my brother, cooking a turkey at midnight. And tomorrow I'm gonna visit with the man and his fam!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Makin a List, Checkin it Twice...

Wanna hear something pretty damn cute? The man usually stays on Wednesday's and he's off Thursday, and he straightens up a little before he leaves, cus he's so thoughtful! Yesterday, he texted me that he didn't make my bed before he left, because Tai (one of my cats) looked so comfortable he didn't have the heart to ask her to move. I mean...really, nothing melts my heart more than that. I guess it's like some women seeing a guy with their kids. Only, cats are better than kids, so this trumps it. Totally. He also thinks its cute that my cats pile on my pillow to go to sleep. I mean, I'm keeping him. We're gonna be 80 and in love. I just know it!

I'm really cleaning up at work with the gifts. Everyone's still laughing about my stupid clock. Which, I've decided to post a picture of so you can see it's gayness. It's only like, 5" long. It sorta looks big in the pic. I mean, these people make a buttload of money, you have no idea. One girl got a big ass Dooney & Burke bag she wanted. One got a diamond necklace. One got $250 cash, cha ching. I got this clock.

Today I got a $20 to Wal mart, $25 to applebees, $25 to Max & Ermas, $50 to Macy's (from my favorite VP), and a tower of Harry and David treats, a big tote all from VP's. And, only one District Manager got me something, the newest one got me a pkg of hot chocolate, a mini whisk, and a Yankee Candle ornament you put scented oil on. I love Yankee Candle. I also got a buttload of food and chocolate. Today I ate three cookies. They were big fat chocolate chip too. I feel like such a lard. I'm over the whole weight loss thing til after Christmas. I'll only depress myself. So long as I fit in my clothes, I'll be happy!

Speaking of gifts I'm so unsure of what I got for the man. Everyone likes what I got, but it's hard to buy for someone the first Christmas! I really think he'll like his gifts though. But the nerves get me. Ack!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Another Day Another Dollar...

I was way busy yesterday. I had training for the 50th time on power point at work. As if one needs that much training on something we're not permitted to use at work. In my job, we use it for newsletters. Copy/paste info into it as pictures. Not real power points. So, what I'm sayin' is.. I texted dirty messages back and forth with the man, about how much fun it'd be if he were in class with me. In the back row. Wink, wink. It passed the time, and made me giggle!

We had a department lunch at Friday's. I rode with the girl in my department who likes to bitch about everyones imperfections, and spread general negativity. I called her on it, because she complains about another girl doing just that, and she is doing it all along. I've decided that I'm letting these bastards at work get to me. Ever since I've stopped with my positive thinking, shits gone down hill. I havn't lost weight. I have had no money. I hate work. I need to stop that shit and get back on track! Hello, it's freaking Christmas! Where's your spirit already?

The good thing about the lunch, is that it was two hours. By the time we got back to work, and I picked up reports, it was 3. And a mere two hours at the second job..Then, I got to see my guy!

Aaaack! That man drives me nuts. Nuts people. And I don't mean he makes me crazy and I want to kill him, but I mean he drives me nuts in that .....how can you like someone so freaking much way! Seriously! Like, you know how you get so super excited about doing something, or going somewhere, and all that builds up inside as a feeling like you're going to burst? Like butterflies and flashes of excitement and emotions? Yea, I get that all the time sitting next to him, like an explosion. It's pretty crazy. And..gawwwwd how I miss him today. It's like, totally freaking awesome, and so cruel all wrapped up in the same package. If I weren't me, I'd hate me too for being so freaking happy!

So, CP called me yesterday. He'd called a couple times and left msgs. but I never answered or returned the calls. He said he wanted to see if I was alive. Said he lives seconds from my second job. Wanted to come "get his stuff". I said I'm not going to be around this weekend, and asked what it was he wanted. He said his bike. I said well, I dunno if I want you to have it. Really, with all he owes me, how bad is it that I want to keep a freaking bike? Not bad at all. Then he got pissed and hung up. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa Clause is Comin...

So the snow's mostly melted from the storm we had. But you can't tell that to my dog, who gives me the "fuck you" look when I put her outside. She won't even go off the back porch, she has taken to pissing right there on the stoop. She has short dog syndrome or something.

I need new tires. But I've decided I can't afford them. I am going to save money hopefully have them by the end of January. I can't in my right mind charge another thing on my credit cards, when I've been working two jobs for years to pay the fucking things off. It defeats the purpose! And I would like the year 2008 to be the year I cease working my life away! It's good to have goals!

I got prezzies last night! Momma and sissy sent gifts. I'm pretty sure one of them broke. From frosty santa. It sounds like lots of broken glass. Unless my gift is broken glass, I dunno. There are also a lot of them unwrapped in spots, but I didn't peek. I've got restraint like that!

This is the second year that I havn't gotten gifts for people. It's kinda depressing. Not decorating is depressing. I havn't even made a cookie. Not one. I havn't rolled a buckeye. Bought a potato, or even thought about what I'll make for me and my brother for dinner. I don't like being responsible for him, because the man invited me for Christmas, which I'd love to be around a family for the holiday. Instead, I get to be around my ungrateful brother.

I got a few gifts so far at work. From one VP I got a card for the grill at work for $10, same from another and a big diamond ring keychain (how appropriate), one of my VP's got me a big basket of food and cheeses. One of my other VP's got me a stupid wooden clock. Trust me when I say it's stupid. I mean, why bother? I know it sounds ungrateful, but I don't care. It's a truck stop clock, and I am totally giving it away at the next white elephant I go to. This guy hates me. He's super critical, though he's nice. I just know he hates me. I might be more offended, if he didn't get my manager the same stupid clock. Everyone knows, the best part of this job, is gifts. I'm still holding out for some gifts from District managers. A girl can dream. So much for diamonds. *sigh*

I thought that after three days with the man, maybe it would be easier to be away from him, but no one ever said I thought right. Boy...I miss him. I wanna gobble him up! It hurts my heart to be away!

Reminder...I have enough money. I need to shut the fuck up and stop bitching about it, my negativity is bringing me down.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Snowcap Recap...

So, I survived my birthday weekend. Survived, meaning, we had a horrific snowstorm, and we were in the middle of Amish Country, where they have hills and valleys, and horses to get you where you need to go. Wasn't the easiest thing to do, drive home in the snowstorm. What am I saying? I didn't drive, manfriend drove us. He said my tires suck, and we had a hard time getting up some hills. Worse yet, when we got back to my house on Sunday...it took 5 people and about an hour to get up my driveway.
You know what though? I'll take a handful of these shitty ass storms over sweltering heat any day. I really don't mind them much at all.

The cabin was super nice! Everything was clean, and well taken care of! We had some beers Friday night and watched a movie all snug as bugs by the fireplace! There was a cute cat outside that kept us company for smoke breaks. Cats=just like home!
We got up far too early Saturday, but it was a good thing cus we were able to hit the flea market, and the winery and make it back to the cabin by about 7. The man is quite a skilled driver, I must say. I wasn't nervous at all, and trust me, it was freaking BAD out there. We wished we had a horse and buggy like the amish, they were trucking on past us!
The snow does make for some fun, like snowball fights. And I made a little snowman on the porch at the cabin. He melted the next day though.

Manfriend got me some delicious wine, strawberry and red raspberry. Which is like, if you could drink jelly, and it got you drunk, that's how yummy and sweet it was. Deee-lissssh! We made breakfast for dinner, it was a treat, that he cooked in the nude....I quite enjoyed it, like my own little Bday suprise!

Saturday night I lit 25 tea lights in the bathroom around the jacuzzi and we hopped in and had some wine and relaxed. Not long after that, the man passed out on the couch. It was a stressful drive, and we ate a lot, and drank.
Yesterday it snowed some more, and we went shopping. The man stayed with me since the storm headed to his house, and it was bad. I got to spend THREE nights with him. *squeal* I liked it an awful lot!
I loved getting away for a couple nights. I wish I had longer to go, but theres always another time, right?

Here's the fireplace


View from our porch. This was Saturday morn before it snowed

The bed we slept in. Didn't get one of it made up.

I'm so romantic

Winery. And snow. This wine is delicious!

Friday, December 14, 2007

My Burf-dayyyyy...

It's my birthday. I don't feel any older! I got a gift card to Starbucks from my coworker, which is friggin awesome!

I'm outtie in an hour to get my stuff together for my getaway with the man! Here are some pics so you can all be jealous of me. I'm all about making folks jealous! Byeeeee!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Nothin' But Mammals....

I was out on break this morning. Talking to two girls. And being happy with the person I am. I listened to them complain about sex with their husband/fiance. Say what? I'm glad this isn't me. You wonder why there is so much infidelity in the world. How about trying to enjoy sex? I mean, what's so friggin bad about it? If it's so bad you have to complain about it, maybe you're with the wrong person. It's meant to be a mutually gratifying experience.

I could never in a bazillion years (thats a long time) say I didn't wanna have sex with the man. I mean, it frustrates me that someone can make me feel the way he does. He's got that kinda control. It's that good. I just wanna scratch out his eyes. And, I mean that in a loving way.

Back to my break..one girl was complaining because since having her baby in May she hasn't been able to do the deed. She hadn't done said deed for several months prior, due to being hella pregnant and uncomfortable. So, almost a year. With. No. Sex. And, it's too painful after having a baby. I piped in, that this is one of 10 billion reasons I have no desire to have children. They ruin your va-jay-jay. Wanna know what she said? It's not the baby that did it. I think it's the misery loves company club, because people with kids say "it's no different at all" but let's be honest here. When I buy pantyhose, I have to struggle to get the fucking things on my legs. Inch by inch. Pulling, stretching. Once I take them off? They are stretched out and the next time I put them on it's way easier. You can't tell me that pushing out a baby doesn't stretch your insides out. I'm not that stupid. If it didn't happen, there wouldn't be vaginal rejuvination surgery.

On a happier note. I had a fantastical evening with my sweetpea. I just love spending time with him. We went to the store to get some stuff for the weekend, food and snacks. Fuel for in between our sexcapades. Did I just say that out loud? I am so totally excited, getting away with him is going to be the best time. He did screw my tree back in the wall for me. All manly and stuff. Yep. Boys are good at screwing stuff. That man does it for me alright. And as long as I keep doing it for him, we'll be perfectly happy!

I keep forgetting to mention my dream about the man. I dreamt I was in the hospital, and there was a serial killer on the loose, hacking up patients left and right. I remember thinking I was trapped and I couldn't leave and I was going to be murdered, and in on a white horse (well ok, there wasn't a horse) came the man, and he picked me up and carried me away. He totally rescued me from being murdered. How adorable is that? He's my heeeero.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Random Dream...1..

I use to dream a lot. I havn't much lately. I blame drugs. Sleeping pills. I've been taking them again so I don't wake up terrified.

Well, I had extremely disturbing dreams last night. I was in on killing someone!!!! I kept waking up and dreaming it again!!!! It all started with me being pissed at a citgo worker, who pushed me and didnt apologize, I went off on her and wanted to speak to the manager, and she was so freaking rude to me. The confrontation escalated and escalated....

Then I was at a friends house, and we "accidentally" killed this guy and hid the body by sitting in front of it. He was on the couch, dudes dad came home so we thought covering his head would disguise the fact that we had "accidentally" shot him in the head

Then I just ran and ran and thought I got away with it. Then later I got in my car and all I remember was a boom and not feeling anything....

I was dead, only I wasn't. I was injected with something to make me look dead Then, my car exploded. And I was running from someone. I dunno who. My friend Stephanie (that I havn't seen for like 8 years) drove me away fast, and rolled the car, so I was in an accident, on top of being shot, and playing dead. I remember feeling it flipping.

Cat Wrangling...

I woke up this morning, to a demolished Christmas tree. Fucking cats. What's worse, is the cats successfully knocked over the tree, and made it back into bed before I got up, to snuggle ever-so-innocently on my pillows, fooling me into givin them lovins in the morning. Cat's are hella sneaky that way! The whole thing was wrecked. The top fell off. Half the ornaments. The ribbon all mussed, and hanging. I mean, let's face it.. it's just not Christmas unless the cats can get the tree to fall over. I even wired the bastard to the wall with a big ass screw! I'm gonna see if the man can find a better way to secure it. Men are good at that sorta thing. Plus, I can maybe watch him flex his muscles and stuff, and that's freaking hot!

The cats, also climbed up onto a tupperware bin, and peed on my mail. Seriously. The bin is in the laundry room by the litterboxes. That's kinda how I feel about the bills too, but what the fuck did I do to piss them off? I worked out two nights in a row, giving me even less time to love and adore them. That's my only guess. I clean their damned litter every day! I can see them all plotting my demise while I sleep. "She's fucking neglecting us! We could starve or something! What if she forgets the food? What will happen if we aren't properly petted for hours? I havn't heard how adorable I am for several hours. We'll show that bitch! Meow..Purr..lick.."

I survived another night at the second job. I've been busting ass to make as much as I can. No more slacking folks! I also got Friday off. I might have had to make something up about an outpatient procedure. I don't wanna get canned over having a getaway with my man. Although..I suppose there's worse things I could get canned over.

Ummm, has anyone else kept taking the pill to skip a period? Cus, I did it before on the old pills, and no problem. With the pill from hell (Desogen) I still have sore boobs and crampage. What...the fuck? Can this pill suck anymore? Should I shut up before something else happens?

Tonight I get to see my super cute man. And we're gonna go get supplies for the weekend. So we'll have more time for fun this wknd. If you catch my drift. Ahem. Eeeek!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Checkin' Yer Reality..

Happy anniversary to me. I've been at my job for one year today. One year. All I get is a crappy certificate that says my name and one year on it. It's all not exciting at all. You know what would be exciting? A raise. But, I havn't even gotten so much as a meeting request to even hint at the fact that I might be having a review any time soon. I have PMS. I'm a downer. Even though, I started my new pill pack before having a period, so I don't have one. It's due right smack dab in the middle of my freaking birthday weekend. And..no one is stifeling my sexcapades with the man. Not even mother nature.

Last night at the second job, one of the girls comes in and says "I see you're still here". I said "why wouldn't I be?" I thought she thought I quit or something since I missed Thursday and Friday last week. She told me they laid a bunch of part timers off on Friday. I said maybe I just hadn't gotten my walking papers yet? They told me when I hired back in that it would be temporary 3-6 months. It's only been two. I need that extra month. At least! I havn't done one thing but try to get caught up with my money. Nothing. So I sat and waited all night and never got "the letter". I do know that some of the people that are gone, worked less hours than me...or less days. Your suppose to work 20 hours, in 5 days. We'll see.

So, I turned my heat down last night, and lurked in the darkness again. I have to save money. It's pretty sad. I'm trying not to let it get me down. Looking for yet another part time job, doesn't thrill me. The thought of getting a roomate? Thrills me less. Even more when I consider my brother. *cringe* The only bad thing about that, is that I'd be stuck with him until one of us died. And, as mean as that may sound, it's totally true

On the way home from the second job I thought for sure I was going to win the lottery so I bought $5 in scratch off's. I won $1. *Sigh*. When I get down I workout. Even though my house is a wreck, and I still feel a little like ass.. I opted to work out last night. I only did 35 min/2 miles. I did a deep incline, and jogged the whole time. When I was done I felt like I was gonna barf. Not such a great idea I guess. But I felt better.

I have been at the 50lb mark (give or take 3-4lbs each week I gain it, and lose it) for about a month now! It's depressing, but at least I havn't gained, seeing how I sit on my ass for 14 hours a day, I'd say that's a pretty good accomplishment. I just have to trust that everything will work out with a job. If I get let go from the second job, then I do. I can afford to live on one job. It'll just be super tight, and my credit cards will not be paid off. If I just had those gone, I would have over $100 in my pocket each month. I'm holding on til February, when I get three paychecks from the first job. I will be able to get ahead. And then...I have to pray I don't owe taxes again this year, and maybe I can have some savings. I really believe my time will come. I've been struggling financially for over three years. Trying to pay my bills off, so I can buy a house and live comfortably. Dreams? I got 'em!

I guess the threat of losing the second job so soon, has put things into perspective. Stop trying to figure everything out right now. I'm not moving. And maybe that's a good thing. I will just stay put, and let life figure itself out. I'm kinda sick of doing it anyway.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Im surviving...

Today is my Momma's bday. Her best gift ever, is that 4 days after her birthday, she had a bouncing baby girl, named ME! What an awesome belated gift I am. Right?

I was a bit out of it for a few days. I felt sick on Thursday, thought maybe I had strep throat, and wasn't going to go to the Dr. until the girls at work told me I could get scarlet fever and die. Well I went, and it turns out I have tonsilitis. Who the hell gets that? The Dr. looked at my throat and said "OMG you have tonsilitis have you seen your throat?" I said yea. It was pretty nasty. He said "do you work with kids?" I said "I work with the mentally handicapped" and he said "they probably don't wash their hands" I said "probably not". I mean, if you pick and eat your ear wax, chances are you don't wash your hands after picking your nose.

My neck was visibly swollen. The entire tonsil was packed with white and gray puss. The right one was swollen so bad I could hardly swallow pills. WTF? Mmmmm. It Felt like I was chewing on glass. Friday I called off work(s). I slept all day and popped about 16 Ibuprofin. Plus my amoxocillin. Today I feel a lot better, but I'm freaking tired, and my throat hurts. Bleh. So much for watching what I eat this past week. I had a 32 oz milkshake, tons of popsicles, and ice cream. And I did nothing but lay around on the couch and sweat.

I still kicked it on Saturday. Not as much as I'd have liked to, but I still had a killer time. I went out for my birthday to the bar. Kat got me a cake! And, hello kitty plates and napkins! I also got hello kitty string lights, and towels from her and Amster...and..wine. Bubba got me some yummy candles. I loves presents! Of course...I got to spend the evening with my man as well. I also had a visit from an olllld friend I hadn't seen in so long! Good times!

Yesterday me and the man watched Harry Potter, and cuddled on the couch and then went to his house for dinner, and to trim the tree. I had a good time as usual. We had lots of laughs. Which hurt my throat, but who can complain? It still sucks to leave him, and I hate it. But, maybe one day I'll get use to it. He said if we stop missing each other, it's time for us to move on. I dunno, I kinda think it's cruel to miss someone this much.

P.S. Lost comes out tomorrow on DVD. Can a Tuesday be any more exciting?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

They Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage...

All day yesterday? I thought about having sex with the man. It's his fault. When I got home, he was there already, we kissed, and the rest is history. I mean, seriously folks, this is what coming home is suppose to be like. First of all, I couldn't wait to see him. Second of all? We have amazing sex. I can remember a time when I dreaded going home, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. What I also don't want to feel again? Like I don't want to have sex. I quite enjoy it. CP and me had a pretty crappy sex life. If you can even call it that. Now that I know how it can be, I'm forever spoiled.

As usual we had a pretty good conversation. Marriage. Kids. He said that he's dated girls that say that's what they want right off the bat, and he would ask them why they wanted that and they had no response. I can relate to this, people want it because you're "suppose to" want it. It's exactly the reason I got married. It was the next "logical" step. We were together for five years, so depsite the fact that our relationship pretty much sucked, we decided it was a good idea to get married. Cus that is what was expected. Same reason people think I'm nuts when I say I don't want kids. "But...but, you're suppose to".

I can say that I know I want to be married, but it's not that if it doesn't happen I will be devastated. I guess I should say, I want the kind of love that will bring marriage without a second thought, it shouldn't be a question in my eyes. And kids? I doubt I ever decide I want them. But I also know that I've never loved anyone enough to want to have their children. The idea scares the crap out of me. Everything from the pregnancy, childbirth, to 18 years (plus) of being responsible for another life.

But I have looked at the man, and thought....I could have his babies. Don't freak out. I'm not stupid. Nor have I completely lost my mind. I've just never thought that. The ex husband wanted to make me want to have his babies, but luckily I didn't fall for it. To me, it's only a sign of how much I love him. I still don't think the kids thing is going to change. And, I sure as hell didn't tell the man that I had those thoughts. Boys have a way of hearing what they want. And I think he may get the wrong idea. Or stop having sex with me. Both, could be horrific!

So, in the long run, I told the man that I think he hasn't been divorced long enough yet. I'm pretty sure I had the same feelings about marriage for a while. You have a bad experience, and that's what you remember. Like bad service at a restaurant. The food could be great. And, that waitress could be long gone, but you still remember that one time you went there, and the service really sucked. When people ask you to go there it's the first thought on your mind "oh, I had really shitty service there, no thanks". But in time, you go back, and have a positive experience. I think if it's meant to happen for us it will. When the time is right. What I do know, is that I am madly in love with him, and that's enough for me.

One of the billion things that relationships have taught me, is that you have a right to be picky. I dated several people who were not good to me at all. And instead of standing up for what I wanted for myself, I somehow rationalized it into being OK, simply because I was afraid to be alone. On the flip side of that..there is always another guy. Sometimes you think there will never be anyone else. But they always come along. And as long as you learn from your mistakes, they are progressively better. I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I found a "prince".

BTW...I think the man has cured the mess on my face. He told me the medicine the Dr. gave me was for something else and if I was allergic to the pill I should use an allergy cream, so I got one, and its almost gone! It's not puffy and peeling like it has been. Imagine that. He's pretty handy. I might have mentioned that.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Take Me Home, Country Road...

Whoever thought up that song was a total fucking moron. A moron, who obviously lived somewhere it doesn't snow. Which is a lie because it's about WV. I know all about driving through the snow in WV. Not fun. So, yea it snowed. It probably snowed like, three stinking inches. Nothing major. You would think that knowing the forecast called for snow, they would have maybe plowed or salted the roads, but you have a brain. I love the fact that where I live, they try to make me pay taxes even though I pay taxes where I work. No other place does that around here. I bet the fact that I don't pay my taxes, is why they havn't maintained the streets. It's probably all my fault. I'd love to send them a letter with their monthly bill that says maintain the god damn streets and maybe I'll pay you. I probably wouldn't but that's besides the point.

Most of the time I enjoy rural living. The peaceful cornfields. The amish. The lack of traffic, and sirens. I don't miss the crowds everywhere you go. But today? Today makes me want to move to the city. Even more than I have been thinking about. Honestly, as soon as I crossed the county line, the roads were fine. On the way? About 10 cars off the road. Three of which were on the way to the interstate, I live 2 miles from the highway. It took me an hour to get to work. I work 20 min from home. Half hour with traffic. Hour with snow. I'm so over this bullshit. Yet another sign to get the fuck outta there. I've been looking. Seriously - as soon as I find something, I'm out. That bitch landlord can shove it up her ass.

Bonus? First snow trip in the new car not too bad. I was worried because my old car had the auto traction thing to prevent slipping. I think the newer tires on the new car make up for that loss.

Good news. I lost 2 of the 4lbs I gained at Thanksgiving. This is due to the fact that I actually got off my ass this week and worked out Monday. Then, I worked out last night at 11:30. What sucks about working out at 11:30 is I was up til 2:30 like it was nothin. This morning, I'm freaking exhausted. No pain no gain. I want to lost 5 more by my birthday. I don't ask for much.
My second interview is at 3 today. I'm going to "make some copies" or something while I'm "missing" from my desk. I'm sorta nervous but I think I'll save that for if I land an "in-person" interview. Another coworker had an interview yesterday. And two other girls are actively looking. My department in a few months? Totally fucked.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Even Spell Check Hates Me...

My scope for today: There are too many elements of your life overlapping right now. The lines between separate social groups could be blurring, a coworker is suddenly making moves to get together outside of work, or a family member wants to come work where you work. When you concentrate on fulfilling your purpose in life, you end up helping out loved ones in the process. Learn to take care of yourself and you won't end up resenting others for not meeting those needs.

How true is that? This is definatly my scope today, and something I need to focus on. So, um,
hello, me? Leave me the hell alone already! I swear, my biggest gripe about me, is that I am so hard on myself! Seriously. I get home at 11 every night. Feed the pets, try to clean something, because there is always something to clean. Get a bath, and it's time for bed. I'm always exhausted, so I hardly ever get up in the morning to work out. I can't work out at night, I'm either too tired, or it makes me too awake so I'm up til 3 am then I get 3 hours of sleep to work 14 hours. I can't do everything I want to do. Yet, I'm the first to tell myself I am lazy for not working out. I simply have no time. When will I ever learn, I'm not superwoman? I think I must have been in another life. I hold myself to too high a standard.

On top of that, I'm trying to save money, pay my bills off, find a new job, and move. I'm still behind on everything from not being paid for a month from the second job too. I have my second interview tomorrow at the financial place. I got another call yesterday for an advertising firm as an assistant. The money seems way too good to be true, so it probably is. It's three times my current salary.

The power at my house keeps flickering. The electrician came out Saturday and didn't really fix anything. My brother said he thinks I can call the BBB to have an inspector come out for free. Landlord needs to do something about it. If the place burns down I'm sure she has insurance, and she wont care. She's trying to sell it anyway. So, I've been on the lookout for a new place. I am not having any luck. I pretty much need a house, and I can't afford one out where I work. I figure, once I get another job, the rest will fall into place. I have until March to move, but working two jobs, that will be hard to pack everything and find a place. But then again you know what? When I left the exes house, I was working the same hours, and I managed to pack up and move.

I keep thinking what would be involved in owning a cabin rental? Or a duplex, and living in half? Of course, I'd need a handyman...I might know where one of those is. But seriously, it could be fun, it's expensive to rent those cabins....hmmmm.

While spell checking a report I typed up, I notice it's catching every word as an error. I'm like, what is wrong with 'each'? What's wrong with 'we'? What's wrong with 'talked'? Somehow my fucking spell check turned to Spanish. Now, everything really IS mexican. What the fuck? I set the default to English, and it's still checking in Spanish. Why, does spell check hate me?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Fa La La La La....

I trimmed the tree on Friday. You know what's mildly depressing? Putting up your tree by yourself. That was a first. I did however, do so while watching a Beavis and Butthead marathon, and drinking wine. So, it could've been worse. At least I laughed. I wired the tree to the wall. Last year, it fell over twice. Screw that mess. I only put up one tree. And, I only put out a few decorations. I have tubs of stuff, but I don't feel like messing with it all. It's too much work, and I have no time. I was up til 4 am as it was.

I got my hair did on Saturday. Where my hairdresser and I discussed boob jobs. She met the man last time I went, so she proceeded to tell me that we'd have adorable children. I told her to shut the fuck up, that's not happening. You don't joke about those things. If you let that info out into the universe, that's bad news!

Saturday night I went to the man's family function. It was a grand opening of a store. It was pretty nice, the food and wine was yummy, and I like any time I get to spend with him. No shit? However, it did snow ice, and I had planned on going home due to the dog being on medicine, and I didn't feed the pets in preparation, and my neighbor wasn't home to do it. The man wanted me to stay cus it wasn't safe to drive home. Then he said he'd follow me if I wanted to go. It was kinda cute, I don't remember anyone really caring about my well being like that. I dated some real assholes mkay?

I wanted to go cus I felt guilty abandoning my pets that way, but I didn't want to leave him. I don't even know why, but I got upset. Girl at work told me it's cus I'm so in love and everything is magnified. I dunno, it's so unlike me, but it seems like I'm forever crying over stuff. Not like I'm sad, but I just didn't want him to be upset with me I guess. And, it was sort of the fact that he cared enough about me to not want me to leave. One thing is for sure, it certainly does suck living far apart. He asked me why I was crying yesterday. I felt like an ass.

Anyway, it all worked out in the end. He got me clothes to wear and made me little cups for my contacts. I fell asleep on the floor, and his friend was on the couch, so I ended up leaving around 8 am Sunday, cus I was so uncomfortable, and needed some rest. He came to my house later in the evening, and did the cutest thing ever. He got me those things for the animals that you put a lot of food/water in and it lasts forever. So, if I got stuck away from home I wouldn't have to worry. Him understanding how much I love my pets=awesome. Have I also mentioned that he doesn't complain about them? He's a keeper, that one!

He stayed the night with me, and we cuddled on the couch and watched Harry Potter. I made him coffee for in the morning. I wanted to get up with him, but I had to get up to work out at 6, and I knew I wouldnt get up if I got up at 4:30. I sure could get use to having him around. I miss him so much when we're apart. Sigh.