Friday, April 28, 2006
The annual walking tour is going on in May! I'm going to go on it. Kat said she'd probably go too. Why not, it's free, and we'll learn a thing or two. You like to do such things when you get older. It's only a few miles, but I've never done it. It's of this old estate, part of which I work on.
I work in Barn no. 1. In the first picture, the first window to the right of the right silo, is my office. If you look closely. You might see me in there slaving away! I'd like to note, that the windows no longer open to help cross ventilate the cattle. We get no ventilation.
People usually call it a castle. It's really a barn. To us within the company it's "the barn". This is a map of the estate . If you click on the different areas, it brings up pictures of how it use to be back in the day. Of course, they got rid of the cows, and the stalls. And added cubicles, and computer geeks. But pretty much the rest is all the same. The greenhouses are no longer standing. When they were, they were a part of our company.
Working in a cow barn comes with it's own stigma. Such as when we have a food day, it's called a grazing table. MOOO! And it's kind of a tradition to gain 10-20 lbs when you start working here.
It's also haunted, but that's another story.
When I first started at work, one woman (who doesn't work with us anymore) told me that next door to us, use to be a creamatory. GASP! Where they creamated people. Which is creepy, because it is now someones house. And the buildings seem kinda scarey. And, I use to work there alone on weekends, and late at night. After asking around, I found out it was a Creamery. You know, for the cows. Milk. Ice cream. Moo.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I am having trouble letting go of some things that happened to me in my 20's. Mostly, the mental and physical abuse I endured for years from my exes. I've learned that you attract to you, the people that will bring up the most of your bad stuff. Someone who has the bad qualities of both your mom, and your dad. Everyone is in your life to teach you something about yourself. I've come to the conclusion, that CP is in my life to teach me how to be more myself.. to be more giving, which is a huge one for me.
He's the only one so far, who hasn't made fun of me for crying, and having emotions. I've always needed someone to be patient with me. To understand that I have been so hurt that I'm terrified to open up. When someone makes you feel safe doing that, it becomes a little more easy to try to discover who you are.
I'm afraid that if people really know me, they wont like me. Little by little I let more of me come out. If I'm having a bad day, I don't pretend that I'm not. You are suppose to come back to love when you are in the midst of an arguement, and that is exactly what we do. I can never stay mad at him, because I'm reminded of why I love him. He accepts me. It's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to disagree with things he says or does. It's ok, because every fight doesn't mean I am going to be hit, or degraded. That is a big obstacle to overcome. The fear. Understanding, that he isn't every guy who has hurt me. Or used me. If he were only right for me. That's the problem. Obviously there is purpose there. But it isn't love.
On that note, I'm reading a new book. Getting the love you want, by Harville Hendrix. He was on Oprah. He says you should tell your partner 1 thing before bed that you appreciate that day. I love that. I think that the words I LOVE YOU become habit, and lose their meaning. You know someone loves you, but why? I spend a lot of time not feeling appreciated for all that I do, becaue I don't hear it. One night I told CP that I appreciate that he made an effort to not make a mess after I cleaned for 8 hours. He appreciates that I love him, because he is hard to love.
Did you notice that my thing was somewhat backhanded? And maybe if that was all I could come up with. Is it love at all?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
While I did spend most of last night crying, I'm really O.K. with it. We both are. It's not a break up. And we already discussed that this is NOT a "Ross and Rachel we're on a break" and there'll be no hooking up with someone else!
Things between us, are good. If we were doing better financially, I would honestly have no complaints. (well besides the normal, "he leaves the toilet seat up" etc..) It's just gotten to the point where I'm starting to hate him, because I have to work two jobs. I'm tired of being tired. I could have quit by now if I were living on my own. Things are suppose to be easier financially when you live with someone, but they are much harder on me. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to. I struggled with thinking, we should tough this out if we are going to get married. But the point is something has to change, and I don't think it can while we are together all the time.
Him getting back into drugs, really screwed up the trust. I don't trust people, and for me to have trusted him at all was big. That's gone. He put himself, and subsequently me, into a big fucking hole with all his Dr. bills. It seems so hopeless. I'd rather struggle on my own, and have only myself to blame. If he isn't running up bills at the house, he can pay me more money. Some people just need love, but personally, I need the whole package. To me, that's what love is. I asked him to file bankruptcy. He has a HUGE and I mean HUGE debt. I feel hopeless, and I'm only a couple grand in debt.
He has great thoughts, and plans, but they never come to be. He gets an idea, it grows to be big, and then it fizzles out. It's not that he even puts an effort towards them. They are just ideas. I dunno if I'm meant to learn that I don't need things to make me happy or what. But, I find nothing wrong with wanting to have money to afford cable. Going to the movies. I havn't been to a bar since St. Patricks Day. Before that? My birthday in December! It isn't that I'm blowing a ton of money, but I could afford to buy myself an outfit, and get my hair done before he moved in with me, and now it's a struggle. It shouldn't be. I make more than enough money for myself. But not for both of us.
Trouble is, he has so many bills, and has ignored them, and summons' to court for so long, he has a garnishment on his check. They take 1/4 of his pay now. Another 1/4 he pays to child support. So he is left with less than a minimum wage worker would make in a week. And he works 2 shifts almost every single day! It doesn't leave much to work with to pay his bills, pay me for living expenses, and feed himself and get to work in gas. I worry enough about myself. I can't have that burdon right now.
I came home and my direct tv was off. No Tivo? That's the last straw!!!!
So that's where we are. We're going to see each other on wknds. Try to work out our own things on our own. We basically lived together since we met, so this is good for us. I want him to be more goal oriented, and stick to doing things he starts. I can't make him, I can't change him, and this is a way to see how well he does 'on his own'. I'm not happy. It's the last thing I wanted to happen. I told him I didn't want him to go after having talked, but we both know it's for the best. It still sucks though.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
While on the subject, there was a local house being built a few years back, I remember Kat sending me the article in the repository. Construction workers left because of all the strange things happening. The investigator of that house, was on the radio with an EVP she got from it.
I've been on several ghost hunts, and never had anything bad happen. You get weird feelings now and then, just like you're being watched. I did get a mist at Mansfield Reformatory in the library. Yes, it was summer, it wasn't breath, no, there is no smoking allowed. You rule different things out. It is like hunting for anything, sometimes you don't catch anything. I can totally understand people not believing in the paranormal. It's scarey. And it's tough to prove. Unless you have your own experience, you may never believe.
There is a place near my house called Rogue's Hollow. It dates back to the 1800's it was a mining community meeting place. It's rumored to be haunted. My parents use to take us as kids to scare the crap out of us. Ever since it's been the place that scares you. We've gone in he past few years during the day, it's open. If you go at night, you get chased off by a dog! That scared the crap out of us too. I use to live closer to this place, with TWDSO. I also found headstones in the yard of his house while gardening. The whole town has them, the police said, so I guess that makes it ok? They were from the 1800's. That doesn't make it any less disrespectful! TWDSO tried to tell me that they surely moved the bodies. Like, it wouldn't have been easier to move headstones? Why move the bodies and leave the headstones? Can you say...denial?
He got really pissed at me for calling the police, and the historical society, and well, my Mom DID call the newspaper! I wasn't allowed to talk about it. It just became the joke in our group. Every time we had a get together "Let's get the shovels out". It does seem fun, if you don't live there! Now, he has to disclose that it's built on a cemetary. Thanks to me. You're very welcome asshole! That's what you get!
Now, there is an all night ghost hunt at Rogues Hollow in June. I got me and CP a spot! I don't know anyone else going, because my ghost hunting group always seems to put down things I suggest doing. So, we'll make new friends! I told Bubba and Dusty about it. Hopefully one of them will come too! I can't wait!
Do you have a ghost story?
Monday, April 24, 2006
Saturday night we had the first fire of the season. Tayray and DB (who is Tayray's boyfriend) came over. I'm pretty sure DB had been hitting the bottle long before we got together. He tried to cook hot dogs on top of the fireplace in plastic. I went inside to find my battery charger for my camera so I could take some pictures, and when I came out, they had a can of chili dog sauce open on top of the fireplace, and hot dogs wrapped in foil. Cus, I guess we were pretending we didn't live in the age of electricity, so we couldn't use the microwave.
Tayray brought out a big box of stuff from her ex. Pictures, love notes. We burned them. It was a lot of fun!! We even had a pic of all of our exes, Bubba's too. Burned it. The funnies thing about that was, the boys said you need to hold on to things to remember. THE BOYS said this. I said, you have your mind to remember. You don't need those things. When you aren't with someone anymore, why remember the good things about your relationship? If it turned out bad, fuckit!
We were listening to some old tunes, which brought me to think about a Milli Vanilli song that I could only humm. I got online Sunday and downloaded it. It's 'Girl I'm Gonna Miss You' for what it's worth. Then, I stayed on Kazaa for 3 hours. I downloaded all these songs that were popular when I was in high school. Talk about a good time!
Me and Kat walked the towpath trail Sunday. We didn't have a friggin' camera. But we found a quarter sized turtle. Probably dead but I kept saying that we saved its life, by putting it back into the canal. We saw beaver houses too, a couple of them. And ducks. We went 4 miles, cus we kick freakin' ass!! It wasn't too bad! Then we walked to get peanut butter crunch ice cream. Mmmm. And walked around downtown, looking in the windows, wishing the shit was open to a couple antique stores! Sat on the porch of one store in the rocking chairs. We went into the teddy bear shop which was actually pretty cute. Saw that we have a Thai restaurant there too. We're gonna try to go every weekend. It was a good time.
I got poison ivy. It wouldn't be right if I was outdoors and didn't catch it. It's my thing. Only I'm pretty sure it happened from working out in my own yard. I was digging around in the woods. So far it's only on one finger. We got the screw on Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy. Recap shows. If you don't fucking watch it, thats your fucking fault! Stop with the catch up shows! This Wednesday, Lost......A CATCH UP SHOW! Bastards!!!!!!
Is it just me, or did blogger suck cock today? It only took me 5 hours to publish a post. Maybe I shouldn't complain, but then I wouldn't be me.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Yes, only my Mom would have said something like that to a complete stranger. And, the fact that I went there in the first place, to buy a second bird feeder cracks me up. I use to make fun of my mom for watching the birds. I made my lunch Saturday, after making my new little bird area at the edge of the woods, and ate outside. Just to watch the birds. For an hour. When I woke up this morning, I watched two cardinals, a male and a female, jump from branch to branch in the trees, and to the bird feeder for about 20 minutes before I realized I was doing it.
Anyways, I cleared out a cute spot at the edge of the woods, moved my bird feeders, and my bird bath all in the same area. I poured some rocks around it, and put some garden statues, and my little mini bench, and a potted plant. It's like a little birdie's paradise. Ah, rocks. I have started collecting rocks from places that I go too. I think I also got that from my mother.
What's happened to me?
Friday, April 21, 2006
I kept singing "free balllllllin" to Tom Petty's Free fallin. I dunno, next might be a nudist colony. Not wearing draws could be the gateway!
I have enlisted my sis aka "Hot for Jr" and her friend "theblonde1" to do the Womans Challenge with me! It's free! We are the East Coast Hotties, and you should fear us. Yesterday, my lunch walk to the grocery store was .82 mile, almost a mile. I walked after work too! I did a total of 2.67 miles all day, and that was only 7,000 steps. I got 2 new blisters. Rockinnnn! Soon my feet will turn into calluses, and it wont matter! Tayray called from the bar and told me to WALK down to have a beer. I had my dog! Oh, they'll let her in on the deck she said. Yeaaaa. I was about 50 feet from my house, and she wanted me to walk another half mile to the bar! Bubba called me drunk too. It's fun to talk to drunk people when you aren't, cus they think they make perfect sense! I think the recurring theme of the night was, everyone has a life but me. Ho Hum!
I stayed up until 1 a.m. to watch Wolf Creek. By myself. What lesson did we learn from this movie? Hmmm....I think that I'll still go to Australia, only I'm sticking to the beaches. Not so sure about taking any tours of the outback, ya dig? It was like an Indie film, so it felt more real. I don' t think there was any music at all. I woke up all night with nightmares. That's the second time I watched a movie, and said it wasn't scarey, but then I had bad dreams all night. The hills have eyes was definatley more creepy!
Today is our final day of employee appreciation. I can't wait to see who everyone's baby pictures are. It's so hard to guess people, we've been trying to determine age by the clothes they have on! We're having a desert bar too. We use to have way more fun things during the week, but times are tough people! Folks just aren't buying plants like they use to. But, gardening is still the #2 past time in America**. I'm in marketing, this is an honest to goodness researched statement! Get out there and buy plants! I need a raise!
I'm listening to the Celestine Vision. Levar Burton reads it! It's sooooooo Reading Rainbow!!!
The book is really cool! Everyone should read it! It talks all about coincedences, and how they are not accidents, which I'm already a firm believer in that. It's suppose to help you explore your spirituality. The guy who wrote the Celesting Prophecy wrote it. My sissy sent it to me.
**Don't ask me what the #1 is, because I don't store information in my brain that I really don't need!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
On my walking adventure I'm going to return movies, and buy hostel, and Wolf Creek. I hope they scares the pants off of me. But I doubt it!
I also had some shitty dreams about CP and me cheating on each other. Whenever I have a bad dream where CP does something wrong, I do what every woman should do. I kick him hard and wake him up, and then act like I'm sleeping when he says "what?" "why'd you wake me up?". It's sweet satisfaction. Yea, it's just a dream, but it makes me feel better about it. How dare he do such things in my dreams! hmf!
I'm getting pretty good at fixing things. Normally I have no patience to fix things, but I learned that I have even less patience to wait for someone *cough*my fiance*cough* to fix things.
My bathtub has had a slow drain since I moved in over a year ago. Let's remember how this caused me to flood my bathroom/hall/bedrooms last summer. (ok, so it flooded because I forgot I was running it, but it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if it drained faster!) Back to the point, I've spent I dunno how much money on draino over the past year. All forms. Liquid Plumber, foam snake, gel, you name it, I've tried it! All that it did was make the drain move slow vs. being at a stand still.
So, like most things that piss me off, I assaulted the drain. With a dowel rod. I've had it with the damn thing sitting for 6 hours and not draining! No one likes to shower in a full bathtub! I jammed it down in there and banged around when I hit some part of the drain. Well, that assault worked. It drains perfect! So much so, that it makes that little tornado when it gets down far enough! You might ask yourself why I fix everything when I rent. I have a reasonable explanation, which is - I have 4 more pets than I have disclosed. Nuff said! I could truck them over to Tayray's but I can't hide the bunnies gargantuan condo!
I saw a group of men on motorcycles last night on my way to the second job. Yay Spring! I was at a long light behind them for about 5 minutes. I have decided, that for some reason, men on bikes are hot. I dunno if it's that they have on helmets and you can't tell if their ugly, or what. But mostly, I think it's that you can see their asses, which is something I got an eye for on the gentlemen. MMM MMM MMM! Wanna thank your mother for a butt like that!!!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I got all kinds of presents from my sissy! The cutest hello kitty necklace, some books on tape, a CD and a book! New oils for my mister, and some for my artheritic fingers, and a jar that smells inspiring on my desk. Too bad she didn't make me a concoction for blisters. Me and Dusty walked about 2 miles yesterday on lunch. I got 2 quarter sized blisters that burst open. My socks were too thin for my sneakers. I had 2 on my toes too! I begged CP to pop the one on my foot that came back I never saw anything so disgusting. I soaked them in tea tree oil, my sis said it would help. It took the sting out! This morning, they were refilled, and already popped from my pants touching them. I need an E.T. healing! OUUUUCH!
I made grilled green, red, yellow, and orange peppers on the foreman, with some I can't believe it's not butter spray, and a little garlic salt. Steamed some rice, and put a little ranch dressing in it. (its the bomb!) CP actually ate it with enthusiasm! I was shocked, cus it didn't contain his 3 favorite food groups; grease, butter, pop. I don't think there is much better than grilled peppers, but that's just me!
We are having our picinic on the lawn today at work for employee appreciation week. It's lots of fun to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine, while the managers slave away on the grill. I'm sure it'll be loads of fun. I don't like the chicken though. It's not a breast, it's literally like, 1/2 a chicken. I don't like to eat meat, while I'm looking at a carcass. That's just me. We got some forget-me-nots from the company. I just love them, they are soooo pretty. They also put stickers on some chairs for a prize, but me and Bethie already saw them, and might have put 3 together for us and Tayray.
Lost isn't on tonight. What's the point of a Wednesday, with no Lost????
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I remember where I was, I was in third grade, at school. I also remember watching it on TV at the school. My school would have been shut down for showing us something like that in today's world! For God's sake don't let kids see how the world really is! But, go ahead and watch women be objectified, and treated like whores on any old channel, any old day.
I also remember when Princess Diana died. I was camping with Bubba and her ex, and my ex husband. We were with a group of older people, drinking and partying. (I was 21, kids!) We watched it on TV in the RV. (ok, I realize this isn't real camping!) It was a buzz kill needless to say!
Where were you on 9/11? I was at work. I remember hearing my boss say that a plane hit the world trade center, and I thought, wow that's too bad. I had no idea what the world trade center even was. I'm sheltered to most worldy news. I knew it was big, but it didn't register. We all gathered in our lunch room, and watched it on TV. That made it all real. TWDSO had to get on a plane the next day to come home from job training. That was when I loved him, so I was scared. Mostly I remember how quiet it was with no planes flying. How everyone everywhere, seemed to be in the same state of mind. It was definately something no one can ever forget.
I remember the gulf war, scared the shit out of me. So much that I dedicated 3 pages in my journal to the fact that we were all going to die! These are crazy times!
It's interesting how certain events have such an impact on your life. For my mom it was "where were you when Kennedy was shot" or "where were you when elvis died?".
It's a beautiful day! I'm going on a walk for lunch with my friend Dusty. I get to go out after work for veggies from the produce store, that is open! Yay! Cheap stuff! I caught some cat eating my cat mint this morning, I saw him through my laundry room window. He didn't put in on that shit! He can't be eating it!
Monday, April 17, 2006
I'm actually ready to be back to work. I get bored being home too much. I didn't even leave the house but once and spent too much money. Oh wait, thaaaaats right, I had to pay half of my paycheck to the fucking government! Taxes my ass!!!!!! I had planned to go to the Beir Haus Thursday night, but I got stood up for Every Day Arnies. Which is a gay bar where my gay ex likes to go. I really miss having a life, where I get to go out once in a while. You know, to eat or something. For real. Didn't go out for Easter cus I'm poor, and Bubba and her man stood me up for dinner anyways. I think this weekend I had a big "LOSER" stamped on my forehead. It's better I didn't go. Since gas is damn near $3/gallon.
People blame oil and the war and all that BS but I blame the damned hybrid cars. It's a great idea, but the rich love to get richer, and how can the president bank off of our gas money, when more people are buying hybrids? How? Raise the gas prices! The rich get richer. Gotta love it.
CP worked all weekend. Worked Sat. until 4 p.m. went back in at 10 p.m. worked til 10 a.m. Sunday, then went back to work at 9pm Sunday night. I watched Beaches for probably the 30th time, and that's an understatement. I cried like a baby, for probably the 30th time. I think only women can understand that movie. We have such close relationships with our friends. I couldn't imagine being a man, and not sharing everything with someone the way we gals do!
I didn't go to church or anything on Easter, cus, I'm not into that. I think I was cursed, cus some people are lucky enough to see Jesus in a potato chip, or in a water stain on the wall.
Me, on the other hand, I get to see evil while enjoying my delicious smiley fries. Something about the way this one looked when I picked it up, made me get my camera.
The Amityville horror had a red eyed pig, I get a red eyed smiley fry!
Saturday, April 15, 2006
I said well, if I didn't use all that stuff, I wouldn't be, I'd have wrinkles and dry skin and nappy hair. He told me I didn't have to look 16. I told him, to tell that to the rest of the world. I'm not comfortable aging. At least I know that when I inevitably do start to show my age, despite the lotions and potions and hair dye...that he will still think I'm pretty.
I've been up since 8 a.m. on my day off, struggling with my taxes. I filed an extension on my federal, so I'll owe them a lot more in the end. But I don't have the $ to pay the assholes. I paid my state tax outright, which wasn't as bad. I am not filing my city where I live. You hear me? Come and take me away! They want a percentage of my total income, minus what I paid already to the TWO cities I work in! Taxed in triplet, I'm a lucky fucking girl! More and more, this second job is costing me more than I'm getting for it. When all is said and done I'll be paying out over $1,000 to the government, when I've already paid them all they deserve! I'm sick over it. Any time I lose sleep, we've got problems!
The sun is shining! I've scrubbed my carpets, soaked all my mini blinds, cleaned my windows, and now I'm off to the store to get a sweeper belt. I'm hoping that will work and I can use my sweeper again. 7 pets and no sweeper for a week, makes for a freaking mess to end all messes! I can't not have a sweeper, nor can I afford to buy a new one! Maybe I shouldn't have thrown the stupid thing, but you'll have that! Then I'm off to work outside in the yard, and soak up some sunshine!!! It is such a perfect day!
Friday, April 14, 2006
That's not the best part. The tech asked if I needed an ice pack for the medicine. I asked "it needs to be refrigerated?" Yes. She thought that the 10 minute drive back to work was pushing it, so she gave me an ice pack. Lemme fill you in on something, I never put Chelseas medicine in the fridge last time I got it. It doesn't say to on the label. I don't get the original bottle, they measure out the dosage and put it in a different one. So, I bet that is why she had all those stomach problems, and got sick again. Her antibiotics probably didn't work. I know all about Clamavox for cats. Been there, done that. Now I know all about Cipirofoaxin for bunnies. You live. You learn. I am glad she didn't get more sick over it.
I'm not a Dr or a pharmacist, but I watch them on TV.
Who doesn't write 'keep refrigerated' on things that should be refrigerated? I'm smart enough to do that mkay?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
This is by far my favorite Easter joke going around. The house rabbit society has a campaign called "Make Mine Chocolate". Visit the page to learn more about how many bunnies are abandoned after Easter, and how you can help. They are cute, and cuddly and may seem like great gifts, but they are living creatures, that require a LOT of care!! They have special diet needs, and housing requirements. They aren't always kept at shelters, because most places don't know how to care for bunnies or have the room for them. If a rescue group doesn't take them in, they are usually euthanized. You can help homeless bunnies, by buying a T-shirt, or pin at "Make Mine Chocolate" site. I proudly wear mine!!
It's my semi-Friday. I don't have to wake up with the birds tomorrow, but I have to work my second job. Bullshit. I am so exhausted today. CP went into work at 9 pm and got off when I was going into work this morning. I havn't seen him since Wed. morning to kiss him goodbye. Really, I havn't spent any time with him since Tues. Work blows a fattie! I didn't sleep all that well. I woke up alot cus he wasn't there. It didn't feel right. I use to not give a shit if I slept alone. CP has me all screwy in the head now! Love. Dammit all to hell!!!!
In my great searching of the soul, I think I'm going to start looking more seriously into buddhism. Religion is a touchy subject for me, because I have no faith. I can't believe in what I don't see. I don't believe we just appeared here out of nowhere. An example of my beliefs are when people say "I'll pray on it" that translates to me, as you are telling yourself you want something, and then you achieve it, and thank God for it. I believe we all have the power to do anything within ourselves, you just have to believe you can do it. Which means, trying, and failing until you succeed.
If you do well for others, it comes back to you, and many people do for others, and say God gives back to them. I believe it is all in us. The only spirituality that speaks to me is the buddhist beliefs. So, I'm going to read up on it. It also teaches tolerance of all religions. Which is more than I can say for most of them out there.
People get too serious about it, and try to force it on others. It's a personal thing. Like me telling someone they just have to use Neutrogena 60 second hair mask because I do. When there are lots of other perfectly good conditioners you can use. Lot's to choose from, and some work better for other hair types. For me, it's Neutrogena. I can't make anyone else switch to my conditioner. They can see what it does for my hair, but that doesn't mean they have to use it.
I still have to do my taxes. Your not in much of a hurry when you owe $600 to those cocksucking assholes!!! As if I don't pay enough every day. I heard yesterday on the radio, that Ohio has the 8th highest taxes in the COUNTRY! Nice! I believe that all of our industry is gone overseas too for the most part, so tax the hell out of us, fuckers. We don't care. We'll all work 2 jobs to survive while you have people to wipe your ass. Try to fix the election again, obviously we're a mostly democratic state! Sorry. I'm a little bitter about paying taxes. I work too fucking hard to owe anything. I pay them enough trust me! I also owe state, and city. So, when all is said and done, I'm into the fucking government for about a grand! Loves it!!!
Lost. Oh.My.God. Michael's back!? Can this get any creepier? Another person 'healed'. Which is interesting, because it seems to not heal mental problems. Like the crazy fuck 'others' and Hurley, and Libby! Bernard wants to stay on the island cus Rose can't leave. I dunno about all that. I might be leaving someone behind if we were rescued. But I don't think that's gonna happen. That crazy fake Henry Gale guy, is a sneaky shit! Maybe us true Lost fans, and by that I mean the ones who live and breathe it and figure out consiracy theories....should look into Sedona Arizona. I think that place has similar healing powers!
Kat sent this to me. It made me laugh hysterically, but if your at work be careful. It shows some penis. Not much of it, but you can tell what it is if someone walks by. Enjoy
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
For me, I don't feel like I deserve love. This comes from a past of physical, and mental abuse from those I thought loved me, the men in my life. I turned to food, and I still do to this day, but I'm working on it. It's hard.
I often wonder, why it is that I am so connected with animals. I know the obvious is that they love unconditionally, and they do not hurt me, and the definately won't abandon me. I treat my pets better than most people treat their children. Anyone who knows me, can attest to that. They are a source of constant love and forgiveness. In this book, she read an excerpt from another one of her books "The Craggy Hole In My Heart and The Cat Who Fixed it" It's 'written by' her cat, Blanche, the day before his memorial service. It spoke to my heart, as I can hear any one of my pets saying these words to me:
You cannot see me splayed in the sun room looking as if I am surfing on a wave of light. You cannot see me lapping up the dripping water in the bathtub,
curled on the couch in the TV room, or snoring in the laundry basket.
This deceives you into believing I am not here.
But you're only looking with your physical eyes
Look with the eyes beneath your eyes, the quivering life beneath what you call your life. As you are beginning to discover, it's what you can see with those eyes, that is most compelling.
It's time to begin living the shimmery, glimmery, sun-lit life you gave me, but havn't let yourself fully inhabit.
Everyone knows I had a better life and death than most people on the planet.
Between the acupuncturists, and the psychics; between being hand-fed and carried everywhere, having mice heads to eat, dogs to chase, fences to jump, and corn on the cob to nibble on, there was nothing the physical world didn't offer for my pleasure.
And who wouldn't want a death like mine; carried around in a cashmere snuggly, touched sweetly until my last breath with a zen preist, and a pearly godmother chanting softly beside me.
All that was good, but the pleasures of the physical world; jeweled collars and sparkly necklaces, white downy blankets and dried salmon flakes, were not the real treasure.
It was the love.
It was always the love.
It was the fact that you delighted every time you saw me. Every time for seventeen and a half years I knew, that just by walking into a room, your heart would fling out streamers of joy.
So I kept walking, so that your heart could keep flinging.
And I kept putting my paws on your face, so that your body could keep relaxing.
And I kept purring, so you would know there was safety in this world.
But it wasn't me, anymore than it was the jeweled collars.
It was you.
It was always you.
You use to mistake the symbol of the treasure, for the treasure.
The marker for the thing itself. The gift from God, for God.
As if all you could possibly hope for, was a thing you could touch.
A token, rather than all of shining existance.
Since you hadn't let yourself know that shimmering fully, you kept turning to what reminded you of it; glitter, and baubles, and sparkles.
As if having those, was having the real thing.
As if that was the best you could do.
It was time for me to go. I told you I would stay until you were strong enough to live without me, and I did. And you are. Until your heart spread like dragonfly wings, until you didn't need me to know you had a heart. As long as I was in the pysical body you relied on me. You believed I was the locus of that love.
Now you can find out for yourself, what is true.
Do not greive for me, I am in a place where tuna fish juice flows like water. Where I can jump like the wind, and every place is silky, and sunny.
If you must, greive for what you wont allow yourself to have.
Grieve for all the ways you separate yourself from this radience.
From laying down in a patch of sun at 2:00 on any old day, and from knowing you are beloved, on this earth.
It really made me realize, that while I see myself as un-loveable, and un-loving, it simply isn't true. I show my pets such love, and it comes back to me through them. They have taught me without my realizing it, that it is ok to love. And ok to trust. The connection we share, is out of the love that I am able to give. I am not really hiding, like I thought I was.
It's what Oprah would call an "Ah-Ha" moment.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Men make you fat! Now, I don't mean it's their fault entirely, but they don't help! The funny thing is, guys don't seem to understand it. They get mad that women get fat when they are in a relationship. Well, I dunno how man times I've told CP not to bring the fucking nutty bars into the house. Or, why you need to have meat with every meal?? Or why does his liquid intake only consist of pop? He doesn't listen. (he also doesn't complain about my weight so let me stress that point right up front!)
When I met CP I was on the fast track baby! Doing my strip aerobics, jogging on the treadmill, working 2 jobs, eating 99% vegetables, with some meat here and there. I was 'the biggest loser' each month at work, making everyone jealous of me. Then the man started coming around, and wanting food. So why is it my fault? My self control consists of this.... if I don't have it at home, there is a 95% chance I won't go out looking for it. If it's in the cupboard, I hear it calling to me. I speak junk food. That's why I cut off communication with it!
Why is it that guys can seem to consume enough food in one sitting for an entire day, while I can only have 2 ounces of protein, and an entire plate full of vegetables just to maintain my weight. Blame that one on whomever put us on this great earth. But it is easy to eat right when you don't have someone sitting next to you chowing on greasy cheese covered yummies, and sugary sweetness!
...MMMM look at me eat these cookies at 12 a.m. right before bed with a big glass of milk. They sure are delicious. MMMMM. Oh, sorry, did you want some? Oh, you can't? Too bad, cus they are fucking good!...
So, men, the next time you want to be pissed about the woman that you are with putting on a few pounds after you start co-habitating, point that finger at yourself. Then, realize, it happens to most of us, and your chances of dumping a girl cus she's fat, and finding a thin one that will stay thin, are pretty slim.
On that note, I'm listening to a reallllllllllly good book called "When food is food and love is love". I got it from the library, and I'm glad I did. It's the first thing I've ever listened to about food that makes sense. The only thing that deals with other issues, and why you have issues with food. And, written by someone who has had issues herself. Which helps! Someone who's done all the crazy things I have! There are lots of meditations and reflections. But right now I'm just listening the first time through. Obviously I'm an emotional eater, I just have no idea what the emotion is yet. Or why I have it. If you have this problem, I highly suggest this program!
I don't really blame men for being overweight. But it doesn't help when you reallllly want to have something and they say honey, have some cake! This book is all about not depriving yourself, because it's when you deprive yourself that you want that thing more. Make all things a possibility to eat. Have what you want. Just have enough. It's all pretty deep, but you start to separate food and love.
Monday, April 10, 2006
I spent my Sunday renovating the bunny condo. I took a foot of space from their home. The thing is so massive, it was 6ft wide by 3 ft high. All kinds of levels and spots to sleep. I've been letting them out into a penned area during the day so they didn't need that extra foot. It made a big difference in the room.
I also lost about 4 hours trying to learn photoshop. What did I learn in those 4 hours? I learned that I need to buy a friggin book if I ever think I'm going to learn anything. I read a lot of the help screens, but I need to start with the basics. It sounds like something I'd love to use every day for different things, if I could only get it to work. I gave myself 30 days to produce something worthwhile before I spend the $ on the program. I just downloaded a 30 day trial. I also got the Image ready program along with it.
I talked to my brother Saturday night. He is alive!!! I also broke my sweeper. Remember my fit of rage last wknd? Well it's broken for real now. I can't live without a freaking sweeper. 1 day and my house is over run with cat and bunny hair!!!! I can use the hose but it will only suck in the upright position. Ok, that sounded wrong.
Have an interesting question about money. If you are married and/or living with someone, how do you share the expenses? I feel everything should be split down the middle for living expenses. (rent, utilities, cable etc...) And then you pay your own bills on your own. (credit cards, car payment) And, if someone makes more than the other, should they have to pay more because of it? How is it fair for someone to pay 70% of the bills because they work harder, and make more money? I just wonder how other people do it. Chances are if you make more money you also have more bills, like myself. CP has no bills. I have a few, plus living expenses. My vote is for 50/50 fair and square. That is how me and CP do it. I think it's the only fair way that someone can't get mad that you spend $70 to get your hair done, or you want to blow $60 on candles!
Friday, April 07, 2006
...Cynthia McKinney accused a Capitol Police officer of "inappropriate touching" on Friday as rumors flew around Capitol Hill that the Georgia Democrat would be arrested for her role in a bizarre physical altercation.
"This whole incident was instigated by the inappropriate touching and stopping of me, a female black congresswoman. I deeply regret that this incident occurred and I am certain that after a full review of the facts, I will be exonerated," McKinney said at a press conference at Howard University.
While McKinney asserted her innocence, her lawyer said she was "just a victim of being in Congress while black. ......
The full story is on Fox news. It's the hot topic on talk radio. (yes, I'm getting old) They played her interview on CNN the other day, where she did everything to deflect questions about what happened. She didn't want to mention that she hit an officer. Just that she was singled out because she is black.
She said, that she got a new hair 'do and didn't have on her identifiying pin to get into her job on capital hill. Regardless of why she believes she was stopped, I can't imagine what would happen if I, average Jane in Ohio, hit a police officer. That is the issue. We have terrorists in the country, we should all be glad that they stop anyone they do not recognize from going into one of our government buildings. I'd be happy if they stopped someone going into the shitter. I don't wanna die. Check my ID. I don't care!!! Yesterday, she apologized for making it a big deal. Can you say...trying to save her ass?
I think that anymore, we can't do anything, or say anything without offending people. There are also 2 schools that have banned wearing anything patriotic, including camoflauge, because it upsets other students. Um....hello, this is A-M-E-R-I-C-A. If it upsets you to see something patriotic, go somewhere that hates this country as much as you do. We need more patriotism here, I don't really see that as a bad thing. Things are just getting out of control anymore. We don't really have freedom of speech, or expression. Why? It's upsetting to other people.
TGIF! Job 2 was weird last night. There was 10 of us working. Use to be 23. They said more layoffs are coming. We lost a big job, and we are losing all the medicare that we do, which is two jobs. I guess I can thank George Bush for that one. Asshole. Total of around 30 people lost their jobs Wednesday.
Chelsea has turned into a carpet licker/muncher. While this is OK for those of the lesbian persuasion, it is not OK for bunnies. Like I really need her to get blocked up and stop crapping again? I dunno what I'm gonna do with her. She needs constant supervision now when she is out to play. KIDS!
I did something wacky to my shoulder this week. I think I slept on it weird. But it makes my entire arm go numb to my finger tips if it's sitting still. Who told me it was OK to start getting old and have aches and pains? Cus they need to be shot. Unless it's me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The first thing I thought was, well, I'll get to go back to the gym!! And have a life! Immediatly followed by, "how will I pay the government the $600 they are robbing me of for my taxes?" and then "how will I survive when I havn't been saving what I should be". If anything, it's a wake up call not to take my job for granted, and be prepared. I guess no one is ever really safe.
Each time someone got up, we would look to see if they were going into 'the office' to be let go. About 6:30 my supervisor came over and asked if they called me back, I said no, not yet. She said if I'm still there, I'm probably safe. They were doing layoffs at the beginning of your shift. So all night when people came in, they would be called in to the office, come out, and pack up their things. It reminded me of the last day of school, exchanging names, phone numbers, addresses. I guess I never realized how many people I actually liked at that job.
I heard that there will be more layoffs in September. I think it's only a matter of time. So, I put my nose to the grindstone. I have to make all the money I can while I'm there. I can't help but feel guilty. Some people needed that job more than me. It was their only income, and source for health benefits. To me, it's extra money to get me out of debt. I could survive without it. I guess keeping up my keying times, and not calling off had something to do with it. That is all I can think of. And, I've never been written up, and I don't complain. I go to work and do my job, and go home. Now, I don't know when I'm going to quit. I'll feel bad leaving next month!
P.S. My Edwin Cd is freaking awesome! A little different sound. The one that will be released "Babylon" is a little harder than his normal stuff, but not hard rock.
P.S.S. If you didn't watch LOST last night, WTF is your problem???? I read on the boards long ago people thought this was all in the survivors minds, that they were all in the mental hospital. It seems a lot of fans ideas get tossed into the show. I think they like to fuck with us.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I tracked my Edwin CD, and it is arriving TODAY! A full 6 days before the official release! I am not taking my lunch break, until it has arrived, and I can go home and collect my goodies! I got a cute new girl T-shirt too. You gotta have them special for girls, cus when you wear regular T-shirts, and you got big boobs, it looks like you are wearing a tent. I don't need help looking like a tent, so I'll take my girl T-shirt thanks!
Yea, so everyone who didn't pre-order in the Edwin fan group, is pretty jealous now. They told us we wouldn't get it til after the release date. Who's laughing now, bitches?????
What else is coming? Employee appreciation week! It's in two weeks. We get a whole week at work to be appreciated by our managers. We have prizes and games, and a cookout, and a desert bar, and a raffel! How much fun is that?
Easter is coming too. All I want for Easter, is Starburst jellybeans. It's the only thing worth eating until you puke. Mmmmm. It's also a time for bunny advocacy, which I'll do in due time! Don't anyone run out and buy bunnies for Easter in the meantime. They are a ton of work, read my blog!
Speaking of bunny greatness, my Chelsea bear is doing perfect! She is a new bunny. Now, she hangs out in the living room with us for play time, vs. running in and out of their room. She also has taken to chasing the cats, which is hilarious. She scares them, and when they run away she's like "what the fuck? I wanted to snuggle!" And watching her run is hilarious on its own...she has floppy lopsy ears that bounce! She's rotten! But you can't get mad at a bunny, their too freaking cute!
Snow is also coming! It snowed a bit last night! April showers bring May flowers! Those showers include snow here in Ohio. Land of the 'you never know wtf the weather will do'.
And lastly, this weekend I am going with Kat to an open house for Bath & Body Works. We get to go early, have breakfast, and laugh at people who aren't allowed in cus they aren't cool! We also get some free stuff, and get to try out the new Spring line. I dunno how Kat is always in the know about these things, but she is.
Havn't had a stupid exhaustion story in a while so here goes. Last night I let the dog out, cleaned her eyes, put her ointment in them, gave her her 2 nightly pills, her treat, got myself a glass of water, and went to get a nice hot bath. *ahhhhhhh* CP came in about 15 min later and asked if I knew that I left my dog tied up in the kitchen. Uhhhh, no I didn't thanks! Her chain comes inside so while I did all the right things, I forgot to unhook her and let her free.
Anyone else screwed up by this time change? It happens every year, but it never gets any easier does it? It's also my first full week back working 2 jobs. No more nights off, and no more working a few hours. We're back on track, and it's really catching up with me!!!!
Catch Kenny Rogers on American Idol? Is it just me or did he look wrong? He had some work done!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
How do you know if she really is the right woman for you? If she possesses the following 10 traits, you better hold on to her for dear life or, before you know it, a guy who already knows where it's at will get his hands on your "goods."
10. She's Independent.
Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. If she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you -- while still missing you, of course -- then she must be a great girlfriend.
9. She's Intelligent
An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.
8. She's Sexual
Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction towards each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer -- whatever the case may be.
7. She's Beautiful
You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.
6. She Respects You
A great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.
5. She Let's You Be a Man
She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give up the guys for her.
4. She's Nagless
However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide -- not even a great girlfriend.
3. She gets along with friends and family
She'll actually empathize with your brother's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).
2. She loves you
Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.
1. She makes you want to be a better man.
Stop making that face... Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.
In conclusion, I find I'm a pretty good catch. Had I known this sooner, I might have played harder to get or something! Since we are in need of cash, I could possibly pimp myself out. Kinda like in Sweet November, only, I wont be dying. I can have a new man every month, but it'll cost him. No, not prostitution, cus I am not sleazing myself out, pimping....as in, maybe if you are gay and want to convince your parents you aren't. I'm the girl to do it! I've got the top 10 qualities needed!
Monday, April 03, 2006
I am sooo tired of money. Who ever invented the fucking concept of money to begin with? Why can't we all be equal and happy? Like how the future was suppose to be, according to the movies? We all wear the same clothes, and pass the pipe, and eat space food? Free sex and love wherever you go? What about that?
My great wknd plans consisted of eating too much food, and cleaning the house. I mean, I cleaned the sink handles with a toothbrush, that kind of freaking cleaning. Took apart the bunny condo and cleaned everything. The buns moved back in together, after a little scuffel Friday night, they are back in love.
I got the letters to spell out 'DREAM' for my bedroom wall and painted them, and 3 shelves. That is what work bought me for coming in for 5 years straight. I really like them. Tayray lured us over under false pretenses, she had to 'show' me something. Then made us do this disgusting shot, which she acted all cool about, until she tried to talk, and her eyes watered. 151 Bacardi. Talk about fucking disgusting. I just finished eating a turkey burger and smiley fries, and she made me do that nasty shit! We stayed for a beer, at which time my gut felt toxic, and I didn't feel right the rest of the night. Not doing that shit again!
Went to Bethie's little girl's first birthday. It was pretty funny to watch her demolish her cake. That girl made out like a bandit! She got all kinds of stylin' outfits, complete with matching sandals!!! Bethie saw my ex husband this wknd at a party. Small freaking world. He classicly introduced himself by first and last name, which is totally him. She told him that we're friends and we work together, and that I'm happily engaged and he said he was happy for me. Glad I didn't have to see him! That's for damn sure! It makes me nervous! But I give her props for at least tellin him someone is going to marry me. It only took damn near 10 years, but hey, you gotta take your time to find the right one, right?
I definatley have PMS. I want to rip out my hair today, and never eat again. On top of that, yesterday, I got fed up with my sweeper, that I have to shove a cat toy in to clean out each time I sweep (don't ever buy a hoover wind tunnel they blow, note blow, not suck!) to clean out the shit that didnt suck all the way up. So, I took it into the living room, and literally threw it across the room, and it broke into a few peices. BANG! Scared the shit out of CP. He's only witnessed my psychotic PMS rage once before. When I kicked a hole in the wall. Poor guy. I seriously think I suffer from that severe PMS thing. Cus I get a little nutty. Maybe if I weren't so overwhelmed with shit to do, I wouldn't get that way? Maybe I don't care cus it feel nice?
My sister made me do this. I hate NASCAR! She bribed me with promises of coming to visit me, so when she bails, lets all remember I sacrificed my reputation for her, OK? She said Dale Jr. placed 4th yesterday in some dumb race even though his car was smashed up. He was like the energizer bunny.
Let me say for the Momma, that it looks like Jeff is hot on his trail. (that's moms guy)