"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Saturday, September 29, 2007

We interrupt this love fest...

Work is stifeling my spirit. It's my new most favorite phrase, and when I get a favorite phrase I use the shit out of it. Seriously folks. I work for months on end, and never have a day off. Sure, I might have a Friday NIGHT off, here and there, but I still worked 8 hours that day. I need to get the hell out of that second job. Friday, I worked 11p-7a after my full time 8-5, you know the drill by now. Who calls me at 3pm? Fucking police station. I didn't answer. Promptly at 5:05, it's them, calling me yet again!

work: "is there any way you can come in any earlier than 11?"

Me: "like when?" I'm thinking 10 or something, cus I MIGHT have considered it.

work: "5:30 or 6?"

Me: "Are you crazy? I don't think so, I just worked for 9 hours, and I need to get some sleep since I'll be working til seven in the morning"

work: "no problem, see you then"

Like, if it was a problem what would they do? Fire me? Please do. I mean how inconsiderate. It's bad enough, they have all three of us girls working every weekend, without the hopes of ever having time off, because A) they can't hire anyone and B) when they do hire someone they quit the second they find out the hours you have to work. Then, Saturday, I was on my way to walk (SEVEN miles mind you) with Kat, and they fucking call me again! "Danielle called off 3-11 so you NEED to come in early". No one ever told them that you catch more flies with honey?! I mean how rude?

I had 4 hours sleep (9am-1pm) due to the fact that they were cutting trees down at my house, starting at 10 am. I was on my way to walk, and there's no fucking way I was going to work early, when someone tells me to. I work my schedule, and I don't call off, eat it!

They're assholes cus I don't come in thru the week to pick up hours for a girl that quit. Like, its somehow my job to make up for their poor planning? Just like my working each wknd was going to be for two weeks, and its been, what? Almost four months? Seriously. Then the October schedule has been posted...and there I am - working every weekend, yet again. In October? It's my favorite month! Picking pumpkins! Haunted houses! Hayrides! Cider! Bonfires! They also went ahead and scheduled me for Columbus day 3-11. I promptly emailed everyone and said;

"FYI- I will not be working October 8th for the 3-11 shift, as scheduled. This is not even a real holiday, and I work at my full time job, where I make much more money than at this place. Thanks!"

The kicker in the ass, was one of the girls telling me the full time people were complaining that I didn't do any work on my shift. Funny thing - there is no work. The sergeant has to approve all paperwork before I get it, and he brings it in the end of his shift, which is one hour before the end of mine. Once I sticker the fucking things, write report #'s make 80 copies of each report, staple, code, log, and scan them, it's time for me to go. Bite me. Why don't one of those bitches work the midnight, or 3-11 shift and see for themselves? I didn't think so.

I really want to quit. I am giving myself til Wednesday to decide. I guess if I find out I can't make it, I can work anywhere for $8.25/hr right? Holiday help? Plus, it's also stifeling my time with my friends and the new boy.

I saw the new boy yesterday, we went on a date to the movies. We saw 'Good Luck Chuck' which was hilarious! I laughed all day with the boy, then all night at the movies, then for 3 hours afterwards. I told him he was hurting my face. I can't stand how much I like this boy. He gives me the warm fuzzies, and makes me a mushy annoying girl. The kind you would make fun of for being so stupid in love with a boy in public. That's me. Only, I didn't say stupid in love. I mean, real like. Deep like. And then theres the passion. Arrrgh, don' t get me started on that! I'm working!

Important question. The new boy's bday is this coming Saturday. WTF do I do???? After Three weeks? Card? Gift? Drink? I dunno what's too much, or not enough? I want to do something sweet, cus he thinks I'm sweet. Gotta keep him fooled you know! Kiddinggggggggggggggg.....But I don't have much money especially if I'm quitting that job! Which I'm pretty sure I am...who's comin with me? Support? Please?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Uh, too tired to even think of a title...

Yesterday I trucked along on my two hours of sleep until about midnight. When I started to get shakey. And sick. Gotta love that. Today I'm not feelin' so hot on the outside. On the inside, I'm still giddy with excitement. The boy told me last night, he wanted me to meet his friends and family, and that he has reserved that for someone special. He also told me, that "you know when you know" about someone.

This is something that you hear, over and over again from people who have found what they are looking for in a partner. "You just know". I always thought, "is this truth, or bullshit?". Just because I had never found it, I assumed it was bullshit. I thought it was the stuff they put on 'A Wedding Story" to make the rest of us feel like shit with our relationships we've settled for. The questions we all have about relationships are there for a reason. To guide us on the right path. We ask for it, we get it, and we ignore it. Why is that? I can't think of all the red flags I've had in past relationships, but I explained them away as my inner demons at work. Really, that voice is the one you should listen to.

I've had the initial excitement of a new relationship before. Like most people. What I havn't had is the connected-ness that comes along with being so drawn to someone in all aspects. Feeling like you have searched enough for what you want, and it's time to "let it be". It is a feeling. What people say is true. I feel almost silly for saying it, after only a week...but I seriously know. There isn't one doubt in my mind. I knew, before we even met, that this was something special, and through talking, found out we both felt that way from talking, and feel that way after meeting. It's amazing what a gift life can be, when you really take the time to work on yourself. Reflect on the things that got you to where you are. You don't always know why someone breaks your heart. But you do learn from it, if you allow yourself to go there. You don't have to change who you are as long as you are happy with yourself. Finding happiness in yourself can be a long hard road, as it was with me. But, had I not done all the work on me - I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now. I never lost faith.

Loving yourself is important. Letting go of the past is important. And trusting your instincts..should be at the top of that list. Now that I have enlightened you all...I might just fall asleep at my desk. Zzzzzzzzzz......

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Smiley Girl...

Hello boys and girls! Today I'm going to start out with some great news. I have officially dropped two sizes. *cheers* Thank you, no, please, hold your applause! Today, I was wearing pants 2 sizes too big, and literally holding them up so they wouldn't fall off. All the girls were giving me a hard time, but I don't have the money to be buying new clothes! So I went to Old Navy anways. I tried on a bunch of clothes 2 sizes smaller, and they fit. The jeans are mighty snug, but the khakis? Perfection! So, I got a pair of jeans, and khaki's. Then I got a $5 T-shirt. One size smaller than usual. I put it all on my charge card, but you know what? I deserve it for all the hard work I do. And I really do look ridiculous 99% of the time walking around in clothes that are huge. I have no shame! My goal is only 1 more size. That's it! I'm almost there, I can taste it!

Now, onto the new boy in my life. He happened to come to see me last night. We were laying in my bed chatting, and when I got up to pee, I noticed the time was 4:00 a.m. Ummm...yea, time kinda flies when you are having fun. I didn't get to sleep til about 5:30 and got up for work at 7. How's that 1.5 hours of sleep workin for ya? Not too shabby folks. I think I'm use to sleep deprivation from the shit hours I work on the weekends. At lunch, I got 2 sugar free red bulls and I'm good to go!

We had yet another amazing conversation last night. As usual. He makes me laugh, and we talk about some deep stuff, that's awesome. We discussed "moving forward" and what our expectations in a relationship are. We've had very similar pasts, and have both put in the effort with ourselves to find out what we want, and how to make ourselves happy. I asked him how he is enjoying his vacation and he said "I met an amazing girl, the kind you can stay up all night talking to, and we had a great date on Friday". He said something else about me being beautiful or something but, I don't want to boast. I told him, "I think I might have to kick this girls ass". We are dorks like that, and thats what makes him so much more amazing to me.

He likes that we can chat about the world, and I can "keep up" with the conversation. I like the same thing about him. It makes him that much more attractive to me. He's smart. We click. And he's easy on the eyes! I can't wait to see him again on Sunday! I have to give a shout out to Kat who has always urged me to find a man online. Holla!

I dunno how this is going to work with me working weekends when he goes back to work. When we will find time for each other, but I know if it's meant to be it will. I am seriously thinking about taking the certification for Body Sculpting, and teaching classes for extra money. I use to lead them at my old job, and I'm pretty sure I could get thru a class as much as I work out. I think it's my new goal. You travel around and teach the classes, you know for money. How awesome would that be? Pretty awesome!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Crazy....

Happy news all around today. I lost 43 lbs. 43 is almost 45 which is almost 50. 43 is closer to 50, than it is to 30! It's such an amazing feeling to finally be able to see a difference in myself. I can't wear any clothes anymore. They fall off of me with no help. It's a good thing, and also frustrating to think I have to buy all new clothes. I'm thinking of checking out the Good Will or something. And every time I see the boy I have to buy something to wear cus nothing fits! Fascinating.

Friday, I showed the girls at work a picture of me from last November. One of them said "Oh my GOD". I said gee, thanks! She said it should be a compliment. Yea, one of these days I'll post that there picture. I think after I come to terms with the fact that it was in fact me. I have no idea what I was thinking, to think I looked OK.

In other news that may make you want to hurl. I'm hopelessly in some extreme like....with the new boy. It's simply amazing how well someone can suit you. I actually typed the texts we sent last night. How dorky is that? I just kept reading them so I was saving my battery. Last night, we talked about missing each other. Ugh. So much it hurts for me. It's definatly a test on my patience. It is something I need to work on, and here it is, right in my face! Forcing me to deal with it. I have to wait FOUR days to see him. We are getting together Sunday. The fucking second job, is cramping my style. Kat said it's stifeling her time with me too. Which made me laugh.

I keep hearing the "be careful" phrase from everyone. Why do I have to be careful? He better be careful. My philosophy is this...feeling the way I do right now, for even a few weeks or months, is worth the heartache if things were to go wrong. I would much rather feel this way than be bitter about love. And think it wont happen to me. Or wonder what someone's alterior motives may be because they seem "too good to be true". I lived a lot of my life that way, and it got me nowhere but miserable. I'm optimistic. I'm being honest with myself for the first time, I want to be in love. And if I get my heart broken, I will pick myself up, and want to be in love again eventually. It's the bitterness that brings more unhappiness. And when you see people who are alone, it's usually the ones who are putting people in love down. Jealousy.

I'm kinda sick of not having a life. I am thinking maybe October will be my last month. If I'm lucky. It'd be nice if I knew what my car payment is going to be too. That always helps.
Maybe I can find something thru the week so I can have weekends free again. Can't hurt to try. Be even better if someone gave me a stinking raise so I could not worry at all. Ugh. Be nice if my brother pays me the damn money for the phone every month, that would help greatly!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go daydream about the boy. He makes me smile.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

She's Only Seventeen....

So, I absolutely feel like a teenager. I think it is awesome, because I always said, I wanted to be with a person who made me feel that way again. Not someone who put me on guilt trips and sucked my energy. I didn't know that it was even possible. I had faith....but, seriously, I'm not talking the regular old excitement of a new relationship developing...It's a certain feeling. If things work out with us, take heed. You really can have what you want. All the work I've been doing on myself has got to be paying off. I always believed I could have what I wanted. It's "The Secret" in action.

Anyways, I had to work the weekend, all the while, having a boy running around in my mind. I couldn't concentrate. Remember that feeling? I told him he was in there running around, and to slow down at 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. He said he was going to tell me to slow down too, cus he was thinking about me. Said he felt like he got run over by a scooter at Wal Mart. I told him how I felt like I was in high school and it was awesome. Then he asked me to the prom. I told him I'd go, but I needed ample time to get a dress. He told me he'd have the most beautiful date. *blush* Just the way that we can be totally talking about something off the wall like that, and get it, and laugh at each other...excites me. I'm a dork that way, and so is he. I love that!!

Then I was listening to Jodeci...trying to sleep. (I know, Jodeci, right?) And when he asked me to the prom I told him "Feenin" was on and it would be a good song to dance to. Then we talked about a few other songs, and he said a better fit would be "crazy for you" by (the great) Madonna. I Totally agreed. *sigh* Remember when you were in high school, and you had to leave the one you really liked, and you had to make curfew, and you took every last second til you HAD to go, and even then it was hard. That's how I feel.

He told me that he had warm feelings about me. And then I told him, that I was glad because I didn't want to be the only one. Seriously, it's that ache in the heart you get when you really want to reach out and touch someone, but they aren't there to touch. And even when they are there, the act of touching them sends that electric feeling all through your body. And them touching you? Fugetaboutit. I don't know how else to explain it. I remember a while back saying that I was going to wind up having to choose what boy to be with. But, there is no choice here. It's pretty clear. Someone called me twice this weekend and I blew him off. I dunno how to end that one other than phasing him out. We'll see.

He said he liked gazing at the stars with me. It may sound corny, but seriously, I love that kind of stuff. I love to watch birds, and butterflies, and grass grow, and think to myself...*sing* "what a wonderful worrrrld". He said it is hard to find someone who enjoys the simple things and I couldn't agree more. It was actually the first time I'd done something like that with a boy. So, when you hear about a girl from Ohio who got arrested, because she tied up a boy she likes and made him live in her closet so he could never leave her......start a letter writing campaign for me. I did it all for the glory of....Nooooo. I think I'll try to snag this one by being myself. It might actually work!

Then, he came to see me after work on Sunday, cus he is on vacation. He drove 45 minutes (which isn't as bad as I thought) to see me cus he's the cutest ever. We are both in the same boat with this one. If he hurts me, he's going to pay. Did I just say that? I was totally kidding!
I dunno, but we might see each other tonight too. It's hard to stay away. ugh.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Dilly-Yo...

So, I know the world wants to know how did my date go last night, right? Fan. Tas. Tic. I of course, spent the day pooping, and begged my friends to come get me once I was on the way to meet him. I was sick to death over it. But of course once I got there, it all faded away. I ended up parking behind him and I knew it was him so I went up to him, and we said our hello's and hugged. It just flowed. And the sick feeling went away. I remember asking Heather...how do I greet him? And she said "it'll happen naturally". She was right. And...have I mentioned that I think he's totally cute?

We had some delicious strawberry wine, and blueberry wine. Mmmmm. Guess what? He paid for it. I told you- the guys I pick usually suck. Someone actually "took me out". Ok, then. There was definately something there between us. I felt really shy. But there was this .....spark. It sounds cheesy, because people say that. But it's true. On a trip to the bathroom, I took one of the plastic grapes off the bunch of grapes in the bathroom, and gave it to him. He put it in his pocket, and at least acted like he thought it was cute.

I told him that I was super nervous, but it passed after a while. He let me beat him at arm wrestling, and I let him beat me at thumb wrestling. Seriously. I would've won. The winery closed around 11 (amish!), so we were going to go to another bar and kickit cus neither of us was ready to go home. We ended up drinking champagne in the parking lot! He brought it! It was the cutest thing ever. He had it in a cooler and had cups and everything. We were talking, and laughing, and looking at the stars.

And, that was where he layed one on me. And by one, I mean WOW. And, it lasted quite long. Like we didn't want to stop! So, we didn't. We just kept kissing in the parking lot. Long after everyone was gone but the workers. And what should happen? The panic button on my CAR goes off, cus it's in my pocket! I mean, not suprising, right? That's my luck! Talk about embaressing, in the middle of nowhere in the quiet, you hear BLEEP!BLEEP!BLEEP! Way to kill the moment!

Then, of course I have about 15 people calling me all night to see if I was ok. Which was nice, but I had to shut my phone off so it didn't ruin the moment(s). We ended up talking, and laughing in the parking lot for a long time. And kissing. Lots of kissing. Very...nice...passionate kissing! The kind you read about. Damn. It was really nice. I hadn't felt like that in so long. And maybe I'll shut up about it now. But once more...Damn!

You know, after my panic button went off a couple MORE times at in-opportune moments - we thought we should go somewhere else and at that point, it wasn't worth going to another bar, so I said we could go to my house, and have a fire, cus we both like fires! And, we didn't want to end the night yet. Then I kissed him in MY parking lot. The kissings nice people! We ended up staying up until 6 am. Seriously, like high school. And the time went so fast! The whole thing reminded me of school, except for the drinking, and going back to my place. I just mean the excitement that we felt with each other. Awesome. Totally!

It was really hard for both of us to end the day (after) today. I had to come to work. And, he did ask if I wanted to go out again, and we talked about having a connection, and feeling something. He actually said "I think it's obvious we are going to see each other again". (eeek!)

But he lives in Cleveland. It's like an hour from me. So, not like I can hop in the car any random day and go see him on a whim. And, I work all the weekends in the world. So, it sucks having to wait to see him again. It really does. I'm just trying to go with the flow. But it's definatley mutual. I'm so smitten with this boy. I knew when we first started to talk somethin was there. It was a nudge from nowhere. The old me would've never in a bazillion years met someone I didn't know like this, but for some reason I just knew I had to.

I had to rush to work, late, with dirty hair, and wrinkly clothes today. Kat came to work to visit, hear the dirt, and brought me Starbucks! She totally rocks!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Jitters....

So, last night, me and the boy were texting. I fell asleep, and had the strangest dream. I dreamt that when I met him, he was really a 12 year old boy. Who, looked nothing at all like his pictures. And, had many alias's, and made a freaky movie about me from pictures. Like, made them move, and talk. And he showed me. He locked me in his house, and there was like 15 kids living there. I dunno if he was their baby daddy, but I do know he had another girl held captive there. I was the next victim. He had created this whole fake environment, and made people pretend to work in stores in this "fake town" and he made me tell them all they weren't real. It was totally wacked. It's from everyone telling me to be so freaking careful. You never know anyone really, what makes this so different?

I can't explain how sick over the possibility of meeting I was last night. I had to lay down my stomach hurt so bad. I couldn't function. The thought of eating repulsed me. I've got THAT going on. You know the nervousness. The poops. Bleh. I talked to a few of my friends, and of course, I felt fine after that, but it came back. Full force.

I still have no idea where the hell we are going. So, I'm planning on going home after work and not sweat it. If nothing else, I buy my own wine and me and the cats have an exciting evening at home. Since I'm stressed, and we have a jewelry store here at the office, I went and bought myself something. It's an evil thing that we do. Sad? Buy jewelry. Depressed? Buy jewelry. Nervous? Buy jewelry. I got this ring. It's way cute and it was also way cheap! It's pink sapphire. Love it.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Bitten....

I still havn't caught up on my shut-eye. Ask me why, ask me why.......I was on the phone last night until 2:30 am. I got on the phone at 8:30. Six hours. With whom? Ask me! With whom do you think? The internet guy. When is the last time you talked to anyone for six hours? I think it was high school for me. When's the last time you talked to someone for six hours, and laughed 95% of the time, and never had a lull in the conversation? That, I can't even remember.

I was pretty amazed at the similarities in our lives. How many times one of us would say "I can totally relate" "I've been there" or "I agree". Weird. I've never met anyone that was as into self discovery as me. Someone who likes to find out the why's and how's of things, and fix them. Someone not merely riding along in their lives, but actually steering their own way.

We had a lot of very similar relationships, and upbringings. Learned a lot of the same life lessons. I've never felt anyone has "got me" before. I've been through so much more than my friends have with losses, love, and life. We're on the same playing field there. He got all the stupid little things I said, or made reference to. I got all the things he said. I'm not saying that I havn't had any one these things with other people in moderation, because sure, I have. But the sheer excitement of the whole package is what gets me. A package? Someone who has more than one quality I like? Getthefuckout! Have I yet to mention that this ones a hottie too? Yea, now you see why I'm so freaked out!

I laughed so much my stomach hurt. Who loves to laugh until they cry? I do! Who's made me laugh like that? No boy, just my girlfriends, and I while I love them, I don't see myself dating them. We were able to talk about how we use to not want to be alone, and are able to appreciate our own company, and everything that comes along with those changes, and in the next minute we were laughing about bog-ass which is a new word for something that's rank. I love that. I'm not nearly as nervous about Friday.

Ok I lied, I'm sure once it rolls around I'll want to vomit, but we can obviously get along, and have a great conversation. Now I guess we just see if the "everything else" is there. Already people are asking me why I'm so smiley today. It's just that whole excitement of thinking someone "get's what you are about". What's up with that? I dunno. Cus it's a first for me.

My work "Mom" said that he is the kind of guy that will bring out the good in me, in that I want to achieve my own goals, and do good, and I've had things (people) holding me back for so long. I think that might be right.

Only time will tell where this leads but for right now... in this moment.... today.... I feel like I've been bitten by the giggly bug. And that feels pretty damn good!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I'm only barely awake today. You know, I worked last night til 10:30 at the police station. That doesn't seem too bad. Right? Until you take into account I was tired as hell until I got home. Then, I was wide awake the rest of the night. And I mean the rest of the night. I got home and walked 3.6 miles in an hour, did 1/2 hour of legs and abs, and 10 trips up/down my steps. When did I get done working out? 12:30 am. Then, do you think I was the least bit tired? Hell no. I got a leisurely bath, cleaned my rabbit litter box, and washed the dishes.

Well...while I was working out I watched Big Brother. And the TWO HOUR Biggest Loser episode. Don't even get me started on how much the finale of Big Brother blew a fat one. I mean, who really deserved to win out of those two? Neither. When is Lost coming back again? So that I might have an enjoyable television experience that doesn't piss me off? Oh yea, I got like six months.

Back to my night. When I finally made it to bed around 2 am. I couldn't sleep. I layed there and thought about a million things, including the fact that I couldn't sleep. So, when my alarm went off at 5:30 am to get up and "work out" before work...you can pretty much bank on what I did. I also thought about what my friend said last night, she reminded me of her internet dating story. I totally forgot about the fruitcake she met. She made us all go with her. But then, dude was a little "questionable" before they even went out. He works for the local paper, and acted like he was some sort of celebrity that everyone should know. And was totally into her 100% and was pissed that she wanted to take it slow.

While at work, CP called me. I guess that whole "I'm not talking to you until you promise you won't date anyone else" thing wasn't working out or something. I can understand, I am a hard person to get over. Especially I guess, when you are in rehab and you consider what your options are there...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Bitch Bitch Bitch...

So, besides worrying about a date this week, now I have PMS. And, today, I broke two fucking nails. TWO! So, not only will I be nervous, I'll be bloated, and bitchy too. With retarded looking nails. He'll love me. I just know it. I think I will wear a boob shirt to everyones urging.

I'm working at the police station tonight. What sucks about that is I don't get to go home after work. It's only one day and I should shut the hell up. Eventually I can quit. My time will come. If I quit buying jewelry, I might actually bring home some money. I only owe like $130 on my account. I see you judging me. But, what would you do if you could buy stuff at cost?

You know my own mother keeps telling me I should marry for money, because love fades. Isn't that a way to squash a girls dreams? I'm the kinda girl who would rather be poor and be happy. Once you know what happy is, you won't ever go back! Well, ok, so not POOR, but like I am now. I have my needs met, but I'm not rich. That makes me happy. I can have whatever I want, because I believe I can!

I started walking on an incline last night on the treadmill. I guess it was getting too easy. Everything I read says that you only have to walk for 30 min a day and break a sweat to lose weight. Yet, I'm pumping out an hour and sweating my ass off. I can only imagine how much more difficult it will become the more weight I lose. That's why I'm only increasing difficulty a tiny bit at a time. I don't want to wind up living to workout. That sure doesn't sound like any fun!

I dunno if I've ever mentioned how I hate change. But I do. I lost that stupid pound I gained on vaycay but I havn't lost more. I want to kick 5lbs more off, because then I'll be at an even 40lb loss. I still want to lose 30 beyond that, but in time. I need to get my freaking ass out of bed in the morning and work out. I think life would be so much simpler! I'd get to work on time. Be free after work. One of these days, I'll do it.

Monday, September 17, 2007

If I worried anymore id be a wart...

I dunno if you can tell. But I'm slightly obsessive about things. I'm pretty sick over the concept of going on a simple date. But seriously. Um, in high school you went to school with people, and you knew them. When you went out, you already knew them from school. Then I married the asshole I dated the majority of my high school life. The next guy well, I met him drunk while I was going thru my divorce, which was an all-around bad idea.

The next guy was a friend of friends, so we met with a group, and I guess we went out once or twice after that, but the initial meeting was with friends. Um, then the next guy I worked with. Sure, there were guys in between, but they were always people other people knew. I have never just met someone and decided hey lets go out. I'm so out of the loop people. Help me. I mean, what the hell do you do if you like the person. And, how do you know when to end the date? And, what if it sucks, and you want to go home? What if you want to take him home...wink wink...but you don't know if he is a murderer? I'm sick. I may die before I even have a date!

It's all too much pressure. What the fuck do you wear? Dress up? Dress down? Boob shirt? No boob shirt? Regular bra? Push-up bra? Hair up? Hair down? I feel like I'm going to prom or something. It'll be interesting watching me go thru this I'm sure. It's not for me. It's nerve wracking! I can see why I've never done this before.

So, last night, I was suppose to call this OTHER guy I met online, but I blew him off. I didn't get that good a vibe from this other guy anyhow. I dunno why, but the guy I'm meeting I think will turn out to be a good thing.

I don't really know how people cheat, or date multiple people, because I'm not even really "officially dating" anybody, and it's all too much for me to keep straight. Wtf? I need to take some players class or something. I dunno. I'm going to be working Tuesday night at the police station. Yippee. I can hardly wait. Repeat after me...the money will be nice.

You know, I still don't have a car loan? Yea, that's fantastic. I got some paper from Chrysler saying they couldn't find any information about me at the credit bureau. Um, hello, that's total bullshit. I just got my credit report. And, the one in question, is the one I see monthly on my credit card account. I think it's a ploy to charge me a different amount, when I clearly signed papers for a payment I could afford. It's been 3 weeks since I got the damn car. I'm sure they don't still have my Alero to give me back. So, someone needs to fix the shit. And fast.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I Might Puke My Guts Out...

Ok, so, it's 4:30 a.m. Sunday. I'm working. I just finished texting with the internet guy again for the evening. Well, it was a while ago, but you catch my drift. Guess what? We are going to meet. Guess when? FRIDAY! Friday? Heck yea, THIS COMING FRIDAY. I am off that night, but work the Saturday and Sunday afternoon shifts. I have one week to prepare my gut for pukage. I am a total wreck already! We've been texting a lot, and I know we'll have lots to talk about, but ummmmmm, me? I'm not so outgoing in real life. *Gulp* We've seen each others photos, so we know what we're getting into. But real life is like, uh, real and stuff. And, you cant jump around when he says something cute, (like you do in private) or hide that your totally embaressed or well... arrrrrrgh! I know we like each other. But is it all just make believe?

We are going to go to a winery. So, sure I'll get the buzz on. Everyone, send me positive vibes. I need them!!! Since I like someone now, someone seems to be contacting me more too. You know, when one of them wants you, then they ALL want you. It can never be simple. Because I despise making decisions like that. It's going to come down to that. Eventually. Unless this guy hates me, but c'mon, that's not gonna happen. I'm pretty likeable, right? Not to mention, this thing with someone is totally casual and he has had almost a year to get on the bus.

You know, sad as it may sound, I've never really dated anyone. No one takes me out. I don't go places that I don't have the money for. So, this is all new to me. God, this is my year of firsts for shizzie. What a turnaround 2007 has been! Wish me luuuuuck! Mostly, pray that I don't yack my guts out in front of him. My. Nerves. Are. So. Bad.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Big Wheel Keep On Turnin...

When I picked up the girls last night for the concert, one of them asked if I was listening to Hootie (and the Blowfish) I said yes, it's a song with Edwin McCain. Guess what? She likes Edwin McCain. Right there, I knew the chick was cool! How can you not like Edwin? Seriously? I was pretty excited. I had to rub it in that I had just met him...for the *cough* second time! Hollaaa!

Skynard was a pretty good time. Who knew they sang so many songs? Probably everyone but me. Free bird? Sweet Home Alabama? Live? Fugetaboutit! I was the sober driver. Cus I'm poor. So, I might as well use my power for good! One of the girls who shall remain nameless had to squat in the woods when we got there, and people were honking at her! Another taped a flask to
her leg to take in. Come on, they charge 7.50 for a drink, and $9 for beer! We met up with a group of guys that were pretty fun.

So, today I got paid for the week that I took two days off. Um, hello? I'm freaking poor. If I had to pay my car payment this pay, I'd be totally screwed! Then, I changed my direct deposit to have $75 of my pay put into another account. Ouch! That's all I can spend for gas, and food every two weeks. Watch me suffer. I didn't get a pay from the second job this week, since I didn't work this past weekend. I told those assholes I could work hours thru the week, then I never heard back from them. Here's what I bet happens. I go into work tonight, and I'm on some sort of schedule for when they want me to work. That shit won't fly with me.

Cp told me last night that it's pretty much do or die with him and I. Meaning, I can't be friends with him if I see other people. I should pine over him and wait for him to get his crap together. Ok. Whatever. I said, I knew this would happen, and you have to worry about yourself. He's too caught up in what I'm doing and he is having trouble up there in rehab. So, I told him I understand. I guess. He blames me for his drug problems. Then he called me again. After saying he wasn't calling me anymore. Seriously? I think this was over a year ago. I don't know why he still has feelings for me.

In other news, I did hear from the internet guy again, it wasn't just a vacation romance. We texted while I was at the concert. He's a funny boy. I think we're gonna get married or something. We'll be the next internet dating commercial cus we'll be adorably cute. I'm pretty stupid like that. But, I'm a big dreamer. Don't squash them. I'm telling you I have this feeling in a way that I don't normally have feelings of this magnitude about anything. Kinda freaky. How long has it been since you had a crush on someone like that? Me? Probably middle school. When you don't really know someone yet, but you like them from afar. You can come to my wedding internets!

Ok. So.....Big Brother? Anyone? I stayed up til 1:30 am to be disappointed in the fucking game. I have nothing to say about it, besides GAG ME!!!!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

On The Go...

I've been a woman of the moment this week. On the go. In the now. Moving. Well, that might be a lie, but I have had some fun. Last night CP was suppose to come over to pick up some things, he was on loan from rehab on some picinic near my house, so he was going to stop by. Only, someone called me around 6. I left a note for CP because I can't call him, and I went on my merry way. Me. I totally dissed him. I love the new me, she's freaking awesome!

I was there a couple hours, and my phone started ringing. Like, 15 times. I didn't recognize the number, and someone finally said you better get that. It was CP. He was at my house. I said I left a note for you and you can get the stuff you wanted. He said "what I wanted isn't here" I said "well, I'm sorry" and then CP said "tell him I said hi". He knew I was with a guy. I said "Ok".

Then today, I feel bad for not being home when I said I would. Nevermind the fact that he was never around, or never kept any word to me when he said he would. Nevermind the fact that I have fun when I'm with someone, and why should I pass that up to wait around for a guy who's screwed me over so many times, and is in REHAB? I'm right. Right? I'm living my life!

I'm a free bird. I do what I want.

I think I had a vacation romance with the internet guy, cus I havn't heard from him since I got home. I could call him too I guess, right? That's so not me though. It's my girly old fashioned way. Maybe he's waiting on me to. But then, I have been busy. Tonight I'm going to a free Skynard concert with Bethie. It'll be a good time. I never get to do anything anymore so I'm gonna live it up. Although, this is night #2 without working out. I guess I won't be losing that pound yet this week. Oh well.

Update:
That boy texted me while I was at the concert. Game on! I surely get the butterflies. Isn't that funny?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I'm On Island Time, I just need the island...


I'm still on vacation time. To me, I'm still at the beach, with my feet in the sand. Basking in the sunshine. Relaxing with my sister. *Sigh* Reality is such a drag, isn't it? Do you know, she lives literally, two minutes from the beach, and never goes? I think she should have her residency revoked or something. That's just not right!
Soooo....I gained one measley little pound on vacation. This is monumental. I ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise. I had IHOP. I ate crackers (CARBS!) And alchohol. I had champagne. Sangria. A six pack of Corona, and TWO pina coladas. (When written out in this fashion, that's a hell of a lot to drink in 3 days!) Yet, I managed to maintain my weight for the most part. I'm so excited about that little fact! I also only worked out the one day! If you need me, I'll be here....patting myself on the back! Burping.

So I talked to my brother last night. He told me not to worry about him (at home). He said being there, is giving him more incentive to clean the place up. Mmmmm hmmmm. That's what I thought. Him doing it is another story. I'll still have to go over and keep an eye on him. Make sure he's doing stuff. He's suppose to work every day so he said he just needs some stuff from my house, and we'd work out getting everything over there. Only time will tell how this all pans out. But what I can say, is I've enjoyed my two nights of freedom! It is a little quiet, but I've been feeling shitty and its nice to lay on my couch and watch my TV. I can hear the dollar signs dropping from my electric bill. Just in time for winter. Joy.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I think I'm the favorite at work. Another girl was on vacation when I was, and my boss did a lot of my work for me. And had another girl do my awards. Vacation girl hasn't gotten anything done for her. Now, I'm right on track for month-end (we have jacked up fiscal months) and she is behind. I told her, it's cus she's always finished before the rest of us, so she shouldn't work so hard in the future.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I'm Baaaaaaaaack....(and more on the boy)

I know the internets probably shut down while I was on vacation. Riiiight. I really enjoyed my few days of "freedom". We went to see the new Halloween, had a drink at Ruby Tuesday's. Spent time at the beach, and went to the A.R.E. (Association for research and enlightenment) and took a meditation seminar. I really enjoyed the meditation, I can't explain what happened to me, but that it was a feeling of happiness that kept washing over me. Amazing. I can't wait to see if I can re-create this on my own. Meditation may keep me sane! I also got a new mantra out of it, "be still and know that I am love" this will help me I think, on my journy of self love. I still have my moments, and this is what I'll say.

As soon as I got home though, the tension, and stress all came washing back over me. I wanted my brother to go home, my Mom didn't. It's not my fault, I have my own life to get together, I've had him with me FOUR months! C'mon! So I took him home yesterday. I told him he can come back some time. But I need a few days to myself. Then I got a call from the police station, the girl working 3-11 took another shift, so they need people to work 5:30-10:30 M-F. I'm going to call and pick up some hours during the week. That money will greatly help me, especially missing three days at the real job to go out of town. Good thing I had some R&R! Plus, the days I work at the police station, I'll have to get up at 6 am to workout, since I wont have time at night.

Did I mention how I got sick on vacation? On the way home I started feeling like shit. Sinus infection. Today I got a huge ball of bloody mucus out my throat. I know, that's disgusting, but that's how I roll!

And I told you how I've been talking to that boy from the internet. Well we talked a couple times, and we've been texting a lot. He seems normal. Shocking. Normal? By normal I mean, like me. So of course this really means..."awesome".

Something about this boy... I dunno. I really like. Is it weird, because I havn't met him? I can see how this whole online thing works. He's not a freak, and we have had time to talk and get to know each other before getting involved otherwise. I guess you never know. We have a lot of the same interests, one being buddhism. It's fun to talk to someone else about it, who truely gets it, and doesn't make fun of it.

We also have the same sense of humor. Who loves laughing? I do! Who else does? That boy! Who knows what will happen.. we talked about meeting when I have some time off in October. Meeting?!!? Eeek! I feel like it's pretty damn sad I can't make plans cus I'm always working! But, with picking up these extra hours, who knows. I might be able to quit before Christmas. I'll keep you updated. I get a good feeling about it. One that I can't explain, but I trust.

Wach this video. It's only a minute long. It will make you appreciate nature. The sun was hitting the ocean so it looked like it was raining when the waves came in, and it's an amazing, beautiful thing. I'm a dork like that!


video

Friday, September 07, 2007

P.S.

I made "phone" contact with this boy I have been talking to online. We talked a couple times on the phone while I'm on vacation, and texted. I think he sounds like someone I wanna meet. We have the same sense of humor, which for both of us is huge. He sounds cute, and not axe murder-y. Not many people "get" me in the funny way. Well I should say, most BOYS don't. It's been wasted.

I have no idea about this dating thing, let alone, on the INTERNET. I've never met anyone this way. And I wasn't even looking to date someone. It just kinda happened to be that a cute boy messaged me. So, we'll see.......It's a big scarey world out there, and I'm not use to it. I'm just a small town girl. Livin in a lonley world. (journey rocks!)

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Somebody's On Cloud Nine...


Well I made it to Virginia Beach safe and sound. The plane ride only moderatly scared the shit out of me. I got to watch the sunrise all the way to Atlanta, and it was a quiet, peaceful time, that I'll not soon forget. I've never seen anything like it. I stared at it for hours. Stuff like that makes me realize, how amazing this world is, and how my small role in it all seems insignificant.

Onto better things. You know who is in LOVE with Edwin McCain, right? You know, my sole purpose for the trip was to see Edwin, right? Well I got to MEET EDWIN!!!!! Second time! I figure, by the third time, he will be so smitten with me, we'll for sure run off and get married! We're still in the 'dating' stages. We stalked his tour bus after the show, conveniently located by the women's room...and got our picture with him. I told him (cus you know, we're old friends) "we'll leave you alone after this". You say the stupidest things when confronted with your crush. Seriously though, he wasn't the least bit bothered by the droves of people who wanted autographs and pictures. Don't mind that this is the most horrible picture.

We even followed him to the hotel. But we kept our distance. That's how we roll people!

My sister has DIAL-UP....so, it will take forever to upload the hundreds of pictures we took. She got a new camera, so OUR picture will be forthcoming...not to mention, they don't have any photo editing programs so I can size them, or crop them, or remove red eye. Someone should tell her she's living in the stone ages or something.

I won't yet get into how Edwin had on the same shirt he had on the last three times I've seen him. (People, go buy his album or something, the man must be poor!) But he does have different hair each time.

I'm going to edit this later, and add pictures. Seriously, unless you have dial-up you don't know that it's taken 20 minutes to think about uploading one stinking picture. I'm if they at least had Microsoft photo editor here, I'd be golden. But, no. So until then, bask in my glory. For I am on top of the worrrrrrrrld.

P.S. I will no longer be washing my left hand, for it touched Edwin's sweaty back. Back sweat from a rock star is HOTT!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Getting The Hell Outta Dodge!.....

So, I'm getting the hell outta dodge. I leave at 5:45 a.m. for Virginia Beach. Vrooooooooom. Think of me flying over in a plane and how safe I'm going to be from everything that can be unsafe on a plane! I'm pretty sick over it. Bleh. But, I'm really excited to get out of town for a few days, of course I GET TO SEE MY EDWIN TOMORROW!!! And, I met my weight loss goal of 35 lbs for the trip, and exceeded it by 1 pound. Yay for me.

Last night I finally met up with someone. We'd been missing communications for a few days and it was getting old. I had the best time, because that was just what I needed. And by 'that' I think you know what I mean.

He also asked me what I wanted out of life. I didn't hesitate to mention, that I wanted a boy who loves and adores me. Cus, well...who doesn't? I think he was wanting to know if I wanted more than a booty call. I do. But I also want the person to want it just as much as I do. You know..... some day, I'll be swept up by another boy and he will be sorry he didn't marry me or something. Cus, girls like me don't come around that often. Wink wink... See how I am learning my own value?

No further developments with my brother. I'm putting that drama on hold until I get back from vay cay. I can't let anything ruin the ride I'm on right now. Cus it's pretty nice. I am however, going to miss my Mommy. My leaving only means I'll see her one more night when I return from the beach, and then she's gone again. I tried talking her into moving back to Ohio...because it IS the heart of it all. (Ok so that was totally cheesy)

Goodbye cruel world.....I'm off to join the circus!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Where Somehow It Get's Turned Around on Me...

I'm not sure how this happened. Somehow, the fact that my brother screwed up his life, has become my problem. I was hoping my Mom could help get him back on track. Get him to clean up his place, and go home. Turns out, he doesn't want to go home. Turns out she wants him to be with me. Permanent. This is my problem how? He said he has no choice but to go home but he doesn't want to. Well see, you do have a choice, it was before you decided to let your house go. That was the choice you made. My Mom feels bad for him. Ok, she's the Mom. But then she said I should let him live with me, and not charge him half the bills. "You shouldn't expect that" she said. Oh, ok, cus him living with me for free for 3 months was better?

I don't know how the fuck I went and got stuck with the responsibility of getting him fed. Getting his meds. Buying him cigarettes. DRIVNG HIM TO WORK each day. Wasting MY GAS. Not getting paid a penny. I'm over it. The shits going to hit the fan. I don't want to be mean to him but he is a grown man. And why it is my job to take care of him. I don't have kids. He's not mine. He is 34. Time to stop letting life get you down and DO SOMETHING about it. God. I'm sick and tired of working two jobs, and I can't quit with him there. I'm not getting ahead at all. He is making me hate my own life! You know, no one has rescued me. So don't ever expect me to rescue you. I've done all I'm doing. I don't care if it sounds heartless as my Mom seems to think. If I could do it, anyone can. I've been through a LOT more than my brother has..... A lot! And what am I doing? Still living my life. That's all you can do.

On a lighter note, I've exchanged a few great emails with someone online! On paper, everything's really perfect. But you know how that goes. I guess. I havn't done this before, but he seems to be everything I'm looking for, and funny. I like funny. Cute too! Of course, only time will tell if he's only after the booty. I've had a shitty morning at work. I have so much to do to prepare for being gone Thurs, Fri, and Mon.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Laboring On Labor Day...

I'm at work. Thankfully, it hasn't been too bad here today. I mean, I AM online and all. However, Olive Garden brought in a fuck-ton of food. So, I had a peice of lasagna. MEAT sauce. A breadstick. And a peice of Tiramasu. The peice of Tiramasu should have been 4 peices, but who am I to say? Now? I feel like ass. Bleh. This is precicely why me and carbs do not get along. They make me tired, bloated, and miserable. But for that short time I ate them it was fabulous. I wouldn't feel so bad if I got in a good workout today,but I only got in 40 minutes, so I could drive my Mom around.

Mom was convinced by Kat, that there is some gambling place in my town. I'm telling you, I live in a small town. No gambeling. She wouldn't believe me. I had to drive her there to show her. I said kat doesn't even LIVE here, let it go!

I'm a dumbass cus I left my parking pass in my old car for work. I didn't need it last week cus I parked in one of my VP's spots. (this is pimp shit when the parking lot has over 2,000 cars and parking is a mile away) So, I got a new one on Friday. I lost it. All I did was pick my Mom up in WV, and it's gone. Poof. I havn't even had time to really look hard for it. No time for anything. Work is ruining my life.

I'm sorta sad today. I think it's that I miss being in love. Why can't someone rescue me from myself? Whisk me away! I'm a totally awesome girl - takers? I like to go to the movies? Trivia? Beer? I'm free for a few hours the end of September. Ugh. See why I don't date? I'M ALWAYS WORKING!

I missed three attempts at contact from Someone this weekend who tried to call me AGAIN last night after I got off work. Seriously, that would've snapped me right outta my funk. But then it's only a distraction. And really, it's kinda getting old. By the time I got the message it was 1 a.m. And, I'm leaving Thursday on a jet plane to see Edwin. I can't even be all that excited, because now I'm terrified of people driving my car while I'm gone. Namely my brother. I know my Mom won't keep him from going out in it. Cus, she is the Mom and see's only the good in him. Not the fact that he goes out drinking and lies about it. And will do so in MY NEW CAR. I don't want him driving it at all. Hopefully his friend can take get him for work.

Oh, look, it's 6:11. Only 4 hours and 49 minutes until I get to go home. uggh

Sunday, September 02, 2007

More On Becoming my Mother...

You know, I have my Momma staying with me this week. And, of course, my brother is still there. Last night after I got home from work at 11:30, we watched a family reunion DVD Mom had from her family. I got changed into my PJ's and got out the sweeper. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Sweeping" I say. "At 12:00?" "Yes, why?" "I could have swept if you wanted it swept today I didn't do anything". She turned to my brother and asked "Who does she remind you of?" I asked "Who?" and she says "Me".

At this point, I told my Mom, that I often curse her for half the things I do. You know when you live at home, and your MOM makes you do things you don't want to do, you say: "WHEN I GROW UP I'M NEVER DOING THIS!"

Like:

1) I fold my towels in three's. I cannot accept them folded any other way, because they simply don't stack nice in the cupboard. In half. In half again, then in three's. Mom made you do this, and do it right.

2) Re-folding towels that someone else folded, incorrectly. If they aren't neat, they get redone. Mom made me re-do my towels a lot.

3) Do the dishes as you go. I hated this dumb rule! Who wants to interrupt cooking with cleaning dishes? Who has time for that? Who wants to prolong enjoyment of a delicious meal, to wash dishes? Now, I can't stand someone in my kitchen, not cleaning as they go!

4) Wipe your crumbs off the counter. Now, I say to myself, "how fucking hard is it to clean some fucking crumbs off the counter w/o wiping them onto the damn floor, huh?"

5) Clean the cat hair off the furniture. Oh, I went rounds with my mom on this one. She even threw my cat outside once. My one stinking cat! I of course, layed in the yard and cried for hours with my kitty. Now, I have to do it, at the very least once a week.

6) Keep the house "red-up". (I dunno if 'red-up' is a patented phrase, or if other Moms use it...?) I'd think as a kid, big deal. It's just going to get messy again. Now, my internal 'can't deal with shit' button is pushed, if I spend 6 hours on my half a day off, cleaning when I work 2 jobs, and would love to lay around. Sorry Mom, I just didn't know!

7) Clean out the lint trap. I thought this was really dumb. Who cares if there is lint on the lint trap? When you get older, and OWN YOUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER. You realize, that this can affect it's ability to dry clothes. Burn out the heating element! I thought it was dumb of my mom to yell at me for that. But, I guess she was right. Same with having the washer go off balance. I sure as shit don't sit and listen to it now, I run to its rescue!!!!

This is but a small list of things I thought were stupid. I don't aspire to be Martha Stewart, But I swear I never thought I had an anal bone in my body. See why I don't want kids? My favorite Mom phrase? "Half-assed". I can see why she used it a lot. "get in there and rewash those dishes, you did it half-assed" You would even get the half-assed in note form, such as at the beginning of a list of things to do: "If you do it half-assed you will do it again" I don't think I ever threatened to do anything 'full-assed' but I bet if I did I'd probably have gotten slapped!

Reason 456,780,100 not to have kids. They will grow up and curse you for their own stupid habits in their blogs.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Things I miss about my old car....

I wish right here I could simply type "nothing" but I'd be lying, and I'm not a lying girl. I do however, only miss two things.

1) easy-to-use cruise control. I took a 2 hour solo trip to WV last night, and only got it to work twice. By accident. I mean, since when did using the cruise control require so much effort? On my old car, you pushed two buttons to set it. Don't ask me how to do it on this one. Obviously I need to read the book.

2) The headlights. I never once in three years had to touch my lights. They came on by themselves, they went off by themselves. I didn't have to think about it. I think in the past two days I've left my lights on a total of 20 times.

Other than that things are awesome with the car. I got lost as fuck in West by god Virginia when I got off the expressway. Stopped at an Exxon and all the rumors you hear about people there are totally true. Judging from the creepy pervs giving me the eye at the pumps, to the toothless man behind the counter, in his jumpsuit and name badge sewn on "Earl". I only wish I was kidding. I really expected one to jump me from the hills, like in that movie "Wrong Turn". (I totally get to be Eliza Dushku tho cus shes hot!)

For a city with a casino, they sure don't want you to find it. I spent over a half hour driving around trying to find the damn place. I found my way to "The Wheeling Inn" and told my mom to come find me. I was done driving around. I mean, even on the city website, it's the very last attraction. You would think they would want to advertise it. But then again, like the movie maybe the cannabalistic mountain men eat too many tourists so they don't like to advertise.

Missed a call from someone due to the freaking mountains. But other than that I didn't mind the trip alone.

P.S. Did you see the pics of my car below? Sweet!